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07/01 Direct Link
The guy who is strolling around the supermarket in uniform. Does he have a shot gun? I mean if he saw me put something in my pocket and walk out with alarm bells going off, would he pull his gun out and shoot me dead? I like to imagine no. But I actually think these guys maybe are trained to shoot on sight anybody who takes something. It can get pretty weird. Guys can get pretty worked up in supermarkets eyeing up and just waiting to draw their pistols on you. I mean, I could dead in a flash, right?
07/02 Direct Link
Monday morning and Iím bored. I have been pacing my office all morning. I feel empty and wonder should I just resign and go hiking in the mountains? I could do it I think. It sure would be more different to this. But then again I would miss New York and all its sick glory. Down below I can see a dowdy looking woman with a cigarette in her mouth smacking a small coloured child. She herself is white and looks angry. The child is rubbing its leg where it was smacked. I would love to smack its mama back.
07/03 Direct Link
Iím a nun living in a cave. The idea seems incomplete. There is no other scenery around. No rivers, no mountains or trees. Just a simple stone cave that is semi dark and myself. I sit in a corner and wonder miserably why Iím here. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I guess my mind has been playing tricks again. It happens. I wish I was Mary Poppins and with an umbrella that would let me fly in the air. What fun that would be. So much better than sitting her alone in this damn cave.
07/04 Direct Link
I have bought a nice new black umbrella and intend to start trying to fly with it. Okay, seems absurd when Poppins is just fantasy. But hey, who gives a damn? I know I donít. So Iím currently having the window of my apartment open. Remember itís a long drop to the ground but I have my brolly open and Iím thinking, go on, take a deep breath and just jump and see if you fly. Well easier said than done. Even I am thinking I must be insane. But one never knows till one tries, right? So here goes.
07/05 Direct Link
The phone rang so I didnít jump. Yeah, okay, you think I chickened out? No way. Iím made of stronger stuff than that. I will chose another time to do this. Meanwhile I have other problems. A girl I used to know back in college called Ria called to say sheís in town and could she stay with me a few days? I donít really want this. A few days could turn into a few years. Then where would I be? I need to sit back and think this through as to how Iím going to get rid of Ria.
07/06 Direct Link
Ria has been teaching me how to play dominos. Should I be thrilled? Iím not sure. She seems nice. I think she was always nice. But she is nicer now than before. Plus she plays a mean set of Dominos. She cooks too. That could be interesting if I feel like a little hungry. Wake Ria and ask her to cook. I feel she probably would as she seems very willing. And I rather like people, especially girls, who are willing. Iím not always willing myself. Sometimes I get a little down on myself or unsure or I donít know.
07/07 Direct Link
Ria has expressed interest in trying to fly with the umbrella. The expression on her pretty face almost insane when after I told her about the brolly and trying to fly with it she said sheíd love to try. Well I guess itís a chance to experiment to see if it can work. Iím not sure if she is having me on, to be honest. Sheís a strange one, that one. I wonder if we should just stick to playing dominos. I happened to mention the brolly thing to a guy I know in work. He too seemed interested. Weird.
07/08 Direct Link
This guy from work I said who fancies flying with the brolly thing. His name is Jake. I really hate that name. But he seems pretty cool. Heís some sort of new manager for something. There are lots of managers here for different things. Jake is a short thin man with dark receding hair and a pathetic looking goatee. He says heís love to come to my apartment and learn to fly using the brolly. Like Ria he has this lunatic expression when talks about the brolly and flying. Like heís been waiting all his life to fly and die.
07/09 Direct Link
Ria is dead. She tried the brolly before I could stop her. I entered the apartment from work and there she was with the window open, brolly in hand. And right away I knew what she intended. No, I shrieked. But she was gone. Oh my God, you should have seen mess below. I guess I should write to Riaís family and inform then what happened. Only I donít know their current address, so maybe not. Meanwhile I got a text from Jake. He wants to come over and have a go at brolly frying. What am I gonna do?
07/10 Direct Link
Jake is dead. I was in the toilet while he was playing around the brolly. When I returned he was gone. The window was open and I feared the worse. Looking down there was a crowd looking at something, presumably Jake. I could imagine the mess. Have decided after two deaths that the brolly doesnít work as a flying machine and I will get rid of it pronto. Meanwhile the weather has turned cloudy. I feel like going out for a drink but I donít want to get caught in rain and of cause I no longer have a brolly.
07/11 Direct Link
There is a tiny hole that has appeared in the wall near my kitchen window. Not sure how it got there. But every day I notice it gets a little bigger. And itís starting to worry me. At my stage of life, I think, mid-twenties, I should be free of worry? But not so. Weird stuff is happening with each passing day. And some days I wake in muck sweat of what is to come next. Today I looked more closely at the hole and actually noticed some little object moving inside. I almost screamed. I felt really quite ill.
