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I did something last night that I realized just now I have done in the past three jobs during July. It was stupid and ill-advised, really. But I had to do it and now I will scamper again towards steady ground because if i don't do it asap, the sky will fall. I exaggerate. Or maybe not. It's almost two weeks since Kuya left and Brysen is almost a week-old. Something new is going on which is also something old. I am optimistic about this month. It's all going to be okay. I'm not sure but it's okay.
You look at me and just that split second had the capacity to bury a dagger in my heart. I could see in your eyes how much you want this to work, and I know you saw in mine how much I want to run away, now. The slightest sign of attachment and I run. How can we make people stay? This is not a problem of mine, I have learned, because my goal is always -- how to leave as soon as possible, as soon as people need me, as soon as we know each other a little too well.
Two weeks ago Kuya descended our stairs for the last time in who-knows-how-many-years. I was standing by the sofa, hair all sticky and smelly because I was running a fever. Kuya was audibly sniffling while descending and it all happened so fast the next thing I knew he was hugging me and saying goodbye, and all I could muster was, "We'll still see each other." I walked him to the front door and later on that day I realized I did not even look him in the eye to say a proper goodbye. I miss him.
It's only August and here I am all giddy for September. I love the cold months! Right now I must say that things are so vague and precarious and I sense that later on this month I will be all worrisome and immobile or a combination, which is to say, lying in bed thinking of how to survive the day and then not doing anything. But that is just me underestimating myself. I must stop doing that, yeah? So okay, I am declaring that the next weeks are going to be fruitful and everything is going to be magnificently okay.
I'm alternately deciding between not thinking of you and thinking of you. There are 548 different versions of this question in my head: Why are we not talking anymore? Also, have I ever been mean to you? I hope not. I am afraid (as usual) to make the first move because you have pushed me away too many times before. If only it's our default to do the right things, yeah? But who says what is right or wrong? It's different with everyone. I have a new crush at the office but I don't know his name. Better that way.
Last night after getting off the bus at Crossing I cried. There are many reasons, one of them: I told the driver and conductor to stop at the overpass but neither of them heard or acknowledged me so I had to get off at the next stop which had me walking back to the overpass for a good 5 minutes while crying. It just hit me, no one listens! But that's the overacting version. The truth is: I miss you. I wish we can talk, I wish we can see each other again, I wish to know what to do.
I forget now when this happened, but it just hit me: Things are actually going well. If I look at the positive side of it all, God, my life is so insanely wonderful. If I think of other people who are suffering and who seem to not find hope anymore, I realize that I have it all easy and breezy. I feel so ashamed now, being so whiny and sad and afraid, when all I had to do was look at the bright side and realize that even during the darkest times, something shines through that makes it all better.
I read this somewhere: The importance of failure. Also, Hugh Laurie said something about winning not helping you learn anything. Whereas if you lose -- you get the drift. I want one whole month of series-time, House, Dexter, HIMYM, Big Bang Theory, Friends, Homeland, Game of Thrones. I want to watch a lot. I also want...hmmm, stopping with the wants now. what I really like to tell you today is it's been good vibes at work lately, every day I realize why I made the choices I made. So. I have to get off my butt now and panic.
Friday! Trust your reasons. I always tell myself this whenever I doubt something I have just done. Also, will this matter five years from now? Walk away if it won't. But who knows for sure? Sometimes all we have is intuition. By tomorrow my nephew, Brysen, is two weeks old. Kuya will have been in Guam for three weeks. I am counting the days again but this time it's the good kind of counting. See, before, when things were not so good I used to count how many months have passed since I was last happy. But now it's different.
Songs for today: Somewhere Only We Know, Bedshaped, Your Smiling Face. I want to watch The Lake House again. But first things first. Be kind, be patient, be understanding, be compassionate. These need reminding because have you noticed that it's mostly the negative stuff that we do by reflex? Criticize, complain, see the bad. These are all choices and we can't just say, "It happened, what could I do?" You can control everything. Okay, maybe not, but feeling is deciding. I need to always remind myself, people are so good to you, pay it forward and be good to others.
Skyped on my own for the first time today! Haha. Kuya's been in Guam for three weeks and it's only now that I figured out how to make this work. So. Internet. I have got to learn more about these video call thingies and Viber and such. I must admit the most I know of Internet communication is email and Facebook. You must know I only learned how to use Yahoo! Messenger when it was already 45 years in existence. You get the drift. Brysen was sleeping while Kuya and I were talking. Hopefully tomorrow he'll be up and about!
