BY cgBalu

12/01 Direct Link
Joined this batch of writing for the December month. I wrote about my yoga practice, I wrote about websites I visit.
My trial about writing a departmental examination to get promotion was also tried in this site.
I did not pass in the examination. Okay. I tried. That will do for now.
My mother is 77 years old. She is older than me by 20 years.
This month I am going to write about her.
Let my feelings about her find a place in the 100 words site.
Hope, I channelise all my thoughts and feelings about her and write.
12/02 Direct Link
TV is the only medicine to my mother.
Damn it. The smart TV takes more time to boot. She is restless till her channel is on the screen.
Something has to be done to boot the screen fast. The other day we had been to the LG service center. The man came. He says that the TV remote is alright.
Problem with the dish remote.
Soon, I have to fix that.
The relationship with mother is such that the restlessness she feels till she gets her comfort zone, is contagious and the same is spread to me and my wife.
12/03 Direct Link

I would like to take mother to my sister's place.

She has made a new home at Hubballi. She has come on a promotion to this city and has rented a flat.

The house is less than 5 minutes walk from our home.

My mother has to step down about twenty steps from my home.

She has to climb up about twenty steps to reach my sister's place.

In between there is a  gradient walk. Making my mother walk?

She is curious. More curious than me.

But I can't. Her physical conditions are not as good as her curiosity. 
12/04 Direct Link

Why can't take my mother out, as I desire?

She cannot hear. Though she cannot hear, her curiosity is more. What she achieves by her curiosity? She wants to see the new things at the house.

She is scared. Of course her arthritis pain is hell. When she makes up her mind, she is confident and can move about.  Who will set her mind?

If I want to reply to her curiosities, I can't make her confident and make her move about. Only she should show us the enthusiasm.

So the desire to take her out cannot be fulfilled.
12/05 Direct Link

I want to say so many things to my mother. I like it. I feel fine when I have some simple talks with her.

When I say something and when she understands that, it is okay. When I am alone this happens. I tell her only the results. I unnecessarily don't question her.

When I want to tell her something and wife comes barging in, the situation becomes uncomfortable.

My wife doesn't leave us alone. She doesn't think 'let son and mother talk anything, let them enjoy'

I shouldn't talk to my mother when she is around? Yes, that is what….
12/06 Direct Link

Mother is morning sleeper. She was not an early riser even when she was young.

No sooner she gets up, now-a-days she is calling me Ramakrishna. Ramakrishna happens to be my paternal grandfather's name.

She gets up with pain. I console myself: “as we become old, we get up with pain, her pain is more."

She will visit toilet groaning with pain, then brush her two teeth.

She will open the main door to see the kolam (rangoli) done by her daughter-in-law.

I don't remember my mother doing these rangoli things in her younger days. 
12/07 Direct Link

Year 2003..... was at my office with an important meeting.  My wife called me several times and I was unavailable.

The urgent matter was that a motorcyclist hit my mother near the Saibaba temple on her left leg knee  and she was admitted to the Hospital.

My wife had taken her to the Hospital with the help from the chap who had hit my mother.

Only  later did my role came for worries and doing the needful to my mother. The knee was repaired and after some initial training in the walker mother was able to stand.

