My heart: a prism of desires My life: scattered into pieces I have learned that I cannot multitask: I cannot earn a living for a family And live the life I dream about So what am I going to do? Just get going, I suppose Life, Take me to the mountain peaks where Ozone kisses Vacuum Throw me backwards into history and let us chase the rising sun Help me connect the wires and screws and cogs that light up our screens Cover me in words, Marquez, Tagore, Auden let’s go Let’s go Let us go!
February is a good month to begin this journey. Less days. Has this
been observed before? I have got a plan. An ambitious one. What is any journey without a
fearsome challenge? A "damned if I do, damned if I don't" scenario? We are
humans, after all. We only know how to be damned. My goal: Twelve batches, one whole year's worth I am providing myself a little leeway by not confining it to
continuously one year, but this year will be hugely interesting so it ought to
be chronicled. One hundred words is really not that hard.
I am in the deep end, head over water. I have to find a way
to swim to the surface. "Patient is hyperglycemic. 10 units of insulin." "Get him an
XLap." "Are we using Modified PennState?" "What’s the SIMV?" "Patient has a
right femoral line placement." Get me out of here. My preceptor says one student fell into quicksand. That is not
going to happen to me. I am dreading tomorrow, but my brain is so
tired. Just a few more equations, a few more web searches, a few more notes on
the readings... "Do not go gently..."
I dreamt about this married man in my community. He was
haunting my subconscious, and now my dreams have released my emotions. Emotions
with nowhere to go. Do we all enjoy falling for people we can't have? Is it an
acquired taste, something that grows as your past relationships end in
dissatisfaction? Is it a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about this
unwarranted dissatisfaction? In any case, I think we can all agree that too
many people are sexy. I blame P for such
tastes. And my Stats professor. Only time will tell how fucked really I am.
Tomorrow is the last day that he is around me for a while.
The attention of beautiful people can be... intoxicating. I had forgotten,
confined by school, work, and a relationship, what it is like to
spend so much time around an attractive guy without being able to kiss him.
That sounds ridiculous. Of course it is difficult. But why? Everyone succumbs
to their ids, but me? Surely not me. My (ex)-boyfriend came on to me tonight. His
heart pounded so loudly that I held him tighter just to feel it on me, this
amazing yet miserably foreign sensation.
What a week. Fake it till
you make it is not my preferred method of learning. I don't know how these
people working in the ICU can be happy surrounded by dying patients. It
does make you feel important though. I am exhausted. I go home
and sleep. I had four patients today. I
spent 3.5 hours on assessing their nutritional needs, and I still do not know
if my recommendations were right and helpful. The resident sped through my
Progress Notes, modified them, and moved on before I could understand. This
confusion is the most tiring thing.
Five years of being in devoted relationships, for me, has
equated to five years of girlfriends taking a back seat in my life and me
taking a backseat in theirs. I need girlfriends. I think I always will. Given,
I do have one best friend, but she will never come back home. She is destined
for bigger cities, bigger things. So I must start looking, especially now that I’m moving back
home. If only there was an eharmony for female friends. I’d pay money for that. And I hope I never deny myself time for close
"I think this goes without saying, but I want to make love
to you. Here, now, as we speak. Moment after moment, unforgiving, unrelenting,
unending. My mind is there already, all that is left is you, is this. I can
feel you. Let me feel you!"
Said Guy of Gisborne to Maid Marian in my fan-fiction
version of Robin Hood. This is what happens when you tap into another person’s
desire to overcome the incredible lack of your own.
"Marian… say something…"
My childhood was the worst part of my life, by a landslide. Have you ever lost an entire batch of your inner circle, your family, without being able to make sense of it? My ex's dog cries and claws at the door when my ex leaves. It used to drive me insane.
It would be that the age when I am looking my best is the age
when I am so wrapped up in trying to make it that I cannot enjoy what remains
of this youthfulness.
I just heard my neighbor sneeze! I did not realize that the walls are so thin!
Or he so silent otherwise. I am not! I guess I should turn down my music!
Especially since I loop the same song about twenty times. Present obsession:
Viceroy Remix of Biggy’s Going Back to Cali. It reminds me that warmth and
sunlight exist somewhere in this world.
"Memories made in the coldest winter…"
I listened to 808s and Heartbreak yesterday because I wanted
something Shakespearean. Enough of this candied American romance! I could
listen to this album all day, every day. Oh, Kanye, you sore winner and
beautiful loser, you. You Iago. You Shylock. You Caliban! If Shakespeare could
meet one famous person in all of history, he might pick Kanye West. But how does it
feel to be able to write only one character? With no storms and tidal waves to
brave, have you lost your beauty?
