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She stood in front of the church, breathless from running. Armpits heavy with sweat, blouse soaked, heart defeated. He's not there. Was she too late? Tears mixed with sweat and she couldn't remember any other day when she felt more horrible. She looked at her trembling hands and exhaled so loudly that the man peddling cartoon character balloons took notice and started to come towards her. She saw this hesitation and it made her feel more miserable. Her greatest love did not come to their intended meeting place. And some people still think twice when it comes to showing kindness.
Some people exert extra effort to block their feelings, be it good or bad. I want to learn how to do that, seeing that I'm one to always feel things. Some people turn away when you want to talk, and you shouldn't take it personally. In 2009, somebody told me that I take everything personally. I took it as an affront and sulked for days. I was 28 in 2009, very immature in retrospect. I thought then that I was already grown up. I believe that I'm all grown up now. Maybe in four years I'll find out I'm wrong?
If I were being pessimistic, this is what I would put out to the universe: I'll probably grow old to be a morose single woman who's scared of moving vehicles and even the pedestrian lane, who will doubt the safety and honesty of everything, who will end up choosing to stay in the house and have her food delivered for the rest of her life. If I were being optimistic, I would say I would marry, have two kids, vacation in Baguio four times a year, drink hot chocolate with my kids every night and sleep soundly all the time.
Please try this for today: Do something new and for the love of God, DO NOT TELL THE INTERNET ABOUT IT. Have dinner with your best friend. Drive around your neighborhood and stop at all the stop signs, do a full stop, not a rolling stop. Be a responsible person, pick up your garbage. Hug your father. Treat your brother to ice cream and pizza. Take a photo of yourself. Do things, go places, talk to people, spend time with someone. And please keep it to yourself. Lay in bed knowing that you did things and kept them privately yours.
For 2014 I wish for focus. An intense kind of focus. I wish to stop wishing and to start moving instead. Just do it instead of talking about it. I also want to stop saying bad things about other people, especially when they aren't present to defend themselves. While I'm at it, I also want to stop overthinking everything, stop overanalyzing things, stop caring too much. I've lost people either because I said too much or said too little, done too much or done too little. I want to find the middle ground and be able to stick to it.
Facebook isn't such a good place for me these days. I'm sure it's a nice place for most people, especially those whose loved ones are far away. There's the telephone though, and snail mail, and sometimes I just wish for the yesteryears when the way we communicated didn't include the Internet. It's becoming such an annoying sight, people looking only at their cellphones, while walking. A couple having dinner, both busy with their gadgets. It's meddling, I know, but God, just, sometimes I wish for one day, just one day, when everyone looked each other in the eye while talking.
She has a dancer's body. Toned, soft and elegantly taut. Her long neck often leaves him speechless. Whenever they go out, he finds himself staring at her neck, her long hair cascading over her shoulders. Her laughter has the sound of stars and her smell reminds him of the sky. Her voice can soothe him and the way she looks at him shyly has the ability to stop the clock. One hour with her feels like forever, time is always stopping, and when they touch, the electricity jolts him in a way that he knows he can never recover from.
It's quite a challenge to memorize which day of the week the roads are friendly. To keep in mind which part of a certain road is the safest and the most dangerous. To always remember that anything can change. Thus, be on the lookout all the time. All the things you memorize really has no bearing because every minute something changes. If you go out the house today, drive to work and get there safely, don't be so complacent that tomorrow it will be the same. This is how life is confusing, because they also say, have faith, think positive.
I hope I can know what to do during times someone is treating me shabbily. The right thing to do, of course, is shrug it off, walk away from that person and just not care. Sometimes though it's infuriating how some people think it's okay to treat people like shit. This is my problem though, because I can always walk away, right? I think the thing that riles me up is the fact that I subjected myself willingly to that treatment and I resent myself for that. The lesson here is to avoid people who are so full of themselves.
Also, stay away from people who do things they don't really want to do. This is a form of lying, and you don't want to be associated with a liar. Liars are black creatures who only think of themselves. I sound so final about this but the truth is, I'm a liar, too, and I can justify that by saying that I lie to avoid hurting the people I love. But that is 99% bullcrap, right? The bottomline is that we should stop justifying our actions and just go out and say, hey this is me and I am crap.
