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This Monday is a gentle one. EDSA traffic was merciful. Fastfoods were spacious. People were just chill. Maybe many are still on vacation. Wore a flower-print dress and striped cardigan today, and strappy sandals with polka dots. I figured, go all out with the prints today as it is bound to be a good day. It was, indeed. Just waiting for sleep now, tomorrow's another full day. I can get used to this. I just have to recover from this fever that keeps on about to happen. Cough medicine and teddy bear-print band aids are helping a lot.
Early start today. Opened a bank account at 9am, had lunch with Vanny. Chatted for a couple of hours, which was so fun. We had buffalo wings and pizza. Got to the office at 3pm. Made new friends. Met new people. Then Kuya picked me up. Was home by 9:30pm. Now waiting for sleep again. This particular Tuesday has exerted extra effort to remind me why it's my favorite day. I am still headachy and feverish though, but it's all good. Yesterday I was overly anti-social, I realized today talking to other people isn't so bad after all.
I'm picturing your "shy face" now. You have this smile showing no teeth. Your cheeks are balled like little red apples and your eyes are mischievous. It's like the things going on in your head are colorful, cute, giggly choo choo trains making their way to a pristine, green lake where a petite fairy is waiting for them with cupcakes in her hands. I'm smiling right now, thinking about it. I think about you all the time, I wish you'd feel it. But then again no, it might scare you. I miss you, I'd like to hug you tight someday.
First day in ages that I could sleep in! Hoozah! At work it was quite sobering and unsettling, in other words, it was not quite a good day. Only the fourth day and I'm having these "I can't wait to go home please" thoughts. Got worried over someone, good thing it was resolved. What did I get myself into? I have to keep trusting my reasons. And actually remember what they are. Starbucks 6750 is pretty nowadays. Got home to a quiet house. Sleep came a couple of hours after lying down. Have to eat fewer food now pretty please.
It's becoming a habit. You. Waking and sleeping, it's you. It's true when I say: All I think about is you. Thing is, I'm a coward. Sometimes I think I choose to be brave in all the wrong situations and choose to be a coward in all the wrong ones, too. I choose you, I'd gladly choose you over anyone right at this moment. You make me laugh, you annoy me, you ignore me, you have a way that's so confusing. I have so much I want to learn about you. And your voice, I don't know where to begin.
It's Saturday again. I woke up thinking of you and trying to not think of you. Believe me, it's getting easier now. So easy, in fact, that I can revert to un-trying because I know I can try as easily again. It's become an autopilot act that it's now losing sense. A friend told me to "Go for the kill." He said this in response to my question "How do I tell him the things I want to tell him without revealing my feelings?" Which is kind of a stupid question, yeah? My friend's right, of course. Kill it.
Earlier today I thought of starting a story here. A story about you and I, and the us that is maybe happening or not. It is a journey, yes? But because I am forgetful, all I can remember now is that I wanted to start a story. A make-believe world where I was able to tell you what's in my heart, where you answered in the affirmative and where our lips met. Where I giggle every time you sing, where the clouds are purple all day and the birds don't tire of singing. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember its entirety.
Nuts. Some leafy vegetable. Seaweed thingy. Caramel cake. Kani salad. Oatmeal cookie. Kornets cheese. Goya raisins and nuts chocolate bar. 2 cups coffee. Lots of water. Sixth day at new job now. Wrote 4 stories in almost 3 hours. Talked to editors for most of the day. Training and practice writing. It was more of "talked at." Not complaining though. I just want maybe to be free of this dread of having to talk on the telephone in English. Also, I want to stop missing you. I want to be able to function for 5 minutes without thinking of you.
Tortillos. Ensaymada. Saba. Kamote. Tapa. Egg. Beef rice bowl. Some noodles. A piece of tofu. Pandesal. This Tuesday was both kind and harsh, also, lonely. I have to stop caring about what other people say. Just think about what really matters (which is what?) and focus on that. Today was also good because when I got home there was a bag of chips and an ensaymada on my desk with a note from Kuya. Bus ride home was quite haggard but talks with friends today were quite uplifting so yay. Worked on a 3-sentence news story for an hour.
