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I said I would stop eating.
Ever since I got home, I gave myself a slack of some sort. Eat whatever you want. I needed all that food for my emotional eating habits anyway. Or so I liked to say to justify my glutton ways.
I said come July, I'd stop.
Today is July 1st, and so far things have been really pathetic. The whole stop-eating resolution is turning into a huge mucky pile of bullshit.
I feel like the whole month of June I've been digging my own grave, and now there's nowhere else to go but down.
My first kiss.
We were laying in bed together, you and I, side by side. We just met. It was awkward, but not really. We were okay. We were talking about something, I forget what it was about, but I remember laughing.
I looked at you, you looked at me.
I don't know if it was the expression on my face, or the obvious longing in my eyes that conveyed the message to you.
You looked at me, I looked at you.
You leaned in. One sweet little kiss. My eyes were closed, but I saw fireworks. It was perfect.
Mission Impossible (?)
I wish I had the motivation to aim to be the best. I wish I had the confidence to believe that I can do it.
I know if I put my faith into something, made a firm resolution to stick to it, I know I can.
The problem now is; I just can't seem to. I've been trying and trying, because I know how much good it will do to me, but nothing. I always picture it as me trying (rather desperately) to grab a handful of air. Maybe, like grasping air, the possibility is nil, non-existent. (?)
My dad is a really good example to me.
He's a good example of what not to be. In fact, it is my main ultimate goal in life; To not end up like my goddamned father. He's selfish, he's vain, he's pathetically unaccomplished. He's arrogant, he's mean, he demands respect when he doesn't deserve it (how can you respect someone who doesn't respect you? or one who doesn't even respect himself?). He's miserable, he's lonely, he's frustrated at his sad little excuse of an existence so he deals with it in the most twisted way-- by making happy people cry.
I keep complaining. I should stop.
Why do I keep complaining? I myself am starting to get annoyed at the amount of whining I do everyday. Seriously? Is it that bad? Really? Are you sure?
Optimism, dear self. Look on the bright side. It could be worse. At least there are still people who accept you and let you in. At least you still belong in a way. At least you're never shunned off or casted out. Stop it with your self-pity. I know your life sucks, but hey it could be worse. Seriously. Suck it up, loser.
Oh, what traitorous bastards!
Things that used to be so sweet, now have turned bitter. Things that used to bring me so much happiness, now brought me tears. There was the sun, and now there isn't.
Bright, sunny days have turned into dark, lonely nights.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
- Dr. Seuss
That's a good quote, yeah? Yep. If only it was that easy. If only it came with an instruction manual of some sort.
Romanticizing goodbyes. There is no good in goodbye, only memories that haunt you to sleepless nights and tear-stained pillows.
Who's been writing my entries for me?
Because speaking rather frankly, I don't know how I've been managing to keep submitting entries. Like, seriously, I don't even remember myself writing entries anymore. I'm surprised I'm still able to keep up (sort of) (I only lack 3 entries). It's crazy, really. Like, how? When have I been writing these entries? What did I write about? I don't remember at all. This isn't some oh-wow-I-still-managed-I-must-be-so-awesome post, okay, because no, that's just pathetic (and I don't do pathetic). I'm just really bewildered is all.
Today is my sister's birthday.
Same with last year, we went to our aunt's place to celebrate. Except this time it was just Kate and I. Christine wasn't there because "all the PUJs were full" and "there was no way she could make it". Or so she says (I think she was with her boyfriend).
I ate a lot today. The spaghetti was good. And the ice cream too, because it was mango. I just love mango flavored ice cream.
We watched Mickey Mouse DVDs too. The shows were stupid but fun. It reminded me of my childhood.
I love Taylor Swift.
Sometimes I forget. Maybe not exactly forget, but sometimes I overlook the fact that I do. But whenever I get the chance to listen to any of her songs, my love for her grows bigger. It's like a reaffirmation of my adoration for her. She's just so perfect. She's very pretty, and she has great voice. She sounds so good on studio, and even better live! I love her songs, she writes the best songs (well I don't know about others, but to me she does, okay). I really hope she comes here for her tour. :/
Oh wow, I really hate the sight of blood.
I was brushing my teeth when I saw a bright red spot by my left gums. I touched it, it was blood, bright red blood on my finger. At first I just stared at it like, "oh hey yeah it's blood", then went to the kitchen sink to wash it off. Then I kept brushing, while closely watching whatever's happening in my mouth (checking to see if there was more blood) (there wasn't) through the mirror. Then it slowly sank in. Blood. I got so dizzy I had to lay down.
