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Today was the best day I've ever had at work. When I left, I thought
My New Filing Technique is Unstoppable!
Today happened in part because I read the
Harvard Business Review.
There was an article in it about not only having Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœA' Players in your company, but also making sure they are in Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœA' positions. When I read the article, I thought I was an Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœA player' in a non-'A' position. Today, however, I realized I was in an Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœA' position , but needed to step it up as an Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœA' player.
A little something to look forward to.
My heart, mind, soul are so big right now; my eyes, ears, mouth, nose, hands so present. I feel as though I have never been awake in my life, and hence have given up being unconscious and dreaming. At 4:41 am, it is so foolishly late that it's early.
I will admit that this is, in part, about a boy. A boy that calls me and leaves embarrassingly long voicemails, who texts me impulsively, and who carved out time for me simply because I asked. He wears glasses that give him character and asics that remind me of Rebecca.
A moment of truth: I have no idea who I am. I have been trying so hard to improve upon things I am not that I have lost all sense of self. I have persuaded myself of so many different notions that I don't know who I am anymore.
I thought I could find myself in listening to others, but now I feel that they are so indoctrinated in my past acts that presently I lose all of self in this listening. So now I am also learning the importance of patience. Perhaps only through both I can authentically self-actualize.
On Friday, I looked up the meaing of my Chinese name,
I have been told the meaning of
before and had even looked it up, but never had I quite felt at home with it as me. It was too monosyllabic; it was an excessive vowel sound.
Now, the dictionary speaks differently.
means Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœadaptable' and is pictographically symbolized by many moons contained under a roof and above a floor. Thus, I am elements of the sky brought down to earth, encased and at home.
It resonates with me like Walt Whitman:
I am large, I contain multitudes.
I have started this entry over and over in frustration - making eloquent overtures, nonsensical sentences, and fatuous paragraphs to reach the requisite 100-word mark. All of which have since been deleted. While 100 words initially seemed very terse, succinct, and simple, I have come to make it difficult - wanting to stuff pithy haiku meaning into its bare form. Looking into the future, I am not sure how pleased I will be at the end of the month with all my entries before me ... but at least I am writing writing writing again and that, by God, is a start.
I had brought merlot to the party but when I entered, Ellington said here they didn't drink red. So I hid my yellowtail in the coatroom and got a drink at the bar.
"Are you superstitious about finishing a bottle of wine?"The bartender asked, as he poured me the last bit of sauvignon blanc.
"Well tonight I guess I can't be,"I replied.
"You know what it means to get the last part, don't you?-
"No,"I asked jokingly, -what does it mean?-
"It means you'll be happy in your love life.-
"I could live with that.-
My tummy feels gross - too full of street vendor food, a brownie sundae lunch, and chicken teriyaki dinner, the last of which was eaten at 11 pm. I can feel it in my stomach, heavy as a rock, refusing to be digested.
I have not been exercising as much as I used to or as much as I would like. Although I ran before dinner, I did not stretch, did not do crunches, or any of those fancy toning exercises out of
magazine. I never thought I would be one to care so much about physical health.
I have been practicing Elizabeth Bishop's
: letting go of something everyday, letting farther, letting faster. Last week, for instance, I've forgotten my keys, my cell phone, my wallet, my planner, my journal. I've learned that I can survive without these items and with some help from my friends.
In addition, I've set myself free of being right and doing only what I want. I've replaced these with the convictions and emotions of other people - allowing myself to bathe in their pleasure and happiness instead of simply my own.
And yet, sometimes this art is still not so easy.
I had a two-and-a-half hour long conversation this evening. Peter and I met up at the tea lounge, an outing we planned a month ago but never followed through on. The delay made the meeting much better - there were so many more developments in our lives of which to speak.
The dialogue rose naturally between us - we lobbed words back and forth, sometimes I more than he and vice versa. We were abound with ideas, thoughts, suggestions, and good humor. We were on the same page, reading the same sentence, and our fingers pointed to the same word. Good times.
Last month I read
The Tao of Pooh
; now, I am in the middle of
The Te of Piglet
. Although these are simply books I would not have ordinarily picked up, I am getting so much meaning out of their message of simplicity.
