07/01 Direct Link
Welcome to the real world if there is such a thing. July of 2013 rolls past like the raging waves of the ocean raging through the dark. I continue to work with in the banks of my mind to figure out he next course of action. I accept that yes I am moving forward and At this very moment I occupy my path. I struggle to let go of the notion that there is something more. I come to the peace that my life can offer if I only choose to let go of that which does not serve me!
07/02 Direct Link
I have come to a crossroads and I sit upon the ground knees bent. I am sore and my body has had enough of the abuse of work. My mind is finished with all that it has been working on the last many months. My story continues with out her influence and I make my own choices for me now. I hear the call and I am anxious to head it. Will it be the 'right' choice? Or is there no right or wrong just the way we look at it in the pale light of the moon and stars
07/03 Direct Link
today i am tired. So tired! My body is at its max and my mind has been in chaos for a long time now. I still think about her on a regular basis. I think about life and where it is going. I only have to think about me and what I want. I find this a difficult task. I find that I am staying in this town for her, or am I. That is the question I have to ask and seek the answer for is why am I here. Its time to let her go and move forward.
07/04 Direct Link
I still feel the ring. I go to it every so often and its not there. It is a sinking feeling to know that it is gone and with it the marriage. It all crumbled so fast and now I must face the darkness alone. Before I held her hand and I saw love in her eyes. Now there is no light no eyes to see as she is gone moved on into the future of the void. I am left behind as though an animal left at the local dumpster. No longer needed or wanted. Just a ghost remains.
07/05 Direct Link
Why? I ask myself over and over and the answer will never come and yet I continue to ask. I expect to find a different result by applying the same process. I am lost and being swept downstream by the raging waters of disbelief. There is no blame to place on a feeling of loss and hurt. I feel the hurt and quickly it turns to pain and sorrow. How could this happen I ask and then I recognize that for some many others the same process has occurred, and for some that process has happened many times before now.
07/06 Direct Link
When I started writing these words it was a way to have some therapy. Now I find that the words while they come easy all reflect the same tone the same discomfort. I do not want to continue on the path that I am currently walking. I must fnd a way to change the direction that I am heading. I must create possibilities for the next moment in life. I look to the stars and the heavens awaiting the sign that I am where i am supposed to be and I wonder if it will ever happen. Looking for light.
07/07 Direct Link
The days have passed so fast here lately. She left me and with her went most of my dreams and the love that had been created. Dropped and thrown away like a hand full of trash. It makes me so sad and hurt when the thoughts come and they come everyday all day. What am I to do now that the life I had imagined is gone. The wind continues to blow and I attempt to find the peace and love that once flowed through me and gave me hope. May the dreams of hope return and fill the void.
07/08 Direct Link
Eight days in to the month of July. I write this on the 23 of july. Such a short period of time and yet I feel as though a lifetime has passed. I am weary and loosing ground. I want to make people happy and yet I want to keep myself safe. I am tired of being hurt and let down. Is it because I look for it that I find it, of course. I could look for happiness and joy and I don't. I am guarded and keep heavily to myself. It is no wonder that I am alone.
07/09 Direct Link
Another day and the words still flow the same. The light if the tunnel is dim and yet I continue to wake in the morning looking for the next piece of my puzzle. I stand and wait and then I move looking forward and back trying to find the path that I lost. Not realizing that I am already on the path walking forward continuing toward the end of the line. The day will come that I look back and know that I was always on my path. Even when the days showed me nothing but shadow I was on.
07/10 Direct Link
The words become competitive and I get lost in the make up of what was and will be. Never seeing that I am! Now is the time of my life now is when all says hear now and in this moment stand up for what you believe and be ready for the next phase. I must be true that how I feel and what my gut tells me to do. Trust is my greatest foe. I must learn to trust myself and the feelings that emerge and the meaning that I give to that energy. I must learn to trust....
