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BY Lipikar

03/01 Direct Link
Under pressure. I can't tell when this pressure will end, but I am back home now, and moving day is complete. Much is left to be unpacked, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. This month, I am taking electives in Cardiology and Pediatrics. I already have readings in both classes to complete by Monday. Fortunately and unfortunately, this also marks my first day back at home with my parents. I have not lived with them since I was eighteen. We do not know how to live with each other anymore. But I save money and get free food.
03/02 Direct Link

I love my home city. These three years away have only reaffirmed this love. When my dad was driving us back yesterday, he took us through a new highway, built while I was away, because "even in the winter, you get to see this." Rolling hills and valleys, dipping and overlapping, various shades of blue folding over an unseen horizon. I may not have been born here, but these are My hills. When I brought B and his dog here, his dog would put two paws on our highest windowsill and stare into these hills. Even he felt their wonder. 

03/03 Direct Link

It seems to me that our story begins and ends with emotion , but emotion is the hidden substance that everything else takes pains to delineate. Emotions are what link us, separate us, and define us. What authenticate our existence. Breaking down the emotion of a moment seems to be tougher than untangling a clump of thread. And possibly, probably, impossible. Is it not easier to describe the   actions , in highest detail, that lead up to, through, and beyond the emotion? To carve at the concrete, negative space as a way to capture that which may be beyond our descriptive grasp.

03/04 Direct Link

Every day, I wonder: Is this the day I will ask B to make our break-up facebook official? I go to the phone and then put it down. He is still my best friend. But if we do not move on, how will we ever find other people? It feels like severing a tie with a family member. Worse, like cutting yourself away from your conjoined twin. Will we continue this partnership until it becomes too much of a joke? Our friends know. They must be wondering what we are waiting for. But this is how many people know us.

03/05 Direct Link

Tornadoes, according to pop fiction, can take you to other worlds: The Wizard of Oz. Donnie Darko.

Tornadoes are one of my recurring dream themes. Watching F1s in a row or driving towards one horizontal and hourglass shaped or a massive F5. A few nights ago, I dreamt of one suspended right above my head, not turning, just hanging. I peered inside to find a wormhole. Seeing the tornado suspended, I assumed its machinery was broken. I pulled it down to get some blue sky, but this sudden movement caused a drastic shift in weather patterns, creating a new one.

03/06 Direct Link

My grandpa passed away tonight. My mother is crying, and I feel at a loss for what to do.

When he was young, a seer gave his family three prophecies: that he would inherit nothing, that his son would become a monk, and that he would live for 84 years. Tonight fulfilled the last one. All three prophecies came true. He was supposed to inherit land and a title, but India's independence brought the end of feudal systems. My uncle, his only son, was supposed to be the family's breadwinner. And he was less than a month from turning 85.

03/07 Direct Link

In class, I thought, "Did I have a nightmare recently?" Emotions from nightmares can wash over me before I remember the storyline. But class was the dream, and I drove back to the reality.

Too much talk of this. Everywhere. Too much thought of this already.

I remember him writing a humorous poem called Hypocrite. When everyone else dies, he wrote, only one person is lost. When I die, the whole world will disappear. So how am I not the most important person?

I wish I had known him.

Has he seen me, from above, not shed a single tear?

03/08 Direct Link

I cannot believe my grandma complained to my parents about my singlehood!

Over the phone, she says, "You have a duty. Do you remember what you promised me?"

"To marry."

"I will not die until you get married."

"Then I'll delay that day as much as possible!"

 "Listen. Everyone has a limit. A limit!"

My bad. This isn't a joke?

My father takes the phone. He attempts to quiet her but gets an earful instead.

"She has to uphold her promise!"

"She will when she finds someone she loves."

"I will wait a year."

"You can't determine the time!"

Lordy.

03/09 Direct Link

"Jete tomay debona."

"I won't let you go."

During mourning, singing can become an elevated form of wailing. How can something sung so sweetly sting the heart like a blade and bring forth emotions I did not know existed in me? Our hearts are these giant, never-ending reservoirs of pain and sadness. I could cry a million times, and there would still be tears left.

But I guess there will always be laughter too. Even in her immense misery, my mother has laughed with me. "You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep spring from coming." Come soon.



03/10 Direct Link

The lyrics were, "the demon inside", but I heard "the edema inside." This morning, I dreamt that a patient had impossibly low glucose, and I freaked out when I discovered that she didn't get a rescue D50W dose. Am I missing last month's rotation? Would be a GOOD thing. In class, I impressed the professor with my knowledge of hyponatremia. Unfortunately, I got super awkward when she smiled at me at the end of class. She's a big shot, and attention from the mighty frightens me. Like suddenly having Sauron's eyes upon you. Please, I am but a lowly hobbit!!

03/11 Direct Link

Sauron's EYE. Ack. Typos. Ack. Whyyy no edit button?

Clear the air for cucumbers! Lemon scented merengue slipping along the palisade. And splash! Into the deep abysmal!  Light your fingers upon my lips, my cold and dark conundrum. Sashay sashay and shiver me timbers, tickling our forget-me-nots. Ohhh grande odalisque, ovalicious ovaltine. Crane your throat, elongulate. Sing the words your momma gave you! Light the giggles that light the load and whisper forth into your grave. Goosebumps are the stuff of legends, Jason Schwartzman in a cave.