Sometimes, however, it is very difficult to be simple. To be happy in the face of unwelcome news and unpleasant surprises. I realize it is I, however, who qualifies these news and surprises so and am declaring to let go of the Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœun'.
I am creating the possibility of being happy with just the way things are.
Today, I got music back in my life. After weeks of putting off the computer upgrade, hoping someone more literate would save me, I did it myself. I installed Mac OS X Panther; I installed my ipod software. I am slowly transferring each of my CDs onto the white portably luscious harddrive, reminding myself, to "never forget your beginner's spirit!-
Now, I feel I am on the brink of my life and waiting for something to happen. While new and exciting plans are in the works, I am growing impatient with life's never-ending percolation. I want my caffeine already dammit!
Today was snow, snickerdoodles, vanilla-frosted cupcakes, and thai. My roommates slept in late, I slept even later, and the second wind came right when the snow stopped falling and we started playing. We used cardboard boxes as makeshift sleds before extorting a green tray from someone leaving the park for two dollars. Prospect was filled with twentysomethings, thirtysomethings, young families, and dogs. It was something else to be surrounded by so many big kids.
Never let me understand Adults and how they reminisce about the good old days. Good days happen all the time if you refuse to grow old.
This was the second night we would wind up in one another's bed. It was so late it was morning. The snow outside had prevented our initially hasty return. I think, now, however, that it was better that way.Upon our arrival, the three of us shed our going-out clothes, transformed into sweats and pajamas, and congregated in our narrow kitchen.
"This is the weekend we became friends,"Marisa would declare when we made the transition to her double bed and comforter.
We let the thought sink in for a few minutes, then turned the lucky stars on her wall upright.
What made my Valentine's Day was seeing the empty box for a 3-speed $99 thong in the Barnes and Noble women's restroom.
I spent the early evening with a single male friend at Intermix - contemplating whether or not (he chose not) to buy the ultimate Diane Von Furstenberg polka-dotted party dress in size 4. $385 plus tax.
We then settled in for some coffee and conversation, curiously pondering the motives, games, and neuroses of the opposite sex.
But what made my Valentine's Day was seeing the empty box for a 3-speed $99 thong in the Barnes and Noble women's restroom.
Today has been loads and loads of conversation. Heaps and heaps of words exchanged, internalized, digested, and shat out. Some of it I got, some of it I didn't. Most of which I'm sure I was not even present to. In the end, I've learned that none of it really matters - conversation will occur whether or not I am there.
A man on the subway, however, did mention that he liked the twinkle in my eyes from listening and laughing in the process. And I suppose that counts for something. For what? Of that I am not yet so sure.
Late Wednesday night, my new friend and I were riding the Q train home to Brooklyn. I was speaking about an unconsummated relationship and she was advising me to let it go. We got off at Dekalb Avenue to transfer to another train which never came. While we were waiting on the platform, a timid man with a camera and German accent approached us. He told me he was a professional photographer who could see the twinkle in my eyes when I laughed.
If eyes are the windows to the soul, I like to imagine it twinkling when I laugh.
I used to be a big phone person. In junior high, I would take full advantage of our cordless phone - walking into closets, pacing about kitchen, etc. in hours-long conversations with my best friend Lauren. We must have said everything to each other even though now, years later, we hardly ever speak.
Now, I am no longer a phone person. With cell phones proving accessibility everywhere, I have suddently become elitist, preferring in-person contact. Face-time trumps ear-time everytime.
As people become increasingly busy and far away, however, I'm learning to work with what I've got.
And it ain't always much.
Last night, I arrived in Philadelphia. I headed out of work early, caught the A to the F, and headed into an early evening Chinatown bus. It dropped me off at 11th and Arch in Philadelphia. There, I waited in a Wawa, travelled to Center City by car, and ate dinner at Audrey Claire with an old friend. Amazingly, the servers there still remember me from over a year ago. That was unexpected.
Aaron and I talked over where we stood in our relationships. This turned into reminiscing about how we began ours. I was so hard on myself then.
Today, my friends and I went to a psychic in Philadelphia. We wanted to each get tarot card readings, especially after our plans to visit a strip club fell through.
