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XOXO Author Girl
i don't think there is anything that i hate more about myself than when i can't help but my brain be extremely stupid. i have played this scale how many times in a row now? its a fricken scale for gods sake. but no. everytime i go to sing it without the piano it something way different than what i played. and now all it has done is stress me out and piss me off. great way to end the day. screw it. i will just sing it how it was written. Garnishments away, we are singing pure Handle now.
-clean the house
-read for english
-read for AP
-research for bio
-research for foods
-research for english
-write english paper
-create supplies list for party
-memorize script for easter
-go to musical every night
-memorize musical songs
-attempt to study for AP exam
-pretend like math class is hard
-schedule dance classes
-attempt to find time to work
-watch all these weird tv shows
-watch the musical
-try not to eat excessively
I've never been much of a dreamer. They say that everyone dreams when there asleep, we just don't always remember the dreams, but how is it that I never remember my dreams? I have only remember two or three dreams in my entire life. Yet, I wonder if I don't subconsciously remember bits and pieces because I tend to be in a situation and have an odd deja vu type feeling, even though I know it is impossible that its ever happened before. But they say that dreams are what we want without knowing it, so what do I want?
The last hoorah. The last performance of what has been an amazing season and an amazing year. Tears were shed, both happy and sad. It's funny how the good things in life tend to fly by so quickly that we cannot embrace them quite long enough, and yet the things that we wish would come to an end as soon as possible drag on until we feel as if we are about to give up. I keep telling myself its over, but it still hasn't sunk in. I feel as if I should get up tomorrow and start up again.
She picked up the hammer and felt the weight of it in her hands. She wanted to hesitate, but knew if she did it would be too late. She hefted the hammer up and swung at the walls that had held her in for so long. She cracked her surroundings until there were holes in the only thing she had ever known. Soon she could see the unfathomable outside and realized that everything around her that had been the only thing she had ever known, everything that she had thought so bright and happy, was really the darkest of grays.
Sometimes I wish that magic was real, and then I remember that it is. Maybe not the pull a rabbit out of a hat kind of magic, but we all must admit that there is some kind of magic in the one thing that no one has ever been able to explain, or understand. Love. Love makes the fairytales real. A girl and a boy find each other and their love grows stronger as time passes. What they feel for each other is something only the lucky ever begin to comprehend. What they feel has but one possible explanation. Magic.
It's only monday. For some reason I keep thinking that its wednesday or some day later in the week. The weeks speed by so fast, and yet there are times when I don't think they go fast enough. It's the seventh of April, and I feel like yesterday was the sixth of March. How is it that the brain is so smart, and yet can be so easily tricked into believing that something is right, when it is so clearly wrong? The brain is a magnificent thing, so hard to comprehend and yet at other times, it seems unnaturally simple.
I don't suppose I will ever really know where mothers get it from. They have this odd way of knowing what we are too afraid to say, of knowing just what we need when we don't, and they always know how to listen. They are like a genius and a magician and a psychologist and a teacher and a doctor and all of the other occupations somehow compiled into one person. There's no way to ever thank them enough for everything they do for us. I only hope when I become a mother, I'm as good at it as mine.
Sometimes I feel as if the world is out to get me. As if somewhere the fates are playing a game with me as the pawn, trying to see how much they can do to me before I break. Well my dear fates, while I am happy you are getting entertainment out of my struggles, you might as well give up now because if there's anything I won't do, its break. Put as much weight on my shoulders as you so please, because I may not look it, but I'm a strong girl, and I can handle what you throw.
If all nights could be as amazing as tonight was there would be no such thing as sadness in the world. Getting to hear the recollections of a Holocaust survivor was absolutely amazing! And then to get to go to my first ever concert at the brand new US Cell Center! For King and Country/Casting Crowns/Laura Story made an absolutely amazing concert! And I had one of the lead singers grab my outstretched hand and jump up onto my chair and sing. If there ever was a better way to have a concert I don't know of it!
