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Officially, the promotion channel stopped after 1995. At the family front I thought I would get a promotion fast.
This November month six years ago my daughter got married. Thought I would be promoted as Grandfather soon.
Wife and me are eager to have a grandchild in our midst so that our life will be more meaningful. We look with envy our neighbours and relatives who say great things about their grand children.
When we touch the soft infants, our craving is growing more.
Dear daughter we want a small bundle of joy in your hands.
Met my cousin when we all gathered for my niece marriage. Comparing lives is necessary to get some solace or idea to improve upon our life.
He has two female children.
I knew that his elder daughter was not having issues for a long time. I asked him "How long?" He said that she was blessed with a child after 12 years.
I told him my worry about my daughter not being blessed with a child even after 6 years of marriage.
He said that his second daughter also had a IV treatment at Riyadh.
Now, how about my daughter?
Progeny. Procreation. Fertility. These words are occupying my head today to write about (100 words per day) during this month.
My wife gets annoyed when I say we have alternate methods even if daughter is not able to conceive.
I have to think a lot to utter the words: "We can try adopting a child"
"Don't say that" My wife would chide me.
"When you say something, it may happen. No need for all that. We will definitely have procreation through our daughter herself" My wife would authoritatively say.
Let me join my wife's optimism and be double optimistic.
One year after the marriage. 2011 November. Let the couple enjoy honey moon. Let them understand each other. A kid within one year of marriage is too early.
We celebrated the first Deepavali of our daughter and son-in-law during the year 2011.
My wife's main plans and dreams were to do the first delivery of a baby to my daughter. My wife's plans are my plans and I too had dreams of doing this duty to my daughter. Okay. Next year we will have this opportunity.
The dreams continue. I expect my role as grandfather.
We did not know the future worries in the past.
We were happy when our daughter was born. We want the same happiness to be felt by her now.
Our joy was boundless when she started walking. She used to walk in the long corridors of the Railway station.
Life went on in the past - daughter learning to ride bicycle, taking 100 marks in maths in her school final examination.
Completed her studies, got married - everything was smooth ride and everything normal - good.
We never thought that her body will be taking so much time to conceive a baby.
Long ago, we visited Palani, where deity Muruga resides, with my uncle. That was the past when the future of my marriage was not known to me.
While ascending the hillock of Palani, I noticed trees from branches of which tiny colourful clothes were hanging in the form of baby hammocks.
I was pestering my uncle as to what these are.
My uncle explained that they were wishes hung by devotees who had no issues. They have tied the clothes in the hope of getting issues soon.
My uncle was issueless and to this day I regret the question.
Great thing discovered writing about the issue of issues is that future worries cannot be seen. Another insight realized is that past worries become facts.
In those days my worry was why my mother lost her husband so soon in life and why my younger sisters and me were destined to grow without a father.
I was worried about my uncle and aunt also. Why they were not blessed with a child.
My maternal grandfather and grandmother would have felt the same helplessness as I am feeling now.
What is the algorithm of this birth and death?
Daughter celebrates second anniversary of her marriage in the year 2012.
At least this year we will hear that her periods are paused giving the indication that she has conceived?
She has some menstrual problems. As I man, I can know that there will be problems in women. It will subside naturally or medical help will solve the problem.
No, the good news did not happen.
My wife is very eager. Contemporaries have brought new people to the world.
My teeth are going one by one. I want to stop dying my hair.
I want the life promotion. Not yet!
I do silly things when anxiety strikes me.
I started growing a beard. I stopped dying the hair. Someone who came home realized this was the frustration expression.
That someone told my wife:
"why your husband is growing a beard? Is is because that his daughter is not conceived? What is the use of he growing the beard? His son-in-law should do all these."
It is delicate. Why should I become so anxious? Why am I so much worried about my wife's helplessness?
How would our son-in-law feel?
I feel for my wife's anxiety too.
Whenever wife says that I have prayed to this God to get a child to our daughter some sort of rage is coming to me.
How much she suffers. She is patient and waiting type. But there is terrible anxiety in her expression.
Sometimes I say: "stop this praying altogether. You have prayed enough. Once will do"
With all devotion she has performed all sorts of poojas. Uttered all sorts of mantras.
We are waiting.
Her continuous oblations and my curt oblation have no results so far.
I cannot describe my emotion when my wife helplessly feels about the emptiness.
It is not only oblations but also asceticism - that is done by my wife.
