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C.T. and I decided to be just friends. I had a letter for him explaining my confusion, my doubts, my questions but decided against giving it. There was something about his demeanor that made it unnecessary to further deconstruct the relationship. He's given up-- after four weeks. Because it wasn't me he wanted but a relationship, any relationship. It's sad that he wasn't willing to pursue but it's great, too, because the mismatch is over. Today is a good day. Today is the day I dream again and hope. Today is when anyone can be someone.
I called C.T. today. Haven't talked to him since that fateful day when we said we're better off as friends. He would send text messages but that's about it. I had woken him up from a late afternoon nap. He sounded groggy, upset. He perked up eventually and we talked about daily stuff. In the middle of the exchange I cut him off to attend to an emergency. I'm sorry I need to go, I'll call you later, I said. You don't have to, he said.
Whoa. What was that about? Is it me, or is it him?
C.T. invited me--through text--to go to Seattle next month. To look for apartments and neighborhoods. He 's considering moving there, I think. Here's the clincher: "since we're just friends," I would "have to pay for airfare, hotel room, car, meals, etc."
I have been tolerant of this crude behavior since I met him only because I know he's heartbroken, depressed and hurt (from divorce) and therefore still selfish and self-centered. But he's not helping me like him more. He's making it harder for me to want to help and be his friend.
I must love C.T. Because I miss him and I want to know how he's doing. Is he okay, is he happy? Despite his insecurities, despite his arrogance. Not in a romantic sense but more like I Corinthians 13. "Love is patient, love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres." Well, okay, except the trust part. I don't trust him. His stories about the ex-wife had come in increments. He lied. But I continue to have hope in him. I have seen glimpses of a good man and I hope.
The power of choice. That's what makes us higher than the animals. That's what makes us higher than the angels. We have the power to choose whatever we want to do with regards to everything-- the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the jobs we take, the relationships we have, the attitudes we take, the outlook we carry. But we rarely take advantage of this opportunity. We let our emotions take over. We let other people control our lives. Sometimes it's our past that dictates our outlook, or our fears, or plain laziness. Today, I choose to choose well.
I am feeling so insecure today. My skin is exposed like a peeled apple, the air aggressively changing my color from a vibrant yellow to rust. I feel unworthy, unloved, unrecognized, unwanted. I am not making an impact. I have not made any impact. The lives I have touched and somehow encouraged? They have forgotten me. They have moved on after I have given my undivided love and attention. And I am left alone and forgotten. I am so afraid today. The fear is like the heat of the summer sun, very debilitating. It leaves me helpless, powerless, and hopeless.
He's been my friend for 20 years-- Edwin. We have laughed and cried and laughed some more through the years, together and apart. Mostly apart because he's in Vancouver, I'm here in Hawaii. He has always been there for me especially when I have relationship issues. Always available to skype and listen for hours, encouraging, suggesting, leading. Always making me laugh in the midst of tears or confusion. Why have we never liked each other, as lovers? Why can't it be us? Are we subconsciously too afraid to lose the friendship that we'd rather keep it there than risk?
I remember hanging up the phone after talking to him for an hour. This is the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I was 24 then and I thought he was amazing. He still is. I thought we can have a great life-- just laughing and having fun, loving the Lord together and sharing that love with others. I knew I was his special girl, I knew I was different but it never really was more than that. Through the years, I've hoped. Maybe one day. Someday. Am I still hoping? I don't know.
My ultimate dream is to have a happy family. Maybe that's my passion-- to build a happy marriage and a happy family. If you have that, you will raise confident, purpose-filled, generous children who will be leaders and world changers someday. It all starts in the home, where there is unconditional love and acceptance. And who fosters this? The parents. Who leads this? The husband, the father. It starts with two complete individuals loved, assured and changed by God, sharing their lives in a generous way. Therefore, if I want a happy family, I have to start with me.
"Those things you've always wanted to do? You should go and do those."
I read this quote somewhere and I've been repeating this over and over in my head. You should do those. You should do those.
So I went out and bought charcoal sticks at Barnes and Noble. I stayed there and read a book. I borrowed the Steve Jobs biography at the library. I also borrowed the Anne of Green Gables DVD. I made a kale smoothie. I made a list. I did yoga. I thought of happy thoughts. I smiled to myself. I enjoyed being in Hawaii.
