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04/01 Direct Link
If ever an ex-wife can have fun it's when her ex-husband has a birthday on 1st April. I think I was pretty kind, considering. Wasn't the Ape smiling back in your mirror quite cute with his party hat and twinkling tooth? Wishing you a Happy Ape-ril Fool's Birthday.

I stopped by the Cameo but I missed March of the Penguins. If there was one thing I wanted to watch on the big screen it was March of the Penguins, especially as there was so much snow in March this year. Now it's the turn of the bunnies and chocolate eggs.
04/02 Direct Link
I don't know how many calories it takes to think. I had plenty of thoughts last month but I can't go back and rethink them now. I need more calories. After staying alive, breathing and moving my (wasting) muscles there's hardly any energy left to think. BTW, how am I going to replace my ever-depleting muscles? How do I calculate how many pounds of muscle I'm losing? Is this taking thinking too far? Should I just stick to what tastes good? Blackberries in their juice, warmed and spiced with clove and cinnamon, and a delectable dollop of crÃÆ'¨me fraiche. Mmmmm.
04/03 Direct Link
So. This is what falls out of her bag: A metal teapot, a packet of sea-salt, a squeezy bottle of non-organic honey (is there any other kind?), an empty cardboard tube that once contained an honorary bachelor's degree, a copy of M. Scott Peck's A Road Less Travelled, The Phone Book, a picture postcard of three street-cats staring at the moon, a coffee cup, a sieve, a clothes peg, the complete works of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, a block of yellow post-it notes, a printer, some speakers, an Argos catalogue and a jar of ball-point pens. She's a compulsive kleptomaniac.
04/04 Direct Link
Do whatever you want. I'm up for it. Turn back time. Your body is your temple. Jazz it up. Raise the bar. Herbal tea or squash? Leisure perfected. Never quick fix it. Life's too truncated. Just get on with it. Don't play games. Be warned. It's going to get dirty. Maybe next week. Maybe next year. You won't believe it. Just two minutes. It's all in the draw of the cards. Play safe, play fair. The code never changes. Not at all. Make sure it's clean. All is not lost. Will we find it? Or will we build it ourselves?
04/05 Direct Link
Life is one Plan B after another. I keep my kitchen sink shiny. I dress up to lace shoes every morning. The laundry is a bit behind and the master bedroom might look a mess, but there is a method behind the madness. Life is being de-cluttered one baby step at a time. Slow and steady wins the race. Today, I finally managed to deposit the cash at the bank. Three working days later than planned. However, my plan to see a debt counsellor failed as they don't do Wednesdays. Come back tomorrow. Life is one Plan B after another.
04/06 Direct Link
Life is one Plan B after another. I make my bed and dress up to lace shoes every morning. I'm catching up with the laundry; the mail hotspot's being cleared. There is a method behind the madness. Life is being de-cluttered one baby step at a time. Slow and steady wins the race. Today, I finally managed to get an appointment with a debt counsellor. Three working days later than planned. Then I couldn't face the wind so sought shelter in a halal butcher's. Bought some lamb's liver that I didn't mean to. Life is one Plan B after another.
04/07 Direct Link
I was just wondering if these new age siren voices aren't channelled by otherworldly entities (they all sound samey) when somehow I found myself on the site of a ‘sound shaman' who claims that a spirit ‘from the 5th dimension', called Atamira, ‘rides' on her voice to produce healing affects on the listener. Spooky or what? I tried to download O Factura Dei (supposedly featuring Atamira) to no avail. However, I listened to another track - all come under the genre of meditation or Gregorian chant as developed by Hildegaard von Bingen - but felt decidedly queasy. Obviously not the desired affect.
04/08 Direct Link
Yesterday Bart Simpson was drawn into church by a siren voice (whom he thought was his crush Jessica Lovejoy, the Reverend's daughter) but which turned out to be holy neighbour Mr. Ned Flanders. Bart said something to the effect of ugh ugh ugh. This is exactly how I felt upon listening to Norma ‘not-as-pretty-as-Ned-Flanders' Gentile. (See yesterday).