There are innumerable number of couples in this world and people known to us who are issueless.
I try to tell my wife that we are not alone with this issue of issueless phenomena in this world.
But her arguments and optimism make me feel - feel very much about this issue.
She immediately does the self denial and austerity suggested by people who are around us.
She will make plans to visit some temples which are famous for bestowing blessings for issueless couple.
Life goes on.....
Getting medical assistance is the best thing to this problem faced by our daughter.
It is being done. Son-in-law got circumscribed. My daughter was checked surgically in her Fallopian tubes. Doctors said there may be chances of TB in her Fallopian tubes. She was given medication for that.
The gynecologists said that my daughter should reduce her weight. Oh...so many things.
My wife's patience is tested. Mine too. Oh how long our daughter and son-in-law should wait?
Meanwhile read a blog at WordPress where a 30ish woman has wonderfully pressed words expressing her woes.
The blog where the woman expresses her trial in conceiving. She expresses the difficulties faced by her in this task hilariously.
She says in the tag line of the blog entitled "Just stop trying and it will happen" - barren and blogging about it.
This blog gives me hope.
I appreciate my Son-in-law for his patience.
It should happen to him. He should get the ways and means to achieve the target of becoming a parent.
This is a very hopeful entry and starting now by the turn of 2017 I want things to happen.
This month my wife undertook a journey to Tirumala. A eight days trip.
Heavy crowd will be visiting Balaji everyday. The deity Balaji bestows all good to the people.
Wearing orange color saree my wife would be a volunteer to control the crowd at the sanctum sanctorum. She will help the pilgrims in serving the meals and allow them in a disciplined way to have the darshan of the God.
Everyday she narrates her experiences of the great place over phone.
Every conversation she will express her anxiety and her wish to become grandmother.
Let Balaji show us the way.
What is that I am doing here at 100 words this month? Giving my expression to my wishes that are not being realized or am I perhaps just hoping that by writing a turning point will happen?
This morning also I was thinking about people who are childless.
A smart lady colleague in our office is without a child. Later she adopted a child . That child is grown up and she is very happy.
Two officers are without children and one of them adopted a kid and she is fine.now.
My aunt and uncle did not adopt.
Last entry was to tell about the people I came across in my work place who did not have children. The list was only selective. I missed the Gentleman when I joined the service. I also did not include the young people after the year 2005.
I finished the last entry stating that my Aunt and Uncle did not adopt a child. I also want to add that in my aunts family, her two brothers are also issue-less and they also did not adopt anyone.
My brother-in-law is also not having a child of his own.
So God selects random couple and don't give them off springs?
Medically, the sperms can be made more active and ovaries developed properly.
The fertility clinics and the load of information on the internet says so.
My daughter and son-in-law reside nearly 700 kms away from us. The doctors at her place were consulted.
When she came over to our place three medicos were consulted.
A patient and optimistic attitude is required, for all of us.
We will wait. We will be patient. We will hope. We will pray.
Some sort of way should open soon.
More burdened with bad feelings. Specially my wife. Writing about our daughter's inability to conceive here,does not give us a good feeling.
At times I think of abandoning this writing. I thought by expressing my position of feelings (including my wife's mind) would lighten me and some more optimistic thoughts will flow. I thought that our hopes will build.
I am doubting the phrase "Just leave it...It will happen"
Actually a charm in life will enter me if I know something is happening in my daughter's life in the form of a new entry in the family.
Our favourite TV program is 'Kutti Chutties'
This TV show is aired every Sunday evening. The anchor does a fine job.
Kids under the age 5 talk so many things in an innocent way. The anchor prompts them to tell about the fights their parents have. It will be funny on the show and we laugh at the kids smart talk.
If our daughter had a baby in 2011 or 2012, our dream grand child would have been four years old now.
We could have enjoyed the pranks of our little grand child.
Hope. Hope and more hope.
Enough of this rant!
What purpose it will serve by writing here my worry about God not giving me a grandchild through my daughter?
There is my buddy who joined the service with me and he is not blessed with a child.
My maternal aunt's two sons are also not blessed with children.
My favourite neighbour's brother and daughter have the fertility problem.
We are not alone.
At times when the mind is low and asks 'why? why? why? why? questions the comparisons are galore.
When immersed in other activities and worries people don't come into the mind.. yeah!
That was all comparisons about people who are not blessed with children.
I wrote about the prayers and austerity measures taken by my wife.
I have not covered the astrology and prediction part of the story.
