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No matter how long you've been blogging, there's still a lot more to learn. This I realized in an ironic sense as I happened upon this 100words thingie because I haven't been blogging in recent years. I've been wanting to write though, but I seem to have no reason. The fact that Twitter and Facebook and all other networking sites have totally linked everything together makes my attention span and so are the thoughts in my head whittle away. Microblogging also seemed to have hindered me from understanding my own solitary truths. This lack of introspection is kind of alarming.
First day of new term. This brings new hopes and new fears. We got new set of students, new programs, new people to deal with, new contact points from the head quarters. New brand of stresses included.
Oh yes, Operations is a never ending job. Putting in structures in place so that the people can able to settle in successfully is an exciting but undeniably a draining process. I am not complaining. I just feel like after wrapping up the old term and getting on to the next, the world changes dramatically and so does my life.
Conflict and confrontation at work is not easy. Some cannot handle it, some dread it. I, for one, only settle it with people who matter, and with those whom I consider worth keeping as friends. By friends I mean colleagues who have proven their honestly and worth. Disarming disagreeable minions takes a lot of energy. Yes, work to me is work. If you are half-jackass half-baboon, then I'll let you live the way you are. As long as your substandard work does not get in the way of my people and my territory, I am fine with that.
If September will be as good as it says it will, "wake me up when September ends" will not be necessary. I'd love to stay wide awake.
It's going to be a busy month for me, but I'll call it productive rather than busy. Being busy doesn't mean doing all the things thrown at you, but the ability to ignore the junks and focus on what's important.
I have a scheduled trip to Thailand on Saturday, a long-planned weekend getaway but the return flight has to be cancelled because of work.
Oh well... hello, sleep!
Observing other people falling plainly into a crab mentality.
“Hatred is like a long, dark shadow. Not even the person it falls upon knows where it comes from, in most cases. It is like a two-edged sword. When you cut the other person, you cut yourself. The more violently you hack at the other person, the more violently you hack at yourself. It can often be fatal... and very dangerous. Once it has taken root in your heart, hatred is the most difficult thing in the world to shake off.” ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
I think I hurt S when I hit him on the shoulder. My way of saying hi. I was too delighted I chanced upon him before he left. Been so busy and didn't get to see him often. Not that it's important but I just thought that a day isn't complete without hellos and smiles.
So I hit him like six times, but he just stood there doing nothing, looking at his reflection, and mine too, on the mirror. Then when I stopped, he said that his sister's stronger than me.
Hmm.. I guess I'll do "hello" harder next time.
Earlier today I was torn between flying to Bangkok or just staying home to catch up some sleep. My flight's schedule is still at nighttime, so I was just laying there browsing on my phone letting the minutes go by. Feel really stressed out. With all the drama and too much stuff to deal with at work, I couldn't think straight to even get up, measure coffee and start the day. When the noon rolled down and I finally decided to "go" coz it's weekend anyway, I realized I don't have my passport with me. It's in the office!
Sunday. So I woke up with what-should-I-do-now moment. I'm supposed to be on a trip today!
No matter how whirlwind-like my weekend getaways are, they're all worth it. I could imagine myself strolling around Bangkok getting on the trains and see how the city is connected. I see myself taking pictures at Nongnoochu botanical garden. I may even be tilting my head like crazy to attempt different angles of the shapes and landscapes made out of green palm tress. I could get myself absorbed in nature amidst the flowers and the winding paths...
Okay, I better hit the gym!
I need a joyride right now.
It's amazing how your heart can actually easily adapt to loneliness. And this, I think, need to be shaken away. Right away!
That pull of eager passion of such a confession to an empty space rather than with another human being, who in turn may make you more confused. The same way as the wind can blow away clouded logic, it can help you think over thoughts from emotions, and overcome that painfully obvious confusion.
So remotely powerful. I still don't understand why it is okay to hold on.
S: "Why are you very near there (elevator door)?"
Me: (Just looked at him and smile)
Me: Uhm... good.
I know it is me who act weird and distant. But deep within I feel like he's drifted away. The eye contact is gone.
It's for the better. Life is better off without any distractions. And I'm convinced I'm dead inside. Although it feels like hell, I think this is something I do just to feel human. And the possibilities of feeling human are far from being exhausted every time he's around.
