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I can not believe it. I missed the first day of the month. After an entire afternoon spent writing I started watching football and then there was a low sugar event. Then, there were pancakes and bacon for dinner. After that it was time for more football. It was a pretty good game but the favorite team lost. I also spent a lot of time on my laptop with the newish cell phone in my hand. Have been trying to get it completely configured. I might have crossed the line from usability to obsession. I can not have it all.
The little bitch of a head cold or sinus infection or whatever it is, is back. I am not enjoying it in the least. There is pressure behind my eyes. There is pressure in my cheeks below my eyes. There is pressure in my ears. My nose is stuffed up. My head aches. My throat is scratchy. I sniff and sneeze almost constantly. Did I mention that I am uncomfortable and not the least bit happy about my current physical situation? I did call my doctor’s office today to see if I could get in. They wait-listed me.
My crying face in your hands, wet palms lose their grip on reality, I slip from your grasp like I was never there. My cliché life can only exist for so long before my bluff is called and I am exposed for what I am. The owner of my grief tightens her hold on my pain. I try to escape from the scene before I am further damaged. I am blocked by my own body reaching for the exit. I am occupying the only safe space that existed. I was going so well. My head of steam has cooled considerably.
I am in recovery from you. There is no program that I can go to that would come close to giving me closure to what we used to have. A twelve step program could not come close to providing me the support I need. I need to know where I go to get over you. I need to know who I go to, to make me forget you, to erase every memory that I have of you. I need someone who will drill into my skull and scrape every last trace you were ever connected to me in any way.
What is going to happen is going to happen, just be sure it does not happen to you. And so, it happened to me, twice, but in two different forms. Was it because I let down my guard? Did I let it happen both times? Was there anything I could have done to prevent either from taking place? This is something I wrestle with on a regular basis. If there was something, anything, to be done, I would like to think that I would have done it. It is too late now for me to do anything except, go on.
Rage has always been something that I am afraid of. It has also been something that I am good at. I will not say that I excel at it because I try my best not to use it, if I can help it. It scares me when it comes from me as much as if it came from someone else. Most of the time, I am not present when I am raging. That does not mean that I am not physically there but that I am not there mentally. Expressing rage means that I am psychotic, I do not remember.
It was at that very point I knew that you were the one for me. I mean, who else could I possibly choose? Who knows me better than I know myself? No one. When I wake in the middle of the night, who can whisper in my ear and soothe me back to sleep? No one. Who can walk a few miles with me and then join me in the shower? No one. Who can make me my favorite dinner and desert, then clean up the kitchen while I watch the game? No one. Who can be me? Just me.
I wish I had thought about that when I was recovering from mine. I figured that I was supposed to get back to who I was as soon as possible. If I had only known, maybe I would not be where I am right now. I have been trying so hard, over the past four years, to return to some semblance of a life I once knew. I should be learning to embrace the life that I am living now. Where do my current life and my new life marry up? How do I find that all important middle ground?
My new pone, well I have had it almost a month now but considering how long I had the previous one, this one is new. Anyhow, this phone is cool. I can wave my hand over and it glows with the time, calls, texts and battery. All without logging in. Just the facts man. It does the usual stuff, calls, email, text messages, internet, but it also lets me manage my router when I am here at home. It is a media center, I can play Netflix and YouTube. I can Skype and record my blood sugar, I love it.
I have to get back to my regular life where I slept until noon and was up until two. This damned sinus infection has not been any help, my sleep is being interrupted all night. I am tired in the day time too. I have been doing a lot of writing and sometimes it seems to help… at least where the Bipolar is concerned. I am, however, getting a little concerned that I am coming to rely on the “likes” and the “follows” to keep my spirits up. I am not writing for others after all it is for me.
I have been doing some reading about forgiveness, letting go, being happy, more in that vein, for some time now. I thought that I was getting something out of it, that I was beginning to understand what I needed to do, what I needed to say, how I needed to behave, to get where I needed to be. While writing my previous post, it was obvious to me that I had not been following the advice I had read, more precisely, I was just ignoring it. One very good website that I read frequently is “Marc and Angel Hack Life”.
