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12/01 Direct Link
Late October, 2012
There’s this girl in my acapella group that I’m very fond of. She was the kind of quiet girl that you could see sitting at a piano, with her silk brown hair resting on her shoulders, and her perfectly angled fingers dancing across the keys. She seemed to have some quiet confidence about her, and I found myself gravitated towards her.

Last weekend, she was thrown out of a party and onto the street where she vanished into the sea of shadows and disguised faces. I eventually went off to find her.
12/02 Direct Link
Late October, 2012
I stumbled upon her, crying on the porch, with her head down and her arms wrapped around her stomach, as if she was about to be sick. I approached her cautiously as she raised her head to look at me, with her tears still rolling down her white halloween facepaint.

I wrapped my arms around her, and she cried silently into my shoulder, sniffling loudly every few moments. I stood there whispering that it was okay, it was okay, and that she was going to be okay, until the rest of our friends arrived.
12/03 Direct Link
Late October, 2012

Every year I felt older and wiser, yet there still seemed to be progressive change whenever I looked back. In that moment I wasn’t so tirelessly infatuated as I would of been, years before. I wanted to take care of her, and I wanted to be there for her, but I realized that she wasn’t right for me in the way I wanted her to be. She was fragile, malleable, in the same ways I was, and I could see that there was no good end to any romantic relationship with her.
12/04 Direct Link
November 2012

'The Same'

I have spent
all my life
slaving away at my future
putting it together
block by block
step by step.

And I have spent
all my time
poring over books
long, silent nights,
alone
in the darkness.

But holding you
in my arms
for one night
has shattered my resolve,
kept me up for longer nights,
and kept me
wondering;
wondering
if you felt
the same.


12/05 Direct Link
December 2012
How do I see you?
I see you as a mystery,
your brown fluttering eyes,
your rhythmic heartbeats
against my chest:
the sweetest solution
that I cannot comprehend.

l see you as
fragile,
prone to danger,
your pianist-like hands
tracing circles
in fields of jagged glass.

But more importantly
is when I see you;
because
you are my last thought
before I close my eyes at night
and my first musing
on these cold mornings.
12/06 Direct Link
May 2013

Last night
I couldn’t help but smile
at everything she did,
and everything she said.

Last night,
I couldn’t help but give her
all my attention,
my time,
and the last of my dignity.

Last night,
I promised myself,
would be the last night
that I would so blindly follow her.


And the rest of last night
was spent
plotting
the many ways I would break that promise.





12/07 Direct Link
June 2013

Your hands are crossed
over your thighs;
for what I think was
discomfort.

Your pupils dilate
in your brown eyes;
what I know to hint
attraction.

Your slanted smile,
your tapping fingers,
your avert style,
and eyes that linger-


-I see none of those things,
but lips, poised;
waiting for a kiss.

























12/08 Direct Link
June 30, 2013
I wish I knew
what cold, complex schemes
bore through those piercing brown eyes
leaving me with some deep obsession
and my dark lust.
I wish I knew
what innocent confusion deep inside her
left me with a soft kiss:
thin, like the silk of the night.
I wish I knew if maybe
I saw through the bare chest
that cloaked her heart,
I’d see that she
wasn’t so different
and had the same things
going on
inside.
12/09 Direct Link
July 4th

After a beautiful night of fireworks with her friend Jeffrey, and spending time alone on my roof, I walked her down to my floor, and into the elevator. I was so distracted by how lovely she was that I barely noticed the few words we spoke, walking down the winding stairs. All I wanted to do was take her hand, lead her into my room, and kiss her hard on the lips. I wanted the comfort of holding her in my arms as I fell asleep, and to wake up with her head on my chest.
12/10 Direct Link
July 4th
As much as I wanted her to stay the night, I wanted to make sure I did things the right way. I wanted her to know that she means more to me, more than any single moment. As she walked into the elevator, she turned and looked amorously into my eyes. I had envied anything those eyes fell upon until then- I now felt sorry knowing how her eyes pulled at my heart strings. Resisting the urge to kiss her, I watched as the doors closed. Why did that kiss feel like it was so long ago?
12/11 Direct Link
July 7th
I sat down on the ground next to my bed, my legs crossed. The muffin she and I just made lay on the floor, inside its small transparent covering. I stared at it for a few moments, wondering what everything meant. Maybe it was simply a tragic flaw in me that gave every detail more meaning than it deserved. Still, I ran through the things she said and did, trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it's better that this didn’t end the way I had hoped. This is an opportunity. I can finally focus.
12/12 Direct Link
July 7th
I didn’t really want a reason to focus. I wanted to be distracted, always distracted, and I wanted her to be the distraction. But as time passed, I slowly began to feel better than I did. I didn’t feel like my happiness had to depend on whether I saw her smile that day. I held the tiny muffin in my hand, with all its misunderstood meaning and blueberries, and walked into the kitchen. Then I threw that innocent muffin as hard as I could into the trash, and walked away.
12/13 Direct Link
She inspired me to write this-

