03/01 Direct Link
Its the day of the month again.

The day where I feel useless and helpless. The day where I feel that I will never get looked by a man twice because I am so unattractive. The day where I feel that I will die without ever dated.

The day where I feel that I will not be able to get into an university because I am not good enough. Wait, I am never good enough for anyone or anything.

Maybe its just all the pessimistic thoughts deciding to meet me today.. Or maybe I am really that useless and helpless.
03/02 Direct Link

Maybe my life is not worth living. Maybe I should just spare others from their sufferings as they interact with me. Maybe I should spare the world of an ugly person, and make the world a more beautiful place to live in.

This low self-esteem attitude has been stuck with me for as long as I can remember, and I will do anything to be rid of it. But somehow, I always think that I am not good enough for anything and/or for anyone. Maybe I should just kill myself like what I have been harping on.
03/03 Direct Link
I am finally able to understand why the working people love their weekends so much. After working for a week and realizing that the weekend has arrived, I feel immerse effervescent joy in me. It was as if the whole world was lighted up, and they were celebrating the birth of something great.

It is indeed an exaggeration, but seriously, it felt so good to step out of the office on the Friday evening, realizing that you do not have to work for the next two days. Yes! The two days will just be spent on lazing around at home.
03/04 Direct Link
Its the first time I am working continuously for four days a week, and even though it is an administrative job, it is taking a toll on me.

With lots of pressure due to handling issues regarding both customers and superiors, I am forcing myself to deal with the intense pressure. Not surprisingly however, I have already calculated how many days I am left with in the office.

Somehow, I viewed this behavior as a failure of myself. I have become unmotivated, lazy and nonchalant about things. What have I done to myself? Is this the life I really want?
03/05 Direct Link
Its the same shit over and over again. Having a crush on someone whom I only knew for 3 months for 3 years. Pathetic.

Its goes on and on. All I can do is to pray to God for him to let me find someone who loves me and whom I love, so that I can put down this package of burden. But unattractive and unfriendly me is not going to attract anyone anytime soon. So, till the day till I find someone... The cycle will continue.

Just when can I get out of this suffering I formed for myself?
03/06 Direct Link
Was reading up on the hedgehog's dilemma, which is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It states something like people can be afraid to be close to another, and thus, they will forge relationships slowly, and weakly.

Was relating this to myself, and I felt that I may relate to this if I get into a relationship one day. I may always be second guessing myself, or my partner, to the point where the relationship just decomposes.

Maybe it's good that I am single now, for the relationships I currently have with family or friends ain't fantastic either.
03/07 Direct Link
The lack of self confidence that I have for myself is both appalling and saddening at the same time.

I second guess myself at everything I do, and I approaches everything cautiously, because I have the thinking that everything I do will flop.

I don't even know how this happened. I had an average level of self-esteem in the past, but something inside me just fell apart. Not slowly, but it all crashed down in a split second. Whenever I try to pick myself up, I screwed up something again, and the boulders and pieces suffocate me once more.
03/08 Direct Link
Plagued by sadness again, just when I thought I can be happier this year.

Feelings of being unwanted, unable to achieve anything, unable to be loved by others (because I'm ugly)... I feel this way on a daily basis.

Recently, a friend commented,"I do not know if you had a bad past, like being raped or what not, but if you don't, I really do not understand why you have such a low self-esteem. It makes not only yours, but other people's life difficult."

I do not know why I am like that too. I wish I knew.
03/09 Direct Link
My life has become a daily scene of Charlie telling himself not to cry in Perks of Being a Wallflower. Every night, the turbulence of emotions just rush into me, and I'm just telling myself to stay strong, and do not let the tears fall.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes, the tears rolled down all the same.

The process I'm going through right now is just to stop being depressed. Being a Psychology student, I understand the stigma that people with depression still have today. I'm afraid I may not make it through sane with people's continuous judgmental views on me.
03/10 Direct Link
10 seconds before coming into this page, I thought that, hey, relationships ain't everything and they should not be a definition of who you are.

Yes, a relationship with quality is better than many relationships without the quality, but when I don't even have relationship of quality to speak of, how am I supposed to feel?

This constant feeling of being depressed is taking a toll on me and I am still trying to get out of the quicksand without anyone's help. We were born alone (unless you have a twin), and we will die alone. How sad is that.
03/11 Direct Link
Just a few weeks back, I cracked my phone's screen. Sadly, the phone has only been with me for approximately nine months. Being a person who maintains her stuff in quite a good condition, you can imagine how much I cussed, swore, cried, over the cracked screen.

