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Ah! First day of December. Great, more presents to buy than last year. Depressing day it is. Damn Art! Stupid homework. Too much boredom. My eyes feel tired, dry. So, I helped with the Christmas decorations today, but there are too many ornaments this time. Way too many. Ok, so writing 100 words is harder than I thought. I guess I'll just write down my thoughts. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Time for my encaged mind to come out. Not all the way though, that might scare you. Just bit by bit. Day by day. You get the idea, right?
AAARGH!!! What a hectic day. I mean, they're like: "Go ask her out" all the time and I'm thinking, let me make up my own decision in my own time! Jeez. French, Art, Maths, Vet's, keyboard lesson all in one evening. Tired. Stressed. Pain. Confused, to name a few. Not long to go. Too cold outside. Damn this weather. I wonder. Maybe too much. So many choices to make in a lifetime. Some important. Some plain useless. "What will happen if I do this? Or that?" Doesn't matter. Or does it? Just do it. Take chances. So unlike me, though.
The End. So the day took a turn but I saw it coming. Things happen. Up and down, that's how it's been. Mostly down but that's me. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Or may take away… "We must live each day like it's the last. Go with it, go with it…" I wish I would. Easier said than done, right? Too much pressure. It overwhelms me.
You lie there. Motionless. And motionless you stare at me. Those eyes fixed on to mine. I wonder what you feel. I know I am helpless. I'M SORRY. See you soon. Goodbye.
I wonder. The brain. It's small. Such a complex structure of nerves and tissue. And yet it holds so much. MEMORY. Think of the amount of songs you know. Of the amount of lyrics you remember. Colours, smells, names, faces, places. The list goes on. Now think of how many things you still have to learn? Definitely more than 500Gigs of space in there. Now think of the things you DO forget. Some are very simple things like an addition of two numbers, what day of the week it is. Or even more importantly most like, how to write properly.
Depression. It blankets me with its stupid existence. Sometimes I want to go. To a deserted island for only five minutes. Just to get away from all of it. It's hard trying to mimic that in the playground. Excited souls creeping around me. Disturbing me. I do manage to slip away now and again. Familiar sounds blur into nothingness. Slowly. Until it's just me, wondering around my inner self. Escaping reality for a while. To rest, to charge up my battery. I can be there for a long time. Until some idiot makes a stupid remark and gets my attention.
Nothing like a good set of songs to take out your frustrations on. Music makes the world go round. A good bass line, hard drums and meaningful lyrics should do it.
I don't understand the boys' obsession with trainers. They're like: "ooh look at my new whatsits, and the leather, and ooh, the perfection… they cost me all of my year's savings. Am I cool or am I cool?" Please, expand your minds. Oh well, it'll be soon time to crank up the volume and attempt to Moonwalk but fail miserably.
How much make up does a woman need? In my opinion: none. I mean, no one should really need to paint themselves to appeal to the other sex. If a woman adds a tonne of whatsit to her face and looks beautiful, she doesn't really look like that. Key word: MAKE UP. It's only a mask that hides reality. Sure they can HIGHLIGHT bits here and there but not refurnish. People should be grateful how they are. It's almost like waking up next to your wife/girlfriend (without make up), you'll look at her and: "Hey! Who the hell are you?"
I suppose I should've told her right there and then. I eventually did. Only it was four moths later. Unexpectedly she blew it in my face. IF I did tell her then, then what happened might not have happened and my damage could have been saved. That brings me to expectations. You have expectations of something or SOMEONE and the expected becomes the unexpected. That's when your world becomes a blur. The past months were FAKE. A big lie. Hell, I was so upset it was unbelievable. Really.
As I struggle to forget, to end this chapter, I ask: WHY?!
I look at the stars. So clear, so bright. So simple, yet so meaningful. Hmm, so many people ignore their true value. Right now as I type, they shine with their mysterious sparkle and I'm sure no one I know is looking at them and taking it all in. "Wow! Look at the stars!" I'd say. "Er…you're sad." He/she may reply and leave. Come on, take some interest in something that doesn't go BEEP BEEP, BEEP BEEP every two minutes. No one really appreciates things. Gave presies today! I removed my key rings from my school bag. No one noticed.
Made a BIG mistake today.
It's amazing how much paint a paintbrush actually holds. It's almost like one's personality. You see a lot on the surface but the complexity of ourselves lies underneath, waiting to escape. Sometimes they do escape into the world and is hard for them to return inside. Silence is also an amazing thing. It allows you to hear what's important. Our conscience. I found it very odd that I managed to hear many songs in my head, crystal clear. But when you want to hear one, in a loud environment it is virtually impossible. Silence is good.
