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I'm attempting to give up coffee. Without it, I sleep better and much more deeply - it's a nice change. Of course, I love having a hot cup of coffee next to me while I write but I suppose I can replace it with hot chocolate or something of the like.
It's the first day of March and I know that the next two weeks will fly by and then I'll be taking off. I've never taken a trip by myself. I'm a bit nervous but confident all the same.
Let the countdown begin!
I need to start writing again. It's not that I don't want to write, simply that I've hit a wall. I'm not sure how to continue with it. Ah, writer's block... Coffee used to help by putting my mind in overdrive but I've given up the wonderful, amazing beverage...what was I saying? I lost my train of thought. Today is going to be slow. I can feel it in my bones. Off topic: I wish I knew more people I respected. I wish I didn't lose respect for those I do. I wish I could stop thinking, "I wish,"
Life without coffee goes on. I'm sleeping incredibly well, though, so I guess it's worth it! I do think I'm getting a little sick, however. Just a small throat/head bug. It's annoying more than anything. Despite the sleep, being sick does make my body tired and my mind slow. I'll probably do what I did yesterday again - curl up with movies and books. I tried to write but only got a page out of my stuffy head. At least if I'm sick now, I won't be for my trip. So I'm not all that bothered. Back to the couch!
Mondays. I like Mondays. It's a crisp word on my tongue and I favor it. I like the quiet house that comes with it. These hours are mine to do with what I please and I enjoy that. I can be productive or lazy or perhaps a little bit of both.
My writing slump continues. Is it possible to have so many ideas swimming around in your head that you end up with no idea at all? I'm beginning to think that it is.
Off topic: The countdown continues. I'm excited!
This is one of the first times that I have no idea what to write about. Right now, I'm just sort of passing the time until my trip since it's coming up.
Well. Ahem. This is a first. I almost feel awkward staring at this white screen. This is like going out to dinner and realizing that you don't have enough in common with the other person. So you sit there. Quietly. Biting your lip. When will the food arrive?
There it is! Wait, I didn't order this...
I want to lose myself in something. Reading, painting, writing - something. I lack the drive to do so, however. Each time I think about doing anything, I'm hit with the sudden urge to lay down and not move. I've been staying up too late - perhaps that's the reason why.
Oddly enough, all of my dreams last night were of productivity. I was constantly doing something that needs to be done in reality - writing back to people, cleaning, etc.
Though, of course, I had also dreamed I was homecoming queen, so it doesn't mean much.
She sits and stares at the screen and taps her long fingernails against the wooden desk. A cup of hot chocolate rests next to her - not quite up to her standards but she'll humor it. For now.
A long pause of silence. Tired hands move to the keyboard then frustratingly hit, 'deletedeletedelete,'
Wrong. All wrong.
A Twizzler hangs out of the corner of her mouth like a sweet cigar as she furrows her brow. The words are somewhere - she just has to find them. They'll come to her soon.
She munches on sugared tobacco and thinks of coffee.
The last I spoke with Mrs. X, we talked a lot about the people in my life.
I can't be around constant parties. That world. I can't take a sip of that lifestyle without wanting to chug it down.
It'd destroy me.
I can't drop people (that's rude) but I can't be there like I was. I may have to drift apart from people I don't want to. Doing this may seem stupid to some but I have to keep myself safe.
This trip will show me what I have to choose to do.
It's a lot to think about.
Ever since I was little, I have had a fascination for small objects. Doll house furniture and all of the accessories was mind blowing to me. In my child-mind, I would think, "This is just like normal things...but smaller!"
So, now I get to buy travel sized things like toothpaste, etc. I love buying travel sized things. They're just so tiny.
It's wonderful and I love it, despite how odd it may make me seem.
I mean, it's a tiny container of shampoo. It's adorable and absolutely perfect.
I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to be. The closest thing to frustration is apathy so I suppose I'm trying that approach. People can be very tiring sometimes however I doubt that's going to change in my lifetime let alone other people's. So in this case, apathy is my best option. I think. Actually, I don't quite care. (See, it's working already.) What I do know is that it's too early to be up and I slept horribly. My dreams kept jolting me back into consciousness. I have a feeling that because of this, I'm going to be grumpy all day.
My trip is in four days. Then, I'll be around people who mean so much to me and frankly, I've been looking forward to it. I don't want to think about life and the future - not within these four days or my trip. There is so much to face and think about when I return but right now? I just want these days to pretend like nothing happened. That everything is normal. I'm practically begging for my mother to understand this as I'm running on four hours of sleep and she's itching for a fight. I should take a nap.
