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By the end of this month, everything should have already changed. Things may change for the better, or the exact opposite god forbid, but it as sure as hell wouldn't be the same.
By the end of this month, I will be an entirely different person. This month's events will change me into a whole new individual. I could be happy, I could be bitter, either way I wouldn't be the same.
By the end of this month, we'd have already found out whether it's just the beginning or the end for us.
I hope it's the former.
Amber went online on Skype.
He got a message from Amber on Facebook.
I saw his Skype home conversations thingy. Amber was there. They had a conversation yesterday.
I don't know why, but all these things piling up just breaks my heart.
Why do I have to feel like this? I trust him, I have nothing to worry about.
Because I'm scared. It's not about Amber, it's not about him nor his past, it's about me. Because I know I'm replaceable.
Everything was so perfect, until this. I wish I could just stop thinking altogether.
I do trust you, Tony.
I know your history, how you played with your then girlfriend. I know how you feel about it now, how you learned your lesson later on and realized how stupid you've been. I know all that, but I loved you nonetheless. I love you, you in entirety, with all your flaws and imperfections. I've accepted the whole weight of that past mistake since day one. It's not you, you've been nothing but good to me. It's me. I don't trust myself to be good enough.
I never got to explain earlier, so there you go.
Back when I was younger, around late elementary to early high school, I used to always have this strong longing to know what other people were thinking. I would look at them, and think,
"What could be going on inside your mind right now? How are you feeling at this very moment? How does that shirt feel on your skin?"
I used to want to, like, invade their thoughts. Think what they're thinking, feel what they're feeling, basically just be inside their head for a minute or two. It used to irk me knowing that such thing is not possible.
I looked at myself in the mirror today. I didn't like what I saw. It's funny how I said that as if it was some rare occurrence in my life. It's not. That's how it's always been. That's the reason why I avoid seeing my reflection altogether. My reactions would range from an accepting
, to a desperate
. But the thing that crossed my mind earlier was,
"I can't let you see me like this."
And all the realizations came flooding in. You're coming here. This month. You'll see me. In real life. And I'm ugly. Well, fuck.
I hate when I'm already in a crappy mood, and my face just doesn't cooperate. My day's already shitty as it is, I don't need any more unwelcome contributions to this helluva mess. I quite feel I do have enough on my plate already, thank you very much. But seriously, though, face, WHY do you have to make things worse? Is it really too hard to at least stay on an OK-level? Is that really too much to ask?
I don't believe in superstitions, but I'm scared my face will really turn in on me when I post this. Shit.
Hot fudge sundae. Sans the fudge.
I woke up to my sister rummaging with my stuff. I
when people touch my stuff.
When I woke, I played some game online. I kept making stupid clumsy mistakes. I
when I make mistakes, especially those kind.
While ironing my uniform, it was so humid I was sweating like hell. I
Precursors of a bad day.
When I got to school, I was so late I missed the exam.
I knew it was going to be a bad day.
So I went home.
And ate some ice cream.
It's midnight. You're hungry. You go down to scavenge for food. You find an apple in the fridge. No, you don't feel like eating an apple. You resume searching. You find food on the dining counter. There are two tiny plates. One has squid in some sauce, and the other contains a little bit of rice. Good golly, yes. You feel lucky. You sit down, quite eager to finally start eating. You start the process of removing the squid's innards. Are you done yet? No. There seems to be a lot. Suddenly, you're disgusted. You wash your hands instead. The end.
Sad movies always make me cry.
I've just finished watching a movie called
. To summarize the summary, it was about a boy and a girl who fell in love, they were perfect for each other. But due to life's circumstances, they encounter countless of obstacles that forced their feelings to slowly diminish. And no matter how hard they try to keep holding on to it, what they had in the very beginning, that spark, that special connection, all that eventually disappeared. It was sad. In the end, they were just two empty lifeless shells. It broke my heart.
My mum does not like homosexual individuals. I'm not going to use the word hate, for I'm a firm believer that you can't possibly hate a person without knowing them first. But I digress. She thinks, as how most Christian people's mentalities go, they're going against God's will. But. You don't see her on the streets screaming protests about it, do you? Nope. She doesn't force her belief on others. She's respecting them for their own decisions. We are human beings after all. We are entitled to have our own views and opinions. What's important is respect. Stop the hate.
I never really thought it could happen, not this soon. It used to be only what you could call as a distant possibility. The whole thing wasn't even close to being probable back then. It used to be just this tiny speck of light far off the horizon, dimmed with all sorts of uncertainties. But here we are, right now. All of it, the whole weight of it, is just too hard to take in, but I think I'm getting there. Finally, I say.