Give me the strength to not be me tomorrow. Give me the strength to not do what I always do: freak out and screw it all up. Lord you can see how stressed I am right now. You can see how important this is to me. So please, give me confidence tomorrow. Give me strength. Help me to persevere even if I make a mistake. You are always with me, so let me remember that tomorrow as I face one of my biggest fears, and let me feel your presence there with me. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The bright and shining sun rose up into the sky and warmed the air to temperatures that hadn't been reached in over a hundred days. They dark clouds tried to cover the sky blocking the light and the heat from escaping into the surrounding air, but their efforts were futile as the sun managed to shimmy its way around the condensed water vapor and bore down onto the earth, encouraging the grass to grow and the flowers to bloom. Telling the world that it was finally time for spring to officially be in the air and happiness levels to rise.
I've always told myself not to care what other people think. I haven't done a great job of it, that much I can admit, but I've done better than most. Until I was told something yesterday that made me realize, I have been worrying about what others would think, without even realizing it. I don't know how it slipped past me, but I have been letting peoples opinions alter how I'm living. But now that it has come to my attention I won't let it. Because the minute I start worrying about their opinions, I start letting them control me.
Why do we, as women, subject ourselves to the tortures of society so willingly? Not only do we surround ourselves with images of perfect bodies, and other unattainable things? Why do we do ridiculous diets and fast in attempts to make ourselves look better for other people? Why do we stay with people who treat us like dirt, when somewhere out there is a person who would treat us like a queen? We need to stop letting people push us around and start thinking for ourselves so that we can finally be free from this terribly labyrinth we live in.
Why does Harry Potter matter so much to me? Well, this question can be answered in a multitude of ways. The first reason is because like many great books, it brought me to a different world and it was absolutely amazing. Also because the series is what really got me so interested in reading, for which I will be eternally grateful. Also, it has helped me to bond with a lot of different people because of its popularity. And most important, those books are the main reason me and my older sister bonded, and was the foundation of our relationship.
Yes, I am almost sixteen. Yes, I do know that fairytales are for children. But I also know that the lessons they teach us are for our whole lives not just when we are children. I know that they are impossible, I've accepted that, but that doesn't mean that I can believe in aspects of them. Do I believe in true love? Absolutely. Do I believe that when we need it there will be someone to help us when we are in distress? You bet'cha. Because I know that once I stop believing, I lose hope for a better tomorrow.
The excitement has been bubbling deep down inside, and now as the hour draws nearer it is starting to show as it rises to the top. You know something is coming because I can't seem to focus and every time I try to sit or stand still I can't seem to manage it. My feet are constantly tapping on the floor, and I continue to nervously bite my lower lip. All of the different possible emotions are flooding me as I become nervous, ecstatic, scared, excited. In a mere 19 hours the best Harry Potter Sweet 16 ever will begin.
Woke up at 7:30 this morning and still up. Started working on decorating and setting up for the party around 8 and was just barely done at 5. Wowzah. Everything looked amazing from the brick door, to myrtle in the bathroom, to the butterbeer/polyjuice potion and fizzing whizbees. Overall the decorations made the greatest theme ever. The people, not as much but I think that it was by far a success, and probably the greatest party that will every for me Lets not forget the awesome cake in face smashing of the birthday girls! 3 cute 5 you!
What even is 'normal' anymore? Everyone is weird, or crazy, or odd, but in comparison to what? You can't compare them to yourself because to you they may be loud, but to someone else they may be quite. So when we describe people as weird, what isn't? Because weird means not normal, but there is not person out there who is the epitome of normal. There is no perfect person to compare us all against, so how can we describe anything as normal? Because I seem normal to my family, weird to my friends. Why can't we just be ourselves?
The best and the worst parts of easter:
Best: I got to spend time with my family who I rarely ever see anymore and even though it doesn't make up for the past, it helps me feel like I'm not making the same mistake again.
Worst: I had to spend time with my family. I had to sit and be talked down to like I was some infantile imbecile, simply because I'm younger, and I haven't studied psychology. It hurts, but I know you don't have the right to look down on me, neither do I towards you.
