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The month of themes
I decided that, this month, I shall pick a theme for the week. And everyday, I will write on a different aspect of said theme. This, I'm positive, is going to be way tougher than I can possibly imagine. But I do think it's time I stretch the limits a little, push myself as much as possible so I can ascertain just how good (or bad) a writer I am. I also think that thinking of themes is going to be tougher than anything else. But that's the challenge. Tomorrow I post them themes.
Today isn't the day
I know I decided yesterday that I would put up my list of themes for the month today. But it kind of looks like that's not going to happen. For starters, I haven't thought of any. What seemed like a brilliant plan yesterday happens to be one that takes up too much time. Also, as per my calculations, putting up the list tomorrow leaves me with exactly 4 weeks after that. Perfect. Here's to hoping for a more productive tomorrow with some out of the world ideas.
I'm done for now. Bye.
Today IS the day
I shall now put up the themes for this month. Mind you, there are just 4 weeks and since I'm doing a weekly theme thing, I need 4 themes. Just 4. And how many do I have? None. Let's think.
1. Seven sins
2. Emotions (I don't know if I'll find 7 different ones but I'll try)
3. The lesson of the day
4. My happy moment of the day (inspired from #100happydays)
There's my list. Not too great but it works, I guess.
She knew she was beautiful. Black doe eyes, clear caramel skin, full lips and a dimpled smile. She knew no one could look at her just once. She knew she could get away with anything because of her beauty. She hadn't a humble bone in her body. She couldn't stop talking about her beauty, her grace, her charm. They were tired of listening to her. They didn't even think she was that beautiful any more. "Beauty is skin deep", they said. Then, it happened. The accident. "Pride, indeed, comes before a fall", they said. And moved on.
It burned him up on the inside. His heart, his soul, his very being charred black by the fire of envy. He couldn't think straight because all he thought about was how he wanted what other people had. His neighbour's job, his brother's success, his sister's house. He didn't have any of it. So he spent his time envying those who did. Time he could have spent doing something worthwhile, he spent envying those around him.
And so he died, a bitter man, with holes in his pockets and nothing but envy in his heart.
I want more. More food. More food. Give me more. I eat the steak with the mashed potatoes and the tossed vegetables. Then I eat some hamburgers with french fries. I want more. So I eat another steak with more mashed potatoes and more tossed vegetables. It isn't enough. I want more. Fried nuggets, a large pizza, more fries, and a can of Coke to wash it down. A 1kg cake with a litre of ice cream. It's not enough. More. More. More.
It wasn't the heart attack that killed me. It was the gluttony.
She wanted him, all the time. Wanted him to ravage her - slowly, passionately, fiercely. She couldn't stop thinking about the two of them together, touching, kissing, caressing, discovering the feel of each other's bodies. She couldn't stop thinking about how he made her feel with every single touch. Like an electric current was coursing through her. She couldn't stop the warm feeling that spread between her legs every time she thought of him. She couldn't stop wanting him. All. The. Time.
But that was all she wanted from him. Her heart belonged with another man.
He could only see red. Everywhere he looked. He couldn't stop seeing red. He wanted to hit something, break something. Maybe, gouging his eyes out would help. Maybe, that would stop making him see red. He looked at his hands - red. He wiped them on his clothes - still red. He washed them in the sink. The red mixed with the water but it didn't come off. His head was ready to burst. His veins felt like they would pop. He had to stop being so goddamn fucking angry. Finally, he bled out. The wrath died with him.
I want more.
More money, more fame, more friends, more everything. I don't want to work too hard for it though. I just want it. I have some now. Some money, a little fame, a few friends, some of everything. Enough for a normal person to be happy. But I'm not normal. I want more. Why can't I have more?
I want it all. Because what I have isn't enough. It will never be enough.
I won't be satisfied till I have more.
And then I'll want some more.
She didn't move. She hadn't moved in days. Why should she? Technology made it easy for her to do whatever she wanted from just one place. Besides, she didn't really feel like doing anything anyway. She didn't want to move, or think, or do anything at all. Every day, she felt her brain cells die a little. Every day, she felt her muscles become weaker. And every single day, her will to do anything decreased. Slowly at first and then exponentially. She still couldn't get herself to move.
She had resigned herself to the couch.
