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I will keep on writing to you until you get it: I want this to work. I don't know what "this" is. Honestly? Well, I can't tell you things in an honest way right now because I'm confused. What do I know, what if tomorrow the things I say now would become false? Do I have control over every thing? I don't. You don't. Are we on the same page? No one knows. Do I have to ask you, and if I do, what would you say. As with every thing, we won't know until we do what needs done.
I spent the day lying on the floor and memorizing the details on the ceiling. Thinking of you. Thinking of what else to do to get a job. Thinking of all those times I said something and did I mean it. There is no respite when one is bent on thinking negative thoughts. It will all spiral down into a bottomless pit. There isn't even a tear that comes out any more. I was thinking of you and I was hoping I can know how to stop thinking of you. I was going to ask for help, but just cried.
It's a cycle. You. Me. This day called Sunday. In the end it all boils down to: It is I who's hurting myself. Not you. And this is why I can't blame any one for why I wake up so goddamn tired every day. Maybe in my sleep I fight so many monsters that when I wake up my joints are complaining. There must be something I can do to stop the cycle. Maybe I already know what it is, maybe I'm just refusing to admit I do. Maybe, all of this won't matter in 5 years. I'm so tired.
I forget now whether I grew up to be this person because of how I was raised or in spite of how I was raised. The way I relate to people, treat them, react to them, I often wonder if I'm doing it right or if there is even a right or wrong way to go about these things. Who's to say? I usually feel like I'm revealing what's supposed to be a secret brain process with these words I write here. Revealing a part of myself I'm not even aware of, not even interested about, not even happy about.
There's fear of rejection. There's also fear of acceptance. Last night there was this talk, hints of longing and confusion. Nothing was resolved except for words of comfort that we can never be sure if they were meant. If they were indeed meant, will they hold true for as long as we need them to? If you treat someone a certain way, why is it that some people would say "Oh don't give any meaning to that, it might mean nothing." Why do it at all then, if it's not supposed to mean anything? What kind of questions are valid?
Bad mornings. Good mornings. Bad nights. Good nights. This girl beside me is so rude she talks to the attendant like she is a boss. Maybe she is a boss. What if I get in trouble for the things that I write? I have long held the belief that whatever I write about a certain person it should be something I can also say to that person's face. So if I wrote here that this girl is rude, it follows that I believe I can say this to her face. Anyway, what does real hunger feel like? I am curious.
It is a rainy day. I am walking from the mailbox four blocks away. I have good news with me. My blue umbrella is in symphony with the playful rain drops. I see my house now. My little brown house with the red door. The plants are drooping and it is a grey day. I like days like this. Inside, my husband is having coffee. I will open the door and he will smile at me. I am merely 5 steps away now. His teaspoon is tinkling against his cup as he stirs his coffee. It is my favorite sound.
Fridays like to gloat. What about, it's not clear. It's as if they know that many people like them. They brag about their importance, their prestige, their quality of being wanted, anticipated. They like telling the other days "Oh, people don't ever want us to end, and when we do, they can hardly wait for us to come round again." When Fridays notice someone who dislikes them, they act bad towards that person. Therefore, they also have an air of arrogance and whoever is their victim ends up hating Fridays more. Someday more people will look forward to Monday instead.
Today I felt so useless and stupid. Being jobless has its perks and disadvantages and today the negative side won. I try to be positive, put in the right amount of effort into making myself useful, trusting that it will all be okay eventually. All these months that I've been job hunting will culminate in me finally being able to buy a box of gorgeous cupcakes without feeling guilty that I am spending money that is not mine. Today was spent with family. It's weird feeling simultaneously needed and judged. I just want today to be over. Please be over.
I am trying to recall the last time I felt this powerless. And this isn't just about not having money. It's more about having a lot of time, and not knowing what to do with it. Not being able to do what I want because there are certain limitations. The things I took for granted I am now realizing should be prioritized when I get the chance to have them again. It's true what they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone. This month is shaping up to be a downer. Must steer it the other way.
There is a bird outside my window singing this sweet song every day. I am in a foul mood every day. I know it, I just have to get up and freshen up, and all those other "UPs." But I choose to believe that I am still sleepy. I often wonder, was I deprived of sleep when I was younger? Or am I really just lazy to the core? The pressure is coming from people not pressuring me. Last night I was thinking, why don't I have my own house yet? I am 31 years old. I am still floating.