07/11 Direct Link
Are anything more than who we are? Are we anything more than who we claim to be. Are we anything more than the sum of our actions. Is this life real or is it a made up journey of connected meanings that have no relationship what so ever. Is it all a game that leads us to believe that we are a part of spirit and something greater? I do my best to let her and the life I knew go. I do my best to grab hold of the new life that is here and hang on for life.
07/12 Direct Link
In the times of shadow and darkness the light still shines. Though it may not be as bright as the light of our birth and our triumphs, it still shines to guide us forward. I have done my best to live a good healthy life and I know that through parts of it I have failed and I have succeeded. In this moment here and now I must trust that where I am and what I am doing is right. It is time to listen to the voice inside and let go of fear. It is time to move forward.
07/13 Direct Link
When the days close out and the night creeps in I ask what is it that I did wrong. I have to let go of the blame and the doubt that moves in when the days go long. I failed and I succeeded. I walked the path that I set in front of me and I have done my best. I ask now that I have the strength and faith to stand for my intuition and move forward. I prey that I hear the call of my soul and that I follow that which it tells me into the light.
07/14 Direct Link
Another day to pass by will i remain at idol. Not moving, sleeping and staying inside. There is nowhere I choose to go and no one I chose to see. I have lived a large percentage of my life this way. Staying protected from myself inside and away from the outside world. I do not wish to live this way and I do. I stumble through this life sometimes showing greatness, and most often showing mediocrity. It is a cycle of the same over and over again. I choose to be here because it is safe and I know it.
07/15 Direct Link
I do not know where I will go. I have thought about it over and over and I still have very little idea about where I am going or what I am going to do. It is a numbing feeling. it is an exciting feeling to know that I get to choose what and where and how I go, if I even go at all. What a gift, what a sadness that she left when she did. To the sea and the mountains to the far away lands! An adventure awaits the daring man. Take hold and open to receive.
07/16 Direct Link
July 16th was our day. The day that we claimed for ourselves and made it our own. Now that day is a part of the past. It has come and gone and now the meaning is what I give it. I am done with all the pain and I step away as best I can to be lost in the crowd. To be blown by the wind toward the last of my journey. I did not want any part of it and that puts it all on her. It was her choice her dream and I was not a part .
07/17 Direct Link
Some books say to let life come as it will and that resistance to any part creates suffering. Others will say that you are in charge of your own destiny and that we choose how we interact with the world. And still others will argue that life is a series of ups and downs and that we cannot begin to understand the purpose yet alone the meaning. So I spin wondering which is up and which is down. Is there a 'right' answer or a right path. Is it all just a great mystery or just a big dark joke?
07/18 Direct Link
Habitual performance of the everyday motions continue to plague me and drive me forward in a way that is not how I saw my life going. It is interesting to sit here now and look back at my failed broken marriage. It was a good marriage just not what she wanted and she projected onto me that I was unhappy with her. and so her story is created and she finds the evidence she needs to get out and call it quits. I am left wondering what the fuck just happened? Is this real or am I dreaming this nightmare?
07/19 Direct Link
The wind howls your name and the sun brings forth your image. The songs remind me of you of us and the love that once blossomed inside that romance that love that relationship. There are no answers to the questions of why or how. it is done and it has been made so. There is no turning back. the bridge is burned and the lines have been drawn and washed away again. I look to her and see only a ghost in the shell. No dream can combat the desire to live again with her and to be with her.
07/20 Direct Link
Words dribble through the mind like a spring through the forest. Down through the hills and to the mouth of the sea. Swallowed by the layers of molecules and colors. I stand before you naked and without ill intent. I wanted and must now let go as time continues to make its way forward. I look to my father to learn the lessons of chasing that which is believed to be salvation. The wolf chooses one mate, I chose my mate and she asked me to leave. So I did and now I look out across the plains of life.
07/21 Direct Link
Mr. Blue Sky, by ELO rings in my head as it is the ringtone for my phone and hers was Fat bottom Girls, by Queen. I did not have the ability to comprehend that it was going to be this difficult to move past her. It has been close to a year now and I am still moving slowly through the process. I am at a loss at how to move forward with truth and faith. I keep doing the best that I can and now, here soon, I sense that I will find a teacher. I will find salvation.