You're coming here. We'll get to meet. This month. I'm mighty terrified, but I can't wait. :)
Today, my classmate said something to me. She said I was such a waste, because I'm so smart, yet I'm having a teetering boat situation with school right now because I'm always either late or absent. Then she asked me why. I just smiled. Light. Superficial. Now, though, I think I could answer. I'm always late, because I don't want to be early. I don't want to be early because I have no friends. I am lonely. So I aim to be on time. And you know what they say about aiming just right, you almost always come off short.
I remember writing an entry about Taylor Swift's song called All Too Well. I remember writing about how much I loved it, how much I loved the emotions she infused in the song, how I so loved the way she sang it, so heart-feltingly good, especially the bridge part where it just seemed like she was liberating all her pent-up sentiments. I do remember that. It was months ago. December 6th of last year, to be exact (I just checked). And you know what? I still feel it just as strongly as I did back then.
Keep your eyes on what's ahead or focus on the now? What's it gonna be?
On the way home, as I was walking towards the PUJ place thingy, I had this temporary interest on the pedestrian lanes. So what I did was I walked on each line, matched my step on every white horizontal imprint on the ground. I was so absorbed by it that I completely forgot to look where I was going. I didn't see that I was heading right towards a barrier until it was right infront of me and I was inches from bumping onto it.
I'm writing this on the 16th.
I got a text this afternoon. It said,
"Guess who? Does this work?"
I immediately knew who it was. I literally gasped in exclamation, and I could swear so did my heart inside my cage of ribs. Tony. My boyfriend, Tony, sent me a text message. First ever. It instantly made my day. ❤
Weirdly enough, the thought that came to me was me on the way home today. I was thinking about my frowning face, and how people could never really see this side of me, one who smiles upon seeing her boyfriend's text.
My boyfriend called me for the first time today. No, you don't get it. He called me. For the first time. Today.
For a brief moment, a mere nanosecond, I felt a burst of awkwardness within me. And it made me think, it made me wonder; Had it been there all along? Just then? I don't know the length of its existence, but it scared me nonetheless. Is that how it's going to be? It seems like life just gave me this little glimpse of what's soon to happen. And I don't like it. It's frightening, it terrified me so.
Mummy, can I tell you something? When we went to church tonight, I saw this lady? She was wearing a bright orange top and a pair of blue jeans. She wore this brown braided bracelet, and she had her nails painted in different colours. She looked pretty nice, but mummy, she was sad. You can see it in the way she stared at space, eyes unblinkingly glazed, lost in her own melancholic thoughts. You can tell by her lips, the arc-less line they formed, they were filled with words she can't quite express, or was painfully trying to suppress.
Today was my dad's birthday.
I made it a point not to go out of the room so much so as to avoid seeing him. I'd like to stay mad at him, hold onto this grudge a little bit longer. I feel I forgive too easily, too quickly. So yeah. Later that night, my sister told me she went to greet him. She said he said,
"You're the only one who came to greet me today, Christine. I love you."
I strongly dislike my him. He's one horrible father, I know. But hearing that, it broke my heart.
Don't let them know you're smart.
If you are really as smart as you think you are, you won't let them find out about it. You don't want to let people in on that. Shh. Why? Because once they find out, they will think you're smart. Once they think you're smart, you will have this sort of involuntary responsibility to keep up with what they think. The situation will get out of hand. You will try, but not as how you've always tried before. You will now try for them, not for yourself. Then you won't be so smart anymore.
Cebu to Manila
Tuesday 02 April 2013, 0825H
Mactan Cebu International Airport
Tuesday 02 April 2013, 0940H
Ninoy Aquino International Airport
Yup, that's it, I am definitely going there to [finally] meet my boyfriend [and his family, shit]. I.. am.. I don't really know. It's a mix of nothing and everything, all just randomly thrown together in my casserole of emotions.
I am giddy and excited. I am mighty scared as well. I am happy, my heart's singing
But at the same time, my mind overthinks and kills my joy for me.
The past couple of days have been a drag to me. This week was finals week. I had two exams last Tuesday, and my second half of exams was today. So long, farewell, I am a gazillion percent done. Whether I have passed or not, I do not know though. I've been so tired and unmotivated lately. I mean, that's basically always how I am, but more so this week than usual. Eh. And I don't know why. Not that I care, really. I am still apathetic, you see. So yeah.