"When I sing, particularly when I'm singing the music of Hildegard, there is no applause,"writes Norma. Ever wondered why, Norma?!?! D'oh!!!!

"I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk - end of story."(Homer Simpson).
04/09 Direct Link
The economical hare liked to imagine that he was an alchemist, but he was too miserly to get hold of interesting chemicals. One year he met his match in a new neighbour, an ambitious mole who planned to become the most famous alchemist in Scotland. Hare couldn't contain his negativism when Mole claimed he was onto something. Namely some dangerous plutonium (‘Is there any other sort?' he snapped at Hare when he dared to be negative). But Hare laughed when Mole revealed his plan to root through the subsoil, seize the highly toxic element and transmute it into talcum powder.
04/10 Direct Link
‘(a + b)2 = a2 + 2ab +b2 is a binomial theorem,' the ship's professor-in-residence scrawled on the whiteboard.

‘Can it explain the Fall?' asked the ship's priest-in-residence, munching on some friable biscuit.

‘You mean the Big Bang?' asked the professor.

‘No, I mean the Fall.'

‘Newton's Law of Gravity?'

‘No, I mean the Fall.'

‘Oh, the Biblical Fall?'

‘Yes, indeed.'

‘No, it can't.'

‘Perhaps if you used some imagery to explain your theorem,' suggested the ship's writer-in-residence, helping himself to some hardtack. ‘At the moment it's a bit abstract.'

‘Excuse me,' frowned the professor, ‘but do I know you?'
04/11 Direct Link
The ship's captain leapt up and made the introductions. The writer-in-residence was glad he didn't have to introduce himself as a writer (for he had never published anything), and hoped that the kiss curl pressed against his forehead would make him look the part. If he had been asked directly if he was a writer, he would have replied in the negative. He noted that the professor was dressed as a professor should be, (as in the story of The Little Prince) before entering one of his periodic ‘don't-want-to-speak-to-anyone-and-hope-I'll-pass-for-mysterious' phases and merely observed the crumbs on his plush green jacket.
04/12 Direct Link
The Firecat was taking a dip in a stream when he spied a helicopter hovering above a house. There was water in his eyes so he had to blink to make sure.

‘Oh no,' he thought. ‘It's Harry's cat stuck on the roof again and it's my day off.'

He needed to hide. Luckily, there was a drum nearby behind which he lay low until he dried off. Then he had to go home by avoiding the fire station. When he got home, he tripped over some football boots.

‘Sorry, they're mine,' said the chimney sweep. ‘It's my day off...
04/13 Direct Link
(continued...)

...but I had to rescue Harry's cat who was stuck up your chimney.' He pulled his hood over his head and asked, ‘Did you catch anything in the stream?'

‘Yes, a whale.'

‘Really?' asked the chimney sweep.

Not!' fumed the Firecat. ‘Who do you think I am? A Fire-Leopard?'

‘I heard of Snow Leopards,' began the chimney sweep.

But the Firecat picked up Harry's cat and booted it out of the door while blowing a raspberry. Then he turned to the sweep and ordered him to march.

‘March!' he bellowed. The poor chimney sweep scuttled out like a skeleton.
04/14 Direct Link
It's Kong the eighth wonder of the world. We came to crossroads. He was eating sugar. Kong looked like a whale. He saw a shop assistant and a snow-plough this March. He loves raspberry or else he'd be a skeleton. I threw a chalk at him. He looked like a leopard.

Uh after coming from the toilet and eating popcorn in the bowl I heard a growl. Ah it's just a panther. No it's Kong. Threw a toaster and a plumber-man in the fountain. Hit a lawn mower on him. He growled and gave me a headache. Squint.