Spicy pork. Fish crackers. Spoilt kamote. 2 cups coffee. Chicken. Sour pork stew. Wrote 1 story in 4 hours. Didn't know that I wasn't able to route it to be edited. Went home feeling semi-giddy as it's mid-week already. Random spurts of optimism kept me afloat today. I can actually get used to this seesaw of emotion. Each and every newness becomes familiar eventually. Savor what's here now, even the bad. I'm pretty sure sometimes we miss the bad stuff, too, because that's when we were really feeling and living our being human. Our cracks define us sometimes.
Longganiza, egg, rice. Sandwich. 2 cups coffee. Thet treated me to a Sunrise frap at Coffee Bean. Had a nice catchup with her. Always a fun time with Thet, even though sometimes I become too honest with her and I say kind-of-bad things about people. Wrote 5 really short stories today in about 6 hours. Spent almost 2 hours on a 3-sentence write-up. Pshaw. Things will get better. And hey, you, I'm not forgetting you. I like how you can make me laugh a real laugh. Thank you for that. I wish someday you can know.
As much as I love weekends now, I can't ignore the fact that they are quite harsh reminders that you and I are not going to go any further. This is it. Plateau. I keep deciding to stop obsessing about you but I keep reverting to doing just that. It's been more than a year since "this" began and I just hope that tomorrow when I wake up it will all feel better. At work today: I am so slow to understand what should be such basic stuff. Or maybe I am being hard on myself. I hope Monday cancels.
I don't know what kind of person you are. I'm tired. I don't have time for this. I'd rather spend time with a real person face to face than hope to get affirmation in the manner that you seem to be comfortable with. I know where I stand, I don't know why I keep trying to be part of your world when it's clear that you're all set with the people in yours. I don't know why you treat people like you do, I want to say I'm done trying to understand you. I hope tomorrow I remember to forget.
I've said here more than I was supposed to say or allowed myself to say. I guess tonight I've done something I would think back to in the coming days and wish I hadn't done it, but since it's now over and done with all I can do is accept that it's there, it happened and just live my life and not care about things that shouldn't even matter this much. I'm tired of always talking about myself. It's been that way in the past 2 months, I guess. Maybe it's time attention is given to more important matters now.
It is never night here. There is no sun, only an orange dog-like creature in the sky that patiently looks down on the people below. How do we know that it even "looks"? Does it have eyes? Some say that it does. Sometimes it opens its eyes, all eight of them and sheds tears, for what reason, nobody knows. It rains then, but the bright orange light stays the same. It doesn't waver neither does it intensify. It is never night here. People do not sleep. They are always waiting for rain, and they always wish for more eyes.
God created Tuesday with care. He put all colors in it, but did it in a way that pink and yellow will surface each time and make every thing sweet and sunshiny. The other colors are there for support, they will help out whenever pink and yellow become too busy with making people feel good and grateful that it's Tuesday. The littlest yet most important and valuable events happen on Tuesday. A fleeting feeling of love, perhaps, so strange that it causes the heart to change its pattern. So strong and yet so subtle, so heavy and yet so freeing.
This summer is intense yellow. Angry yellow. It's only April and there is promise of more heat. The bright side of it is that laundry dries up fast and clean, everything looks so white at 10am, therefore for someone who's particularly keen on gloomy days, it comes as an arrogant gesture -- but welcome nonetheless. There seems to be a conversation ongoing at 10am with that blinding white light going on outside. Wake up, it says. Get up. Rain is coming, but now that it's not here yet, why not be happy with what I'm giving you right now? Why not?
Today kissed me, wetly and loudly. The happy feeling didn't leave. It built a fort in the middle of my living room and lit a fire, it turned on its radio and listened languidly to slow songs. Danced to fast ones when it wanted to. All this time I was looking at it, puzzled, what have I done to deserve a today that is so cheery and chill? It was waiting for me to smile, and when I did it rushed to lift me off my feet, hugged me tight and planted a wet sloppy kiss on my right cheek.
It's an unknown feeling. It only makes itself known to people who are willing to sit down and chat with it for more than an hour. 60 minutes is a long time to talk. It might get boring or it might get really intense, depending on who the participants are. But this thing, this unknown thing, it wants only one thing -- for people to stop calling it a "thing." It has a name, stop calling it "it," while you're at it. Its name starts with all the letters you can think of, it likes being a secret and a revelation.
You don't know until you know. There is a scarcity of words in the past few days. There is an abundance of feelings though, of veiled words that were put out there to be digested and received/rejected. Long talks are gold. Silences are okay, too. Sometimes silences are better. More is said, more is felt. Words help, too, of course. Because sometimes we have to define things for clarity, so that everyone is on the same page. And if they're not, then it's not the end of the world. If you ask, don't always expect an answer. You can't.