You are standing by a large window, the top of which reaches the ceiling -- a good 10 feet high from your head. Your right hand is in your pocket and you are looking out at the sea. You turn to me, smile, and say, "Let's go to Maldives." Your smile is disarming, I will say yes to almost any thing you ask of me. There is a 6 pm shaft of sunset color bathing your face. You are so beautiful. Your arms tense a bit, waiting for my answer. You raise an eyebrow, I say Yes by raising mine as well.
Today you proved to be someone who's willing to forget a slight and move on with life without ever looking back. I have decided that this is a good outlook to have. It's just that today I have all these concerns that I know I shouldn't burden you with. So I just keep quiet and hope for whatever it is that will soothe these bumps that have come to reside in my thoughts. I don't know. I know. I don't care. I care. You are confusing, I am confusing. Maybe it's best to get out of this for a while.
I would like, for one whole week, to wean myself off Facebook. And eventually the whole Internet. What an entitled, insecure person I am. What a confusing, confusing time this is we're living in. One moment your head is in the clouds, the next you are googly-eyed on Facebook allowing yourself to envy other people. At the end of the day what have you got, really? The people who are in love with you, who would do every possible thing to make you okay, and what do you do? Spend your time wishing you were somewhere else. Somewhere far.
Your laughter is like the sound of chimes on a gentle, windy day. I like hearing it, I don't want it to go away, I want to hold it and ask it to stay. I want to bathe it in milk, tell it that it's special, thank it for existing. I like you. Everything about you, even the things that annoy me. I like imagining us in front of the sea: Quiet, looking out, holding hands. We will walk back to a cottage without walls, you will put your head on my legs and I will sing you a song.
I can't read minds. I am not good at hints. You have to say what you want or else no one will know. Except maybe you. There are 2 choices: keep quiet and seethe or let it out and be rid of baggage. You can hate someone inwardly, but what would that do? It will only harm you. The new Golden Rule should be: Say it as it is. Once you learn how it is to be honest with yourself, most especially with yourself, maybe there will be changes. Good ones. Changes that you didn't even once think you needed.
"10 is equal to 1." He said it matter of factly that it took me a few seconds before I could say "that's not a valid equation." He smirked and said "But who's to say it doesn't exist? Maybe it doesn't belong in this universe but in another universe, don't you think it is valid? 10 is equal to 1?" I frowned "What weak society is that?" "Oh, you've gone too far, that's micro analyzing." "No, you've gone too far. I am only willing to accept what happens to me, I don't care about the universe, let alone another universe."
Today I spent time eating and talking with two very sweet boys. Sometimes I take people for granted. When faced with either being right or being kind, I end up choosing neither and become selfish instead. People are being extra patient with and thoughtful of me lately, and I am grateful. Today we ate a hearty lunch, had really cheap but good dessert and lounged by the bayside with the pretty Ferris wheel in sight. We would like to believe we saw a UFO. We talked about dreams, reincarnation, ghosts, people we dreamt of before we actually knew them, soulmates.
It's Tuesday. This week has been fruitful so far. I just have to get past the very tedious and tiring and yet seductive and addicting habit of overthinking and I think I'll be okay. Changes will happen only if you do something different. This is to say, waiting is good but it also has its disadvantages. Today, I will say yes to every new thing that comes my way. Think of other people's welfare, not just myself. Let go of what I can't change. Keep quiet if I don't have anything good to say. Be kind, be kind, be kind.
An interesting day. Had two job interviews today. Don't know what or how to feel except maybe just be optimistic whatever the ominous signs say. There will be something out there for me, I just have to indicate to the universe what it is I really want. It's disorienting how our instincts tell us exactly what we need to know. We are just so stubborn sometimes that we give room for whatever it is that may go against what our instinct told us. Today I learned I should listen to myself more, but also be more sensitive regarding other people.
I am in a room full of chattering people. Different voices and languages. Varied emotions and nuances. If I close my eyes I can make out your voice in my head and isolate it. You will tell me of the gorgeous sunset, the wispy clouds. You will ask me to close my eyes and listen to you laugh. You will hold my attention and never let it go, I will keep my eyes closed but go on looking at you. In my head you are smiling and I will decide that that is the most beautiful thing I ever saw.