Thank God for the coldest winters that made you.
When a man enchants me the way cellos enchant me,
I will know that I have found it. Music often moves me, but string instruments
are unearthly. How does such a gift float into this tiny world? It belongs in
the infinite. Under the notes of Kaze no Toorimichi, the stars connect to one another,
and every star winks, blinks, and showers down on us. Fears disappear. Years equal
moments equal centuries, and the only absolute truths are the emotions that swell
in my heart. Heaven must be the most beautiful piece of music I could hear
extending on forever.
My friends threw a surprise going away party for me last
night. I am surprised to find that I love them. And they care for me? Crazy. I deeply
love my (ex)boyfriend. Even though the party was tiring for all of us, being in
the middle of the week, they were all there, in good spirits, sticking it
through. And my dear B… I almost cried when I hugged him at the end of the
night. Our relationship may have been a dead end, but our friendship has
blossomed into something possibly, hopefully invincible, or so I tell us both.
I saw a patient in a body bag today.
One of the dieticians said dying patients start to look towards
the lights. She showed me. The patient, otherwise mentally absent, lying on the
bed with his mouth parted, stared with unseeing eyes at the tube lights. The next
day, I saw him staring out the window. “We like to say that they're going
towards the light.” But what if it is the opposite? What if our bodies send us
backwards in the tunnel… to the darkness? And that is why we strive towards the
light. Our last attempts at living.
Eyes and mind: Numb. Music flows through a hollow head. "And
when I touched her skin/ My fingers ran with blood." My ex(b) got me into True
Detective. Dat intro music, tho.
Great show. Need to cook chicken. Finished my paper on
enteral nutrition in Crohn’s. With a focus on lipid composition! "And the wind
will be my hand." My B and I are like Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. He
makes me more normal, and I try not to discuss my dark thoughts. But what if we
find warmth in sunlight because our soul knows darkness?
Wasted entry: check.
Don't tell me it's nothing. Don't tell yourself it's nothing
because every time you do, your mind is thinking "something" and your nothings become a label for the somethings you wish they weren't.
Similarly, do not get defensive. That shows your guilt if nothing
else did. So it looks like I know. I might not know. What are you getting so defensive about?
Your realness does not change my idea of your goodness. I
already know you're flawed. Surprise! So am I! But your dishonesty makes you fear me and that pisses me off. I do not deserve your sudden anger.
Authority fears dissention. Eve in the Garden is a tale
to villainize rebellion so that those who speak against religious authority are
charged as the Devil's cronies. To be punished.
But every thesis needs an antithesis. Thank you, Hegel, for
making this into a dialectic. Every voice needs a Devil's advocate, and every
Devil's advocate needs its own antithesis.
Hegel's dialectic is my only hope for mankind, this idiotic species that,
like a hydra, forms ten ugly heads where you have cut off one. Every fight is
Sisypus pushing the boulder up the hill. No use in being a vigilante.
Yesterday's submission was a reflection on the
crimes in True Detective. A reflection on human cruelty. Why do we call it
inhumanity when humans are the only animals capable of such tortures? Why not
call it… oh, I don't know… humanity? Do other creatures degrade and sexually assault
their young? No, humans are the festering assholes of this planet, and we all
know it. Makes my skin crawl. But I have plans for fighting back! First, money
and job security. Next, joining a group to fight poverty and build education. Doing
my little part to help this fucked up mess.
Fear is finally freezing me. This tends to happen at the end
of things, and this is month has been rough. I never want to step foot in that
hospital again, but two more, never-ending, bone-tiring days await me. Exam on
Friday, paper and presentation Thursday, packing to move, five patients per
day, writing my first consult note tomorrow. But the worst part is… that my
time in this city is up. I thought I would be overjoyed, but my joy is dampened
by losing so much at once. B, his dog, my friends. Every silver lining has a cloud.
I called him The Stats Professor of My Dreams. Not to his face.
Taking roll, he mispronounced my name. "It's spelled wrong. Ever
thought of correcting it?" The fuck?
Sometimes people cry when they get yelled at or made to feel stupid, but I did
not cry all month. Then, today, a
nurse makes fun of Indians, and I decide to put my foot down. I told the
dietician on my team that I was offended. I should have just addressed him. I had
hoped she would just mention it to him later. Instead, she gets upset, speaks to
him, and he gets upset and apologizes to me profusely. Facing him, somehow, hit
a nerve. I forgave him, of course, but then I ended up crying behind the stairs.