My interpretation of a Wes Anderson 100 words - well, 79 but you know.

03/12 Direct Link

Little sounds can bug me; big sounds can drive me up the wall. I have never, so badly, wanted to hit a couple of birds. At 5:15am, I awoke to the loud, cacophonic chirping of two, one probably small breasted by the short, high pitched bullets that hit my ears, and the other a louder, steadier, probably normal sized, demon. It did not end! Five AM is when I am supposed to be getting REM sleep, but there I lay in bed, waiting, devising evil ways to throw them out of the tree. If this continues, I might just try.

03/13 Direct Link

"So you want to play with magic?"

We saw the house on a News special about old neighborhoods in midtown. The camera scanned over it, but it had a turquoise door, and Katie knew where it was.

"Let's check it out!"

So we did. It stood on the slope of a hill, four storied, squeezed in between a full row of houses with the same design. We parked on the gravel across the street, the others talking excitedly, and they half ran, half skipped to the door. Sam knocked, shushing them, and turned the knob. Unlocked. He opened the door.

03/14 Direct Link

I was the last to step inside, but my new friends were too excited to notice my caution. Upon entering, I stepped into a narrow hallway with shiny hardwood floors. My fingers grazed the thin cherry-wood table on my right, looking at nothing, hearing them run into other rooms. A soft breeze touched my neck from the open door behind me, but I moved forward, pulled by… not excitement, nor curiosity. By the quietness of the rooms above me. I turned to the stairs and walked up. It seemed like every room in this house was lit. Had anyone noticed?

03/15 Direct Link

Someone crashed into someone else, and they both broke into giggles. I stopped to listen, wanting to go back down to meet them. It sounded like they were looking at a bookshelf full of unusual objects.

"This stuff is amazing."

"We could sell it and make a lot of money!"

"Shhh! We're not going to sell it!"

"But the moneeey! Moolaahs! Moo-laah-laahs!"

"Shut up!" And they broke into giggles again.

I smiled at their stupidity. When Katie introduced me to the group, she warned me about their silliness, but it just made me wish I could be silly with them.

03/16 Direct Link

Instead, I continued my climb up the soft carpeted stairs. Everything was quiet now, the sounds of my friends too far below to be heard. Finally, I reached the fourth floor. On the last steps, a small hallway with four bedrooms yards apart from one another opened up to me. Inside the closest bedroom was a living girl sitting up her the bed, her legs tucked under a quilted comforter.



As if she'd heard me, she turned her head, but instead of eyes, there were two large, heavy black X-es drawn into her skin.


Yet... she saw me standing there.


 

 

03/17 Direct Link

I ran downstairs, almost falling, my heart in my mouth.

"Help!" I shouted, when I got to the bottom floor. "We have to get out of here!"

They came running to me from different rooms and met me in the hallway. I was frantic to leave.

"Why?" Asked Sam.

Out of breath, shaking, I quickly explained what I saw. They shifted uncomfortably.

"We're not going anywhere," he said, hands on his hips.

I stared at him wildly.

"What?!"

Marcy, one the previous gigglers, replied, "We will be needing you."

Katie had been hiding behind them, but now she stepped forward.

03/18 Direct Link

With an apologetic but desperate look in her eyes, she said, "Remember what you told me? About the dreams you have that show you things, things you shouldn't know about?"

Shivers ran down me as I looked from face to face. They were not laughing anymore.

From the bookshelf, she picked out a bottle-green glass oval. It had a net as translucent as a spider's web within it, and at the center was the crude drawing of a palm.

"Do you recognize this?"

I did. I had seen it in a dream and told her about it the next day. 

03/19 Direct Link

What was this place? Who were these fake friends? What, on Earth, were they going to do to me? And who was that girl?

I turned to the door and fled. I ran like I had never run before, into the street, down the hill, not caring where my feet took me. I just had to get as far from them as possible. I was never more certain of my actions.

I heard them running after me, their footsteps and voices reminding me that they were not far behind. Ahead of me, cars were moving towards the four way intersection. 

03/20 Direct Link

I ran into oncoming traffic. I didn't care. Actually, I would rather die, I thought decidedly, than go back to that. A couple of cars saw me too late to stop. One car veered and crashed into another, and a truck with a gas tank hit them both. Immediately, flames burst out, and I would have run into them but that someone grabbed me and pulled me back.

"Who is that? What happened?!" A stranger shouted.

"It’s okay," said my savior, "She's with us."

No, I thought, recognizing his voice. No, I wanted shout. Don't let him take me back!

03/21 Direct Link

But I could say nothing. As he lifted me into his arms and carried me back uphill, I realized that my face had been burned. I could barely move my mouth, my throat felt charred, and it hurt to breathe. The front of my body and both arms were bleeding. And my eyes! The fire had obliterated them. I could see nothing, only feel the stinging breeze and the movement of his steps. Soon, as he slowed down and turned, I felt the coolness of air-conditioning. Heard others around me.