And yeah, happy birthday late Lola Benita. :)
I love you, Tony. There. I've been wanting to say that since, like, fifteen minutes ago. I've been wanting to say that since saying goodnight and hanging up with you earlier tonight. I love you, babe. You make everything better. You silence my doubts and insecurities. You're everything that I want and need. I love how you understand. I love how you know exactly what to say and when to say them. You're perfect for me and you're perfect to me.
If you're reading this; I love you, Tony. And I think that won't be changing anytime soon [translation: ever].
I had a terrible dream last night. My parents, but my dad especially, hated us for being okay with the LGBT community. It came to a point where papa was giving us some sort of lecture about it, then, as bizarre as it sounds (dreams are dreams after all), out of his rage, he turned into some flying white-masked ninja and attacked us. We had no choice but to run for our lives and hide in fright. I don't know what that dream meant. Heck, I don't know if that meant anything at all, but it was mighty terrifying.
One down-side of being in a long-distance relationship is that when one gets a "life", the other tends to be sad about it. Because basically, what's going to happen is this; one would be too caught up with their real life physical affairs, and the other would feel neglected and left out. Ideally, the latter should feel great about the goings on in the former's life, but they can't because they're too focused on missing them. And since you can't really be in two places at once, there's nothing either of them can do about it.
My sister and I had to work. We woke up at 8, left the house at 9, got there at 10. We served lunch for the hotel staff. I did the adding of viand part. There was a lot of them, but it was tolerable. Afterwards, we cleaned up and waited till 5. We served dinner. I volunteered to do the dishes. I should've just volunteered to die instead. Worst fucking job. Ever. There were half as much people as there were during lunch, but time went agonizingly slow. It was torture. I swore never to come back.
One more week.
I've been working these past few days (I started just this Monday) and as a result to that, I've been feeling severely drained. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that when I'm tired, I tend to get ridiculously temperamental and cranky . So that's me. My boyfriend though, perfect as he is, understands. He keeps trying. He's just.. he's crazy. My boyfriend is one lunatic individual, there you go. How he puts up with all this, it's plain madness! Unbelievable. God, I love that guy.
Seven days until I finally get to meet you.
Last day at work today! Celebrated by going to Bon Appetea (in case you can't tell yet, it's a tea shop) and trying Earl Grey for the first time! It was sweet. I didn't like it, but at least I got to try it. Now I know not to have it. Chilled for a while, took advantage of the wifi and all, then went to 7 Eleven for food, more food! Donut. Yum. And I got ice cream, too. Again. I've been having so much ice cream these days. Eh. But anyway, yeah. Today was great. I am free!
Working at the canteen for a couple of days made me notice a lot of things (people discriminate, people like ketchup, people are picky, people lack common sense, etc). One of them is that nobody really truly appreciates the side dish. Nobody really wants it, everybody just takes one short glimpse at it, then focus on the main dish.
I'll have this, please.
Would you want your side dish, too?
Oh, okay that's fine.
Nobody really wants the side dish. I bet nobody would miss it. It's just kind of there.
I am the side dish.
We went to our aunt's place. MC was so excited when she greeted us at the door. Too cute. They made binignit, spaghetti, and fruit salad. I had seconds of everything. I think I may even have had thirds for spaghetti. Shit. But anyway, also, we had a movie marathon. What movies? Cinderella movies. All three of them. While watching, I noticed two things I never did when I was younger; 1. her complexion changed (she was white and fair on the first movie, then got tan), and 2. the prince was so hot like oh my god.
I will not eat tomorrow. And, if possible, the day after.
I've been eating so much lately. And mind you, I don't use the term
lightly. Seriously. I eat normal (normal meaning heavy) meals, and I eat (sugar-jammed) snacks. I am one weighty package of carbohydrates and fats. I wouldn't be surprised if I'd already gained all of the ten pounds I've lost the past couple of months. Why, self. Ugh. Hence this new resolution; I will not eat the whole day tomorrow. That will serve as my punishment for being such a disgustingly gluttonous human being.
So, since I'm talking to my friend Mary on Twitter right now, I guess it's pretty relevant to talk about her.
I met her on YouTube. We clicked because of our interest in books. We used to compare what books we're reading and all that. We used to be
Twilight. (Unfortunately, yes, I was in that phase.) We used to fight over Edward Cullen. Now we never talk as much, but we still do talk. And it's still great. I love how she still puts an effort, even when she has her life going on for her.
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