(Agent 0015)
04/15 Direct Link
Flylady wakes up, gets dressed to lace shoes, and cleans the toilet bowl. She tries to toast some toast and cheese under the grill, which doesn't work. Her cat growls like a panther. ‘You hungry, Kitty?' she asks as she puts bread in the toaster and cat biscuits in his feeding bowl. She shines her sink every morning but today the water doesn't go down so she phones the plumber. Through the window she sees her dear husband trimming grass by the fountain. The morning sunlight makes her squint. Dear husband turns on the lawnmower. It gives her a headache.
04/16 Direct Link
Flylady wakes up, gets dressed to lace shoes, and goes to the shed to find birthday candles and her duster. She gives Agent 0015 a chocolate egg and a hug and plans the day. A trip to the cinema to see Ice Age 2: The Meltdown; followed by a mini-birthday party; followed by a Salsa Celtica concert. Everything goes to plan. They even fit in a viewing of a Hitchcock video (Sabotage) but after the concert she misplaces her spectacles. ‘I want to fly not flutter!' she fumes. ‘How could I lose my spectacles when I've cleared the clutter? Scrat!'
04/17 Direct Link
She is on the eastside of a garden, walking down a path amidst tall, shadowy trees. To the west there is a sparkling lake upon which the sunlight dapples. She really wants to go there, for it is lighter and brighter. Huffing and puffing, her parents return carrying a large serpent, which they promptly put in the lake. "What did you do that for?"she complains as she reaches a crossroads. "Who do you think you are? Adam and Eve?"A small snake hangs like a question-mark from a branch above her. "Stay out of the darkness,"her dad advises.
04/18 Direct Link
‘Soldier, soldier, won't you marry me?' she sang as he waved his hose pipe around her garden. Which would have been good for the grass had it not been covered with snow. As she skated unwittingly across the sheet of ice, she cried out in alarm as her bottom crash-landed. She was having second thoughts about marrying him. ‘Where's the kettle?' asked soldier boy. ‘In the shed,' she replied (for she had given up tea). As she hobbled into the shed, she found her long lost ostrich-feather duster. So she gave him a hug and a nice cup of tea.
04/19 Direct Link
In Sammy's playroom were the usual toys, namely cuddly bears, pieces of lego, remote-controlled cars, in other words nothing to make me suspect that he was at all unhinged. So, I was quite surprised to find amongst all the usual stuff a little box, slightly smaller than the average matchbox, in which he kept a pet tick. ‘His name's Ludwig and he's blind,' he told me. ‘I found him on the beach when I was building a sand castle which was cruelly destroyed by a happy dog. He turned my castle into a mountain. I found Ludwig in the valley...'
04/20 Direct Link
Her thoughts flitted from thing to another like a butterfly suffering from attention deficit syndrome or whatever it's called. Where can I find a tailor? she thought as she watched a make-over programme on the television (where else?). Must clean the water-feature, as she removed a gooey pebble from the stagnant water.

Suddenly an amazing thought flashed through her brain like a bolt of lightning, and was gone.

Pond life, she mused as she continued to remove pebbles from the water-goo. Small as a postage stamp, which reminded her to take the chihuahua for a walk. His name was Logo.
04/21 Direct Link
‘You dirty brother, you killed my rat!'

‘Not my fault he choked on my thimble,' replied Wills, ‘he shouldn't have been eating it. He wasn't the brightest of rats...'

‘You calling my rat thick?'

Wills was about to say Harry should've remembered to feed his rat more often when there was a stir in the attic.

‘The attic?' said Harry. ‘What's that?'

‘Y'know, it's what normal people have. And other things like er... the cooker.'

‘And they shop at the greengrocer?'

‘Yes.'

‘And wear T-shirts?'

‘I'll give you one tip,' said Wills. ‘Always make sure you have a screwdriver handy.'
04/22 Direct Link
The sun was glaring. The driver searched for his sunglasses and noticed that Clarissa, his employer, had left her gloves in the glove compartment. He felt a frisson of excitement. He looked into the rear-view mirror and imagined her sitting in the backseat. He saw her lick her collagen-swell lips, bite into a chocolate flake and wipe the crumbs off her lipstick. Mmmmm, he thought as he promptly ran over a cow. And that is how Clarissa's holiday in the Scottish countryside in midsummer was ruined as she never got the picnic hamper, midge spray, stick of sunscreen and flippers.
04/23 Direct Link
Aside from local authority bye-laws, there is currently no parliamentary law banning travelling circuses that feature performing exotic animals; the demise of animal circuses in Britain is mainly due to market forces. Translation: less and less of the British public want to attend (therefore finance) ‘The Ugliest Show on Earth'.