Sometimes, the world just annoys you. Sometimes, it's not so much the world as it is one person in particular. In this case, it's a certain someone I work with. His face annoys me. His voice annoys me. The fact that he's alive and breathing annoys me. I envision ways of killing him. Cruel ways. Painful ways. And the fact that I have this pent up anger that's flowing over into extreme violence is a little scary. These violent thoughts are also, however, highly cathartic. So I'm just going to live with this anger. Until I quit.
Some days every little thing makes me sad. A lonely old man hobbling along with no support but that from his walking stick. Malnourished street urchins who manage to make playthings out of nothing. A husband and wife dressed in all their finery but with no love for each other in their hearts. Some days it's self pity that makes me sad. The fact that I have a job I'm stuck in. The fact that I have no love and worse, no life. The fact that I've achieved absolutely nothing.
And then I eat chocolate.
They say jealousy is a green eyed monster. I don't know why though. I don't know why the colour green is associated with a feeling as vile as jealousy. The colour is beautiful. It's the colour of nature, the colour of life. (Note to self: must learn why green signifies jealousy)
Anyway, I don't feel jealous often. I'm secure in who I am and what I have. However, of late, I am jealous of people who have it all figured out. I don't want to be one of them. I just can't control the jealousy.
I've had a crush on this guy for a while now. But he's very different from the kind of guys I usually like. And keeping that in mind I figured there was no way he was going to like me back. Besides, I knew this was a relationship that would probably never work out. Today, he told me he likes me. After I've stopped thinking about him that way. And I'm confused. What am I supposed to do? Should I give this a shot? Will this work? I told him let's try. Am I being completely crazy?
I stayed up all night talking to this boy I have a crush on. Best all night conversation ever. For now at least. And he's been super amazing to me all day. Saying the nicest things, sending me the cutest messages, just being adorable in general. And I'm happy. I'm this kind of happy after ages. After what seems like forever. I just hope it lasts. I've had my heart broken so many times now, I don't know if I can deal with it again. But this time, I feel like even that will be worth it.
I surprise myself. I'm surprised by myself. By my feelings, by the fact that I'm not walking away. He isn't perfect. He does drugs, smokes up a lot. And that's always something I've wanted to avoid. But when he tells me he'll quit for me, I believe him. And that's surprising. Because I don't believe people easily. And I don't believe promises people make. I don't think people can change. So why do I believe him? Because I want to. I want to see this through, to the end. I don't know why. Which also surprises me.
I'd forgotten what it felt like to be satisfied. To not want more, to not want something I don't have. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be happy. And now I am. I'm happy and satisfied. I want to smile all the time, and sing, and skip a little. I want to sigh out loud, and daydream. I'm that kind of satisfied. Content. I know I sound like a 12 year old girl when I say this is all because of a guy. But it's true. And I don't even care that it is. I'm satisfied.
Never judge a book by its cover.
This is a lesson for life. To be taken literally and figuratively. Because nothing in life is as it seems. And though I know this and try my best to live by it, it's often very difficult to not be judgmental. Without even realising it, I make sweeping judgments about things and people to find myself proven immensely incorrect later. That's the fortunate part. That I realise the error of my ways. But I sometimes wonder how much I'll miss out on if I don't realise I've made a mistaken judgment.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
I've always believed this to be true. Contrary to the adage that says many hands make light work, this one just hits the nail on the head. The more people working on the same thing the tougher it gets for everyone. Too many egos to massage, to many ideas to hear out and too many different personalities all trying to fit on the same page. That's why I like working alone. Do my own thing in my own time by my own method. Besides, I know I'll do it right. And better.
Never count your chickens before they hatch.
Also known as jumping the gun. I do this a lot. And, more often than not, I end up unsatisfied with the "number of chickens" I actually end up with. Not "counting your chickens before they hatch" just lowers your expectations from the end result of everything. I don't know if that is necessarily a good thing, however. The minute you lower your expectations you begin to settle for much less than you normally would. Sure, you save yourself some amount of disappointment. But the question is, is it worth it?
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Save. Save. Save. Save when you have the money. Save when you have the chance. Because who knows what tomorrow might bring. But is that any way to live?
