Don't usually do timed resolutions. Two this year. First—I will say hello to Candace Moore the next time I see her on the UCLA campus. Second—I will complete an entry daily for this website this year. Last night was good. Started slow. Two parties. Didn't receive my planned kiss at midnight. She wasn't there. Got champagne spilled on me instead. Clubbing-open until 6am. She put her head to mine and kissed me. Better than what I hoped for at midnight. Took her home. I'm sure it's nothing—but still too happy to sleep. Should try. Out again tonight.

Re-pierced my tongue today. It went so quickly. Met Todd at coffee later, where I only had a cup of ice. We went to "Brokeback Mountain"afterwards. I was surprised at how full the theater was, considering it wasn't opening weekend and we were in Orange County. I had people to my immediate left and right. Irritation at some of the things laughed at. I couldn't sleep again. I feel too giddy these days. I believe I'm getting closer and closer to being happy. I've even begun to like some aspects of my appearance. I so want to kiss someone.

Difficult to get caught up at work today. Lots of days off. I went in late, that was part of the problem. I visited with too many people, another problem. I had to leave early to go to the hospital—not a problem. So much work to do tonight. Statistics to run before a meeting tomorrow morning. Tired now. The work week starting on Tuesday is making the week go by too quickly. I wonder if I will be able to rest enough by Thursday. Clubs three nights in a row. Also homework. My project with Noah. A new website.

Long day at work. Turned in a report. Commended for it. Spoke to Amirah on the phone. We will be seeing each other this weekend. Tonight three voicemails came through. A new one and two others that people told me they had left and I said I never received. The prospect of tomorrow has been haunting me for weeks. Her day is finally here. Makes me sad. Makes me miss. From where we once were together, how did we ever arrive at this date apart? A similar question phrased in The Lion in Winter. "Step by step,"Henry answers her.

Happy Birthday, Youm. Happy Birthday, Licorice Mush. Happy Birthday, L'Mush. Happy Birthday, Yellow Alien. Happy Birthday, Yellow Alien with Green Eyes. Happy Birthday, Yellow Alien with Green Eyes Grammarian. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, My Love, Lisa. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, Guppy. The melancholy--this day this year. How I miss her. I've lost her and she's lost me. "'I love you, Guppy. Oh yes I do. I love you, Guppy. I say this to you. See? I told you I can sing.' Kiss blow. Kiss blow." Feels far away. I love you.

I went out last night to a club. Trying to dance my way into forgetting what day it was. Saw her dancing on stage. Saw her eyes all the way from across the room. We spoke later. I touched her arm. She hugged me. She told me she was glad that I came. Secretly I began another crush, in the other room. A girl with this tattoo on her belly. So very alluring the way she moves. Said happy birthday's during the night, but by three am I realized I hadn't for a couple hours. I should call this progress.

My best friend's in town. We're in a hotel. She's napping. Shopped on the Promenade and had dinner. We both should be napping, before we go out tonight. Our room is beautiful—on the top floor with a patio. We're in the same bed. I spooned her but still couldn't sleep. Waiting now, for the appointed time—two hours in advance to get ready—clothing, boots, make-up, jewelry—so I can start the music, and begin our hotel pre-dance-party. Wish we agreed to an earlier time. Dark in here, but my anticipation of tonight keeps me too happy to sleep.

Dropped Amirah off at the train station. We had an amazing weekend that ended at a trance club, a vegan lunch, and a whole lot of drama with a girl walking around in a slip. We'll certainly be doing this again. After the train station, I went to the hospital to visit Noah. He seemed in lesser spirits today. I'm hoping to get drawings to him soon of our comic book to help pick him back up. So tired and have to work tomorrow, but I still feel hyper from all the music. Can't nap and don't want to eat.

I had it planned to go to class and then to Wumpskate afterwards for a little gothic roller skating party. I went to class dressed, sans make-up. But shit, after this past weekend, a workday that started at six am, a commute to UCLA, a lecture until nine thirty, I didn't go and rent a pair of skates after all. I was disappointed as it only happens once a month. February then. I've been avoiding checking my mail. I'm scared of what her letter to me with say. Things I couldn't prepare for. At least my bills are delivered electronically.

Staying home tonight. Should rest, but no. I have to work on a new website. Putting one up for a friend of mine. I also need to work on deadponies. I've been avoiding that too. The poem I wrote, I'm scared to post it, and I'm avoiding taking the secret notes to Lisa down. I need to remove her pictures too. I'll pull everything down. Everyone. Reformat them all and put them back up in some rigid way. Lisa too. It makes me sad to think that she will become part of the nostalgia. She'll be a dead pony herself.