Ateh Delma, my cousin who's in London right now, and I were on Skype for over an hour. It's kind of tiring talking nonstop and it sounds crazy but it made sense.
Catching up with people who matter in our lives, relatives and friends alike, is something worthwhile doing.
Days pass so quickly, they melt into weeks, and those weeks turn into months. Without you knowing it, it's time to replace the desk calendar. My life obviously revolves around work that I forget to live life. And my cousins's call is a reminder that I've been overdoing it.
So this is still what my cousin has told me about me getting married, or at least getting a boyfriend. She reminded me how I was always treated as
the small kid
when we were kids. I was the last choice to be part of a team during playtime, mainly because I was small. I couldn't hit a ball. I couldn't jump high enough to win. I couldn't aim or even draw a straight line. I was younger. Now, it seems like she's pushing me to be not that small girl anymore. Oh, life!
Last night I took the air-continuous bus. If you've experienced commuting by public transport in Manila, you'd know what I mean. They're not crowded. At least not as those with AC or the MRT. They're fast. They swerve a lot, like those cars in racing games. With the windows open, the wind blew gusts of wind into my face that were much like a caressing shower-bath.
Although it's just a short distance, it turned out better than when I took a cab. That damn pride working its way out of my rational self was somehow blown with the wind. It's such a joyride.
"The heart wants what it wants. Oxygenated blood, usually."
Enough sleep indeed works wonders. We all love it, especially when waking up refreshed from a great night's sleep.
The past weeks has been a bummer for me. With only 2-3 hours shut-eye at most, it's stressful and kinda alarming. That kind of lack of sleep that manifests on how your brain works, how you feel the strain in your lungs with the way you breathe, and how you manage to get away from the stresses restlessly pursuing your mind all day at work. So thankful for the weekend!
It's been raining very heavily all day. It made a difference though that I was able to jog earlier before it decides to cry a river. I woke up at 4:00 AM. Bet that's something worth documenting... err, marking off the calendar and writing as a status message on Facebook or tweeting to sleepyhead people I know.
Jogging before the dawn breaks a couple of hours in the drizzle is such an experience. The light rain in the face and on the shoulders feels refreshing. I love the weekends!
Monday. A new day for the new assistant. The exit of the one she replaced was unsettling. I chose not to care. Really. I can only do so much for someone who grew discreetly arrogant and became inefficient with work during her last weeks of stay. If only she was honest enough. And if only she's not surrounded by people who are like crabs in a bucket. Who to blame? No one. It's time to move on and start another day. No one is indispensable. It's a sad truth, but we're in the working world. Accountability has to come first.
I saw the world given to a love entity. I was given the world, too, except it's different. So I've decided to stop looking towards you, but I keep reverting to doing just that. It's so strong it seems to have its own life.
I may be tremendously sad because of the fact that it's not permissible, but I mask it well. All my selfish acts are a result of my overly dramatic self and sense of imagination. But you know what? I'd choose you over anyone or anything right now, even it would mean praying to a different God.
Today was about talk and food. Pasong ang songpyeon. Leaning in and smiling. History and feelings. Of course my favourite was you talking and asking about Korean Chuseok holidays and rice cakes. It was more of trying to reconnect and getting rid of that awkwardness between us. Maybe it's just me. But man, I missed those shy smiling eyes catching mine. Your face was close. So close I could die. I have no reasonable justification other than simply a strong feeling. Haram as it may seem, but it's there for reasons I couldn't explain.
P.S. I love your voice.
There are times when you are down, but you know that none of your girlfriends can make you feel better. The only one whom you want to be with is the man who cares for you. He looks at you. He says nothing. He gives you a quiet reassurance. His silent presence is the most comforting moment. But nothing is more world-wrecking when you are already
in that moment
and then your girlfriends suddenly appear. Because they are girls, they thought you need to talk and vent out, not knowing they shatter your world even more.
It will take what it takes. Sometime forever. A shift happens when you fall hard. Once you've had your heart broken, romantic or otherwise, nothing can change that. It is you who change. Even when you get involved with someone else. You cannot undo the feelings. You settle for another kind of love. Or friendship. Or relationship. It is up to you whether or not you risk yourself again for that kind of pain and disappointment. You build walls. To protect you. To play safe. But what a price. Most of the time. No passion.
I want to cry, but I couldn't. What's wrong with me?
