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I woke up exhausted AND with a daunting to-do list. Went to Weight Watchers and was over my goal weight but only by 2.6 lbs. That 2.6 lbs feels like 26. Ran into a friend at the grocery store afterwards. We reminisced and looked ahead. Nice catching up. I went home and slept, awaiting 4 foster kids' arrival. Sweet kids with so much to deal with, like shoes 2 sizes too small. Worrying about the to-do list seems minor...we are blessed. We have love and togetherness...and shoes that fit.
Today felt like it was 3 days long, with so much packed in. We spent a good part of the afternoon at a party at a mansion. The day ended with fireworks at dark. As we drove home, the kids were pondering "what ifs". "What if there were 2 moons, an evil moon that was red and a bright moon." The 8yr old pondered if the evil moon would rise for bank robberies. What if a frog appeared at the robbery. Would the cop be scared of a frog? "What if the moon was all cheese?"
It feels like death has been hovering close by lately. Friend's fathers, friend's mothers, church friends. I wish I could take their pain away. Is this what it will be like for the next few years? Or is this just a fluke? Today my heart just aches. Each loss takes me back to all of my losses. It's because the words they say sound identical to what I said in the days following each passing. Rest in Peace, they say. The soul rests in peace but the living must also find peace.
Chaos. Why do some people enjoy living in that state? It is their choice to be there, but they often times drag other people in...why? I get dragged in, and it winds up consuming my time. I offer solutions which are met with nay-saying. I smile and try to be positive but it's of no use. I cannot tolerate the chaos created. They could be standing in sunshine but they choose to step under the rain cloud. The power of choice is a powerful thing. Choose your mood wisely.
Is there such a thing as having too many options? Think about it...toothpaste, shampoo, bread, juice, lotion, salad dressing...one trip to the supermarket and it leaves your head spinning with options. Do I buy lotion that smells like mango, or that's unscented? Do I buy Pear Gorganzola salad dressing, italian, blush wine or balsamic vinaigrette? Gum....fruity, minty, or teeth whitening? I wish I could just grab and go. Instead, I stand there reading labels trying to decide what sets this particular brand apart from all of the rest. It's a waste of time. Oy!
I'm not sure what a mundane day is. Each day is packed full of stuff. My days are like my garage. I look at my garage and I think, "Where'd this all come from?" and "How do I get rid of it?" Then of course I go through each individual item and find a reason to keep it. Same with my day! Until I can prioritize and/or discard, I will keep running around crazy and feeling like I am sinking in quick sand. Something has to give. I want to feel free, even for a moment.
I finally came up for air after a long week. I sat and roasted marshmallows for s'mores over a mesmerizing fire. It was nice to get lost in the flames...I needed that. Campfires have a way of temporarily taking away stress. It provides the opportunity to clear your head. I pondered a time when fire was life. Food was cooked on it. It provided warmth. Fire provides comfort. Emotional comfort. Physical comfort. It has a way of telling a person that everything is going to be okay.
I keep remembering to do things and then forgetting. How can I go all day remembering and then "poof"...it's wiped out of my head. Is that a sign of being overwhelmed? Sometimes I feel like I have lost my mind. Sometimes it's little things, and sometimes it's big. I have my lists and calendars, but yet somehow I jump in front of myself. A routine needs to be established. The school year just started and my groove is not where it needs to be. Hopefully, I get my groove back soon. Ugh!
100 words seems like a lot, 30 minutes after taking a melatonin to help me relax and settle in to sleep. I am on my second sentence and I've had to correct almost every word for spelling. The iron skillets that are my eyelids seem to be blocking the view of my screen. Oh. I just dozed. This fighting to stay awake to write one hundred words does not seem worth it right now. In fact it feels like downright torture.--> I spelled that last word 4 times before I got it right.
When I came to this county from Trinidad, I knew that I had two older siblings, a brother and a sister. I was seven and had not seen my older brother David or older sister Kay in months. 5 more were born after me. Over the years, I'd hear horror stories about their lives. I longed to meet them but was fearful that they would alienate me. When the day came and I met them, it felt so natural. It felt like it was meant to be that way. I love having a family again. Blessed.