It's raining today - it hasn't rained in a long while so I'm being fairly lazy about it. Luckily, everything I have to do today requires minimal energy. I suppose it's because of this laziness, but I'm finding it difficult to think of something to write about. If I took the time, I'm sure I could think of something, but again - I'm feeling slothlike today and I'm rather enjoying it. So, no creativity in this post. I leave Thursday morning - that's coming up quick. I haven't seen these people in over three months - I'm excited, but it feels a little weird.
I leave tomorrow morning. Everything is organized and prepared. Stuff packed, alarm set - it's an OCD at its best. It's funny how fast days can pass. I remember thinking at the beginning of February, that at this moment presently I would be thinking that the wait went by in the blink of an eye. I was right - I am thinking that. Now time needs to slow down for me so this week can last. It will be nice to be around friends but first? There are some people who I am going to hug until they're blue in the face.
It's currently 7 in the morning but I'm wide awake. I suppose most people would sleep in and get ready calmly but that's not the case with me. I need to get up two hours before I leave. Even if it only takes me half an hour to get ready. Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. He keeps texting me reminders of things not to forget - I laugh only because I have anxiety and OCD; I've made lists and checked them twice. If I forget anything, it will be small. Once again...I'm so excited!
Traveling went well - I made friends with lovely people on the bus and found that I'm more capable than I believed. Once I arrived, I was met with smiles and hugs - the welcoming was warm and wonderful. And I got to hug those people who are closest to me; that was worth waiting for. The vibe in the air hasn't changed much which is refreshing. I just slid right back into the scheme of things and for the most part, it doesn't feel all that different. So far the days have been passing slowly; I'm hoping that doesn't change ha!
There's something nice about small gestures. Take the time to notice them - it's worth it. Randomly turning and falling into a hug, fingers entwining with your own, a hand against the small of your back, or even a kiss on the curve of your neck when you're thought to be asleep (but you're not so you pretend you are even if it makes you smile). Little gestures are like puzzle pieces; they make pictures whole. Picked up with a piece missing and it falls apart in your hands. It's then that you realize how much these things mean to you.
A good night's sleep and some cereal later and here I am. Writing my words in the quiet of the morning before the craze of the evening. A Patty's day party where the host is a room adorned with green decorations and clad in streamers littered with green coins. Green, green, green. There will be laughter, good friends, (soon to be) green hair, bright smiles, cupcakes, and drinking. Green and even more green. I'm not even sure what we're celebrating. What should I cheers to when I raise my glass? This moment? These people? Perhaps I'll even cheers the green.
Unfortunately, the party plans didn't go as imagined. Both K and I left to get a bite to eat but we got distracted. I don't mind these types of distractions in the least. After a long shower (I'm easily distracted), we ordered food but both of us were feeling a little lightheaded and ill. We blamed strong punch for the crime but food cured it. By then it was late so we played a computer game. Still, it was a fun day - I enjoyed it and the laughs. But now, I'm off - I'm being horribly, horribly distracted at the moment.
Ah, anxiety. Nerves. I suppose sometimes they show their face now and then - it's something I can work on. Practice makes perfect, after all, and changing how I think is the first step. Not 'I can't' but 'I can'. Patience is key and I've been given that - plenty of it. So I shouldn't worry so much. That's where being self conscious kicks my ass. I tell myself that it's alright and then I cripple myself - and over the smallest thing. Maybe this is one of those times where my ego needs to meet a new sense of confidence and empowerment.
Long days, long nights - should I go home? My mother asks me to but I want to be selfish - am selfish. And that's okay. I remember crossing the number 41 from my datebook and counting down even longer until this trip. I've looked forward to it and though I love my brother, I also know him. He doesn't need me for this stress. He's being coddled. I want to be HERE though. I don't want to give up a single day. So yes, I'm going to be selfish. Yes, I'm going to stay until my bus ticket says to leave.
Lately, I haven't bothered to get out of bed until the day is well into the afternoon. I had planned some things I wanted to do but as soon as I wake and see him lying next to me, all I can think is how awful it's going to be to sleep alone again. I suppose I'm trying to memorize this feeling - in a month I know it will be hard to remember. I want to stay longer. Foolishly, I've started to believe that if I don't let go, then time will steadily slow down. So I pull him close.
