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Some goodbyes bring happiness. It's not apparent in the moment. One may feel a lightness only a few days later. "See you soon" begins to sound like a promise that is too hard to break. "I miss you" becomes much more than something said to fill silence. "I hope to be with you again" feels like balm -- a sweet, soothing song. Mornings become bearers of good news, a complete departure from the dread they once brought after a loved one has left. And then it's nearer and nearer, that moment of togetherness. The end of missing each other. Hello again.
Eight months unemployed. This week's my first week at the new job. Very long weekend. I missed spending a Philippine holiday at home. Anyway, universe is being kind nowadays. I take it one day at a time, still kind of wary something will go wrong at any time. But! Trying my hardest, too, to stop being that person. The kind who is suspicious 98% of the time. Universe is teaching me to take its kindness for what it is--a kindness. Not a fake gift containing a sinister surprise. I don't know how long I've been this cynical. Stopping now.
This is a good place. Here, I have an urge to write. It's been I-forget-how-many-months-now since I last wrote something and really liked it. I often like to write, thing is, I don't always know what to write about. It's a cozy place, this--wanting to write and bursting with ideas. It's hard saying things out loud, it's easier writing them down. This is my Zen. Here, I feel whole and capable. Somehow the strain of our everydayness is lifted and replaced by a cacophonous but soothing sound. *The Great Gig in the Sky plays*
Year 37. This will be the year of: Learning to give more. Seeing the good instead of the bad. Smiling in spite of fear. Diving deeper into knowing myself. Accepting who I am, not apologizing for it. Letting go of what doesn't work. Being honest, compassionate, considerate, generous, and kind. Not expecting anything. Thinking more of what I can offer instead of what I can't. Understanding that people are who they are and no one can, and should, change anyone. Learning that if I don't get what I want, then it means I probably have no need for it. Breathing.
Kuya is 40 today. (Byron turned 32 last week.) I texted Mama a Happy 40th Day of Becoming a Mama for the First Time. This time of the year, I think of Mama a lot, how she probably feels...remembering all that time she carried each of us. How do we repay our mother? Can we even do that...repay everything? There's no currency for motherhood, no? I don't know why I even broached the question. I think back to last September when the family was complete in this little house in San Jose Street. My heart is happy. Thanks.
Also back in September was the first time I visited Venice Grand Canal Mall. I took photos. So pretty at nighttime. It was jarring, exciting, and saddening. A new place often evokes feelings of sadness in me. Maybe it has something to do with not having someone particular to share it with like I used to when I was younger? It's doubly sad when a particular new place is nice. Like a quaint museum or a supergreen park. Anyway. Venice Mall (I never really know what to call it, Venice Piazza?). I just wanted to say, hi. You're a cutie.
It's funny how a few days ago I was super-anxious about the commute to work. As of now, I've tried about four different routes and vehicle combinations--trying to see which one is the most convenient. Experimenting. This stage of newness is exciting. I dread routine and going on autopilot the same way that I'm looking forward to it. Strange but I feel like a lot of people will understand. I look back to the Kat of two weeks ago with the almost-crippling fear of not ever learning the commute. Look where she is now. Badass commuter extraordinaire.
This is temporary. Repeat 10x. Everything is impermanent. In five years' time, will this matter? This, too, shall pass. ----All its permutations. "It" refers to change. I feel like I misused the word "permutation." Ah well. I've long wanted to learn welding and glassblowing. Maybe 2019 should be the year for that. Change careers or something. There is so much out there to do and learn. It's comforting to be capable at one thing, sure. But...there's something else, right? There must be something else. I repeat "this is temporary" a lot these days. It reminds me to move forward.
I need to stop buying stuff I don't need. Every time I pass by the mall on the way to work, Miniso calls out to me. What is it with these Japanese/Korean/Time Sinkhole stores and their charm??? I go in with the goal of not buying anything. I succeed 20% of the time. Most of what I get are chucked into a soon-forgotten drawer. It's the same with the Dollar Store at Greenfield. Well, I go in there for the smell so that might be different. I take it seriously, the need to stop buying cute stuff.
Last year, I had a sort of tiff with a neighborhood trike driver. More of a standoff. It started when he yelled at me because I was dawdling getting into his trike. "Sasakay ka ba o hindi?" I was taken aback so I walked away. He was jeering after me. So. For more than a year, I avoided the trike line whenever he was there. I worried for weeks about what I could've done to make things better. Anyway, a few weeks ago we kind of made peace. Without words, still. He is actually a nice guy. Thanks. I'm glad.
