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November 17, 2002
I no longer wished to live.

That was the message rollicking around in my head. I no longer wanted to face my friends with the fa├žade of strength I’d been maintaining. I no longer wanted to face my family who simply wouldn’t understand grief not tied to the immediate family. And I certainly no longer wished to face myself. I’d been sick of myself for years.

The only one who I wanted to face was God. But I was too embarrassed by my lemming-like sense of survival, too disappointed by my weakness, too shamed by my self-worth to face Him.