You know, I'm that type of person who always wants to iron everything out. I like neat, tidy. I like organized. I can't work when it sucks. That's why today has been totally crappy for me. There was an exam, you see. I wanted to read everything (to be able to study like the entire thing), but I procrastinated (ugh I hate myself sometimes) which lead to me ending up not having enough time to finish. So I thought I'll just wing it. Then, as I was about to leave for the freaking exam, it rained. What the fuck?
Today I witnessed an accident.
It was awesome.
It wasn't entirely like a real accident, so don't think me too heartless yet. There was no blood, nobody got hurt or anything. They merely touched each other, sort of. The most the two parties could get from that would probably be just a couple of scratches or so. It was awesome mostly because of the fact that I actually saw it as it was happening. One turned right, one left, hit, bam, fall. It was awesome to see motorcycles fall as if they were made of nothing but paper.
I said I would take things week by week. Days feel a lot faster like that. Well I think so anyway.
But when things get real hard, I'll have no choice really but to go back down to the basics; day by day.
It's hard enough, really. I feel like I have so much on my plate right now. Too much strain pulling me on every direction. I'm afraid I'll lose my grasp and end up breaking myself in the process.
I'm so tired. My motivation levels have gown down to a fatal low. I need a break.
Empty days and lonely nights.
Without you, things have been quite repetitive. A routine. Boring. Dull. Slow.
It's been over a month, and god I can't believe I'm still not over it. That I still haven't fully grasped the fact that you're gone.
I'm okay. School kept me busy enough.
But on times like this, when I get my thoughts all to myself, I remember. I realize. I keep going back. Reminiscing. Reliving. The past, everything. It's still here, the sad face in my heart, and I'm guessing it will always be.
I'll be missing you until you come back.
Something about death just gets to you. It makes you think about life, about death, about how things could happen just like that. One blink of an eye, and poof, what you thought would always be there? Gone, lost to an abyss of non-existence. Like a hard slap on the face, like a harsh reminder. That's reality. Nothing is permanent, nothing is certain. Life is full of surprises, you never know what's lurking on each unexpected turn. What might appear to be a light in the horizon, could turn out to be one tragic dead end. (No pun intended.)
I like the kind of feeling you give me. Like a warm, fuzzy feeling both inside and surrounding me. Like wrapping your favorite blanket around you on a cold, rainy night. It gives me this blissful combination of comfort and safety.
I like the kind of love that we have. It's like this unwavering, constant thing that shows not the littlest bit of sign of diminishing. Something so real its existence is almost tangible.
We're lucky to have found this kind of love so early in our lives. So lucky to have found something as special and true.
Seventeen months. ♥
I keep calling and calling in hopes that it will eventually be merciful enough to respond. I keep lighting candles in the middle of the night, muttering chants that I myself don't understand, just so I can come the littlest bit closer to summoning it. But no, it just isn't happening. Oh writing spirit, how could you be so cruel? Breaking hearts, crushing hopes of writers (and those aspiring-to-be's, cough me cough) by simply ignoring their desperate pleas. Heartlessly mean.
But that's life for you. You can't force things into happening. Life's a stubborn little shit.
The strongest person I know.
She's the superwoman in my life. She's the real deal, not even kidding. She's strong. Impossibly so. She managed to raise us up single-handedly. (Side note: Just to prevent confusion, for your information, my dad still exists. But that's it, all he does is exist.) I don't know how she does what she does. No matter how difficult the circumstance, no matter how sticky the situation, count on her to always, always find a way through it. I hope I grow up to be just like her.
Here's to the best mum. Happy birthday! ♥
I would appreciate some appreciation, please. Just one tiny bit. Or at least some sort of recognition for all the effort I put in. I don't think I deserve this kind of (shitty) response (or non-response, really). I did try, after all. It wasn't that it wasn't enough, either. It was that you just failed to see all the right things that I did, all the good points. You focused too much on those few things that I missed. You looked at my mistakes, and pointed them out. Over, and over, and over.
Thank you very much.
When it rains.
Have you ever noticed how the rain would move on the ground?
It is wonderful. How the rain would seem to dance on the ground, creating a combination of different patterns as they go. How the drops would gracefully glide from one place to another, so poetic in their delicate movement. How they'd usually come in groups, and how they'd differ in intensity (you can tell by how they'd hit the ground, more splatters for more intense groups of raindrops). How the headlights of passing vehicles, like a spotlight, would accentuate every rhythmic movement.
I never noticed.
I think it's crazy to trust people completely. And I don't mean crazy unbelievable, I mean crazy stupid. Well I guess it could be the former too because I can't fathom how someone could be so stupid to do that. I mean, yes, you may see another person as completely "trustworthy", but
you never really know
. It may look like they're trying to help, but are they really? I always picture it as jumping blindly into a dark pit. There's no way of telling, no way to be sure exactly. You never know what's down there.