This is my word this year. I am pursuing what I love, pursuing the life I love, pursuing who I love. I will look fear in the eye and cast it aside. I will no longer live for the idea of tomorrow but of today. I will not procrastinate. When will I read that book? When will I pursue my passion? When will I draw, write, photograph, film? When will I be healthy? When will I explore? When will I move on? As I live now, I pursue the life I want. And everything starts falling into place today.
I went for a walk at Nuuanu Street. Nuuanu is like a cultural walk. Lots of Buddhist temples, Lutheran churches, Japanese cemeteries, embassy offices. There are condominiums too and colonial houses. Lots of people jogging or walking their dogs. I guess these are the ones that live in the condominiums. I walked across a bridge that was littered with dried yellow leaves. It crackled softly when I stepped on it. I felt carefree, like I'm a poet or a writer. Like I'm back to my old self, my old life, which I really miss. But I think she's gone now.
There's this thick blanket of arrogance that covers her. It's a spirit and it stinks. She talks about being sorry, about realizing her mistakes but you can feel that it is just talk. She says sorry out of pride. Kuya tells me she is "bellicose." A new word for me. It means "having or showing an eagerness to fight." Synonyms are hostile, combative, belligerent, militant, quarrelsome. I have always described her as abrasive. She doesn't know how to love, he says. It's painful to hear that coming from him but at one point, yes, it's true. But there is hope.
Now that C.T. is officially gone in my life, I feel unsettled, disconnected. I'm back to square one trying to figure out my life. Why does this happen to me? Before I met Ron, my life seemed clear. I wanted to be a filmmaker. He was doing multimedia work so it seemed perfect. But it didn't work out. With C.T. I want to be a marriage and family therapist. Excited to do that. Because he's in the non-profit industry. But it didn't work out. So. I. Feel. Lost. Again. Where do I go from here, my God?
With Ron, remembering him was painful. The pain would rise from the pit of my stomach to my throat. It was painful because I loved him. He cared too, I know now, but I was too insecure to see it. I was too selfish and self-centered. With C.T., remembering him makes me feel lonely. Like I lost a friend, someone similar to me, someone I connect with. It's sad not in an overwhelming way because I can't even bring myself to cry. Sad in a subtle way. Because we could be good for each other, I think.
I've been rejected. Ouch.
I wanted to set up Candy Chang's wall at Ala Moana Center because it seems like the best place to do it-- lots of people traffic and an existing wall that is not being used for anything. Don't they want some public art somewhere to get the people to interact with each other? Can't we be more artsy and sophisticated?
Well, they said no. They're "passing on" this project. Doesn't fit their image, I guess. What's regretful is that they do not see what I see. They don't see my vision. What should I do?
I'm pregnant with this project Before I Die wall by Candy Chang. I had asked the parts and permit office of the city and they said an ordinance disqualifies me from setting it up. The Ala Moana said no too. What will Farrington say? I promised myself I'll make this happen even if it has to be at HCKB grounds or mom's garage. I need to give birth to this. The baby has to come out. But the rejections are slowing me down. Like birth pangs, I ask: Is it going to live? Today, I'm deciding that it has to.
One of the reasons for being indecisive is fear of responsibility. One does not want to face the consequences of a certain decision. For example, if I decided to leave Hawaii and go to Vancouver, I would have to look for a job there and make the emotional and physical effort of relocating and starting all over again. What if it doesn't work out? At least I know, right? Have I wasted my time then? That's what I fear the most, wasting my time. Yet not deciding, or procrastinating, is the same thing. Crap. I think I should just go.
I'm in the middle of deciding whether to move to Vancouver or not. I was in this same spot two years ago in 2011. I made a pact with God and said then that it would be my last year. Clarify your plans, please, I said. I met Ron that year and it changed my direction. Hawaii became like a nice place to be. End of 2012, I made that pact again. Clarify please because I really want to relocate. Then I met Chris and for I moment there was meaning to being here. Now I'm back to that matchpoint.
His memory grips me, like it happened last week not ten years ago. It was around this time when I was consumed by his presence. My whole being as a woman changed because of him-- because he exists. I met Alfred in 2003, February 8. It was his first time to visit Baguio and the moment we laid eyes on each other, we were smitten. I knew, I know. Everybody ceased to exist then. Unknown emotions welled up inside of me birthing some kind of passion. I wrote poems, love songs, words. He was the love of my life.