When answer is not known, when the answer is not in our hands then we go to a neutral third party who can predict the answer. There are people. We call them astrologers.
We have taken the horoscope of our daughter to innumerable number of astrologers. There are astrologers on Facebook too.
Everyone predicts that the happy event will happen.
When? When? When? When?
The astrology part of the story. My daughter's story.
None can be blamed. My wife took all the knowledge she had about Astrology.
She had the tables of Horoscope. She matched my daughter's horoscope with the would be bride grooms horoscope tables.
The planets, sun and moon. What will they do in the Horoscope? How these people permute and combine the data?
In my personal view, these things are nonsense.
Who asked the personal view?
I should make my wife's view also mine. Give her sentiments a respect.
Mars has got some bad thing in our Daughter's horoscope.
What is the use of my acceptance in this regard? My wife's acceptance?
I get angry, frustrated, helpless....absolutely no use.
Every day, my wife utters that she is begging this God or that God to grant the blessings to our daughter.
I try to say: "Stop this. Let's accept. Let this prayers be stopped. Or let the prayers be not told to me."
This forms the misunderstanding and my wife is all cries and frustrations.
I feel very much, when my wife says that the menstrual cycle is not alright with my daughter.
Today my daughter's wedding day.
Time is swallowed like anything.
I hate the past grandeur of the marriage we performed on this day six years ago.
Damn it. If we had a grandchild now, we would have relished the memories of the event. The event, for which it was done should have given the result.
We would have been more friendly with the parents of our son-in-law. We would have rejoiced with more get together. More smiles. More excitement in life.
Oh, God what is exactly wrong with the couple? Show us the correct way to help them.
When was it that we went to an astrologer to tell us about the particular future of our daughter?
A friend of mine recommended an active teacher in his early sixties.
He had a browse of our daughter's horoscope.
He said there are no chances in this year 2016. Perhaps in the year 2017?
2016 is going off. I cannot face my wife's anxiety. Day by day my mind is not happy. I hate myself.
Is this the only thing that will make us happy?
Look, several other things which my wife was expecting happened.
Why not this? 2017 please.
In the last entry did I write about the astrologer recommended by my friend?
In this entry I shall write about another astrologer recommended by the mother-in-law of my daughter.
That mother's concern I understand. She will also be eager to have a grand child through her son.
I am emotional, I give room to sentiments.
My son-in-law's mother while watching a program came across an astrologer. She recommended him to us. She gave us his phone number.
Sentimentally, I thought by obliging all the dears and nears, we can get our fruitful and happy result.
The astrologers have to earn their bread. It is their livelihood.
Should our daughter also bring people to this world? Yes everyone is bringing babies to the world. Why not our daughter?
Yes, I thought that my sentiment of obliging my daughter's mother-in-law by engaging the astrologer she recommended would work out and paid some amount to him.
He is somewhere is Tamilnadu. I paid him electronically. Sent the horoscope by e mail.
My account is debited and his account is credited.
Phone calls to him is the only best thing happened. Sentiment did not work. Damn it.
Our daughter is not outgoing. She is 'scared' by nature. When she was young, she was frightened to light a match stick.
She was afraid of that fire.
She was good at riding two wheeler. She is scared now to drive a car.
I am scared, will she take up the medical procedures?
She has taken up the medical procedures.
1)Medical procedures. 2)Praying to God. 3)Getting solace from astrologers.
These were the blabbering in the 100 words site this month. All my frustrations for wishing to become a grandfather through my daughter's progeny.
Praying. Praying. Praying.
It is mind set, right?
Mind many times is not setting itself. Not only setting itself but it is upsetting itself. Upsetting so much that hoping itself is hopeless.
Blessings we not getting because of the sins we have committed?
We have to count the people who are along with this sailing in the boat of fertility problem?
No. Let's hope. There are so many fertility clinics. Some miracle may happen. Nature and biology may surprise us.
Reading the hopeful material on the web, where people with similar problems are blessed later may increase our hope.
Let's read more hope.
What all possible I have vented out my feelings and my significant half's feelings about the fertility issue of our dear daughter.
From now, let us build the hope.
Definitely it is going to happen. So many things have happened late in life. This is not late. This will happen.
I have book marked a site where plenty of hope is given to people like us who are so much concerned about a baby to their daughter.
Now, I have landed in a calendar that gives 31 days of Infertility prayer.
The first prayer is clarity. Isaiah 30:21.
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