Even so, there are three animal circuses still doing business in the UK: namely Peter Jolly's, Bobby Roberts', and The Great British Circus.

But should we be demanding more non-animal circuses? Even without animals, ‘The Greatest Show on Earth' is still pretty damn grotesque. Clowns, jugglers, the bearded lady, ugh.
04/24 Direct Link
‘You dirty brother, you killed my rat!'

‘Not my fault he choked on my thimble,' replied Wills, ‘he shouldn't have been eating it. He wasn't the brightest of rats...'

‘You calling my rat thick?'

Wills was about to say Harry should've remembered to feed his rat more often when there was a stir in the attic.

‘The attic?' said Harry. ‘What's that?'

‘Y'know, it's what normal people have. And other things like er... the cooker.'

‘And they shop at the greengrocer?'

‘Yes.'

‘And wear T-shirts?'

‘I'll give you one tip,' said Wills. ‘Always make sure you have a screwdriver handy.'
04/25 Direct Link
The blonde mermaid fell in love with a man-human (as usual). The non-blonde mermaids saw her as a man-magnet and started to get pissed off. So one of them decided to jump out of the water and slither her way to the nearest male-populated haven - the army barracks. When she arrived she got hit on the head by a tennis ball. The soldiers rushed out onto the street. One of them gave her a flower, another taught her how to juggle, and the third offered her his packed lunch. The non-blonde mermaid couldn't believe it; she'd reined in three man-humans.
04/26 Direct Link
This is why I hate clowns.

He took a spade and began to dig. He pulled out some rags and started to sew. When he'd finished I saw it was a puppet which he stuffed into a bag. Then he took out some ‘magic stones from the Alps' and dropped them into the bag, which he hung on a hook on the door. Then he took a piece of rock and poured water over it until it transmuted into mud.

‘The spell is finished. The mime artist is finished also,' he smiled through yellow teeth, sipping his mug of tea.
04/27 Direct Link
This is why I hate clowns.

He took a spade and began to dig. He pulled out some rags and started to sew. When he'd finished I saw it was a puppet which he stuffed into a bag. Then he took out some ‘magic stones from the Alps' and dropped them into the bag, which he hung on a hook on the door. Then he took a piece of rock and poured water over it until it transmuted into mud.

‘The spell is finished. The mime artist is finished also,' he smiled through yellow teeth, sipping his mug of tea.
04/28 Direct Link
I love my kitten. She is a ball of fluff and sleeps in my shoe. I have to be careful when I iron as she loves to pull on the cord. Ace, our dog, is especially fond of her. At the moment he's digging in the garden to hide his bone. Last night we went to the funfair and I won a mouse mat at the rifle range. Ace wasn't impressed. I never win anything worthwhile. My dad won a raft in a People magazine competition. He had to guess the weight of a forklift truck. ‘Beginner's luck,' he said.
04/29 Direct Link
I once lived in a terraced house like the one in this picture. Remember when you shot dried peas with a catapult at the passers-by from the upstairs window? The time you went to Niagara Falls and forgot to send me a postcard? The time you painted a still life in pastels? The grapes looked real enough to eat. I could always tell you apart from your twin. I still have the jewellery box. In it are the dried acorns reminding me of the day in the garden. Mowing and weeding, all dressed up in your good pants and waistcoat.
04/30 Direct Link
The swimmer has a phobia of the plug. She swims nowhere near it. She has an irrational fear of it being unplugged, and being swished down clockwise (or anti-clockwise), sucked down in the vortex. She'd rather get a verruca, or pick a pimple and watch the pus ooze out. She's afraid of animals too. Especially dogs, after reading Hound of the Baskervilles in bed. But strangely, she's not afraid of lions. After watching Wizard of Oz, The Lion King and many versions of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe she has a skewed idea that lions are cuddly/ harmless.