That time in my life has also been my biggest blessing. I know it sounds impossible that someone could go through all that and be thankful for it. That is the way I look at it the majority of the time. The thing that has been the biggest blessing is the people that I have encountered on my journey. Nurses, doctors, lab techs, counselors, therapists, members of support groups, bloggers, with few exceptions, have all been incredibly helpful, very supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever met. Those people alone have been some of the biggest blessings.
My docs suggested that a urinary tract infection was partly or wholly responsible for the psychotic break of a few years ago. They said that it was possible the infection was interfering with the Effexor I was taking. Or, the infection had somehow been running roughshod over my mental well being. Whichever the case may be, I am being very cautious with the sinus infection that has been plaguing me for the past couple of weeks. Tomorrow, I will start my second round of antibiotics. Whatever bug is running around inside my head, hopefully this round will be its last.
What I have to keep remembering is that the past is gone; it does not exist anymore or anymore or anymore and so on and so forth. I have to keep remembering that there is nothing I can do about anything that happened back there, no amount of penance can serve as payment for anything that happened in the past. The future is a different story. It starts here, it starts now. What I do today affects everything from here until the end of time. That puts a lot of pressure on me to watch my step until I die.
In the unfortunate event that you should decide to live the rest of your life without me, let me remind you that I would be completely lost without you. I will have no desire to find anyone else to love. I will be a shell of a man with nothing left inside of me to offer anyone else. You have taken everything that I am. I will in no way shape or form be able to continue living my life as a normal human being. I will completely withdraw from society, never to be seen or heard from ever again.
I hold in my hand, the ability to control everything that you are thinking, wanting, wishing or any other word that starts with “W” that means something close to desire. For instance, when I turn this dial to this mark, you will not be able to control yourself from wanting a quadruple cheese and bacon burger topped with guacamole and onions. When turned to here, you will wish that you had not taken that pregnancy test, it was a false positive and now you have told your boyfriend and mother and sister that you are pregnant only you are not.
I started to talk to her about where she would go if she had two weeks off and she answered with a very curt reply, “Hong Kong”. Then she was off waiting on other bar patrons. The majesty with which she slung those bottles of liquor around was second only to a crane taking flight from the edge of a placid pond. Her hair flowed about her shoulders, her face contorted into amazing shapes. Then she would place the drinks down on the bar as softly as if a butterfly was landing on a petal. I was falling in love.
Dream, if you will, of a bee hive. The perfect symmetry of the honeycomb, the hierarchy of the various bees. It seems so simple but in reality it is very complex. Our lives can seem that simple as well but we all know that it is not. This realization wakes you from your dream of simplicity, terrorized by the complexity of your day ahead. It seemed so easy when you fell asleep. You just had a few routine errands to run. But now everything is a mountain to climb. There is no way you will complete even a single task.
When I start to fade I only want you by my side. You will keep me from forgetting what is important. When it gets closer I only want you holding my hand. You will pull me back when I start to go over the edge. When things become darker I want your face near mine. The glow from your smile will guide me back into the light. OK, I am done with all that drivel. It looks like the TV station I was watching took a header, they have been showing the same local promo for about 3 minutes now.
For some reason I am feeling very defensive of Bipolar Disorder. Not just for my own sake but for the sake of everyone with Bipolar Disorder. As a matter of fact I am defensive of every type of mental illness or disorder. I am not sure why this is happening. I have not been out of the house much in the past few days so I have not had the occasion to run in to any harsh treatment. I guess I am being protective over something that I identify with and the group of people that share a common experience.
When you drop in on me like that I am caught off guard. How do you know that I will not answer the door in the nude? How do you know I am not having a fling with the woman across the street? How do you know I was not just diddling myself? Whatever happens, I am very happy to see you. So come on in, put down your badge, take off your coat and get yourself a beer from the ridge. Drink some more and sooner or later you will be in the mood to relax a little more.