Spend when you can. Travel, see the world, buy books and music. Spend it on things that matter and on things that don't. Buy things for yourself and for people who make a difference to your life. Because who knows if you will be able to tomorrow. Be a fool if that means truly living your life for today.
A friend in need is a friend in deed.
Everyone's had those friends who are friends with you because they want something from you. But true friends are those who stick around through everything. Your darkest days, your most pathetic days, your most drunken days, and even the hangovers. True friends are those who've seen you cry, seen you have absolutely no self respect, seen you at your worst. True friends are those who haven't judged you through all of that. They've been there through your hours of need.
And then there are friends with benefits.
Every dog has its day.
Everyone will get a chance to shine. Everyone will get a chance to reach their true potential. Everyone will get a chance to be the centre of attention. I'm waiting for that day to come. Because as of now, I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm not doing anything meaningful. Not making a difference. And I want to. But what if I don't? What if I'm that one unlucky dog that doesn't get its day? Or worse, what if my day already passed me by? Man, I hate being a dog.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
This has to be one of my favourite adages of all time. There's just something about the picture it paints. And it caters to my optimism. Sometimes, things go terribly wrong. Sometimes, nothing seems to go your way. Sometimes, you come scarily close to just giving up. And then something beautiful happens. Out of the blue. Unexpected. Just when you were beginning to lose hope, you find your silver lining. I honestly believe the silver lining is always there. You just have to look beyond the looming grey clouds and find it.
The first time we kissed. *sigh* It happened in the middle of the night, at his house. He was a little drunk. Okay, quite drunk. And I, being the dreamer that I am, imagined a cheesier, more romantic, love story kind of first kiss. Which this wasn't. But I have to admit, it was pretty amazing. I've been wanting to kiss him for a few days now and I'm glad he pulled me close and kissed me. We talked a lot in between all the making out and I know he's in love with me. There isn't a better feeling.
There's a certain pleasure one gets out of watching sitcoms at work. It's a guilty pleasure really. Not as wonderful as eating an entire bar of chocolate or wiping out a full tub of ice cream in one sitting, but it is a guilty pleasure nonetheless. That's what I did at work today. I watched multiple episodes of multiple sitcoms during the day. I think when I do things like this I enjoy the episodes better than I would otherwise. And my laugh-out-loud moments definitely get a lot louder than they would otherwise. Ah, if only I cared.
Today has to have been one of the best days of my life. I called in sick and spent the day at his place. He cooked for me and we spent all day watching movies and making out. I've kissed a lot of boys but nothing felt like this. It's not even like he's the best kisser or anything but it didn't even matter. It just felt so good. It felt so right. His arms around me felt right. My head on his chest felt right. Our being together felt right. It's possible I'm falling in love. Best. Feeling. Ever.
Words really don't do justice. But somehow when he says these incredibly adorable, insanely romantic things to me, I melt. I get tingly and fuzzy and I can't stop myself from smiling. He said he closed his eyes and was so happy that when he opened them, a smile went through him like a wave. He said he feels like he's in a dream. He's so cheesy. I absolutely love it. It's these little things he says to me all day that keep me going. It's these little things he says to me that make me oh-so happy. *sigh*
We watched a stupid episode of a stupid show at work today. One hour of absolute mindless nonsense. It was so much fun. It's when things like this happen at work that I don't mind being there. It's things like this that make all the late nights, the crazy clients, the lack of a social life worth it. It's funny how it's the little things, the simple things that make shit so much better. And I'm just glad that I'm the kind of person that can find happiness in these little, simple things. In the end, that's what happiness is.
We said we love each other. I said it for the first time. I was nervous and shy and I had butterflies. I've said these three words before. But why does this feel so different? Then we spent all day saying it to each other. Over text, on the phone, in person. I could keep listening to him say it and I could keep saying it back. I want to sit in the same space as him with both of us doing our own thing and just occasionally look up at each other, say I love you and carry on.
I had lunch with him today. It was wonderful. It made my day. Just the way he looks at me makes my day. He makes me happy. Unbelievably so. I'm scared of how this is going to turn out because I'm falling for him faster and harder than I expected. I'm trying not to think about it and enjoy being happy. I'm happy when I'm with him. I'm happy when we hold hands and when he kisses me. I'm happy when I'm thinking of him (which is all the time). I'm just happy. It's amazing and beautiful and dreamy. *sigh*
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