It is 10:33pm and I have not watched any 9/11 footage. I think I have emotionally blocked it. Last year was the 10th anniversary and I watched various shows to the point of addiction. I could not NOT watch the TV documentaries. I cried so much. I remember the emotional drain. We had just had severe flooding in our county so the sadness was already heightened. I will never forget 9/11 and loved ones lost or almost lost, but this year I held the memories in my heart and mind.
I took a melatonin and was ready for bed. 20 minutes later came the realization that I had to write 100 words. Here I am, feeling drunk...or what I imagine drunkenness feels like. I barely have control over my eyelids and my body couldn't move another muscle besides those in my fingers. Spell check keeps underlining my words as if to say, "Wake up, you dumb ass!" It would be strange to leave it as originally written. I somehow wrote the word "diners" for "fingers." I need some sleep, no doubt. My brain is mush.
There are days when there are a series of unfortunate events. You see, when you try to pump gas and it won't pump into your tank (keeps shooting back out) AND you're on empty, the sewer drain pipe busts open in the basement and leaves standing liquid grossness for you to clean up, the plumber can come 9 hours from now, you're short-staffed at work and have to spend the day in the field, you get home sit down for a minute and get a call saying Girl Scouts has started, etc. Need a rock to crawl under...
The kids are growing up so fast. Everyone said it would happen quickly. They said, "Before you know it, they'll be out of the house." As it turns out, it's true. My baby girl is my height and can fit my clothes AND I get HER hand-me-down shoes. The boys are wondering why their arm pits are smelling so bad.
I am staring in amazement because it seems like overnight there are drastic changes. Why do they seem to be 1 inch taller than yesterday? This is what is supposed to happen.
When kids are small, it is easy to protect them. As they grow, that protection becomes more and more difficult. Parents cannot stay at school and guard against the hurt feelings. Parents can talk after the hurt happens and provide guidance and encouragement for the next time. I never imagined having this FIERCE tiger instinct to do whatever it takes to protect them from any harm, physical or emotional. What's harder, is to stand back and allow them to be hurt so they can learn from that. It's necessary, but it can hurt to watch.
100 words. When we were little, it felt like a novel. Now it seems short. I wonder what would happen if I got to tell specific people , dead or alive, what I have been wanting to tell them, but only could do it in one hundred words. Where would I start? Dear Omar, why did you have to go and die? Dear Mother, why didn't you listen and take better care of yourself? Dear Former Employer, you're a freaking jerk. Your level of unprofessionalism was appalling. Dear Jeff, I love you.
Why I am letting this woman suck my energy out of my body?
I am spending so much time picking up pieces in her wake.
I know that she's all about finding misery wherever she goes, which makes me mad at myself. I want to be able to let go of it. I want to stop perseverating on this. IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLE that she can make mountains out of molehills in EVERY WAY. Her blood pressure must be through the roof. A stasis like that just can't be healthy. Quit being an energy sucker.
I miss the TV sitcoms of the 1980s. Remember watching the Cosby Show? I anxiously awaited the next step in Theo and Denise's life. Vanessa and Rudy were like my family. I waited for Alex P Keaton and his family each week, on Family Ties. I cried watching the episodes following Greg's death. When the Facts of Life came on, I dreamed of going to Eastland School. As a kid who was adopted, I could relate to Arnold and Willis on Diff'rent Strokes. The Wonder Years was well written. I miss those shows.
I started writing and fell asleep. I need to change gears to writing first thing in the morning. I'll need to get the kids out the door, make my vegetable juice, and write. Trying to do this at night when my body aches and my mind is slowed is next to impossible. My husband is watching TV and it sounds loud...so loud that I cannot focus on what I am writing. It may be no louder than usual but my extreme exhaustion is making it sound like a big gong. I need to sleep.
I have a child with special needs. When you look at him, he looks like he's neuro typical. He likes to play and laugh, but this changes at the drop of a dime. Other's think that he is ill parented and choosing not to listen but he's diagnosed with more things than they'd guess. I feel so bad for him. He wants friends. He wants to feel like someone likes him at school, but when he's rejected, he snaps at the kids he wants to be friends with. I love him so much.