I've asked this same question to Victor. He just answered, "What's wrong? Hope you feel better!"
Short. Crisp. Honest comforting words. They are like a sincere tap on the shoulder. No nonsense sugarcoated know-it-all explanation or analysis of what you're going through.
Just as how a slight nudge can sway delicate balance of things, sometimes all you need is a short answer and honest wishes to help you point back to where you got derailed and pick yourself up. You gotta be tougher than life's drama.
The rain won't stop me running. In my dream, I've carefully prepared my pink sneakers making sure that I won't change mind and wear a different pair when I wake up. I was also wondering what color of socks would best go for them. In my dream, the book that I was reading before sleep fell on the right side of the bed, and I just let it fall. In my dream, subconsciously, the light that I failed to turn off was like a 10-o'clock daylight kept nudging me to get up, so I got up. It's a rainy 4:30 AM.
You asked, "Are you free?"
I asked back, "When?"
And you answered, "For the rest of your life."
That's what I remember from last night. And so I woke up thinking of you, and trying not to. It has been a habit. Every day. You make me laugh. You tease me. You make me smile. You ignore me. You annoy me. You have a lot of ways that are rather confusing. Oh! You have hair in your arms that are nice to see. They are nice to touch, too. But what am I to you? Nothing but a trap.
My hand feels heavy and I wonder if I’ll be able to put ideas into words fast enough to still make sense. My head is full. So full that I couldn't concentrate. I wish to relax my back against a lazyboy until my eyes come into sharper focus. Nothing like having your lungs full of stuff which isn't oxygen. So okay, there's work. And there's a lot of it. Business trips always mean more work. Plans are breaking apart. Every. Single. Day. They are like rainbows being chased upon, only to go home empty. It's a cycle. Neverending.
I always thought that there's something about the world that fit together perfectly. But this does not hold true when you're listening to Imagine. The song somewhat brought me into thinking that the world is indeed a chaotic place - different religions, concept of heaven and hell, need for greed and hunger. Some fear having feelings for anyone who does not believe as they do. I've never really thought though that any sort of utopia is truly possible. I'd rather imagine a realistic world where everyone can tolerate each others' beliefs and opinions.
Recent news about the violent siege in Zamboanga makes Mindanao on the anxiety once again. People got captured and wounded. Innocents were held hostages. People are banned from travelling to that lovely place. Reading about all these makes me feel bad not only for the civilians being affected, but for the root of it all. Mindanao only receives media attention on issues such as this. It seems like it's nothing but sort of a flat surface that expands to nowhere with records of political standoffs, conflicts, and killings. And it's about "the Muslim" all over again. It's just sad.
Tired. My body weary. The sleepless nights and crazy extended stay at work in the past weeks has taken its toll. Really. I am officially ill. Barking like a seal and I couldn't wait for this Friday to be over. I sent some crazy, or rather awkward, messages, too, to the movie star. Too late to take them back. I know I can get busy and forget that he's just a few floors away, but sometimes when I get the chance I make a spectacular fool of myself. Oh God, why does he have to be devastatingly handsome?
So this is it! Woke up in a room that felt like covered with snow. My joints seemed to be fighting me. My head was clouded up from the neck with nose clogged and runny. And I swear I could die from this funny cough right now.
I exaggerate but you get my drift.
It's past noon. I've missed a birthday party I promised to attend. Though I could do with some soup right now, it could have been a lot different if staying in bed for the entire day is a choice I'd love to do.
you'll be able to tackle all other activities better. In my case, today is laundry day. I'm mentally bouncing back after an illness but doing the laundry is sisiw. I couldn't let go of the weekend just like that. Next week's going to be crazy again.
After the sleeping-beauty-like nap I had the entire day yesterday, it amazes me how a dream can be fragmented. I managed to continue scenes from one chapter to the next. This may be a manifestation of something but it's cool nonetheless.
Thanks September for a sweet month together. You shaped up to be one of this year's most unforgettable. Beginning tomorrow, I wish to focus. I was bedridden last Saturday because of the flu. The crazy weather is there to blame, but I think stress has contributed to it, too. A weekend wasted. So last night, I've made plans of going out of town every Saturday. That's what people do if they want to accomplish something. In my case, I would like to breathe. Although making plans is far easier than getting things done, at least there's a plan. I'll take that for now.
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