12/08 Direct Link

She prays to God: "God please make me alright. Let my pain go."
I join her prayers: "God show me the ways to lessen her pains. Give her strength to bear the pains"
My trials of taking my mother to an ENT doctor did not give me good result. The doctor tried with several tuning forks to make her hear. He recommended a hearing machine to her. We bought that to her.
No chance. Her hearing did not improve.
How I accepted that her hearing impairment is not a big thing is a good story. I shall tell them.
12/09 Direct Link
The Tamil  movie called "Mozhi" ('language') changed me. The heroine is dumb and deaf.
"When we know the language of heart, there is no need to have a spoken language to communicate" This was the theme of that mind blowing movie.
The hero loves the dumb girl deeply in spite of her inability to speak.
He marries her and the scenes in that movie made me ponder. Hearing or speaking is not required for a loving communication.
Whatever I want to convey to mother, I can convey. It is easy. No worry, because she can't hear me.    
12/10 Direct Link
There is yet another advantage of my mother not able to hear. 
Once my mother's  daughter-in-law (my wife) had taken her to KMC hospital to have a check up of her leg.
My wife can speak to the doctor about my mother's ailments. The doctor's questions my mother cannot understand.
The doctor asked: "Is it your mother?"
Wife: "My mother-in-law"
Doctor: "She cannot hear?"
Wife: "No she cannot....."
Doctor: "very can scold her in whatever way you want...."
That is true. My poor mother cannot hear the scoldings by my dear wife.
12/11 Direct Link
There are good thoughts. Good intentions. Glad that, I often tell myself that my mission in life is to take proper care of my mother.
At this stage, I should pat my mother lovingly. I should hug her at times. As far as possible be with her. Do her small favours. Assist her in her personal works with smile.
At an age where girls marry, she lost her husband. She was around 28 when she lost her husband.
She got a job in the State Road Transport concern where my late father worked.
My mother's story of the past.
12/12 Direct Link
I remember my maternal Grand mother's agony when she came over to Bangalore to be of support to my mother and her three little kids in the year 1965.
My maternal Grandfather also came.
I don't know (how will I know?) how my parents married life was.
All I remember is that, father lying at the Bowring Hospital and later the horse drawn cortege, when we fed his dead mouth with rice.
I slightly remember my father attired in home guard uniform. 
 Trying to go back to my mother's past timeline.
12/13 Direct Link
My mother should have experienced a mental trauma when she delivered my younger sister. Loss of spouse is another hit.
Circumstances forced her to go to work. As children we never knew her mental agony. (for that matter, who knows whose agony? why do we bother about others mental state?)
My mother's sister was also with us till she got married in the year 1967.
My mother, her sister, my maternal grandparents and my sister was the first family set up I remember well. Father mother and children I don't remember well.
4 adults 3 children.
12/14 Direct Link
Adults were taking care of the house hold. My younger sister and me were admitted to a school nearby. My youngest sister was an infant and she was not very healthy like us.
My grandfather took a job locally. 
They paid the house rent, We changed the house. Adults took care of all the expenses. Mother went to work. Grandmother fed us well.
We never knew the difficulties of running a family.
I was a pampered child by my grandmother.
The lousy thoughts as I have now are the same as I had as a child.
One thought always.....
12/15 Direct Link

This 'I' is from her womb. This existence in this world is due to her. She planned my existence? I don't think that there is a very serious plan in our parents to bring us to this world. It happened.
I don't have any perception of 'me' when I was inside her.
With all her hardships, she would have been joyful to take me in her laps and bosom.
She would have felt a tinge of joy when I smiled at her.
She had to clean my excretions. She had to take care of me very tenderly.
Oh, my mother.
12/16 Direct Link

Oh, mother.
I have nothing else to thank for in this world other than you. You are the first thing in life to thank for. My first priority.
Oh, my creator.
My physical faculties, my thinking with all negativities and positivities are influenced by you.
Your egg mingled with the sperm. OK. That's all.
The creation began in your womb. The rest of the development is you.
You were with me after that.
You gave me education.
You din't question me on anything. This independent life on my own is your gift.
You provided me with everything till you earned.
12/17 Direct Link

Mother, you have your frailities. I din't understand your helplessness in my younger days. Now, I understand....but your age is gone.
I now know what your physical and mental needs would have been when you were between the age of 28 and 40.
I can say, just I can say -(nothing more - no meaning) that you could have concentrated more in your career or could have taken a boy friend in your organisation.
I now understand very well that there are limitations, constraints circumstances that dictate life. We call it fate.
What you did is the best. The best.
12/18 Direct Link

Mother, what you did is the best.
I wrongly perceived that you give more importance to sisters than me. Now I realise that you did your best and you were right.
I have observed that you did the things which were needed correctly.
I remember the difficulty of getting a marriage hall to perform sister's marriage during1984. You wandered here and there and got a perfect marriage hall.
I remember that you told a cousin of mine to apply for a job in a concern where I worked. That made him shine better. Nobody remembers this. I remember - your intution.
12/19 Direct Link

Am I writing the feelings about my mother? Do all my feelings come out as I think?
My mother expresses her thoughts very well? Females talk with good expressions? Because she is deaf she tells about her experiences only? When she starts talking she keeps on telling something and says only the good things about her?
Actually there is an error in one of the previous entries about the date when she was hit on the knee during her active walking life. It was the year 2005 and not 2003 as I recorded.
I give full ear to her - yes.
12/20 Direct Link

Give the full ear to mother. My prejudice should not hamper in knowing the exact thing she wants.
Though I don't remember my interactions with my father, one thing he said I remember: "Take care of mother and Meena" Meena is my younger sister. Why father did not tell to take care of Raji my youngest sister?
Decades have gone. Siblings and myself really had our share of good and bad things in our life. Thanks to our mother.
My mother lived about 9 years with her husband, about 28 years she worked and with us, about 22 years.
12/21 Direct Link

My maternal grandmother wanted a female child very badly and with all worship and prayers got a female child 5th in the surving order.
She is a pampered child.
Perhaps she hated her eldest brother who reprimanded her for being self centered. In all her old stories she will tell that her elder brother would scold her like this and like that.
She will tell about her discontinity in her studies due to Grandfather's negligence.
These are her stories and I am not able to say whether she is right or not.
I can see the flaws only in present.
12/22 Direct Link

She has got love for reading words. She used to buy magazines and books when she was working.