How can I keep the dark from overcoming me? Sometimes I can feel it coming for me. If I look back at the past few weeks of writing starts and stops, it is evident that the dark has been trying to get in. I feel it a little bit. It is not as bad when I am up and doing something away from my room but then there is where the rub is. I do not feel like getting up and getting out. I want to stay and sit and watch television and write. The writing should be ok, right?
I can't say that I have never thought about committing suicide but it has been a really long time since I have. I mean, really, truly thinking about and planning ways to kill myself. Even then, I never started to go through with anything. I wouldn't be here if I had. I would have been successful. I believe that wanting and thinking and planning ways to do away with yourself change a person in a way that I'm not sure I can put my finger on. Suicidal Ideation runs low with me now. Especially at this time of the year.
Suicidal Ideation runs low with me now. I say that because every once in a while, especially while I'm driving I think "It would be so easy to end it all right now, I could pull off into that ditch or I could just take my hands off the wheel and let the car drift right into oncoming traffic." I have these thoughts whether I'm depressed, manic, or level. I think that because I have experienced stronger Suicidal Ideation, I am more prone to have these thoughts even when I'm well and not suffering from any of my Bipolar symptoms.
“I hate sponges,” she muttered to herself, quietly answering comments coming from the kitchen. Now we are all just sitting here, communing with family by staring down our smartphones in lieu of actually talking to each other. Ahhh, Christmas with the 21st century family. In the other room four of my favorites a playing Monopoly. It is 31 degrees outside, there are two or three windows open and the air conditioning is cranked up. The kitchen is pumping out heat and most of the people here are in there. Dinner has been started and I am starting to get hungry.
When I start to talk about faith many people see that as starting to talk about God. In some ways it is. But it can only be described as a non-denominational, non-attached God. There is no religion in my faith, or to put it more succinctly there is no Christianity in my faith. What there is in my faith is still up in the air. I am, however, not having a crisis of faith; I just haven not come to a point in my life where I can say what it is. I am still in learning mode.
To continue with previous subjects, namely, faith, namely how I am not sure how to define my faith, except to say that I am definitely not Christian. The entire God and Jesus doctrine does not agree with my idea of how the universe works. I wish I could say that I feel and think differently. It would certainly make things a lot easier for me and my relationship with some of my family. I do not want to do it for them; I want it to be something I do for myself. My family is definitely going to be disappointed.
My entire body is vibrating, well, from my waist down, and my arms a little. I do not know what is going on but I sure hope it passes soon, especially since I will be going to bed soon. It will definitely be hard to get to sleep while this is going on. Maybe it is the amount of caffeine I had in a short period of time. I am just sitting here, typing, in front of the WE TV “Will and Grace” Binge-a-Thon. I wish they would stop playing the ASPCA commercial. Those really get to me.
Would you look at that, tomorrow is my birthday. I am going to be over forty again. How does that happen? I was over forty last year why do I have to be that again? How do I manage to get going backwards instead of forwards? Maybe, I am moving backwards. These days I feel like I am backing into every situation I encounter. There is a constant beep, beep, beep, in my ears as I approach situations. Sometimes it is a deafening screech that curls my toes and makes me forget why I am doing what I am doing.
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me. Yaay! I am forty three years old today. There is nothing like the feeling that your life is getting shorter. I have definitely been feeling older lately. I do not know what to attribute it all to, is it my recent bout with a sinus infection? Is it the associated medications or maybe my daily medications? Damn, I just blacked out on what I was talking about. I guess old age is starting to get to me. Now I need to find my diapers.
The NEW YEAR is coming, or it is already here. I can not tell the difference. It is just the same thing over and over again. I get up, later than I wanted to, I go to the bathroom I check my blood sugar and I take my morning pills. When all of that happy crap is over, I have a bowl of cereal, put my bowl in the dish washer, then I head back to my room to see what I am going to do for the day. I do this every single day of my life without fail.
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