So I don't have tuberculosis. Got results from the hospital today. So my volunteer work will be official, provided that I pass the criminal check. Everything on me should be sealed. I was very thorough. I never committed any of the crimes they are looking for anyway. Going alone to a club tonight that I've never been to before. Yes, I wish Lisa and I. Yes, I wish we were going together. I wish we were going and she was wearing those boots. I would kiss her in the middle of this dance floor that I can only now imagine.

Another birthday today. Mila's. Another club tonight. The same club I went to on Lisa's. The two people I loved in my life were born seven days apart in the same year. I always want to make a connection with that. Sometimes I think I'm fated for Capricorns because of it, and worse—fated to have it end, and to end painfully no matter how much I want to hold on to them. I can think of Mila and smile now. With Lisa—not yet—because I still dream. I will go out tonight and dance, and flirt, and forget.

Another club tonight. My life must sound dull. So let's not talk about it. I'm still happy. I miss Lisa. Really. Quite a lot. Her and us. I wish I still had her to call everyday. I want to hear her voice and see her eyes. I want to put my fingers through her thin hair. I'd like to walk through the hills with her again, and sit side by side at a restaurant, like annoying couples do. What brings me back to my sensibilities is that I don't want to endure the sadness and fear that comes with it.

So many things scheduled today, but it's okay. I feel like I have the energy, and at the end of the day it will make me feel very productive. I also feel like I should go to the cemetery today. B_____ has been on my mind. I miss her. I miss her. I find myself at night dancing with her again. I suppose those dance steps are really steps backwards. I haven't heard her for years and years, and I don't know what I think I'll get trying again to bring her back. "Don't go out tonight." I miss her.

I didn't go to the hospital today. The drawings weren't finished. I feel bad because I thought some of the preliminary sketches would be done for Noah to see. I spent most of my day writing. I'm experiencing a lingering difficulty with my script. There are scenes I should sacrifice, but when I cut them other things disappear that are still necessary. But Ondine still is fun for me though. She hides so much inside herself. I like her. Though it is Sunday, I will be going out tonight as I don't have to work Monday because of the holiday.

Though it's Martin Luther King Day, we had class tonight. Some of the class groaned when it was announced we would be holding class, but our professor said he assumed we wanted to get our money's worth. On my part, he was right—would've been pissed if it got cancelled. Unfortunately this dedication didn't guarantee a good class. We screened this piece of shit film with the writer and director present. It was truly below the writing standards of our program. If we weren't all vying for MFA slots there would have been more students walking out as they should.

Palm Pilot chimed me that I would be having dinner with someone tonight. Native Foods—Soy Amigo salad; side order of Save the Chicken Wings. Was so good to see her. She was wearing white and her eyes sparkled as they always do. We were both on the phone as I pulled up but we never went inside. Saw Steve's car in the lot. Color, model, and bumper sticker. Is he in there alone or are they dining together? I wouldn't look. Offered a different restaurant, but we decided to simply reschedule. Ugh. Just not ready to see them yet.

Inadvertently double booked myself tonight. Problem with unsynchronized calendars. Book signing in LA. Feldenkrais class in OC. Club after either. I chose class. Glad. Feel better after it, and I do like seeing her. She was happy because she knew I had a rough week writing. Present pages tomorrow. Home now. Showered. Must pick an outfit. Don't care when I get there, just want to go. Nails are fine, but have to do make-up. No metallics tonight. Been liking myself more and more in just straight and flat black. Happy. The blaring music—my private little dance party has begun.

Very sleepy today. Yesterday I finished the script pages I am presenting tonight, and so I went out afterwards, and expectedly, stayed out much too late. At UCLA, I took a nap in my car before class. I slept well, and woke forty five minutes before my alarm went off. All I could sleep was less than an hour, but I feel rested and ready. My stomach still feels good. Soy chicken, stir fried vegetables including water chestnuts and red bell peppers over brown rice. Yum yum. How I love being in school. I can't wait to get in there.

Whirlwind of things to do before going out tonight. Drove all over the place. All errands done, but now I can't afford a nap. Have to be up in half an hour to start getting dressed. Excited about tonight, but wish the drive was shorter. Got an industrial pierce on a whim. Caroline pierced her eyebrow yesterday, and the thought of it made me crave. So when one of my stops involved a store with a piercer in the back, I had to ask, "how much for this?" Pay up and sit me down. It hurt more than any other.

