01/01 Direct Link
Traveling around aimlessly trying to find the love needed in order to grow and survive. I had a dysfunctional up bring with lack of affection. From my teens and into most of my adult life, a string of sour relationships, in hopes to find the love I so desperately want has caused my heart to break even more. On a qwest to fulfill my soul, I'm hopeful that love will be around the corner. A wise woman told me the love you seek isn't always in a man, its all around. I've been looking in the wrong places all along.
01/02 Direct Link
Different lighting can mislead. Once exposed fully you know what is really happening and just like a valuable lesson learnt, the world just doesn't seem the same. No more ruts and the everyday mundane monotony that sucks my soul dry leaving me helpless and confused to where all the time was wasted. And all for what? I am living, actually living. Traveling, having new experiences, meeting new people, trying to understand the world, how it works and what role I can play. Laughing and crying, its all the same. At least I'm getting someone where. I'm feeling, alive and free.
01/03 Direct Link
Something about the ocean has enticed me to explore and seek deeper depths. I would like to live on a live aboard sailboat so I can live simply for cheap and adapt to my environment while learning how to sail. That would be nice if I could have a partner with the same vision. Been doing a lot of surfing and spending time alone. It feels good, it feels fine. Not really too sure what to write but writing to try and formulate the habit. Excited about working on boats in the future. I'll see where it can lead me.
01/04 Direct Link
I am so thankful for everything coming my way. Adventures, a new career, a new love possibly? Started my year right by being healthy, eating right, yoga and exercise. Trying to have a positive outlook on life so I can be healthy mentally. Having a clear mind so my life can have more focus. No more smoking, drinking or eating shitty. Healthy body, healthy mind. No more negativity and more forgiving myself. I know I'm not perfect but I strive to be a better person everyday. Love, let live, step up and let go when necessary. For now I'll be.
01/05 Direct Link
Surrounded by others but still feel very alone. Been running and being active almost everyday trying to pump out endorphins and keep my mind active. I've had depression most of my life and really trying to get a handle on it as I'm getting older. Overall I want to be healthy. Maybe the healthier the happier I'll be? Maybe if I travel more, maybe if I find a love, maybe if I read more, maybe if I went to school, maybe if I had friends I felt comfortable around, maybe if I helped others around me, maybe I shouldn't worry?
01/06 Direct Link
I went on a long walk today and feel great. Roamed around town soaking up the sun and went to the Maritime Museum. Felt at home looking back on the history and artifacts. Maybe I'm making the right decision to become a Merchant Mariner. I guess I'll see when I get there, so far the journey has been great. Saw the statue of Unconditional Surrender at the park and it reminded me that there is someone out there for everyone when the moment is right. For now I still continue my journey but wonder hopefully for love to find me.
01/07 Direct Link
We are born, grow, live, fade and then eventually die. I age, memories, time, crease marks, wrinkles in my face . Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see someone I hardly recognize. Nothing that I would do different. I am here and love this tree, the sounds of the city, palm trees, people walking by, all walks of life. I feel blessed that I am experiencing the here and now. No stress, no worries, no over thinking. Feeling ok finally. Taking everything in and not for granted this is where I want to be, right here under this tree.
01/08 Direct Link
Use to be scared to be alone, now I rather enjoy being in my head, taking as much time as I can to reflect. There should be balance. Too much can drive me nuts after awhile so I distract myself through people, movies and shows. When I get bored I retreat back to the clouds. It feels comfortable and safe especially with a good book. I'm in my own world, no distractions, everything is careless. There are times I am misunderstood. People think I'm standoffish. When that comes about, I get frustrated, it hurts, retreating to what I rather enjoy.
01/09 Direct Link
I'm in love, opening up my heart again, I feel vulnerable and willing to take that risk in order to feel this feeling again. It feels good, especially with someone that is worth it. There will be times we wont be able to see each other for long periods and I'm ok with that. The anticipation will make it all that much better when I do see him. Unlike other relationships, he is bringing me closer to myself. If I get hurt I'm ok with that because it is worth it. I'm not scared of loving anymore. Thank you universe.
01/10 Direct Link
For the first time ever I'm sticking to something and not all scatter brained or off course. Spending time to myself has helped me really think what I want out of life. Simple with lots of adventure. I am happy with where I am at and where I am going. Haven't drank in ten days and feeling great. My brain can function, I can breath, no more nervousness or self consciousness. Being clear and focused is the way to be. I actually know where I'm going and doing. I'm not afraid and am self assured that everything will be alright.
