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Here Comes July
I've been stressing out (just a bit) for this month. It is the birth month of three important persons in my life-- my sister on the 8th, my mother on the 18th, and my boyfriend on the 25th. I love birthdays, but I dislike the thought of having to worry about what gifts to give the birthday celebrants. I'll probably give my sister a GC (so she can choose for herself lol), but as for the two remaining, I have no idea. Would it be acceptable if I just gave GCs to everyone every single time or?
They woke up the next day, still not speaking to each other. It was summer, but the air was cold.
He stared at her.
She stared back.
Their eyes screamed the words, but nothing ever came out.
He focused on his computer, while she focused on staring blankly into space, memories of last night haunting her thoughts over and over. Unwanted replays.
Slowly, he turned towards her.
"Sorry," he softly croaked, his voice slightly giving away mid-sentence.
He hugged her ever so tightly.
"It's okay," she said.
All of last night's nightmares erased.
She felt warm. Finally, some sunshine.
I Don't Drink Coffee, Because It Makes My Stomach Churn (I Prefer Tea)
I'm in this certain point of my life where I can't wait to find out what the future holds for me, but at the same time, I also don't want to get there yet. Somehow, both occur simultaneously inside my head and I don't know if that's normal at all. The future for me looks like both a colorful abstract painting of all the different kinds of lives I could live, and a universe of black holes, the big unknown looming darkly in every direction I turn.
Round and Round, We Go
Growing up not only means being responsible enough to do things independently. It also means being brave enough to face up to challenges and be held accountable for the failures that are sure to come. There is no shame in making mistakes. I don't know which dimwit started that sort of mentality, but mistakes are there to help build you up. Admit, analyze, and never make them again. Learn as you go, that's life.
Mature individuals don't play blame games. That's for kids whose soft egos just couldn't handle the occasionally-soft blows of reality.
The Cupcake Pyramid
Lisa had fifteen cupcakes. All in assorted colors, except there was only one yellow cupcake. Lisa was five years old. Being the little girl that she was, she decided to play with her cupcakes. She stacked them all on top of each other like a pyramid. She put five on the bottom (the yellow cupcake right in the middle), then four, three, and so on.
Lisa had an older brother named Seth. Being the little older brother, it was Seth's job to annoy the wits out of Lisa. Seth took the sole yellow cupcake and ate it.
Like A Twisted Game of Hide and Seek
Some moments, when we're just by ourselves, I see you very clearly. Every little detail, every odd imperfection, every nook and cranny. I smile. You have this yellow, sunny aura right about you. You shine so bright, it's beautiful. Those are the moments where I love you the most.
But you disappear in the crowd.
One minute, I see you, standing alone amidst the city bustle. The next, I don't anymore. Your light dims. You lose your colors, blending perfectly in the grayscale world.
You lose yourself. I don't see you anymore.
Self-Assessment First Half 2017
Changes I've noticed in myself lately:
1. I am angry most of the time
2. Or at least I speak in an angry tone
3. My patience has dropped to an alarming degree
4. So has my tolerance for stupid things
5. I'm not that nice anymore
6. I'm more vocal
7. My daily frown rate has gone up to probably 80%
Things that might've caused such changes:
1. Mobile Legends
2. My boyfriend
3. Maybe some people really are idiots
4. Or maybe I was really born to grow up into this sucky adult
Today is my sister's birthday.
I thought we will be having a little family dinner, but turns out we won't. Christine and my mother opted to just go to my mother's sister's place since her adopted daughter will also be celebrating her birthday today. I was planning on bringing a nice cake to imagined dinner, but since there's no dinner, I'm simply just planning to bring a nice cake. I feel slightly bummed I didn't get anything for her, though. We normally don't get anything for each other on birthdays, but I feel like I should've gotten her something anyway.
Red Ribbon Cinnamon
I can't do things with other people watching. I get conscious over what I do even when I've done it a thousand times before, even when I know how to do a certain thing with my eyes closed. I get pressured over mistakes I might make, I overanalyze details to the point that I find myself unable to execute things as effortlessly as I usually would. I focus too much and end up losing focus altogether.
I would very much rather be left alone to do things on my own-- make mistakes and learn on my own.
To be honest, I'm having a hard time with money lately. I believe it all started when I bought swimsuit supplies for my online shop even when nobody ordered them in the first place. Right now, I'm down to my last P700. Next pay day is this Friday. I'll probably get around, let's say, P4,500. I have rent to pay (P3,000), a P.O. card (P625), plus a monthly fund contribution (P500). That leaves me with just P375 to make do until next pay day. Hopefully, some people would learn how to pay debts. Tough times.
Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.
I donít know if youíve ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.
Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.
Romeos & Juliets
Mich, Lea, Darren, and I hung out today. We had closing-time milk tea, some chips at a 24/7 convenience store, and an awful lot of catch-up conversations. We planned on exploring Bogo City and Malapascua Island once Darren gets his second day off this August. It's pretty challenging making plans what with our work schedules constantly at clash with each other, but we make them anyway. Time got lost in laughter and the next thing we knew, it was already two in the morning. Time to go home.
Work sure does make maintaining friendships harder.
Breakfast for Champions
It's 6 AM. It rained the whole night last night so the morning had this misty, dream-like quality to it-- it was beautiful. And you had to ruin it. All I meant was you didn't have to waste energy getting worked up over such trivial things. I meant well. But your immature little brain works differently. I'm done.
Note: Today is 15th July 2017. I am writing this on the 13th because I have a time machine. Kidding. Because I live in a GMT+8 time zone. So technically, it isn't the 15th yet on 100words.
These past three days have been exhausting for me. All I ever did was work, home, then sleep. No more Mobile Legends sessions, no more Facebook browsing, just sleep straight up. It all started when Mich, Lea, Darren, and I decided to hang out post-shift. That was Wednesday. It was my day-off, Mich gets of at 8PM, and Darren & Lea both get off at 11PM. We all had work the next day, but mine was the earliest (8AM compared to Darren & Lea's 3PM and Mich's 11PM). All was well until the moment I realized it was already 2AM.
Bad traffic. Non-moving lanes on the bridge. Restless waters down under. Gloomy skies. Too many motorcycles. Ants and flies. Lost signal. Frontal lobe pounding. Thud, thud, thud. Freezing a/c. Turn it off, please. Daydreams of warm hugs and hot chocolate with mallows on top. Everything feels like it's moving in slow motion. Deafening silence. Static on the radio. Still. Thisshig, thisshig, rrrerrk. Sleepy eyes. I have to pee. Drained spirits. Bleak afternoon. Nothing to see here, might as well just go to sleep. Wake me up when we get home, wake me up when the sun has risen.
I am the third person now, watching from the sidelines. I see things. You have this complex, this behavioral disorder I take it, where you are constantly blinded by your belief that you are
right and that you
make mistakes. In absolute. It's a funny thing, really. I see you err, and I see you try to twist things to make it seem like you didn't. You are so desperate for perfection to the point that you are willing to sacrifice relationships for it.
If you keep up with this attitude, I don't think we'll last very long.
I do not think I will ever see you the same again.
Tonight, I was witness to how horrible you are as a human being. How inconsiderate, how selfish, and without a word of honor. You care too little for the very people who care a lot about you. This has been eye-opening. I guess it's true what they say that if you're a part of a situation, it's difficult to see things. But once you sit on the sidelines, everything suddenly becomes crystal clear.
I see what you do now. I see horrible things.
Tonight, something has shifted.
Today is my mother's birthday.
I wanted a big celebration, but there's only so much you can do with the constraints of a tight budget.
My old self would have been quick to plan things, jump at the first thought of birthdays. This time though, is a different story.
We will have a family dinner this Saturday, and I can't believe I'm still debating within myself if I should get my mom the special red velvet cake from Homebakers Inc. which costs P950. Past self would've went far and beyond by ordering a customized fondant cake.
Oh, how things change.
I wasn't informed that I have the most apathetic boyfriend in the world.
I don't get a lot of moments like this. I don't get these sort of chances where I could let loose every day. That's why whenever one comes up, my ears perk up, I jump at the opportunity. I hope you would consider the desperation behind my understanding facade. I'm sick of acting like everything is alright. No, it isn't. It's all just pent up inside unable to come out in fear of being wrong. Unexpressed feelings all bottled up, because my boyfriend just couldn't care less.
365ms and The Deep, Dark Gutter
I'm starting to procrastinate writing again. Right now, I'm five entries behind. It's not that I forget, it's just that I couldn't get myself to do it partly also because I mostly have nothing to write about. My days are just too ordinary. I'd like to give good content and good writing, but maybe I'm just not built for it? Maybe I'm just pushing myself too far up my actual abilities? Or maybe, just maybe, I have to stop living in an endless cycle of routines to always have something interesting to write about.