I am trying to hold on to here, now. I always worry that something, someone is going to go away and that time will not be enough and that I will look back and realize I have wasted so many hours being nothing to someone, waiting for the perfect moment, believing that there is enough time. Move on, forward, don't look back. But what if we can look back and change what happened or did not happen? What if? Maybe the questions should be: Why not? Why not now? Why not me? I wish we did not have to sleep.
Today: I will bottle sunlight and pocket rainfall. I will journey through five mountains, swing from tree to tree, ride clouds and sweet-talk birds to take me to you. I will place my offerings at your feet and wish, as I have always done, that you will smile at me and say: "But it’s you I have always wanted. I appreciate sunlight and rainfall, but your presence is all I have ever wanted." My heart will be glad. I will put flowers on your hair and sing you a song. We will dance and the world will disappear.
Dear San Francisco: I miss you. The slightest reminder of you sends me into a trance, in a matter of seconds I am surrounded by fog and my nose feels like it's about to fall off because of too much cold. But it's a good feeling. I like the memories I have of you, especially my long walks through Market and Haight Streets. The train ride to and from Alameda, the anticipation of stepping on your streets, then walking home to Pacific Avenue -- being on the other side of the bay, knowing you are just less than an hour away.
I like this disposition, of not bothering whether or not you messaged me, of not allowing sadness or expectation dictate how I look at you, which is: as someone I still undeniably like so much. There are drama days, sure, when I would "decide" to let go of this "feeling" and move on with my life without hoping that someday you will notice me. I've said before that feelings can be decided, but I find that true feelings, those that seem to decide on their own to reside in our life for however long they like – they can't be controlled.
Someday I'll look back on this year and know that the one thing I really liked about you is your voice. Then, your laughter, your smell, your smile, knowing that you are there. We don't need to talk, really, I like just having you near. Is that a bad or good thing? When we get to talk, though, everything else disappears, too, because I get lost in your voice, haha. Kidding aside, I like how you are smart and sharp, analytical and vast, humorous, chummy and deep. All this to say, I like this time of my life with you.
My father cooks good food. Live in our house for a couple of days and you will know what I mean. The other week, I came home to sumptuous pork ribs with some sort of honey-barbecue sauce and I knew my life was never going to be the same. I'm not exaggerating. Even his fried rice is something to watch out for. I don't know how he does it, really. He spends a few minutes in the kitchen and churns out the best kind of food every day. My resolve to lose weight is hopeless. And I'm not complaining.
Skyped with Kuya, Anne and Brysen today! The little boy was smiling in his sleep. So cute! Rainy Sunday today, Caleb's second birthday at San Andres. Too much good food! Chicken lollipops, lumpia, beef (pork) steak, red spaghetti, garlic bread, ham and tapioca with langka mmmm. Overall, this weekend was loads of fun. Had too much dessert yesterday with Tristan and Norly at this nifty spot in Banawe, Love Desserts. Food coma! I fell asleep when I got home -- from so much food. Then when I woke up there was Papa's pata tim. So good it's haunting me until now.
Still raining, TS Maring wreaking havoc. Two-week countdown to a new chapter begins today. Somehow all this gloom is translating into good vibes for me because there is so much positivity in store for the coming days. There's also an unbelievable amount of uncertainty, foremost of them regarding my ability to support myself financially after two weeks. But I am strangely relaxed and I don't know where this buoyancy is coming from. It's freaking me out but also gives me just enough belief that, yes, everything is going to be okay. Next week my nephew is one month old!
My favorite day! I can't stop writing love letters in my head for you. I can't stop wanting to be beside you all the time, to know what you're up to, to hear your voice or catch a glimpse of your eyes. I am infinitely smitten by you, I hope the day will come when this becomes bearable because as it is, well, it's destroying all my resolve to focus on stuff I should be focusing on. Not that it's a bad thing, what I'm trying to say is, plain and simple, you are in my mind all the time.