07/12 Direct Link
Iím in a cab on a rainy New York day. As itís about to pull away a guy with a kind of squashed face and a lascivious grin steps in and sits beside me. Angry I tell him to get out and order the driver to stop. When the driver ignores me and the guy eases his arm around me and tells me, ĒItís okay, baby,Ē I tell him, ďItís not,Ē He presses his slimy cold lips over mine and a wave of nausea spreads through me. I slap his face. He looks startled. ďOkay,Ē he says, ďI get it.Ē
07/13 Direct Link
Iím in a cab on a rainy New York day. As itís about to pull away a guy with a kind of squashed face and a lascivious grin steps in and sits beside me. Angry I tell him to get out and order the driver to stop. When the driver ignores me and the guy eases his arm around me and tells me, ĒItís okay, baby,Ē I tell him, ďItís not,Ē He presses his slimy cold lips over mine and a wave of nausea spreads through me. I slap his face. He looks startled. ďOkay,Ē he says, ďI get it.Ē
07/14 Direct Link
It is eleven minutes past ten in the morning. Iím on my first day of vacation and Iím making toast in my kitchen. Itís warm and I feel good for a change. I open the fridge and scream. There is a man crouched in there. He looks old. Is dressed shabby and is shivering. ďWhat the hell are you doing in my fridge?Ē I yell. His reply is an illegible noise. ďLook,Ē I say, ďJust get out, will you?Ē He blinks and moves slightly. ďĒNeed some help, right?Ē I say. He blinks. I touch him and get an electric shock.
07/15 Direct Link
I donít know what to do with the man in the fridge. He doesnít speak properly. He is full of electricity. And itís clear he canít get out the fridge. I have no clue how he even got there. But worse, he is starting to smell. I have called the cops. Some cop in charge laughed on the phone when I told him who was in my fridge. ďLady,Ē he said, ďgo back to sleep and wake up again,Ē ďWhat good will that do?Ē I asked him. He sighed. ďAre you kiddin, lady?Ē he said. ďNo,Ē I said, ďIím not,Ē
07/16 Direct Link
The guy in the fridge is getting bigger. And the smell is beyond belief. I have no clue currently if he is alive. There seems to be no movement. But with no way of getting him out and not even the cops to help me well it looks like Iím gonna have to just leave it as it is and not bother to open the fridge anymore. Or, and I think this is the better proposition, find a new apartment. I have been checking newspapers on and off line for places to let so I can move in like now.
07/17 Direct Link
Iím losing my mind. The fridge exploded during the night. Like fridge and bits of festering, I believe to be, alien flesh splattered over, well, everywhere. Iím in the lounge right now crying. Dawn has not long arrived and Iím stuck with this terrible mess to clean up. I dare not even go in the kitchen just now. I will be hysterical. This is the worst vacation I have ever had. What the crap am I to do? I feel like I could quite happily die and go to a different world or no other goddamned stupid world at all.
07/18 Direct Link
Had one of my weird dreams last night. I was working in a restaurant washing dishes and generally not having fun. I was really bored till this girl started talking to me. I think she was the assistant manageress. Very young and pretty. She sort of stood behind me and asked if ide like to go with her for dinner after closing. I replied that I wouldnít be able to do that as I had a date with a murderer who was planning to murder his rich mom later that night. And I was to receive some of the pickings.
07/19 Direct Link
Creeping under the bed in the afternoon I found strange documents. A bunch of letters apparently written by a stranger or previous occupant of this place stating he/she came from Mars. I had to giggle. I wrote them myself not long after I came here. I guess I was board and needed to use my imagination. Funny part is I actually met a guy, a Martian guy, I had imagined, in the elevator. He had a brownish face and was not especially good looking. But he said, hi. And I said hi, back. And then he was gone. How weird.
07/20 Direct Link
Iím in a phone booth on a corner. Its summer and the phone booth has been broken up and my clothes are loose and thin and Iím feeling tired because of the heat and Iím wondering why I should be even in a phone booth. Iím clutching my cell phone. But I have no intention of using it. Iím standing there and sort of waiting. Though no idea why or what Iím waiting for. A young girl just went by. She smiled at me. I didnít know her but smiled back. Iím wondering if thereís a meaning to all this.
