For me, tired at a certain point often resembles being under the influence. The truth spills out, cannot be contained. Normal restraint and caution are abandoned. Inhibitions fall away and I ask directly, however teasingly, something I've not managed to ask anyone else. I've not been able to formulate the question, however indirectly, but have remained quiet, frozen in fear. Why am I only able to ask him ? eighteen years ago and today? Of course, I do expect his answer will be different this time around. I want to ask in real time, but that opportunity seems to elude me.