But you jump anyway.
My teachers are shit.
Sorry but not sorry.
One is smart, yes. But he doesn't know how to teach. He expects students to easily match his pace. After years of being given some slack, of course we find it difficult. He enforces memorization over real understanding, and it's
A couple of them are horrifyingly clueless. Like, it makes me think; Do they really know what they're talking about? Most times I catch them making things up just so they could give an answer to a question. Pathetic.
And the rest are either too stupid or just plain irrelevant.
I hate those couple of words. Because when you say that, you mean you're settling for less. You're not getting everything you can out of it. Instead, you say "okay" to something that you know falls way short on what you really deserve.
You can have it, but you can't.
Life is complicated. I think one challenge of putting down things into words is how to convey the essence of life's complexity.
Or I don't know, are things really this simple? Is writing one therapeutic way of, like, taking a step back to see the entire picture better?
My boyfriend says the sweetest things.
And it scares me. Because I believe him. God, I can't believe I'm allowing myself to gather some flattery from his flowery words. He actually gets to me. Unlike others, he knows how to get to me. It's like he owns this special map towards the main core of me. Like, I don't know, I always imagine myself as some sort of labyrinth. I am twists and turns, I am this way and that way. I am confusing, I am difficult. And he's got me figured out.
It scares me. He could break me.
Act 2, Scene 1
Me approaching a cab. You were sitting inside at the backseat. I could see you from behind. I saw you put on sunglasses, and I remember thinking,
"What does he need sunglasses for inside the cab?"
. It felt wrong. No, not the act of putting on sunnies in the cab. Something else. I didn't know, I hadn't quite figured it out until now; You never once looked back.
It keeps repeating. Over and over. That scene coupled with my recent realization gives it this dream-like in a nightmare-ish way quality.
Make it go away.
I wonder what his last thoughts were.
Did he see that one coming? Did he feel some sort of inkling, like an unexplainable strange feeling, or a nagging uneasy thought at the back of his mind?
I wonder what sort of day he was having. I wonder where he was going, where he came from. I wonder about his daily planner, about all the things that he wouldn't be able to do, all the boxes he left un-ticked.
Today I saw a crime scene. Police tape around it and everything. A silver car. Bullet holes by the driver's window.
I remember last time we went here, we didn't have much money. I remember looking over bags, looking for something simple and classy (that's my thing ok) yet affordable. It was hard, I couldn't find anything. I gave up. I remember looking at those bags that I'd have chosen if it weren't for our budget limit longingly. Oh well.
So today my sister wanted to buy a new bag. We went back to that place, and everything was different. Now, my mum let my sister choose what she likes, not just "something within our budget".
Oh, how things have changed.
Lately, I've been insatiable. Hopelessly so. All I do is eat. I swear, that is no exaggeration right there. The moment I finish eating, a couple minutes or so later, I get this strong urge to eat again. It's like an addiction. I have a problem. To give you some proof of how much I've been eating lately, I had 2 slices of Greenwich pizza and a Krispy Kreme donut (with toppings and filling) for breakfast today. For breakfast alone. Imagine.
I think it's time that I stop eating. Before it's too late (I mean, if it isn't already).
I wonder how it would feel to be completely free from any form of worry or whatsoever.
I am thankful for how things are turning out. It makes me feel like everything is finally changing for the better, falling into place. It gives me hope that I might actually have a chance at being happy.
But then comes fear. Fear brought about by the belief of good and bad Karma. Fear brought about by everything that is fleeting.
It ruins everything. From this feeling of elation, to the panic of falling. From bright sunny skies, to a gloomy cloudy day.
I forgot to put the date.
July 30, 2013. Damn it.
Today was a pretty good day.
Tuesdays generally suck because of the super late last subject (which ends at 7:30 like wtf ugh). Today we didn't have that, so I only had class until 4:30 (which was awesome).
After class, I went to the mall to meet with Kate. We had an early dinner (KFC fully loaded meal yo chicken with rice plus mashed potato plus creamy soup and brownie plus soda holy shit), went grocery shopping (favorite past time like ever~), and had ice cream (mango!!!).
Last day of the month.
I'm not going to say the cliche time flies, because I feel the exact contrary. Time has been nothing but a drag lately. Like, what the fuck, it's only the end of July? It felt like months have passed, and it's only the end of fucking July? Are you kidding me? Apparently, according to this calendar by my bedroom door (and the date and time thingy on my task bar thingy on my notebook) (wow I'm so techie), not. There it is; 7/31/2013. July 31, 2013.
Can I fastforward into the future, please?
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