The number holds so much significance and yet so many of us miss it. Not only is it part of great events but it is a part of all of us. Believe what you want. There are so many forces that we humans classify as ‘invisible'. The truth is; they are very visible. We're just not looking in the right direction. Open you eyes and take in what's around you. LIVE. UNDERSTAND. Don't ask questions. Back at home we each have our Saint's day. Mine is on this day. Eleventh of December. ELEVENTH! Just so you know, Colleen.
Why does the clock speed up as we travel through our lives? Why do people care so much for pretty coloured paper and metal circles so much? Why do people look at you in a strange way when you do not do something "the way it's supposed to be"? When you dress "differently"? Why do people here complain that the weather is so miserable but when the sun shines, they complain it's too hot or sunny? Why the need for so much sarcasm? Why such a big fuss over getting drunk? Why being so "macho"? Why call everything ‘gay'? WHY?
This day had to come. I don't know if it was a good thing though. I said it. Whether I should have said it then and there is a different matter. Never mind. What's done is done, right? Have you ever had a moment when the objects surrounding you stop, all sounds slow down, your vision of irrelevant things blurs and you are concentrated on one thing only? Yeah, you. Have you? I have. For some reason it felt like I was watching myself. Like I wasn't there but was. After that moment, everything returned to normality. End.
Of course you might think that it's a complete load of crap. But is it? Think about it. There is a possibility that we and our world has been manufactured to keep us locked inside. Like "The Truman Show". How does one know if they are living in reality or not? Can you really trust everyone? We humans could be living a dream. A dream that maybe we cannot awaken from. Who knows. There are so many possibilities for how or why we live. It's a shame that we only really find the truth in the end. Enigma.
Now there's a touchy subject. If you go up to someone and plainly say "I have paranormal powers" the only thing that they will do is repeat exactly what you have just said with a look on their face and mentally think "freak!" But hey, its something we all have. Any one can do it. You just have to put your mind to it, literally. You also have to at least believe in its possibility. Try it. Whatever it is you want to do. Relax, use the muscle you thought you never had. Anyone can do it. I can
"Brains oozing out of brains" Man, I make NO sense sometimes. Anyway, have you noticed how parents seem to be less caring these days? I mean I'm not a parent or anything but I do notice when parents do not really give a crap. What are all these late nights, drinking, letting their kids do whatever they wanna do in the middle of the night? And some parents do not even ask what they did, who they are with etc. For all they know they are doing dope. Or worse. Come on people! These are the future of our Earth!
I love how music can soothe. For that one moment you press play, your problems disappear into the melodic beat. That's when you can be one with yourself. No worries at all. Music makes the world go round. Well, it makes my world go round…..ooh, look. The moon is out and it's still light. Cool, huh? Damn, today was going so well until ‘X' did exactly what I thought ‘X' would do. Ignore me. Sigh, I guess the music stopped. It may take some time to take it back to the beginning and start again. This time I'll press ‘repeat'.
It finally feels like Christmas. I look up and beyond me. A shower of thousands of vibrant lights fills the scene. They illuminate the streets, the air and especially people's hearts. They have something about them that makes you want to stop and look. Just to stare at their sparkling appearance. They hypnotize you. And to add to this magnificent view, the moon finally shines with its full strength. Well, it actually shines with Earth's reflected light but that kinda ruins what I said.
School is finally over for 2002. Sigh. Tick tock. Can't wait for this year to end…
A blank mind. It converts my state into boredom as time progresses like a virus. It does so as I write you this.
But thinking back to earlier in the day, I was going to expose a thought or two of the top of my head. Hmmm…let's see……ah yes! I was wondering how my life would be like if I never moved. Sure, I would have the friends I had as friends today and that would be great. But then again I would have never met you people. I would have never entered your lives as you have entered mine.
Finally it begins to sink back into me. The company of a good book. What I have been missing for a number of years. You know that feeling of a good book? When you begin to see what is happening in the story in your head? Scene by scene. Each description filled my mind with a rich dose of genius work. I felt a familiar state of being as I read.
I lied there. Thinking about the state of the human race in the future. So many technological advances, cures and environmental changes. But will it change for the better?