Tamil books and magazines. I think her mind is kept in balance due to that reading.

She liked watching movies. She sometimes bunked office, took time from Saturday afternoons and went to movie theaters to see movies.

She had to tell lies to her mother to have this passion to be continued without stop.There were misunderstandings. Her mother expected to do the household duties

My mother was not keen on that.

Sometimes she will shout at my grandmother to leave her alone.

12/23 Direct Link

Shouting the frustration.

My mother used to fight with her mother. She wanted to live alone with her kids. She used to yell at her mother whenever grandmother asked her to help  in the kitchen works.

In spite of all this our grandparents never left us. These fights at home when we were kids were horrible. Past.

I don't think our life would have been better if our grandparents were not with us.

My mother is not good at doing  things independently.

Mother can read and write her own thoughts which cannot be mixed with others thoughts.   
12/24 Direct Link

When did this Rheumatic Arthritis start? Why didn't we nip the problem at the bud?

It was during 80s that mother took some treatment at a naturopathy hospital at Bengaluru. The hospital was near that Amar hotel, opposite to City Railway station.

Mother had body pains. I was travelling to work which was 70kms away from Bengaluru.

I just used to visit her.

She was hearing then?

I don't remember the past so well.

She was alright after that.

Earning and spending money. My mindset was I should earn and support her.

I did not think about her spending or savings.
12/25 Direct Link

My mother's story is not that tragedy, but for me it is tragedy - because she is my mother.

In my wife's eyes, it is not a tragedy or a sad story. It is my mother's fate.

My mother thinks good? Why then she spits venom when her desires are hindered?

She can't  tolerate the TV channel being changed. What she thinks only she will be telling. Sometimes it is not pleasing for us to hear that.

When fully raged she will start cursing people. The curses will be so severe that people on the other side will start hating her.
12/26 Direct Link

When all her colleagues could make a house of their own at Bengaluru, my mother did not have that blessings.

She did not have much knowledge regarding savings or practical procedures to make an asset.She will measure the big plot which was opposite to our PWD quarters.

What is the use of measurement? We should have the money. We didn't know the ways and means.

Without thinking much about the future my mother would spend all her money.

Not the lavish spending for bigger things but needs for her children and to her cinemas.

Mother - her own world.   
12/27 Direct Link

Seeing her physical inability and my great thought of supporting her, I told her to come to my working place taking a transfer from her work or quitting her job.

No, she never gave a thought for my thought and went on her independent way.

She stayed with my younger sister and helped her physically and financially.

At that juncture it was important.

Unlike me and my younger sister, my youngest sister was not healthy.

She had the breathing problem and she was destined to have a partner who was not working for a company or government concern. Yes, past.

12/28 Direct Link

I felt bad and helpless with regard to my mother on the following occasions.

1) When I went to her office when she decided to quit her work. The young big boss there said that she was of no use to the organisation. She is deaf and cannot understand things.

2) When I ask my wife to give her the special things which she gives to me, she makes a wry face and has her own reasons treating my mother like that.

3) My mother telling all old stories with no stuff and people giving deaf hear to her thoughts.

12/29 Direct Link

It is good to see mum watch the words on TV.

The characters in the serials have a name. The inspector in the serial has his name plate on his uniform.

My mother goes near the screen, keenly registers his name to her mind.

A debate is going on the TV. My mother wants to know the title of the debate. The title will be long. My mother has difficulty in registering that.

My mother's another hobby is writing down the movie titles.

She works hard to write down to write the titles of the movies. She enjoys doing writing. 

12/30 Direct Link

I feel very much. My mother does not have a house of her own, made from her earnings.

All her colleagues have. Her siblings have.

She talks about old stories about herself. The stories don't have strength. Self pity.

She has earned more. She doesn't have anything of her own. An ID of her own is not there.

I tried to make an Adhar card of her own. I tried to get one bank account for her. Unfortunately her identity card did not come out. Bank account is also not successful.

No card now. No bank account for her.

12/31 Direct Link

I have taken the full margin given by the site to complete December batch.

I have not expressed my full feelings about my mother.I shall try to express more when the feelings strike me when writing 100 words on the net as diary.

Now my work is to take my mother to eye hospital to treat her glaucoma and cataract.I have to take care of my mother with all my patience and perseverance.

I should write about her feelings to feel fine and realize the God who is responsible for my existence in this world. I will do.