I only just finally got hold of mum on the phone after trying to talk to her all morning. Naturally, being a total neurotic, I'd leapt immediately to the most unlikely and horrific of conclusions when she didn't answer. You can thus understand my relief when I discovered that she had not been involved in a hideous car accident as I had hysterically feared, but was in fact out buying a B&Q bistro set and left her phone off. As a result I'm not sure which of us is the bigger gay man. "Dear Charing Cross A&E, imagine my surprise..."