01/11 Direct Link
I met a guy name David today that is staying at the same hostel as I. It was nice just roaming around the city and hearing someone else story. It feels like I've known him form some where but it could just be coincidence. He use to be a Marine but had a horrible accident while on duty and now has brain damage. His short term memory is shot but he can problem solve and absorb more information better than he did before the injury. Its amazing how the mind can work. I love to hear how other people evolve.
01/12 Direct Link
No matter what, there is always something that happens and nothing is ever perfect. Its all in my attitude in how I handle situations when things don't go as plan. As I am getting older its becoming more of an art learning how to be calm and make the best decision when things go wrong . Yeah, I've made mistakes, no use in beating myself up anymore, never solves anything. I use to get so frustrated and upset but now I actually look forward to adversity so I can figure out my way and be a stronger person in the end.
01/13 Direct Link
Started my first class today. Feels like the first day and step towards a better life. I am happy striving towards something I enjoy and can grow from. For the first time I am in the right place at the right time and I don't want to leave. I know nothing last forever and still I continue my journey. I guess I will never want to keep my feet planted or have a final destination if this is happiness for me right now. I know it will probably shift but for now I'll embrace as I go with the wind.
01/14 Direct Link
Relationships are confusing. I love him but know its not going anywhere. Prolonging it would be selfish and would hurt the both of us. We are in two different places and have our own issues we need to deal with. Its painful but need to let it go and learn to love myself. No one is going to do it for be. Besides I have found love after a broken heart before, I have faith that it will happen again. I am just going to let the universe take care of it for me. No more clinging and getting stuck.
01/15 Direct Link
Oh it hurts. It hurts dealing with someone that builds your hopes up just to shoot them down. I know I am not perfect but its unfair for someone to tell you one thing when they really mean another. I wish people were a little more up front. There would be no confusion and it would be easier to know and let it go. People suck and aren't genuine about how they really feel. Why do people have to play games? What good what that do? Why am I attracting people that do these type of things to me anyway?
01/16 Direct Link
Don't know what I should do or if my decision is wrong or right. He hurt me and I am afraid he will do it again. Want to be friends but its hard when you have feelings. Expectations get the best of me. I love him but I want to be free of all these bad feelings. Maybe I should just change the way I think instead of being all negative Nancy about it. Why do I have to be all dramatic and insecure about everything but at the same time the things he did just re-enforced the bad.
01/17 Direct Link
Everyone is happy, feeling great, everything aligning at the right rate. Its amazing how much influence we have on one another, even if it doesn't mean much to you, the little things we do can alter someone's entire world. Its even better when your aware of it but for most instances, it goes unnoticed until you're happy enough to appreciate, sit back, reflect, tracing back the series of events that lead you to the road you needed to be on all along. Your on it, its smooth sailing, you're passing, what could be next? Thus the process starts over again.
01/18 Direct Link
Its about time that there is a change. Things are always shifting and need to learn to acclimate to things that come my way. I love it here in San Diego. Can defiantly see myself living here for a couple years or so. Something about this city energies me. I no longer feel hopeless or depressed when things don't go smoothly. Maybe its the exercise and meditation, all I know is something is working. I'll visit Seattle but don't think I could live there again. I am so excited to see what is next when I get back in town
01/19 Direct Link
I left the hostel that I was staying at and was just getting into the groove of things. Love the city and the people. Glad and happy that I got to have some time to collect myself but also socialize with a diverse group of folks. The Seahawks winning also made my world even better. I feel active and involved, apart of the world, knowing where I am going and where I belong. Its still unclear but I am striving for something. For now I continue to strive towards bettering myself and wont let any distractions get in my way.
01/20 Direct Link
I am just hung over and grouchy after last nights escapades. Everyone is getting on my nerves and it seems like they are all doing it on purpose. I'm all worked up feeling emotional thinking about "him". Loving and hating him at the same time I despise him for having this much power over me. Maybe the next time I see him my feelings will dissipate? He deserves nothing from me. Starting to be over it because its to draining and too much work on my end. I will keep him around for now because I'm learning important life lessons.