Not that you're trying to trivialize your shortcomings by way of self-deprecation. It's also not because you're trying to lighten things up by presenting them as funny or pedestrian. Our bad qualities are what make us who we are. I'm not saying be proud of them, just please keep trying not to hurt the people you love and who love you? Keep on being you, by all means, go on and be your mean, sad, selfish self, but please do not foist your meanness on someone who's just standing there, trying to love you and be there for you.
Another goal for 2014: Aside from doing more, I also want to say less. I mean, have it become a conscious effort to shut it. Just shut it. And be. Just be. Not care about other people and not comment too much on matters that aren't my business. Whenever I get to talk to someone, I want to just focus on that person, how to help that person, and less and less and eventually zero caring about my goddamn perceived problems. I want to stop whining. Calling people because I need to talk. I want to shut the fuck up.
Also, I want to put into action the things that I write. Because I would no better than a preacher who doesn't walk the talk if I go on writing these things and be so damn righteous about life. I must admit that I feel so superior because I get to think of these things, I feel superior for about a minute and then go back to feeling ashamed for saying too much and doing so little. I'm only really going to finish this month and stop there. I don't know if I can really stop? I should really try.
If I'm being pessimistic, I gotta say that 2013 had been a year of bad decisions, being a bad judge of character, fraternizing with people I should really let go by now, eating too much and whining too much. If I'm being positive, I'd say 2013 had been a year of trying and trying to get better, not giving up on difficult people, being extra compassionate to understand why some people are being mean, eating out too much with the right people and finding out ways to go through the rough patches. I think I'd stick with the positive tack.
Sometimes of course you have to decide to let go of the difficult people. Look into yourself, too. Maybe you're also being an ass? The world does not revolve around you and you should learn to talk about other things aside from yourself. Your daily travails as a very intelligent and in-demand friend / lover / employee are not such interesting things to hear about on an hourly basis. Okay, I'm over-reacting and being mean and unreasonable. I can just walk away, yeah? I'll walk away now so please don't follow me. This is a kindness. Please be kind, too.
There really isn't anything interesting that has happened lately and why can't I stop talking about myself. Last thing on this topic: For 2014 I want to remember all the bad stuff that happened in the past five or so years and echo what my friend said about surviving the years before that, intact, not needing the people who would eventually come into my life and cause harm (or who I would allow to harm me, depends really how one would look at it). Life from now on, yesterday is done so note to self: Move the fuck on, kid.
"Just don't say it if you don't mean it." "Why, cause it makes me an asshole?" "Yes it makes you an asshole." "Some people are 100% honest, and they deserve 100% honesty, they don't need assholes like you who only come to the people they don't even honestly like because they want to feel better about themselves. Go get a goddamn pizza if you want to feel good, don't treat people like they're things." "Whoa. That's harsh." "You lying to a person who's honest to you is harsh." "Fine." "Someone had to tell you that." "I needed to hear that?"
"You needed to hear that, just in case you don't know about this yet: People deserve to be treated good, even the bad ones. There's no excuse for you to act all high and mighty and untouchable." "Go on." "All it really succeeds to prove is your insecurity and your lack of trust in people." "You're making sense." "Don't patronize me." "I'm not." "You are." "Fine." "See? You've lied in the last few sentences already and you didn't even blink an eye, it's become too normal for you." "Huh." "Why not try to tell the truth instead, make it automatic."
Love is a wretched thing. If it was an object that people can hold, it will be red and spiky, hard and unwieldy, heavy and floaty at the same time. It will be something that you would want to have for yourself but the moment you get a hold of it you would wish to be rid of it. This sounds bitter, yeah? Maybe it is. The thing is, to force love is to induce pain on yourself. If you let it be and just sit there, and go on with your life, love can be such a good thing.
I had to ask. I had to know for sure. You know how you have to do the things you have to do? You know how things are not making any sense until you do that thing that you are itching to do? And then when you finally get to do them, some things still don't make sense? You know how you want so much to call a person and yet you're afraid that you will be met with an infinite ringing sound and no one picking up? You're afraid of both pain and whatever the opposite of pain is.
He lay in bed and wished for the ceiling to fall on him and for everything in the here, now, to just end. For a new day to come in which all the black things are forgotten. He would not remember the black things, of course, and that's what got him to sit up. Because, not remembering the black things means also forgetting about the good things that went on before they became black. This is how memory betrays us. They are good and then they are bad. And there's no one particular memory you are willing to let go.