I've decided to relocate next year, early next year. Maybe Vancouver or Seattle. Going to Argosy University to inquire about their graduate program on Marriage and Family Therapy somehow clarified things. Yes, I still like to do counseling, to help couples and families sort their lives. But I cannot see myself being stuck here for the next three years trying to finish the program. It feels suffocating, like I'm being chained. I don't feel the freedom of pursuing something I love. And suddenly, the need to go elsewhere surged, like I've been given wings, like it's time to fly.
I'm writing anything that comes to mind and not editing myself or judging whether I make sense or not because it doesn't really matter I am the only one who can read these words whose judgement is important to me others' opinion wouldn't really matter would it because I do not know who they are or where they live or the color of their hair neither what their past is like or whether they sleep on their side or their back so help them God it doesn't really matter nobody really cares because they have their own lives to live.
Back to talking about C.T. Because I just had dinner with him-- the first since we decided to be just friends. Before Arakaki, we went to the Punchbowl Cemetery. The view deck has this 360-degree view of Honolulu, which has everything that is Hawaii: the mountains, the buildings, Diamond Head, the sea, the residential areas. There's this mound in the middle and if you do a 360-degree turn, you'll see all of it. Anyhow, I've been noticing how I feel when I'm with him, trying not to judge. There is no romance. The excitement is gone. Shucks.
I keep thinking about moving out of Hawaii sometime soon. The more I think about it, the more excited I become. It is almost like a need now than whimsical desire. I need to go out because I do not want to regret not ever having done so. This is the best time to do it, being single and unattached, with no one to miss, no one to worry about. Maybe I should go to Seattle with C.T.? Him being there makes it easier, safer. Although I prefer Vancouver, it is a different country which makes relocating more difficult.
The first time I met C.T., there was an attraction. Not a big spark like Alfred's but attraction nonetheless. We had a connection and I was willing to let it happen faster than usual. There was a sense of "This is it." I remember it waned a week after when I met with Veronica and she was full of doubt. I could sense that she didn't approve. Because she didn't know him. This doubt was underscored by the fact that he didn't call me that day and the next. Which seemed abrupt. I started doubting him from then on.
i don't want to help others anymore the world can do without me it's not like i am the savior of the world and people need me to make their lives better i read a quote once that says you do not find your calling by looking at what the world needs but by finding what makes you come alive because, it says, the world needs people who are alive it makes sense because i think we are wired that way whatever makes you come alive will help the world some way. i need to take care of myself. really.
Work hard, play hard. That was Alfred's motto. I'm honoring his role in my life by practicing that. I will work hard, I will be successful. I will be independent. I will be financially independent and successful enough to have something to give to my family. Whatever it takes, however it takes. I will not be afraid of money, I will not despise wealth. It is given to me by God to bless me so I can bless others. I don't need to buy more stuff when I'm wealthy. I can be simple. Simplicity is sophistication, according to Steve Jobs.
This is it! It's finally happening-- the Before I Die wall by Candy Chang! Got an approval to set it up at Farrington. Now all I need to do is build my team. Angie and Ivy have committed. C.T. said yes initially but changed his mind. He said he would be busy this whole May. Frank never replied to my email. And then there's Ron. Ever reliable Ron. He can help! We talked today and he had some ideas. I'm so glad he's helping. This is what I like most about him--he is so reliable and responsible.
Talked to my missionary friend Sharla. She's planning to move to Tibet sometime this year after two years of missionary work in Mongolia. She's excited and she's leaving with a grateful and happy heart because the transition has been smooth. This friend and I have gone a long way. We belonged to a small group back in the Philippines and we hit it off right away. We became fast friends. She understood my eccentricities and enjoyed my questions. She was one of those who was never intimidated by me. Talking to her, I can see that we have grown up.
I'm moving on to a new season of my life. Where it is exactly I do not know. All I know is that I will keep pressing on whatever God shows me at the moment. Whatever brings me joy, whatever makes me come alive. This time I will persist and persevere. I will be excellent and perfect. I will be detailed. Sometimes, like love, you have to wait for it to grow. Once you get over the hurdle of the initial encounter, you'll find joy in it. Like in a relationship, wait it out. Stay. Something will happen eventually.
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