01/21 Direct Link
San Diego, LA then back to Seattle again. Been so caught up with yet again another transition. I like moving around and seeing new places. I like going out my comfort zone. It teaches me about myself and other people. I defiantly recommend staying in Hostels. Especially the one I was in San Diego. Such a nice diverse bunch of people. Good vibes and energy. It was just what I needed to be where I want to be. I can see myself living there someday. For now I am still trying to get to that better place. I'm so exhausted.
01/22 Direct Link
Different strokes for different folks. As I am getting older, I don't have tolerance for being around people that make me feel bad about myself, waste my time or bring me down. Life is way to short and for the longest time I was the one always catering to others in order to feel accepted. No matter what there will always be people that either love me, hate me, think I'm awesome or weird. Like me or not, I'm going to continue to be myself. This is who I am, I'm always evolving and will love myself regardless of circumstance.
01/23 Direct Link
Nothing is never what it seems till you get the inside scoop. All jealousy and envy went out the window now that I know what I had and have. Not taking things personal, things are what they are, I can grow and let go of all the old resent that I had pent up inside me and can be happy for myself and others. Still get insecure, jealous and compare but it's becoming less the more I go my way. Having this perspective no one can take away myself respect and dignity. My anxiety is dissipating while I'm gaining confidence.
01/24 Direct Link
I don't know what to make of it but I could never live that way. Full of resentment, living a lie, slowly dying inside just to be comfortably numb. I can't let this legacy go on. Its worse than death because I wouldn't be true to myself. Never will be in the shadow of regret just to be familiarly uncomfortable. can't stand who they are, they're reflections, making me all the more willing to improve myself and be further away from them. Its sad reminders of what I need to do. This is the fuel that keeps me going ironically.
01/25 Direct Link
Apprehensive to speak to him in person, afraid it will alter everything so I expect the worst and hope for the best. I just want someone to spend my life with. So make it quick on weather or not you want to go on with it so I can get on with it with or without you. In the mean while I am trying to be the best I can, to others and to myself. Might as well make things pleasant while I am around. A quote by my friend "I want to make things better than what I found it."
01/26 Direct Link
Sometimes I wonder if people stay or pursue relationships that are unhealthy because they believe that person is or can be what they expect or want in a relationship. Do people love them for what they are so longing for in hope that it could happen or do they actually love them for who they are? I wonder how many relationships are like this in the world? That is why I don't trust when he says he loves me. I get the feeling that he is in love with the idea of being in love in hope that its me.
01/27 Direct Link
I dont know whether or not to be offended. He says he loves me and he never treated a woman as poorly as I but he is sorry and wants to make things right. I don't know if I should forgive to see if this could work out or just move on. Is it even worth it? Would this be good for me? Would I be making a mistake? I guess only time would tell, knowing that we are both in transition with our own lives. I do know that he makes me want to better myself for loves sake.
01/28 Direct Link
Family, friends, sense of humor, good health, always improving myself, giving love, doing things for others, smiling at a compete stranger, who knows....maybe if they didn't smile back it has brighten their day some, meeting you has made me a better person, see the beauty in everything, glad I was at the right place at the right time, we are right for each other right now, time to let go, only time will tell if its meant to be, enjoying these moments, letting this feeling flow through me, I'm alive, its moments like these that I'm glad I'm human.
01/29 Direct Link
Time keeps slipping by. It seems like I can never get everything done in time. There is not enough time with you even if its us being lazy doing nothing at all, its worth every moment. Even if we don't see each other again, the anticipation of it all makes me a better person. I realize now that we all need somebody. We all need some love. I am so thankful that I'm feeling it again, that I've grown and willing to let go. For so long I was disconnected from the world, now it feels welcoming, new and fresh.
01/30 Direct Link
I'm feeling a little over whelmed. Grandma is doing alright but its obvious her Alzheimer's is getting worse. Its sad but its the circle of life. I've grown to except this over time. For the lack of what my family has giving me I've gained in the friendships with others which makes me feel blessed. I found my love in other ways through other people. Its foreign but I feel a whole lot better than i did when I was trying to develop close relationships with my family. It doesn't feel so unnatural. Relationships meant to be shouldn't be forced.
01/31 Direct Link
Children annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable at times. Yeah they're cute but when they start acting up I don't know the best way to approach it they are not my kids and can't discipline them. I don't have a lot of patience and get easily frustrated. I don't know if i would like to have children or not. Its such a big responsibility and there is so much I want to see and adventures i would like to take. Over all i get frustrated by people and everyone around me at times. I like to be alone mostly.