I didn't have a very good time last night. I went to a club but barely danced. I was run down from the week. I shouldn't go when I'm tired. But it makes me happy to understand how much dancing makes me happy. I have the whole day scheduled to work on a website for a friend. Finally able to devote some time specifically to it. I scheduled three hours for it, but it's already been seven. May go out tonight, may not. I'm still tired. This week has been tough—work, and I had to present pages at UCLA.

Woke as usual, but got out of bed later than I planned. So little firmly scheduled today—there didn't seem to be much point. Lunch with Paul, if he calls back. Will see Noah at the hospital. Will bring drawings to him at last. I'm glad, Amirah talked me out of going clubbing last night. I feel rested again today. She went to two parties, and skipped her Edwardian Ball. I feel inclined to get back to work on the website I'm working on, but I know I will lose track of the hours, and it's not even my site.

Waitress asked if I was okay. "Yes." She said, "You seem so sad today." Stunned. All these days feeling happy—when she said that, I realized I'm not today. Sucks. Must've been the drive up. Traffic frustrations; reception on my iPod was terrible; I didn't have the best day at work. I told her I would be happier on Thursday, and resolved to walk out of there and turn my day around. Took some focus. Phoned Amirah, she couldn't talk. But by the time my class started I was happy again, and I met students I hadn't spoken to before.

Read today that Chris Penn died. It made me sad. He was young, and I thought he seemed so alive. Stayed home again tonight. I haven't been wanting to go out. I've been writing so much, and that is keeping me happy. The writing is all over the place though. I need to direct it toward the goals I made, and start finishing things that are nearly complete. I ran out of steam writing and phoned Amirah back. Had to keep her on speaker phone, as I was painting my nails. Black, then blue glitter, then a clear protective coat.

Another realization about my happiness. While I was driving it occurred to me that I was happy. Okay nothing new there, except this: I have been telling myself for years that the happiest time in my life was, and would always be, while I was at Porter. There, I think being happy perpetuated my happiness. It's why so many people surrounded my life then. Today someone contacted me whom I have not heard from in ten years. Addressed me as: "the one and only legend of Porter College: Robert." Wow—legendary happiness. I can be that happy again. I can.

Pics from last night's club already posted. The repetitive nature of these clubs—same songs, same people, same screamed and truncated conversations, and repeated outfits, I feel like I was actually there. The saving grace of these nights not turning into utter repeats are crushes. From the looks of the photos, my crush wasn't there last night either. She would've been photographed. She's too beautiful to not to have been. Driving to work, I realized I enjoy getting dressed up so much that I could often skip going out after I'm ready. Just phoned Amirah. Woke her. Silly sleepy head.

Took a long time to lace up my boots this morning. Silly—only going to work, but I like walking around feeling like I put some thought into what I would wear today. I think Going to leave in the early afternoon, if my mother phones. She wants to see Pride and Prejudice again. It'll be my fourth time. Didn't write as much as I should have last night. Hope to make up for it today. Either all night tonight at home, or at home and then more at a club. Facilitates the look I'm trying to develop—studious goth.

Beautiful night last night. Enough to rival the best of nights this year. Very good entrance. S____ saw me first and came to give me a hug. And as she did, C_______ came up to do the same—then I felt someone touching my back, I turned and it was T___. I danced more than I had been, and that was fun, but there were so many people to talk to, including Amirah by phone. But oh dear—J______. Sigh. Beautiful. I just longed to hear what she would say next. It feels different. Falling hard. And I love it.

Back from the hospital. Agenda for the day was to write some love scenes for our comic. Thought this would be a difficult lesson—Noah's twelve; thought he would be shy. Quite the contrary. Spouted off a series of lines meant to woo. I learned that he dreams of romance a lot. He very much wants a girl to want him. We played music later, and he sang songs he made up on the fly. Funny at first, but his songs became pleadings to his parents—DON-T LEAVE ME. (They've already left.) Another about his mother not answering her phone.

My health has been so good. I had that flu that was going around. Had it twice, maybe three different versions of it. But my other health problems that I experienced over the past years—I realize I very rarely have to concern myself with it. Feeling happy has mostly kicked the shit out of it. Just more to be said about stress. The eggshells I had been tip-toeing through these recent years are either gone, or have been successfully walked around, or have been smashed to bits into the ground. I care not. They're not there. That's most important.

Charlene's retirement party is today. Yesterday I saw the RSVP list. I never received an invitation. I was just marked as attending. I spoke to Charlene weeks ago to tell her that I couldn't come. Lisa was on the list. She and one guest. Amirah and I talked a lot yesterday—so good to me. She helps me remember that I'm allowed to be angry—that I can feel wronged. I am happy. My world is awful big and keeps growing every day. I just wish that it was me who was there with her, for her mother's day today.