07/22 Direct Link
A love affair has been created and I am intrigued and excited. I am experiencing a power of feeling that is wonderful and delightful. I linger a little to long when our hands and fingers touch. I look back at her to many times in a moment. I se her in my mind and I smile with gratitude. She has brought forth emotions that are still alive and with me. She has conjured the spirit of my passion to rise again and dance with the winds of inception. It is the little things that add up and bring the smiles.
07/23 Direct Link
I honestly do not believe that anyone will read these. Maybe on or two will be scanned over. There is only a greatness that lives here and that is the ability to change the way we look at life and our thoughts. To be conscious enough of our thoughts to observe and then make changes when we are thinking in a pattern that we want to change or simply do not like. Such a game to be played and I do not like it. I do not like that I have to manipulate in order to present correctly. Not Fair
07/24 Direct Link
She is an amazing woman to behold. I was struck by her in the beginning and now I am inthralled. It is good to feel again to lust and want a woman. I have stepped back and allowed myself to heal and to move forward with my head up and my heart open. I see her in the beginning and I have to laugh at how strange life is and how it flows with abandon. Sometimes it flows free and wild and others it is a raging beast of power and fear. And mostly it flows smooth and with grace.
07/25 Direct Link
I look at the painting and I see a life and a way of living that I have had fantasies about and have made no effort to claim the dream. I have allowed myself to be slow and heal. I have done my best to move in a direction that helps me to grow and yet I am smashed. I do not know how to rebuild many of the beliefs that I had before they were shattered. I am left holding pieces of dreams, futures, goals, love, and anger. I continue to ask the question of how to move on.
07/26 Direct Link
I used to write everyday and then only sporadically. I am a talker, I love to hear myself speak. That says something and I should really spend time and look at what that love affair means. Is it healthy love or is it egotic love, self serving lust of wanting to be more that simple. My body is stiff and tight. My muscles are bound tight and though I am stronger and more fit than before the question becomes at what price. I think of her and I become excited. Even though I know there is no future, I trust.....
07/27 Direct Link
I hear the words of old Ben Kanobi from Star Wars saying, "let go, use the force." I then take a deep breath and still the mind as best I can and then focus on something else. Letting go is the hardest part. I find that I let go only to be holding it again. I drop it and then I look down later and again it is there. It plagues me and will not leave me alone. It enters my dreams of both day and night. Let go and move on toward a day that is real and unimagined.
07/28 Direct Link
Time the ever present experience. I watch the river as it moves down gradient. It is moving like the second hand of the clock, ticking away. I watch as the water flows by in its never ending dance with the features that surround and direct it downslope. The tears of man and woman flow. I am struck that I will not forget her and the choices that were made. I wonder if I will be able to forgive her. Let her go and move into the river to be carried from this darkness into better lights of beauty and love.
07/29 Direct Link
Today here now in this moment I sit and write these words. I am present to the fact that I am sitting here at this table often and I have even written of this already. I cycle in the pattern that is safe. I dream of a more fulfilled life. I make little if no effort to create that better life. I do only what I must to get by and rarely do I push the bounds. They might break and then I would feel the pain again. I do not like the pain. I do not want the pain
07/30 Direct Link
What does it mean to say no. To stand up and speak your peace. Does it mean that you do not care, or that you have had enough. I am not sure I do know that I am working to find my peace, and to find my place in all of this craziness. Looking toward the sky I say no I am not going to give in and let myself be pushed forward. I do not like the feelings that arise from within and I must be strong and I must have faith. I stand for the peace of time.
07/31 Direct Link
The Last Entry
Four months of placing words upon the screen Placing thoughts, loves and fears. The circle of life spins. It spins the Earth around the Sun and its axis. It spins the web of the spider and the web of our minds. The cycle of life brings and takes the joys and fears of this existence. I now step into a new space and I welcome the experience and hope that you will join me. I hope that you accept me for who I am and the way that I am. I prey that you never hurt me.