"Take her upstairs," Katie said. "Place her in a bedroom."

03/22 Direct Link

The nuisances!

Have you ever tried to put on your seatbelt only to get frustrated by all  the loops you have to unloop? Or you just say fuck it and drive with the discomfort of a partly turned seatbelt pressing against you. Well, bra straps are like that too actually.  Except that you can't reach the back and there's too much elastic to get a strong hold on anything. And of course, you can't fix it in public. Maybe I just buy the cheap ones, thinking that price couldn't change utility. Maybe they screw up the cheap ones on purpose. 

03/23 Direct Link

I finally started watching Lost. This whole affair with the Malaysian airline got people talking about the show, and I was recommended, again, to watch it. Well, Netflix has all the episodes, so why not? Here are my first impressions:

Jack is superbly annoying! His doctoring, pilot knowledge, excellent social skills… give us all a break! I hope he leaves the show soon, but my suspicions tell me otherwise.

What's that fat guy from Heroes doing here? Oh good, he's gone.

I like the old white guy already.

Intrigued by the Asian couple's story.

I knew Charlie was hiding drugs!

03/24 Direct Link

Do you know, B, what was going on when I'd lie in bed at night beside you and stare at the ceiling? You would ask me what was wrong and, immediately, fall asleep. Of course, I wouldn't have told you anyway. Did you know that?

It happened the first time we slept beside each other. Maybe I tried saying something, but you were in lala land by then. So I looked up at the ceiling, out the window, and realized, finally, how alone I will always be. A revelation! And I embraced it the way one embraces her truest friend.
03/25 Direct Link

I want to, have to, do a lot of things this morning, but my eyes keep moving to the window. Snow is falling over trees in bloom with flowers and grass so green. Rarely do we even see snow down here, and on a spring day like this... In my mind, I can reason it as an understandable transition of winter to spring, just arriving a little awkwardly this year. But my eyes cannot believe what they see! So they keep staring up in wonder, abandoning everything else to watch this long, heavy parade of flurries float to the ground.

03/26 Direct Link

I am waiting for a band to be called Smh. The next big thing.

My Loverly Music Line-Up-1:

Avicii – Oh Brother

Cage the Elephant – Come a Little Closer

The Hawk in Paris – Freaks

Matt and Kim – Good Old Fashioned Nightmare

The Decembrists – This is Why We Fight

Weezer – The Christmas Song

Florence and the Machine – Only For a Night

The Civil Wars – The One That Got Away

Arctic Monkeys – Do I Wanna Know?

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

Little Dragon – Twice

LP – Nights Like This

But I am running out of words! Nights like this, smothered in music, are like candy.

03/27 Direct Link
Don't want to write tonight. I am afraid of my own words turning against me, showing me that I am stupid but vain, lazy, unworthy. Do you ever struggle to look in the mirror, and when you do, all you see is a person judging you? "You dare to look?"

Heavy lidded, serious eyes that shine when he smiles. Watchful eyes, aware of everything, aware of me. Playful eyes that turn suddenly boyish. Forceful, amorous eyes that might know things.

But it doesn't matter. I cannot get caught in those eyes because, unfortunately, my future is not in them. Resist!
03/28 Direct Link

A few times a year, I have sudden, acute pain episodes that bring me to the ground.

Drugs take time to work so I can't use them unless the pain continues for more than a few hours. Thus I have to use alternatives to manage the pain.

For one, I strip down and throw cold water on as much skin as I can. I never understood why this helps and couldn't find information on it. In this cardiology course, I've learned about therapeutic hypothermia. It basically slows everything down and decreases unnecessary reactions. Makes me feel a little more sane.

03/29 Direct Link

Denileukin diftitox.

Being in pharmacy means learning lots of drug names. Because I love words, I struggle less with this. I can remember the names, but many times, I forget the association, even matching the brand name to the generic. Presently, I have no idea what the brand name for diftitox is or even what it does. Simply enjoy saying it.

In a small group course, a professor once asked me to name the asthma meds. I listed them off and ended with my favorite, letting it breathe out of me and roll off my tongue. "Asmanex twisthaler." Oh yeah.
03/30 Direct Link

So I looked up diftitox, and wow. It's a combination of IL-2 and the diphtheria toxin. It kills cancer cells.  Lymphoma cells have a lot of IL-2 receptors (think forks sticking out of them). This is where the IL-2 part binds (think the cheese that sticks to these forks) and finds entry. Then the toxin does what toxins do: destroys from within! So you are actually giving yourself diphtheria with this drug. Pick your poison - what we help you do.

In other news, I dreamt of P again. Will he always haunt me? Facebook doesn't help. My own fault then.

03/31 Direct Link

Higher education is so expensive that it's becoming harder to move up the socio-economic ladder through education, but no truly developed society limits their intellectual potential to the wealthy.

Maybe one day, there will be two forms of higher education: one through these expensive universities and another that is self-taught. (Maybe online universities will be a middle ground.) All will end with the same exams and practical requirements. It will be like home-schooling college courses - harder without a social structure and professors to go to but an inexpensive option nonetheless. Your scores, not where you went, will determine your merit.