I'm choosing not to write about what I would like to. While I'm not incredibly modest, I'm still moderately so and frankly, I don't think the details need to be named. Another place, perhaps. The feeling in my gut is not entirely enjoyable. I want to shake someone by their shoulders. I want to pound my head with my fists. I'm frustrated and in return, am most likely coming off as distant. It's nothing that needs to be resolved - I guess it's just disappointing. My trip isn't ruined by it, I'm just...here's that word again...disappointed. But it's alright.
Today is my last day. It's like I never left to begin with. I'm going to get home and sulk - immature but true. I want today to last - there's so much I want to do. Outside the closed window, rain scatters like fireflies but inside, we're warm and comfortable. I think he knows that our talk two nights ago stressed me out - he's been extra sweet. I'm not used to being spoiled and never had someone pay this much attention to me. If he wasn't one of my best friends, it would bother me - but he is so it doesn't.
People at the bus station must have thought I was having a horrible day. First, I'd zone out. Then, I'd start blinking quickly. My eyes would stare at the ceiling as my jaw set hard. A sniffle, maybe, or a slow, deep breath. Clenching of hands and their slow release before zoning out once more. This set was repeated several times over and often out of the (seemingly so) blue. Now, it's continued into the evening. I can't help it. I miss my people. I miss him. Time went by quickly and I have to learn how sleep alone again.
It's quiet again. Even the air feels still. In some ways, it feels like my entire trip was one long dream but in other ways, it feels like I'm about to go back tomorrow. I miss the comfortable feeling that comes from having someone around. You don't have to speak or even acknowledge each other - just knowing that they're around is nice enough. Their presence, I suppose you could call it. Now, in this empty home, my mind is playing a rather nasty trick on me. It's convinced that this someone is going to appear at any moment. They're not.
A Quiet Breakfast - serves 1-2
Dice up one small tomato, four mushrooms, 1/6 of a green pepper, a long sigh, 1/4 of a small onion, and two small sausage links. Sprinkle with pepper and toss in a skillet that's been lightly coated with extra virgin olive oil and concerns for the future. Set to medium and stir occasionally until vegetables are tender, onions appear translucent, and worries are edible. Add three eggs, sprinkle with more pepper, some cheese, and loneliness. Then cook until done. Plate the dish.
The air is awkward. Tense; like a coiled spring about to break. Everywhere I look I see (concerns for) the future. Time is moving incredibly fast or at least it feels that way. I want to freeze reality right here; I never want to worry or think again. That's particularly overwhelming. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I'm not scared of the unknown, living, or the hardships that come with both. I'm scared that I will never start moving towards these things; to even begin to experience them. I'm in stagnent waters. Honestly, a cuddle would be nice right now.
Last night, I had strange and vivid dreams. Incredibly vivid. I didn't forget them, either, even after standing and walking for a moment just to clear my head. Some of the dreams were amusing and fun - adventures and boats, quests and excitement. Others were realistic - tending to a sick boyfriend, hanging with friends. And then the rest were...unsettling. Living in a small town that wasn't quite right and wanting to escape. Comforting a small boy after his father had tried to beat him. Boarding up windows so his father couldn't come back. My head creates strange things at night.
Last night, every dream I had was apparently funny. I say 'apparently' because I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge grin on my lips. Then, I woke again in the early morning and could not stop laughing. I don't know why I was laughing, I only remember that sleepily, I believed the thoughts in my head to be hilarious. This happens to me more than I like to admit. Some people sleep walk, others sleep talk, and others do more interesting and unique things. Me? I giggle and laugh. It does make for happy waking.
Frustration sucks. Blunt and to the point, I know, but that's how I'm feeling this morning. I get angry this time of month and extra stresses are helping to fuel that fire. It also doesn't help that my mother tends to crave fights (subconsciously, though - if you ask her about it, she'll refuse to believe that she's antagonizing anyone). All I'd like to do right now is sit down and write, maybe talk to people close to me, but basically just forget I exist for a little while. I want to clear my head. Too much stress. Frustration. Ah. Lovely.
Because it makes me happy to remember, I'm ending March with a memory: In bed, I lift the blanket up. "Come in the cave," I tell him. K's amused and joins me as I pull the blanket over our heads. We look up at the tiny specks of light breaking through the fabric; the stars. I crawl down to his waist, pause, then return and giggle; I've been spelunking. K says I'm crazy but he's smiling. I say it's cold outside and we don't have a fire in here. Cuddling close fixes this problem. A kiss. Another. We'll leave later.
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