Thirty minutes before typing this, I was attempting to DIY my phone cover on my bed with a permanent marker due to being so lazy, and alias! I left a stain on my relatively new bed sheet. I wish I could die, before my mum slaughtered me. What's with me being a klutz.
03/12 Direct Link
If I have an atlas in my hand, where will I go?

To Amsterdam, to see how the prostitution industry is like.

To Japan, to see the beautiful sakuras and Mount Fuji.

To Thailand, for some cheap and delicious food, and warm company.

To Laos, because it holds good memories of my volunteering trip there.

To Paris, because it is the city of love.

To Greece, because that's where all the Greek mythology came from.

To Korea, because I am into Korean pop.

My reasons may seem shallow, but that's what I really want, I guess. A girl can dream.
03/13 Direct Link
There is this feeling that I am unable to explain, but the monsters are coming in tonight before I sleep. Oh wait, it has become a normal thing recently.

You can bet to hell that I am sick and tired of these nonsense, and all I want to do is escape from this labyrinth of suffering. But I am just going in circles, and I am not even sure if there is an escape route. The vines are slowly closing in, and I have nothing to fight them off. Slowly, they will circle my throat. No oxygen, no air... Help.
03/14 Direct Link
A short getaway can be so therapeutic. Despite being only a bridge away from your country of residence, it really does wonders.

But when the bridge is crossed and we are back to reality, everything comes crashing down once more. Try with all our might, we are still not fast enough to run away from the boulders that threaten to crush our souls, dreams and health.

Is this the pains of growing up? If I had known all these when I am younger, I will never say I wish to be an adult. Never.

Being an adult sucks. Screw it.
03/15 Direct Link
Slogged my guts out for this semester, but I received shitty results for it. What happened to the term "you reap what you sow?"

The future is bleak as what the world enphasizes on the paper chase, and nothing else. If I don't have the papers that determines my future, what can I do then?

Being someone who places a lot of pressure on myself, it doesn't help when your parents continue to blame you for not doing well.

Dear pa and ma, do you know how easy it is for me to jump down and end it all instead?
03/16 Direct Link
It's one of those days where you did nothing again, and in a way, I am relieved, because it means that there will be no crazy surge of emotions that threaten to drown me.

Was watching Bachelorette, and even though the general comments were not so good, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly. Gena's life/love story spoke to me the most. One mistake, and she ended up fucking up her life till she met her ex again. Things finally took a better turn for her and all well ends well. Lucky her.

I hope the same goes for me too.
03/17 Direct Link
Happiness and Sadness.

I am sure most people would choose happiness over sadness. But cynical me thinks that sadness is important too, as it allows us to appreciate the happy things in life.

What happens when one is sad for most of the time though? I guess one ends up being happy when things finally seem good, but yet one cannot appreciate the things as it is for one fears that the happy thing will evaporate in a blink of an eye. We are scare. That is why pessimists are always prepared for the worst. I'm one of them sadly.
03/18 Direct Link
With flickering moods, I am unsure of what do I really want. But a part of me tells me that I do not want to be a bitter hag ten years down the road.

Maybe it's just the teenager years... Really. Faced with a dark hole, we do not know to whether take the leap of faith or stand on the edge, thinking if we should be cautious and slowly put a ladder down instead. However, while putting the ladder down, we wasted precious years and grew up hesitant and bitter, never grabbing the chance to do what we want.
03/19 Direct Link
Life right now is only about working and trying to not commit any mistakes. I tried to inquire my inner thoughts but it is not working too well these days.

Maybe it's just me, or its just the teenager period. Life is filled with anxiety and questions without any answers. Even though we may constantly ponder on the decisions we want to make, the future still seems like a bleak hole as no matter how we think of our decisions, it is unable to give us a foresight. A small insight will be perfect, but that may frighten us too.
03/20 Direct Link
I hate how it seems like there can never be a day where I do not make any mistake at work. Not only am I creating troubles for myself, I ended up making huge troubles for my managers as well as they have to clean up the shit that I did.

They hired me to make their life easier, but what I am doing is putting more food onto their plates than they can handle. They say all humans err, but I wished I erred less. Not just to make myself happy, but to make people around me happier too.
03/21 Direct Link
Finally a relatively peaceful day at work, and I am so thankful for it. Every day, before work, I will be telling myself,"after today work, I will only be left with xx more days before my contract ends."