Things I am relearning the past few weeks: Humility, patience (lots of it), quiet assertion, knowing what you want and not being ashamed to ask for it, honesty, compassion, deep understanding, showing up, showing up, showing up. Arrogance doesn't suit me. I realized, in my wanting to be taken a little more seriously, I've taken to projecting an aura that is so unlike me and I feel it when people see through me -- the real soft-spoken and meek me. In the past, being honest and less money-oriented has helped me more than this stance I am assuming now.
Kuya's been in Guam for a month. Brysen is almost one-month old. It's almost a year since I left for California. Ma's been there four years now; Pa's been home as long. Byron's 27 in 2 months. Today's Lola's 11th death anniversary. It's almost 11 years since I left my first job. It's almost a year that I've been looking at you and wanting to tell you that I choose you. I'm 32 years old in less than 3 months. The world is how many years old and what are we doing with the time that we are given.
Sun is shining! A bit shy, still, but it's peeking through! Met some really nice recruitment people today and I just want to send it out to the universe that there are these three girls who are extra nice and helpful and I hope in some way their kindness will come back to them. Seven days and I am looking down at a bottomless pit again unless I manage to figure out a way by next week on how to navigate this ocean I put myself in. For now, I'm thinking of what cake to buy for Brysen's first month.
One week to go and -- major change. I'm stumped as to what I should do to get through this. Five years from now I will look back on this exact day and hopefully laugh at myself for the irresponsible optimism and chronic laziness and impatience I seem to be afflicted with. When will I ever get over these flaws? Anyway, I am excited for five years from now. For now though, I need money, lots of money, I think I may have made that super clear to some people and resulted in me seeming like a crazy money-motivated person.
"Do you have questions?" "None." Pfft. Why don't I ever have questions? Does this mean I am not interested, I am not present, I was not listening, I will take in what is given to me? I don't know what I want? Now I have questions, and no one can answer them but me. Here I am just my brain for the questions I should have asked, reactions I should have immediately made known, answers I should have been able to readily give. But I'm an empty vessel and I am just waiting for everyone to get bored of me.
I need to stop beating myself over things I have no control over. Just now I was thinking of all those times I dissed people and said bad things about them just so I can feel good about myself. Back then I thought it'd make me seem a better person if I found fault in other people and pointed it out. What I only really succeeded in achieving is revealing my poor character. It needs constant effort to refrain from saying or even thinking bad things about other people. It's supposed to develop into a habit, be kind, be kind.
Today I remembered the last time I saw my grandaunt before she died. This was 2004. We have no way of knowing when someone will leave, when the last moment or chance would be to spend together, what words should be spoken, what should be done, because we can't know these things. So if someone dies tomorrow, and you spent your last moment with that person in a way that you thought was not so loving, would you let it haunt you for the rest of your life? Or would you just choose to believe you can have another chance?
I am almost 32 years old. How many times have I reminded myself this in the past few weeks? I am losing count. We need someone to believe in us, really believe in us in a way that we physically feel that trust, that belief, that fierce form of love that just courses through you like warm blood. There are people who have that capacity, yes? To communicate a certain kind of connection that just makes almost every thing so bearable and that which reminds you we are all here temporarily -- so might as well go out and live unabashedly.
Thursday. This is why I love you: You give me clarity, you help me decide on stuff a little more quicker, with a little more care, with a little more bravery. Dear Thursday, here is what you taught me today -- be honest. To be honest is the easiest thing to do in the world, the most liberating, the most loving. Also, be patient, bite your tongue when unsure, wait a bit more, practice kindness. Choose gentle words, choose love, choose what is good, choose what will make people feel better. Dear Thursday, I am so glad you exist. Thank you.
Hey, Friday. I think today I will decide to think of this boy in this way: Someone who is there, just there. No expectations, no nothing. Do not change anyone, they say. Do not expect, do not be entitled, let go of that ego. I have to be certain that what I feel for him is sincere and not borne of some selfish motivation to be loved and given attention. I think about him all the time but is that a good yardstick of love. No? I agree. Thinking is different from doing but I digress. He is so beautiful.
So I was saying: He is so beautiful. I am tempted to detail every single thing I like about him, even stuff that are quite annoying endear him to me. I wish one day for the guts to confront this or maybe walk away from it? I am open to walking away from it because as it is 100% possible that this may go somewhere, the same is true for it going nowhere. Even the surest things on Earth can change. And so, hey Saturday, you used to be a day that was so dark for me but not anymore.
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