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November 4, 2015

Dear Social Gathering or Event of Any Variety:

If you are ever in a position where the person organizing or hosting you feels obligated -- whether by pressure from a spouse, by dint of my association with another invitee, or because it is feared I may have gotten wind that you were happening -- to include me on the invitation list, but for whatever reason would secretly like to secure the guarantee my absence, please include any of the following words/phrases in the invitation:

Audience participation
Ukulele
Hot tub
Costumes required
VIP Lounge
Karaoke contest

Thank you for your consideration.