"She craved
The confidence
Of my
Deepest
Darkest
Secrets
And evasively
I whispered
That darkness
Only ever was
Perspective
Knowing that my
Deepest
Darkest
Secret
Was
a terrible weakness;
An endless captivity
Of my heart
By her hands"

-without the knowledge that we weren't alone in our pain, and that secrets are meant to be shared. And suddenly I was consumed by the foolish thought that we would save each other.
12/14 Direct Link
Billows of smoke
filled the bathroom
and I held your hands.

Two of us sat
Tangled in laughter
and I forgot the haiku
I once wrote:

"Lust is a feeling,
desire is deliberate.
I desire you."

I forgot the haiku
I once wrote and believed,
as I held your hands
on the bathroom floor.

Then suddenly the pain
came crashing back
as the waves of smoke
rose and dissipated,
and I remembered
why I wrote those words.
12/15 Direct Link
The three of us sat on Brendan's couch, a blanket stretching between us. Both of them had their eyes closed, and her head was on my shoulder. I wanted to let her sleep, but at the same time all I wanted to do was leave. And just as if she sensed that thought, she looked at me with her beautiful eyes and I had to catch myself from falling. I tore my eyes away.
"I should really go," my voice quivered, "its getting late."
I picked up my jacket, summoning all of my will to avoid her gaze.
12/16 Direct Link
The two of us sat on the concrete stairs. I told her that we couldn't be friends anymore, that it was too damn hard. She began to cry. I told her repeatedly that it wasn't her fault, and that I wished I had met her at a time in her life when she could of loved me. She began to say that it was so wrong that things ended like this, so I told her to take a week and think things through, then tell me what she wanted, knowing full well that I would need to move on.
12/17 Direct Link
We spent what I thought would be our last morning together riding a ferris wheel. It was nice being alone with her, and I was ready for goodbye. As we were leaving, she asked if I wanted to walk back together. I could tell she wanted to talk.

She told me she wanted to try things out, and told me not to expect much. I could barely hear her words, and all I saw were her lips forming the words, and all I saw were endless possibilities. All I saw was opportunity for me to bring her happiness.
12/18 Direct Link
I once broke a porcelain vase that my aunt deeply treasured. I remember telling my aunt it was broken; her pained expression left its lasting scars on the contours of my memory. As I cleaned up the pieces of the vase, I remember trying to place the pieces back together, out of curiosity and guilt. Eventually I was able to recreate some part of its fragile beauty. My aunt, who was an artist, mounted the pieces on a frame and canvas.


The next time I held anything delicate and beautiful in my hands was many years later-
12/19 Direct Link
September 2013
It was late, and my arm was numb from the weight of her body. I lay awake all night, looking out the window at the head of the bed, occasionally turning back to watch her sleeping form. Every so often I would draw her head closer into my chest. The sun was rising when she woke. The sheets rustled as her body turned, her head still nestled in my chest.“Hey,” I crooned.
She raised her head, and looked into my eyes. She smiled, and I fell into her gaze. I couldn't help but smile back.
12/20 Direct Link
October 2013
Happiness to me is a state of mind that is completely at peace with itself. It's where everything in the world feels right, and beautiful even, like they are in the right order and place. When I first began to write, I at least had a vague idea of how to pursue happiness. I had found her, and I thought that with the right decisions and an undying persistence, I could be happy. Happiness to me was the next beautiful thing on the horizon. I wonder if seeing happiness as something on the horizon caused my dissatisfaction.
12/21 Direct Link
October 2013
As of right now, I only feel lost. I no longer see that “something” on the horizon, and it leaves me feeling empty and directionless. I used to believe that I wasn't meant for happiness. That it was something for normal people who were comfortable with themselves and open with their lives. I was just fine then, and I was fine with being just fine. I felt my existence was for the happiness of others, because of my great capacity for pain. I wanted to protect those that I cared about from pain I knew too well.
12/22 Direct Link
October 2013
Things are different now. Now that I have seen this possibility of happiness, I want nothing else. I was happiest knowing I was responsible for her happiness. The worst part is that it does not matter what I want. The fact that she doesn't want the same things I do means that I will forever be in want. All I can do is continue on the path I once led, although it feels emptier now.