A Sunday, we dialed many numbers before reaching one who was working on this 'Day of Rest.'
The trip was, to say the least, an experience. Crystal balls and chandeliers abound, funk music played, and we all danced the robot while waiting our turn. The psychic consequently yelled at her husband to turn down the stereo with shouts of, "they're dancing! they're dancing!"
My true fortune is moments like this.
I'm starting to feel empty again. An infinite abyss is taking hold and I do not protest too much. It can be exhausting generating so much energy all the time; I wish I could give this responsibility to someone else while I sleep eternally. Only waking up with a knight who has a kiss upon his (and my) lips.
I purchased a previously-viewed
today. While I think most of the time I am Sam, today I feel like Large. Numb for so long and wishing to feel something again.
At the very least, I want a good cry.
Tonight, I found out an old boyfriend is going to be someone else's new husband. That absolutely blows my mind. I haven't communicated with this boy for four years; now I find out in May he's going to need a Best Man. That kind of realization is eerie for a twenty-three year old urbanite, who has it stuck in her head that she shouldn't think of marriage at least until she's 28.
Why do I even have that idea in my head anyway? Much as I like being single, I'm also open to the idea of lifelong romance starting .... now.
Last night, I dreamt of Keanu Reeves.
His cameo appearance was inspired by my recent viewing of
, a movie in which he played a hippie therapist-orthodontist. He played the role so convincingly because he was so completely himself. I felt like I found him at his primordial
So he appeared in my dream. I don't know exactly what role he was playing but at some point he was trying to find me and I was evading him.
I keep thinking about power animals, what mine is, and whether I should tell anyone about what it is.
This spring and summer, I shall wear skirts and dresses. I shall buy dainty, pretty things and let myself be feminine, sophisticated, fun and elegant. This fall I learned the importance of business casual - the conservative lines and uninspiring colors. Now, while I realize that there is a place for such clothes (i.e., the workplace), I do not have to assimilate to the point of losing my sense of fun and whimsy.
I will be girly.
I will buy the pieces that make me happy.
I will buy that which I love and make it work.
I will be fun.
I need to learn to stop beating myself up. I have become paralyzed by the level of commitment I've given certain projects, certain people, etc. and feel again that I am nothing, nothing, nothing for myself and everything, everything, everything to everyone else. I feel like I could and should disappear. Life is becoming a little too much for me to bear again. It's becoming hard to breathe.
I want to have a pity party for myself, but it's become hard even to cry. I feel numb and desire feeling again. Oh, if I had the drugs to do it!
Sometimes (today) I fear seeming needy and persistent. Sometimes, I have an impulse I'd like to see realized and I pursue it until its immediate fruition or failure. I haven't decided whether or not I should embrace this quality about myself or if it is something I should let go.
I fear encroaching on other people's space. That I am smothering them with my desire to connect. Should I take the hint of silence, stop my impulse to speak again?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Last night, I received a gift that was fifteen months late, i.e., right on time. It contained my memories from New Year's 2005. I spent it in Hong Kong with three ex-pat friends. I spent the entire trip sick yet determined to have a good time. This meant throwing up tylenol at dim sum and staying up till 6 am consistently every night.
Daniel compiled a photo montage movie of our adventures.
The best gift was the Jem CD he included. He once said to me that he would be the popsicle in the ice cream truck I wasn't chasing.
A high school friend called today as she was packing to be a maid of honor at Disneyworld. She pointed out that I have a problem when it comes to not knowing. I've been told in the past that I can't deal with ambiguity, but it never hit home until she said it.
While I like to pretend I can deal with things that are grey, I realize now I that I've always thought grey areas in black and white. While other people were confused about the distinctions, the gradient, etc., I always Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœknew' better. Even when I was wrong.
I am becoming an impulsive eater again. The habit has been creeping up on me over the past few weeks. My sweet tooth has reared it head and is seriously asking for a cavity. And I, with no self control, have been indulging left and right - having pity parties, celebrations, and absolutely nothing better to do.
I know this is not what I really want and that the impact it will have is me being unfit, feeling gross, and fat. I can make no excuses for my lack of self control. I need to find the motivation within me again.
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