Still thinking of The Haunting of Hill House (Netflix). Sweet Nell. Might rewatch it this Christmas vacation. Also, Glow is good! What else. It's been a quick change from being unemployed to being employed. Relieved, most of all, that I can start saving again. Thankful for my family's kindness...offering to help all the time. I imagine one of my friends pointing this out to me. "This" being my life as a relatively good place to be in and my propensity to still complain. And I would agree that, yes, there is no need to whine. It's familiar, is all.
A simple walk through Ayala MRT station can overwhelm me with gratitude I have to clasp my hands together or take a deep breath to still myself. See, a child giggling or an old couple holding hands can make me cry. These are what make us happy, surely, everyone can understand? I whisper a quick thanks to the universe for a sunny day, a spacious platform, considerate passengers, a smooth ride home, a little boy sleeping on his mother's lap, a lady giving her seat to another lady who looks tired. I get off at Shaw and say thanks 100x.
Would it be arrogant to still ask someone to listen after that someone has expressed that there is no more love? What "right" does being loved give someone, and in that sense what does the "leaving" of love take away with it? Do affection, fondness, and respect come with the package? It may depend on the situation, yes? Say, if there's no hate, would it be safe to say there can still be friendship? But what ending does not have even the smallest amount of hate? What if the one left still has love, what then? Keep on giving? Stop?
It is exciting again, Christmastime. Past couple of years there was resistance, a wisp of disdain toward Christmas decor and songs. Who knows where feelings come from? Today, I am just thankful I can appreciate Christmas again. I even bought decor (not sarcastically). It's refreshing to not be angry and impatient for this time of the year to be over fast. I'm in that sweet spot of not wanting November to end and anticipating the first of December. Just the other night there was a chill outside the office and I had to hug myself. Always a good feeling, that.
Today, Norly and I talked about past lives, animal realms, etc. He also mentioned he has a certain affinity to afternoons. It's nice, no? That something abstract means a certain thing to a specific person. It's always a warm place, kwento time with Norly. Forgot to tell him I saw two taxis with "Norly" on them (the other one was spelled Norli). I think of these things as Hellos from the universe. I have friends who believe in signs, too, and I have deep affection for them. Anyone who was hurt and still believes in love, we must hold dearly.
I'm having trouble normalizing my sleep. At work I nod off at the most inopportune times. Quite embarrassing. Been trying various black iced coffees. So far CBTL cold brew is gold medalist. Followed closely by McDonald's (but lately it's been ineffective). Dark horse is Dunkin Donuts' but it causes palpitations. Starbucks iced Americano (less water, more ice) is special mention, sometimes silver medalist. I remember in 2011-2012 I drank my weight in energy drinks and, well, that wasn't such a good time. Water and green tea are best. The occasional Gatorade. And maybe just sleep, no? Tons of sleep.
So! I had 12+ hours of sleep. Best day ever. I like waking up in the middle of my sleep, turning on the fan, and going back to bed knowing I don't have an alarm for the day. It may be the highlight of most of my days haha. When I properly wake up, I look forward to green tea (a good 20 minutes, just me and my tea) and the new commute route I've concocted. I like where I am now. Been constantly sending a shout-out to the universe. Thank You. Most of all for Saturdays and Sundays.
Kuya recently sent me photos of Brysen wearing a grown-up green and grey sweatshirt. He (Brysen) paired it with grey shorts, Spider-man socks, and sky blue sneakers. He's flashing the peace sign on both hands and he looks so confident. A five-year-old grown-up. *sobs* Brysen's growing up too fast, why do kids grow up too fast? When he was here last September he got sick the day before they were to fly home. He wasn't whiny. He listened to his Ate and let her take care of him. What a precious kid. Love you, doughnut.
I'm at a McDonald's and Sign of the Times is on. This leads me to browse Harry Styles photos on IG. Zooming in and stuff, and I had to look behind me to make sure no one's seeing this random (and quite weird) fangirling. It reminds of that meme where a guy took a photo of a girl in his class and the caption reads something like: "All she does is zoom in on Harry Styles photos." Anyway, do you like McDo's chicken fillet? I do, a lot. I wish there was a 10-piece chicken fillet on the menu.
Badass commuter extraordinaire ~ no more. Was late to work for almost an hour today. It helps to focus on the bright side: Kind people, awesome Grab drivers, new friends, luck, new iced coffee discovery, a quiet Starbucks, the last piece of sausage roll. Tuesday is still my favorite day, it's a mix of whimsy and misfortune that almost always results in...I have no exact word/s for now but let's just go with OhWellItWasBadAndThenItWasGood. Been browsing my journals and saw this sentence written more than once in the past few weeks: I like where I am now, thank you.