People say that if you love someone, you should let them go. And all I want to ask is why?
12/23 Direct Link
October 2013
I've always believed that the easiest way to get over someone is to either hate them, or find someone better. I haven't been able to do either of those things. I could never hate her, and it seems hard to believe that I could desire someone more. But in a situation like this how long do you wait? How long can I wait? And should I wait at all? All I want to do is wait, but I know that wouldn't change anything. And I don't want to forget either.


Because I love her.
12/24 Direct Link
October 2013
Lately, everything I do seems wrong to me. I'm trying hard to move on, but I just feel like I'm taking advantage of the women I've been seeing. Its not like I haven't been a gentleman either. I've taken the time to get to know these girls, but I really just don't care about them. All I wonder is if you feel my eyes on you when you look away. I keep justifying my actions by my needing it, but deep down I know that if you need to justify your actions, you're probably doing something wrong.
12/25 Direct Link
October 2013
And the whole time that I'm thinking this, I feel a bit crazy. I'm worried that I'm thinking too much, and I'm worried that I maybe care too much about this single relationship.

I can't help but wonder if I should have tried harder. Imagination goes much further than reality, after all. Maybe I'm just delusional about our entire relationship.

I was once told that “Love is the only socially accepted form of insanity”. And right now I don't know if knowing that is supposed to be consolation or an intervention.
12/26 Direct Link
November 2013

Love is short, forgetting is so long. I begin every day thinking about how the brightest flames burn the fastest. Then my mind wanders to darker places. My heart sinks, colors dull and grey. Each breath is heavier as I think about all the hearts I've broken, and how I haven't looked back. I was simply glad they were gone. There was no guilt, no concern. I just moved on. She probably wouldn't look back either. Maybe I shouldn't look back anymore. Care taken in observation changes nothing. But what is there to look forward to?
12/27 Direct Link
I wish I spent more time holding your hands,
more time looking into your eyes,
telling you how
Beautiful
And wonderful
You are.

But I could never read you
Like pages of a book
Even as I ran my hand
Down your spine
Pondering every letter
And word

Maybe I spent too much time
Reading between the lines
And I wish
I just wish
To never miss my chances again
With my head
Buried in a book.


12/28 Direct Link
Late November 2013
All of emotion is about perspective. I heard once that even jealousy is a matter of geometry.

I love her. More than I've loved anyone in my life. That hasn't changed. And because I do, I should be happy for her, no matter what she does and where she goes.

We don't deserve each other. I know that now. I didn't deserve her, because I was not capable of making her as happy as she deserved. And she did not deserve me, because she did not love me the way I deserve.
12/29 Direct Link
You're beautiful, you know.
Every bit
of your soul
is beautiful.
On some days,
I can see it
when I look into your eyes.
But you're so cautious,
and you've buried
the best of you.

I have always
loved everything about you.
Even the parts that
I didn't understand.
I don't blame you
for not loving me
more than you're able.
And I'm not disappointed.
Because I love you.
But you are just smoke,
and I need love too.
12/30 Direct Link
There is a part of me that is gone now. I don't think you know, but you carry it with you, wherever you go. You carry my old naïveté that believed in persistence and promise, and the beautiful moments that fell in between. That piece of me is yours to keep. I leave it with you, because that part of me will always remind me that I love you, and remind me of the pain that comes with heartbreak. I leave it with you, so you can never say you are ever unloved.
12/31 Direct Link
December 2013
I wonder now what is worse. I've lived my life measuring my doubts, and fearing things that have not happened. Now all I think about are my regrets. What chances have I missed? How much life is there left to be lived? How could I have good memories without making some bad ones?

Inaction creates regret, and doubt prevents action. But we will always have our doubts. Our regrets are what we have to live with. You helped me realize that. I will always treasure the time we had together. But I am moving on.