What I tell people about you: I like you, I like your voice, you make me laugh, you ignore me sometimes, you don't know all these but I want to tell you and I think you will understand but I'm too afraid, you are unpredictable, I like a lot of what you say, I like how you think, you annoy me, you are so mean sometimes, you're funny, you are the first and last person I think about in a day, you are a rainbow, the sunshine, most-awaited rain, quiet moonbeam, sweet breeze. What I actually tell you: Nothing.
I'm wolfing down a bag of chips right now because I think I
it. Monday at work was quite toxic. Wore a skirt today because I wanted to feel girly, dainty and all that -- ended up cursing inwardly for most of the workday. Kept thinking of possible good things that may happen at the end of the shift, which helped a bit. Now I'm reminded how you are so far away that it's likely you won't even remember my name 5 years from now. You will see me and keep on walking. These chips are my liquor.
Know what's good about this summer? The bougainvilleas! How they are so showy and gregarious, you pass by a street and there they are: orange, pink, red, purple and white, drooping overhead as if waiting to shower themselves on you, or sing to you. It almost seems like they can amplify their colors if you ask them to. What I like about this summer is the anticipation of rain, then when it comes, we wish for dryness. We wish for what we don't have. What I like about this summer is that it teaches me to appreciate what is there.
Here I am again counting the days. Counting up or down, I don't know anymore. I told a friend last night, I wish it was Christmas already -- or the end of the world. Not in the morbid sense, but just to say that it's tiring sometimes and maybe where we're going after our stay on Earth -- heaven? hell? somewhere? -- is better than what this life has to offer. That thought lasted for 5 seconds, and then I look at my surroundings and decide that it's not bad after all, this life's good. You can find happiness where you put it.
There was a time when I could play both sides of a cassette tape and have the discipline to listen to one artist at a time. There was a time when I sat down to eat a meal and not text at the same time. There was a time when I could stay on one channel for hours and hours. There was a time when I would lay down and find sleep in a matter of minutes. There was a time when we were younger and things were much simpler. There was a time when I didn't love you yet.
I keep to myself all the important things we share. They're all here inside, like treasures I can call on whenever there is a gray day. It's almost overflowing now, this bin of Happythoughts I hold so dear. When I look at you there is music in my head, it takes control of my lips that they curl up into a smile and there is nothing I can do but be happy, be happy, be happy. Have you ever felt an uncontrollable happiness? How do you like it? I feel it when with you, I feel it even without you.
At noon today I was still in bed, contemplating if I should sleep the day away. I should be grateful there are still days like today when I can just lie down and do nothing. Now it's almost 5pm and so far I've: managed to haul my ass off the bed (or futon, in this case), eaten lunch, done my laundry, sent off a freelance job application, set some meetups in the coming days, taken a bath, cleaned the bathroom and my room. I'm now eating Chippy. Five hours after waking. I feel like I can do more, be more.
This is a story that can be told in three days. This is Day One: Today I woke up and thought -- "What a beautiful sunny Sunday." I dreamt of my father giving a speech in a graduation ceremony involving an all-girl contingent. By the side of the stage I was hurriedly giving him the outline -- intro (say something funny!), body, conclusion. He was nodding. I didn't get to finish the dream but I somehow knew it all went well. Then I properly woke up and saw my window and how yellow-white it was outside. Well, hello there, gorgeous.
Day Two: Finished a rough draft for Pa's baccalaureate speech on Thursday. Got my almost-seven-year-old (busted) laptop to work, for how long this time I am really interested to know. In exchange, the universe rendered useless the notebook that Kuya lent me. Screen is black. Pshaw. Kuya picked me up from work and on the way home we acquired some liquor and barbecue. He's into semi-celebration mode as it's his last day at work tomorrow. On the drive home he told me about the farewell lunch his boss gave him. Felt good to hear him smile.
Day Three: All those years must have meant something
the time they were being lived. But now it's so easy to say "Let's not talk about that, it's irrelevant now." I am trying my hardest to understand that it is not an affront to me as a person if someone chooses to
anymore. Things happen. Years ago someone told me to not take things personally; then someone else said the opposite; someone else said "to hell with it." Maybe it's true: there is no beginning and ending -- there are only the in-betweens.
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