What a good day it is today! The knowledge of not being forgotten is great. And it was so early in the morning as well. It was so unexpected. But I guess I knew I had a message. ESP, I tell you. It made my day even though it hadn't even begun for me. It will be hard to bring this day down for me now. The lesson that I learned from that one moment was this: Always keep an open mind and don't give up to the point of no return. Learn it well, people. Good things do happen.
I cannot stress enough how important music can be, or how significant. Every year has music periods. Think of it as the seasons, but musically. There are about seven musical periods in a year. I'm talking about how the chart circulates. In each period, there are (normally) different sets of songs moving up or down the chart. Sometimes certain things will happen in the year and you (I do) link those events, feelings, sounds, even the weather to some of the songs that have the most impact on you at that time. If you listen, you can travel in time….
And by travelling in time, I mean by listening to a set of songs that came up during a specific period in the year. If you listen to a song that was around earlier in the year, you will begin to get those feelings that you had at that time. You understood that, right? Good.
How time passes you by surprises me. One moment you could be enjoying the summer moment in France and the next you may find yourself writing down one hundred words for the twenty third of December. Time doesn't fly. We just take it for granted….
So many complications. Violations. Intrusions. Deceit. Lies. Pollution. Cheating to get by. Impersonating. Theft. Cold hearts. Filing law-suits. Propaganda. People ignoring what is right for what is wrong. For what benefits the one making decisions. War. Fighting for stupid reasons. So many horrid things in our Home. Children suffering. Environmental disasters caused by un-natural reasons. Technological advances, some to destroy. There's abuse. Addictions in the mind of the weak. The media exploiting people's privacy. Destruction. Corruption. Starvation where it shouldn't be. Sadistic behaviour where love should be. Greed for that thing you call ‘money'. Killing to ‘make things better'.
There comes a time when you gotta say "Enough. Stop living in the past" To stop making scenarios in your head to find yourself a reason for why things happen the way they happen. To stop remembering that time when …..and when…… Know what I mean? I mean it's good to have memories but there is a limit to the amount one remembers. Before long, you may begin to day dream about crushes, situations, etc. You MAY even begin to LIVE in those situations. I should now let go. I'll make new space. Who knows, something new might happen.
The reason why I said that I couldn't wait for this year to end was because 2002 has not been a particularly excellent year for me. No, no… No, this year will go down in my books as a bad one. It has been a never ending roller-coaster of confusion that I only now somehow managed to jump off. It was a rather big fall though. I think it all began back in February. May be even earlier. As each day faced me, a state of confusion came over me thicker and thicker. No, I know what you're thinking. I'm
not gay or anything. When it came to early summer time, the "prime time" of the matter had developed. At one point I could have almost had a breakdown, if that's what you would call it. Hell I was so stupid. But anyway, on that day in June, I thought the problem would go away. It didn't. I thought that September would be a great month. It wasn't. It was all taken away from me. Why? Who knows. But there's always a bigger reason. Like I said before, EXPECTATIONS. Never expect anything. But to never expect: isn't that expecting something?
So now, to conclude this summary of the year, we might have a turn of events. She might be jealous, ladies and gentlemen. MIGHT be jealous! Now if that is the case, hmmm….well who knows what 2003 could bring, right? Hello? Oh ok, you're still here. Now, I finally told myself around mid November that all of these complications will have to escape me. Yeah that could be hard but I wasn't looking at it all correctly. I think I have seen the light. I know what to do. I just have to be strong. I now close the lid…
How does one know that something they did was meant to happen or not? Even if it was just tripping over as soon as you went passed to the right of a person I the street? If you went to the left of that person, would you have still tripped? If you knew you were going to trip and went the other way and don't trip, were you NOT meant to trip and thought you were ‘breaking' the design of your life? Or were you meant to trip and did? That's my point, you see. How does one know truth?
Funny, isn't it? Things rarely turn out the way you want it to. You plan something in your head, a scenario, how it happens in your mind. You replay it over and over. And when you think you are prepared for it, it disappoints. I find it strange that this year will be over in a few days….it feels like it has gone so fast and yet when I remember certain days in the year it seems so long ago. I wonder what the next year holds for all of us. Are we in a vulnerable position once again? Or…
We remember the last only to begin another
A time to clear the unnecessary, to make way for the new
Our chance to change our ways for the better
To make the picture clearer
To be with our loved ones
To give our love to others
To help in the times of need
To climb over the barriers
To never encounter them again
To learn from past mistakes
To never make them again
Let's make an impact. Change the world. Do something with ourselves.
Let's make our life worth every second from this year on.
Happy New Year
The Tip Jar