The memory is starting to get dusty in her mind, but she will never forget how it felt. The sun with its afternoon blaze lurking down the horizon, the cold winds from the mountains, the sandwich on her left hand that tasted like paper bag, and the flavored milk on her right which have now become one of her favorite drinks. They were by themselves in a little town up North. Far wanderers, but not lost. She breathed in deeply the smell of the air called freedom. The sun was shining, the winter has passed-- it was a beautiful day.
Three Conflicting Plans on One Saturday
Go see our visiting cousin and her family (they're based from Canada) at Strawberry Residences, Mabolo. (They'll be staying for a whole month, though)
Mother's birthday dinner at Ayala Center Cebu. (Restaurant yet to be decided.)
Go hang out with Mich, Lea, and Darren for old times' sake. (Plan was to have dinner at Lantaw, Busay. And see where our random minds take us after.)
Why can't things happen one at a time? I've had numerous empty Saturdays, how come not one of those three showed up then?
People envy other people for all things they don't have, not realizing that other people envy other people for things that the latter have and fail to appreciate. It's a sick, twisted world we live in. Humans look to others for validation and acceptance, when others don't even have to matter at all. If only we could, at least just for once, try to look not at others but within ourselves, and see all the beauty that others would be willing to trade anything for. With that kind of positivity, I'm sure the world would be such a beautiful place.
No History of Trauma
I literally can't type entries on 100words from home anymore because my computer keyboard is broken. The upper letter keys won't work. I don't know what happened, I most certainly didn't hit it with anything. All I know is it just decided to stop working. At first, I thought it was just a connection issue. So I restarted the PC, thinking that everything will be alright. Wrong. I guess I'll have to get a new one. Thinking of getting a nice one, but afraid the price will make me have to sell one of my kidneys.
The Glorified Rag
Deeper into a relationship, you will realize that material things aren't that important after all. Although it matters in a way that it represents thoughtfulness, time has taught me that they are not at all necessary. The best things are the simple things. The best kind of gift is time, love, and understanding. Small, yet meaningful tokens will always be better than empty, grand gestures.
Today was my boyfriend's 25th birthday. My birthday present for him was a set of microfiber cloth for cleaning his car. And my 24/7 love for over 3 years and counting.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
My right hand hurts from playing too much Mobile Legends on my boyfriend's phone. There's a medical intern outside waiting for a preliminary reading, but I'm too pissy to be bothered to instruct her properly on where to get one and who to look for because I think that they should have endorsed it within themselves what goes down in each department. I mean, duh, don't you guys help each other out? I hope she's gone now after I write this entry because I really have to pee. My bladder is about to explode.
If anybody accidentally accesses this account, it will be the end of me.
Most of the time, I write entries at work. I use the incognito window and make sure to close everything before leaving, but I'm scared I might forget.
I can't fathom the thought of sharing this much personal information with any living person in this planet, to be honest. I've never been an open book, I only show what I feel like showing. If anybody ever reads these entries, it will almost be an equivalent of seeing me naked. I detest such sheer exposure, such.. intimacy. Ew.
Today, I had work from 8AM-4PM as usual. My mother texted me saying we will have a small dinner at our visiting cousin's rented apartment. I have work early the next day, but dinner sounds harmless and it's been a while since the last time we've seen them (probably a couple of years ago), so I said okay. I sealed a deal without knowing what I was truly signing up for. To make the long story short, we got home at one in the morning. I was tired. I was angry. But most importantly, I was disappointed.
Saturdays in Blue
There is no controlling the fact that some days you just feel like utter crap. Days where you feel fatter than normal, where your clothes just don't feel right. Days where your thighs feel ten times bigger, where you can't help but inwardly scream every time you pass by a mirror. Days where you're disgustingly sweaty, and your ill-fitting clothes keep sticking to your body. Days where you can't maintain your posture, and your hair just doesn't cooperate. Days when you feel like an absolute loser. Days where little dear confidence decides to call in sick.
The Sad Truth
There is no known unit of measurement for love. And so it follows that one always loves more than the other. One gives while the other takes. Falling in love is blind faith. It is jumping despite the looming fact that the fall could end up breaking you. That is the sad reality. That is why relationships are built on trust, not love.
How do you explain a person who still keeps on fighting despite all the unforgiving odds? Is that bravery? Or simply stupidity? There is a fine line between the two, one must tread carefully.
Forty months sound like a really long time. It's weird how it didn't feel like it to me. My colleague at work recently asked me how long we've been in a relationship for. I answered two years. It was automatic. It was wrong. Only upon seeing my relationship status on Facebook did I realize that we've actually been together since March 31st 2014. That counts for over three years.
I'd like to believe nothing's changed, but most of everything did. It's good and it's bad at the same time, and I'm still wondering how that works.
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