And while I am working, I will be counting down to the number of hours I am left till the end of work. It is really depressing to think like this, but I am not enjoying what I am doing. On the other hand, it encourages me to work harder when school starts and get into a job I like doing.
03/22 Direct Link
It is both amazing and scary at the same time to realize how long our parents/colleagues/relatives have stayed in a company. Amazing because they actually sold their life to the company for xx years, and scary because they are actually willing to do it.

It's all for living purposes, but honestly, it is scary. I am a person of routine, but to go through the same routine for more than 15 years, that is really respectable and sad. But soon, I will be joining the growing work force, slogging my guts out for a company for xx years.
03/23 Direct Link
Even though I used to say that the friends one made in secondary school will be the one that lasts the longest, I am starting to doubt my own words.

The friendship seems more and more superficial of late, and there is not any growth in the friendship as it stays stagnant and only small talks are made. No emotional revelations are made, and it's weird, really. It's as if they are scare of being judged for being weak, but then again, we have already been friends for seven years. We should have reached a point where we don't judge.
03/24 Direct Link
It's work tomorrow again.

No wonder the acronym "TGIF" exists. Every Friday when I end work, I have to fight off the urge of running out of my office screaming,"I AM FREE... FOR TWO DAYS AT LEAST."

Why two days and not really two and a half days? That is because the emotions that come at the later part of Sundays tend to be sad... Sad that work resumes tomorrow, and one will have to work like a slave for the next coming five days ahead.

The human cycle is so sad. Study, work, die. No one can escape.
03/25 Direct Link
In an attempt to increase my chances of entering a local university, I actually signed up for A level exam, but just one module, and obviously it is English Literature.

I have no idea if this will garner me a higher chance of getting into a local university, but... No harm trying. And if I am able to score a decent grade despite having only six months to study, that will be one of my biggest achievements then I will say. Not that I have any achievement in the first place.

But to pay $160 for one exam paper... Damn.
03/26 Direct Link
Life seems to be boring as I cannot think of anything to crap out, even though it is only a mere 100 words.

Maybe it is a good thing, for it will mean that I am not experiencing too much of a turbulence of emotions. Working life has been tiring, and the last thing on my to-do list is to go out. The one thing I want to do after work is to go home and sleep, but the next morning, the same routine will happen again. What's better? Getting tired because of emotions or because of work load?
03/27 Direct Link
I wished I had not spent my teenager years lamenting on how things had not gone my way, or how the guys I liked never liked me back.

But then again, these are things not worth regretting. They are a phrase of life that all of us go through, just that maybe some of us go through it more intensely than another. There are a couple of things I wish I had not done/had done, but I guess when I looked back, they will just be memories. Nothing more. Living in the present will be more important than lamenting.
03/28 Direct Link
At 2am in the morning, I woke up, played my game and could not go back to sleep. So I lied on my bed, thinking about my life.

That's when I realized I do not really have a life.

I am not going to complain about being unable to do what I want due to the education system and what not. It is more of a... "I am unable to achieve anything in my life despite having lived for nineteen years." Nothing to my name, nothing I can pass on. Nothing. No ambition, no fame, no money. Pathetic oh pathetic.
03/29 Direct Link
It's Good Friday today, and I got asked to attend a church service again, and I agreed.

Despite praying to God and having a small bit of faith in Him, I am unwilling to delve into the whole religion thing. Religion is not a dictatorship thing, but it seems a little like that at times and I do not want to give my life to it.

Moreover more, religions tend to say of themselves as the best, almighty and all, but every religion is somehow flawed. Maybe I am just too cynical, so I will stay off religion for now.
03/30 Direct Link
Life just brings about more and more uncertainties as the day goes past.

Even as I write this post. I struggle to form my words coherently and convey them as how I really think.

I'm not the nicest person in the world, I'm not the smartest person in the world, I'm not the most tactful person in the world...

But I try. But there are a thousand emotions in me, and these emotions get the better of me most of the time. Sometimes I try to suppress it, sometimes I don't. There are just so many internal struggles in me.
03/31 Direct Link
Why does emotions even exist?

We get too happy over something. We get too angry over something. We get too sad over something. It is near impossible for us to feel an adequate amount of emotions for something without feeling emotionally tired or devastated for the things that happened next.

And if one does not feel that often, it is a bad thing too. People say that person is heartless and passionless, but hey, what if the person acts that way because he/she has been through passionate emotions, only to be douse by cold water at the end instead?