The 22nd used to mean something. Now it's just another rainy day, sleep comes easy and dreams don't make me cry. It's almost 4 years since we ended, and the scar is now just that -- a mark. I will be a little dishonest and say that it's been sunny eversince. But since I can't be dishonest for more than one minute, I will take that back and say -- it's been sad still. The kind of sadness that is final, the kind of sadness that you know can never be overcome with any kind of happiness. It kind of feels okay.
Songs that define this day: Stay - Rihanna; This Side - Nickel Creek; The A Team - Ed Sheeran. It's only 12:40 pm and it looks like it will be a long day. I like that I have friends who still prefer to spend time with me, I also like my solitude, I also like a mixture of both. I miss my Mama. I miss our old life. There's a lot I miss, I sometimes wish that these people and times I miss, miss me too. So that it will be fair. But what is fair. What is not fair? It's confusing.
Had a full day with Tiki. We drove around, had breakfast and snacks, and talked, talked, talked. I met his parents, brothers, and nephews for the first time, too. We've been friends almost 14 years and this was the first time I got to visit his home, it felt so comfortable right from the very first minute. Tiki's one of my best friends. I can tell him anything, and he can do the same with me. I know there's a long way to go but today I just want to thank the universe for making us meet in this lifetime.
I start work in a week. It was sunny and rainy today. In past experience, a rainy day bodes well. So yay. Things are falling into place. I have food in my tummy, a roof over my head, people who care for me, I have people to care for, there is ice cream and coffee within reach (also, cake) -- positive thinking can indeed come in handy. The universe, God, or a Higher Being has plans, or not. Maybe it's just me calling the shots, maybe there are no shots being called. Maybe what happens, just happens. Cake's the best bonus.
This is the best Tuesday in weeks. The past 3 Tuesdays were quite dampening. Today was too hot. Walked around the city and rode trains, ate a lot, spent a lot, thought of someone a lot, tried to sleep a lot. There's a lot to do in so little time but just now I spent almost half an hour admiring myself on Facebook. My nephew is coming this August. His "photos" are on our walls and we are so excited. I start on a new job next week. Things are looking up. Sometimes the universe listens, sometimes it's too kind.
Ask the right questions. Or donít ask at all, but never assume. If your intuition tells you something, itís still the wiser choice to confirm. I always just have to remember that even if some people can be mean and inconsiderate sometimes, that itís not the end of the world, and itís never about me. I used to remind myself, be careful who you give your name to ó be careful, too, whose name it is youíre taking. Names are risky business. You cannot trust everyone, but everyone is worthy of trust. You get my drift.
Thursday is becoming my new favorite day. Had pizza, chicken and mojos with Kuya this afternoon. Before that, we drove around QC/Manila and visited 8 churches. Before that, we had breakfast. Before that was a 12-hour sleep. I love Holy Week in Metro Manila. So few people and very light traffic. It's quieter in the house now, too. I love this particular Thursday because I woke up early and the day just doesn't seem to end.I haven't felt sleepy yet since waking up at 5:30 am (and getting up at 8am). We're watching a movie now.
Today I relearned the importance of patience and temperance. We should not give in so easily to the dictates of impulse. Anger is not the first resort, it should never be the first choice. It is hard to forgive and to move on after a perceived slight, but a smile or a friendly word can turn it all around. I like this particular Friday because I woke up and got up early (in succession, hoozah!), cleaned the house a bit, had a proper lunch. It's 5:38 pm and I've had two cups of coffee already. It is all good.
Kuya treated me to dinner and a movie tonight. We laughed and cried a lot in the cinema, too many scenes and lines that hit so close to home. Dinner was pizza, pasta and cheesecake. Strolled a little and was so amused at how spacious the mall was. I'm grateful I get to spend these moments with Kuya now that he's about to go away to be with his family. I'm sure years from now when I chance upon a John Lloyd Cruz-Sarah Geronimo movie, I will be reminded of how sweet my Kuya is and I will smile.
Got good news from a friend today. "Reuse the past and recycle the present for a better future," or something like that -- saw this on a T-shirt just this afternoon. Bought Zadie Smith's "On Beauty" as reward for myself for being functional in the past few days. It's quite frustrating how I can be stupid and wrong sometimes but the secret is to not listen to what that T-shirt says, because it only pertains to garbage. It's good to do that for Mother Earth, yes, but for the self? What works is move on, move on, move on.
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