This year brought so many good memories, sure. The last quarter had been a mix of good and bad and it's all in how one would choose to look at it. Because the bad things can be turned into good ones, the secret is not to put blame on other people for the way one is feeling. Blame is the beginning of hatred and hatred should never be part of your life. There should be an active conscious effort to fight blame and bitterness, and just look at things this way: They were meant to happen that's why they happened.
Focus, discipline. Focus, discipline. Stay on one thing, stay on one thing. She kept repeating these things in front of the mirror. Her eyes spewed shrapnels and her face spoke of war. Every person has a different way of dealing with life, and it's not our business to judge them or meddle or even look their way. Our business is to tend to our own life. All distractions should be blocked. Focus, discipline. Focus, discipline. Stay on one thing, stay on one thing. To start with, why not focus your discipline on this one thing: One day at a time.
The truth? Christmastime sucks. Family and food is good but the truth is it only makes people artificially happy and that's not such a good thing. I sound so negative so okay, here, hear me out on this one thing: If Christmastime did not exist, which time of the year would people be this generous and kind? Will they even think of such a time? Do you think they can stop being such arrogant, self-absorbed human beings and take stock of their lives and know what really matters? I sound so negative. I like Christmastime, just not the artificiality.
Slept the day away. Tiki's birthday today. Last night was a little sobering a loads of fun. As always. For Christmas 2014 I wish to be able to drive my family to Sucat and not be this scared person who dodges trucks and buses in her sleep and wakes up being more scared than she ever was. It's hard, life. So dramatic. Anyway. Merry Christmas, Internet. I wish for this year to just be over. I'm thankful for all the new people and new experiences, the nice people who stayed, the people who were honest. People who love food, too.
Last entry read like I wrote it drunk. Anyway. I've written too many long emails this year, most of them I wish I had never sent, but what the heck. If my memory could be the yardstick of all humankind, the people I sent them to would probably forget about the letters in a few months' time. If I were desperate, I would have to remind them using a visual presentation, a timeline, the works, just to make them remember: Hey, this is how I felt towards you at this time of the year. That's kind of pathetic, it is.
Not to say though that feelings should be forgotten or treated shabbily. I really like this word: "shabby." Anyway. I should like another word, maybe a word that has something to do with not being shabby. A friend told me that this is how I look at myself so it only follows that I attract this kind of treatment, people think it's okay to treat me like -- well -- I don't want to supply the word because I'm trying to get over that now. All I know is I'm a good person and I deserve good people in my life. Amen.
All that hard work towards making yourself stronger and more solid crumbles when you fall in love. Your defenses weaken and you are reduced to a sobbing, glass-eyed, jelly-knee hopeless romantic. I exaggerate. I want to take potshots at people who ridicule people who
, I want to say hey asshole, who are you to laugh at me, to meddle? And to act like we're friends when all this time everything that comes out of your mouth had been lip service? I can live with misguided ridicule. What I can't tolerate is dishonesty and self-righteousness.
That sounded angry and unreasonable. Some people deserve to be called out. Maybe I should just direct my energy to people who are honest and don't think too highly of themselves. Goddamn I'm just really annoyed at liars and at people who act all friendly and shit but then the truth is they do not want to be friends in the first place. I dislike people who keep things to themselves and then bad-mouth other people when it's convenient. I hate people who bottle up their emotions and move brashly. I hate all these things because they are me.
Hey. I'm done saying the things I wanted to say. And this is the end of the line. Almost. I had wanted a more beautiful scenario but you know how plans don't always follow their blueprint. Life is not supposed to be planned. I had wanted to hold your hand all this time, I had planned on it all the days that I saw you, I may have succeeded that one time because God, I just really wanted to be close to you and to touch you. Forgive me for that arrogance. You will forget this in a few months.
That is the bittersweet truth. You will forget about me. I will forget about you. I think I have tried so hard to hold on to those days made out of the thinnest threads, even if I knew that they were not made to last. It was like grasping at the wrong chances. But there is no regret. This feeling came without me summoning it. This feeling came and it will go away. There is no regret, just happiness and gratitude that lessons were learned. And that some laughter came in between. Life is always good with a little laughter.
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