I just so happened to have eaten bacon 2 days in a row this weekend while at a leadership retreat. This made me wonder why we have a sudden love affair with bacon Bacon t-shirts, posters, greeting cards, mugs, and bumper stickers. Bacon is bad for us yet it is promoted as the greatest thing ever. Don't get me wrong. I like bacon. I am just curious about this phenomenon. Maybe this was a brilliant ploy by the pig farmers of america, or maybe bacon is just getting it's rightful accolades.
IT CAN WAIT
I had the pleasure of being disconnected from the internet and having no cell phone signal all weekend. The anxiety started to build just prior. "What if I miss an important call?" and "I won't be able to get on Facebook." Upon arriving to the mountains, I quickly realized that there is nothing that cannot wait 2 days until I get back. As the bus returned to civilization, cell phones started to beep here and there, as messages were being retrieved. Most people in he group had barely gotten any calls or texts.
I dislike it when I feel like my voice is not being heard. It i's like that nightmare you have when something horrible is coming at you and all you have to do is scream and someone will help...but no sound comes out of your throat. When I look at my past trying to dissect why I am am this way, I come up with so many reasons. The ultimate is probably that I grew up getting slapped in the mouth/face for saying anything remotely expressing disagreement with what my mother asked me to do.
I have some people in my life that I would classify as extremely religious. Everything is viewed in the context of what "the Lord" wants them to do. If they are stressed, they pray and dismiss it saying that the Lord has a plan for them that he will reveal in time.
To a certain extent, I am jealous. I wish I could so easily lay my burdens down and know that this is the Master's plan. I worry and I make lists and I set goals. That's how I tend to move forward.
I pondered the notion of not having a voice when I want to be heard.
I must, of course, look at those times that I have said too much. I can fire off if I feel wronged...especially if I have been doing right by that person. I take it to heart and "let loose" giving them the "what for". I need to find a balance between letting my voice be heard and letting my silence be heard. It's equally as important to be silent because sometimes that says more than an words can say.
Why worry? What does worry do? It leaves an aching in the pit of my stomach. It makes my heart race. It makes me eat though I am not hungry. It keeps me up at night. It tells me that there's a chance I might fail...not focusing on the fact that there is a chance of success. Worry causes sleepless nights, forgetfulness, perseverations. Worry puts an unnecessary wall up between me and those around me. Worry is a road that leads to no where good, but it's travelled a lot.
Excess. We live in a world of excess. I was thumbing through a magazine and there were fashion tips. "How to look good on a budget." Apparently the budget allows for $1000 spent on 4 "must haves". $1000 dresses my whole family for a couple of years...and there are five of us! Some people I know have expressed the pressure they feel needing to buy their kids only designer label clothes and shoes. Some buy their teenage boys sneakers and baseball caps to match every color scheme. Daughters handbags cost $139! EXCESS.
The kids and I listened to a song about dreams tonight. What do you dream about wanting to do with your life? When does a dream become a goal..once the plan has been laid out? Are dreams fantasies? I would like to star in a movie. That's a dream. Being in the Olympics is a dream too. Okay, the athletic ability is sorely lacking, so the Olympics is more of a fantasy. I can act, but if I am not auditioning, there's no chance of ever being cast in anything.
Today we ate at a Chinese buffet. One of the guys filled his plate with fried shrimp and some other items. As it turns out, he hated the shrimp because it was too salty. I found myself commenting on how guilty he would feel wasting it, citing that there are starving children in Africa. But then I said that we don't even need to go so far away. I looked at my own kids and reminded them that there are kids in their classes who are starving. They may not eat except at school.
Today's day 30 of writing one hundred words a day. I feel great to have done this, because I don't feel like I have completely anything else in the past 30 days. I have done the "catch-up" and "put out little fires" thing. No major projects...just trying to stay above water with the little things. If I could apply the same theory to the rest of my life as this, I'd complete one major project. I'd be able to sit still long enough to read a book. I'd relax again.
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