It's not all that strange for me, to feel like I don't belong as I walk through the halls of my school. To listen to the vulgar language that slides so fluently off the tongues of my peers, that I wouldn't dare say even in my nightmares. I'm used to feeling different there, but what I feel now is new and strange to me. I have never before felt so out of place within my family. I've never felt so different from the rest, or so separate from who they are. Yet here I am, on the outside looking in.
It's my birthday. Well, not really anymore being as I will be going to bed and they day will have passed in about ten minutes. Overall it was very uneventful. I had lots of people post on my wall, a few text, and some random people in the hall. I'm not sure if I like it better, or if it just seems weird to me, because oddly enough, today has felt normal, and most supposedly normal days have been the days to feel odd. It's as if my life is confused so it just chose to flip upside down somehow.
Sharp words fill the air
cutting through the layers
that protects our hearts
A few letters rearranged
to create cruel punishment
for a crime we didn't commit
They penetrate our ribs
and fight their way into our hearts
slowly but surely breaking us down
They are an opinion
on our bodies
but not our hearts
They question how we look
not how we act
Someone else's view
but not the truth
these words don't define us
they don't describe who we are
Why on this earth would you ever willingly eat, let alone feed to others, something that you know from experience is absolutely disgusting? 1st off: Cheese, and frankly any other food, should not sit out for three hours. Lukewarm cheese is gross, you of all people, as a foods teacher, should know that. 2: You have seen every kid who tried it spit it out into the garbage, and yet you don't even warn us that we are about to eat dog poop that's been rolled in mold and salt. Nasty. A warning would be appreciated next time. Okay? Okay.
It's not easy trying to think broadly of time. Today we ran our show for the first time. In a week, it will be our last. A week ago, we barely knew the show. Fourteen days with four of them being weekends, we have taken some notes, some words, some choreography, and some costumes, and put them together to create a show that you would never know was run for the first time a week before. And in a week, it will all be over. It seems to have started yesterday, so how is it over in a few days?
prom prom prom prom prom prom prom. That's the only thing on anyones mind today. Going and getting last minute nails done. Going to get a fancy hairdo done. Spending hours perfecting the makeup we plaster on our faces. Fitting ourselves into large, possibly uncomfortable, dresses. But not me. I'm working, going in town to dance, then coming back and working again. Most girls will be spending all day getting ready to walk on stage at 5 o'clock. I will be getting ready at 3 to leave my house at 4. But becoming presentable in an hour, I'm used to.
Post prom: success. Oddly enough I wasn't even remotely tired the whole time. I knew it was like two in the morning, but the bright fluorescent lights of the high school kept me wide awake. Why they can't seem to do that during the day is beyond me. But once it was over I felt the lack of sleep hit me like a sledge hammer. My eyelids felt like elephants, and yet I still managed to stay awake long enough for Perkins. Got to bed 7 when I got home, and slept until 3. Now it's time for bed again.
For choir we sing a song called "Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep" and I completely understand the song. Others find it creepy, but I find it beautiful and compelling. It expresses how when a person dies, they aren't really dead. Yes, physically their bodies are no longer breathing and hearts no longer beating but they aren't gone. They still live within us, and within our memories, which means that they will never truly die. "I am not dead, I do not sleep" No. Those who die don't drift into oblivion. They are immortal. They will live on.
We live in a material world with material towns and material people. So many of our decision are based on things in the here and now, things that we won't be able to take with us, so therefore are not really worth the struggles. As my father sits there, wondering if all of this fighting and all of the sacrifices we will have to make is really worth a car that will last a few years, there are thousands of children who would do anything for a good meal. Why is some degradable object, so important to the human being?
I have never understood why my hair would never curl. Everyone always mentions how lucky I am to have naturally stick straight hair, how nice it looks when all I did was brush it. But there comes a time, such as this one, where stick straight doesn't work. And then all of the compliments disappear as even some of our best cannot get my hair to behave. I've accepted defeat many a time with my hair, but now is the time to show it who's boss. I just hope I don't burn it off while I make myself look 50s.
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