Had a video call with Ma today. Her eyes were twinkling! I loved that part of my day, seeing her like that. I've just had a haircut and was telling her I wasn't sure about it (too short), and she said it looked okay. So yeah, "problem" fixed. Thank you universe for Mamas. She showed me department store giveaways she recently got. See, she's happier about these giveaways than the actual products she purchased. Sometimes she buys something because she likes the giveaway that comes with it. She ended the call with: "Bye, I'm gonna spend time enjoying my giveaways."
The Western Union in Greenfield always has Thor: Ragnarok on. I get excited whenever I sit down to wait for my turn. TV's sound is not on though, but it's still entertaining. I went on here to tell you that and nothing else. So now what. I guess, I like the consistency. It's always been fascinating -- regularity, things happening like clockwork, dependability, buses that come and leave on time. You know? I'm at a McDonald's now and it's just played New Rules three times in a row. The opening notes begin to sound comforting, like a friend I really like.
There should be something said about last September. The last eight months, for that matter. But maybe wise to focus on September for now. Let's see. Got a new job. Spent time with the whole family (two weeks of just love and I've-missed-yous [my heart is happy]). Reconnected with a few friends. Slept in the same room with Mama. Spent time with Brysen. Brysen! I don't think I've written about that one day in November 2017 we were hanging out and he asked me to play Bruno Mars songs. We danced for forever. I love having these memories.
Hiii. I slept the whole day. 16 hours? There's a baby staring at me right now. My default reaction when this happens is: "Kunin kita dyan eh." Yup. They're so small, what can they do wrong? My brief vacations with Brysen informed me that they can do a lot of things that make you question the concept of time and patience. But, here's the thing. Time with small humans can teach you so much about love and happiness borne from moments you didn't think could cause you to feel affection. Spilled milk, their worried face. Kids when they're worried. Endearing.
Pizza and chicken lunch with Papa and Byron today. Before that, I was early at Starmall to buy ensaymadas. I expected the store to open at 10 a.m. but it opened at 11 a.m. While waiting at Mcdo (my third home), I got to spend time with two little boys and their Grandma. Also ran into a friend from high school, Karen. In all, a good day. Texted Kuya thanks for our lunch. Settled into bed for a bit of Netflix. Aren't Sundays like your favorite uncle? Chill and warm. Smells faintly of Drakkar Noir. Cozy. Always smiling.
It's happened again. Slept for majority of the day. My To-Do list sat on the other bed: forlorn, confused, and neglected. I sent a love note from across the room: "Don't be sad, we'll spend time this week." Technically it's still my Sunday night so...I'm lolling around. The Kominsky Method and Nothing to Hide today. Potato chips and Goya chocolates and ensaymadas, too. Had a dream of me washing my face and looking for my Aveeno body wash. Lots of other details, too, that are lost on me now. Wanna sleep again. Chilly now, no? I love it.
What do you say when you're asked to enumerate your interests and hobbies? Me, I go blank. Of course there's books, movies, music, but the thing is, I pressure myself into coming up with something else because surely there must be something else? (Yes.) However, see, these are private stuff that my juvenile, self-centered mind thinks would cause people to judge me. When the truth is, nobody thinks about you the way you think they do. Yeah? Anyway, I like stories. There. That's my interest and hobby. I like asking people to tell me stories. Stories are great yes?
There's an audio clip of Harry Styles on Tumblr ironically captioned "The Most Riveting Story" and in it he recounts the moment he found out their second album made it to #1. It's an exciting and interesting story but because he drawls, and has a monotonous and deep voice, it doesn't sound as riveting. The charm in that clip (and Harry Styles himself, for that matter) is he takes his sweet time telling his story from beginning to the conflict up to the climax and proper ending, and you can hear in his voice his own fascination with his story.
There's a patch of bougainvillea along EDSA between Buendia and Ayala (southbound side) that makes me smile whenever I see it. The view is better from the train because of the wide angle. While on the bus, it seems you're under a bougainvillea shower (because you're nearer and quite under it), so that's nice, too. There's probably three bougainvillea colors and IDK, it looks both imposing and nonchalant. Like it just decided to settle on that spot on a random Tuesday afternoon. There's also this wild-ish shrubbery approaching the MRT Taft station. What do you call those lilac blooms?
What a month. *emoji doing a deep contented sigh, hoooo* Mama keeps reminding me that a grateful heart is important. "Think of it this way, even though you have troubles now, you still have a lot to be thankful for." And she is, of course, right. Without diminishing my (mostly magnified and sometimes imagined) troubles, she gently, lovingly brings me back to earth and tells me to love people who are difficult to love. I think Kuya and Mama are made of the same heaven-sourced material: The "Do what is right, think of others first, but love yourself" kind.
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