07/21 Direct Link
Why should I think of going anywhere when I die? Itís something that has been bothering me today. I have been drinking coffee on this my day off. And it was sunny and warm and I was feeling actually pretty good for a change. And then this, this thing appeared in my head. About the afterlife. I mean, why? Iím still pretty young. I actually plan, as the saying goes, to live forever. And yet the thought lingers about going to new places. Can it be better than this? Surely it must be. Oh please let it be much better.
07/22 Direct Link
My mom texted me today. ďAnonymous,Ē she wrote, ďdear, I just wanted to tell you a troll I met in a bar yesterday. He says he knows you. And plans to kill you someday. Darling, you must take this threat seriously. He looks nasty,Ē My mom is prone to making up such tales as she sends here. She often has little to do now at home but play around with her cell phone and construct new tales, usually horror tales, and often, well almost always, with me as the central character. Could somebody please have my mom interned, or whatever?
07/23 Direct Link
A new day has begun. Itís six thirty seven and I am still in bed with this laptop switched on at my side. And my mind, still half muffled with sleep, is trying to think up an interesting new plotline. Now itís not going to be easy. Itís pretty warm here. I slept in the nude last night and my body is soft and tender. There is a vague picture of a faceless male with roving hands in bed beside me. He is proving difficult to ignore. Men are such bores. I want to kick them and watch them struggle.
07/24 Direct Link
I can hear a trickle of water in your apartment. I say how come there is that noise? You say there is no noise. I donít believe you. I even tell you this. Look, I say, there is a dripping somewhere. It might be dangerous. You scoff and I feel anger. And I stand to leave. And you beg me to stay. Then fix the dam drip, I say. And you promise to do it even though you continue to insist there is no drip. And I feel I could punch you in the noise because Iím so angry, see?
07/25 Direct Link
You have me tied to the settee with thick rope and something balled up in my mouth and I am struggling with tears running down my cheeks and pain across my thighs where you hit me with that strap you said I would like. I had let you tie me up because you just said it would be fun for both of us and you promised faithfully not to hurt me. But for the last eight hours I have had to endure the most terrible pain of my life as you have hit me over and over. I hate you.
07/26 Direct Link
What do you feel like today? I feel hungry. My apartment is warm and I have money and I feel like I should eat to keep my shape which is nice and voluptuous. I love to be voluptuous. To walk down a crowded street and watch a man watching me thinking I donít know heís watching me because Iím not looking right at him. Men are so shallow. They think we have no brains. They think we are at best dust. But we have brains enough for both sexes. Mine, though, is the better more clever sex, am I right?
07/27 Direct Link
There has been a delay. I donít know what kind of delay. Something that maybe seriously going to stop me from carrying on my life today. I sit here feeling moody in my office. I have seen nobody all day. All I have is this memo that tells me there will be a delay. But what kind of delay? Well I guess only God knows this. Meanwhile I sit back in my comfy chair with my pretty hazel eyes half closed and sometimes flickering my eye lashes like itís quite meaningful. And maybe it is. But I canít say anymore.
07/28 Direct Link
Stop the flow, says my mind. I giggle. But why? I ask. Because I tell you too, it says. I shrug. So I sit staring at a memory of a guy I knew years ago when we used to walk along a deserted beach and feel oddly comfortable together. We would sometimes roll around in the sand which was messy. But we giggled and had such fun together. And really nothing else seemed to matter but us the sea and the sun until a dreadful feeling of nausea would come over me and I would wake to find me alone.
07/29 Direct Link
Something amazing might happen overnight I keep thinking. Like the world will end and I alone will be hurtled out into space and land on some distant planet where I will live happily ever after, perhaps even forever. Unlikely of cause. Iím more likely to end up in work as usual in the morning, worse luck. I havenít seen anybody I like in ages. I just sit alone at home and dream crazy dreams about distant planets that look like this one but are much nicer. And one can go where one likes and do what one likes without fear.
07/30 Direct Link
Today I will begin, I say to myself when I woke. Then I giggle and look at the clock. It is six am. Much to early, even for me to get up. Yet I lay there wide eyed staring at the ceiling and thinking naughty thinks like changing my name to Hattie, and wearing a long platinum blond wig and going into work and telling everybody to shove it and seeing all their dumb blank faces as I leave without regret. I had a quick shower and breakfast and watched a little morning TV. But really, I was utterly bored.
07/31 Direct Link
I went to church this morning. Goodness knows why? Plus Iím Jewish. But I was walking through the city and suddenly I was outside this church. And the front door was open. So I was like, okay, letís go in. So I went in. And it was cool and kind of dim lit. And there was the vague sound of a choir from somewhere. And soft pitter patter of feet. I was like, ugh, itís eerie. And then some priest went by, I think he gave me a passing glance, thatís all. And I wondered what to do with myself.