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BY pearl

06/01 Direct Link

today my father chose to die

we took him into the room
where his wife, our mother
beloved,  delightful and
exasperating companion of 
sixty years
lay quietly,  semi comatose 
having herself decided 
just eighteen hours before
it was time to go

I put my hands upon his shoulders
and said
 she has decided to go 
we know you have been waiting,  faithfully
everything is now done
we love you very much
and we support you to go as well

he sighed and slid into a deep sleep
and there they lay
for an hour and a half
walking in other worlds
 
06/02 Direct Link

Feelings 
 
still swirl 
around
the day you 
galloped into death
as if you were riding a battle horse.
 
You breathed out
quite simply
just minutes after 
we returned from the library 
at ten to nine at night. 
 
We said goodbye. 
We were expecting a long vigil,  
but you just stopped breathing.
Calm settled over your features.

The nurse tucked
a small,  rolled towel
under your chin
and late at night
another brought you
two roses
still wet from the garden
to lay on your chest. 

 I held your hand
or perhaps you held mine
as your body grew cold. 
06/03 Direct Link
SHE brings me
perfectly 
in alignment 
with my whole Soul 
I wear a re- woven garment
with stars sewn in the hem.

Ever and again
I simply
step out of pain
from other timelines.
Now and always, I 
say no to fear. 

I  trust myself completely. 
How will I live,  I mean today? 

I need
filtered water, organic food 
beach walks, laughter
fairy lights, writing, a warm bed
warm house, meditation and dance
hugs, love..companionship 
and sometimes advice.
 
I also want the man who lights
the white fires around me
to keep us safe, growing 
Aroha flowing-
The cup overflowing..
 

 

 
06/04 Direct Link
What does Hades think
of all these souls
gathering the treasures of His kingdom
and laying them
at Her feet
in that tangle of a jasmine scented garden
that She made
when He granted Her a corner plot? 

There is a secret smile
beneath that severe looking beard. 
Hades has long been accustomed 
to Persephone bringing 
the lush scents of summer gardens
and perfumes distilled from roses 
visited by bees. 

Hades is all for resurrection. 
It was getting overcrowded and rather
sterile,  with all that self recrimination and regret. 

He is pleased-
He has some unexpected time
with his Beloved! 
06/05 Direct Link
Hera is loving 
Her blue hexagonal star beckons
inward to places
where spiritual intent
may be 
created
together
in her embrace. 

She is demanding
presence is required and honesty.
She shelters those
who seek 
true marriage
of mind, intent
or life together.

She is visting
her brother Hades
Lord of the unforgiven dead.
She pleads
that each be given
another chance
lest circumstances 
were once against them
and they did not learn 
the power
of intimacy.

Hades gives her a dusty corner
and She, Queen of Heaven, 
makes a garden-
It is well that you have come,
she says, 
Welcome.

06/06 Direct Link
Yes I am angry
don't corrupt
my love of blue doors
with your proposal made to another woman
behind a blue door
and then proclaim it to the world.
 
It's taken
a year for my
anger to surface
I would like to slam
that blue door in your face-
What a pity
I own property with you
Ours
and have a memory or two.
You built your  new relationship on lies
Why should I accommodate you?
literally,  that is. 

Go and live in London
behind a blue door.
I will have this sunny coast- 
It is cold there
even in summer. 

 



 
06/07 Direct Link
a time for
contemplation
pondering
as I gaze
at the face
of my father
as I last saw him
at rest
peaceful
in death

I asked him
how should I
think
feel
respond
to a man
who loves me so much
with whom ideas and intuitions fly
but who 
wants only
a creative partnership

I want my students
to be grounded
in their practise
I want to review my own

You saw yourself 
putting on new pants
running to me
as I spoke
in a large auditorium
I felt you with me
I saw you
pick up our golden child

 
06/08 Direct Link
that dream
had you running
out of your house of Self
as you know it now
down a passage 
putting on new pants
and pausing 
at the threshold
of an auditorium

a bigger place
full of people
a bigger world of Self
than you have ever dreamed before
you saw me smiling at the people
and turning to smile, and nod
at you,  you saw
a golden child 
enfolded in my generous dress

you entered from the left
acknowledged the crowd
and took your place on the dias 
beside me
you picked up the child
who snuggled 
into your lap
06/09 Direct Link
can I trust
that I can be tender
and still a leader? 

that I have an incisive mind
that can sort
the myriad of dreams? 

that I can carve
a path to be 
loyal, loving
and an activist
as well as mind 
my own business? 

that I can be thrilled,
delighted, high
with each sensation
yet remain grounded 
and organised? 

that I can invest my time 
and money well
write, make art, an income
and good friends
both keeping true
and letting go? 

that I can give my life
extravagantly 
yet still nurture myself
and allow age to come 
gracefully?
06/10 Direct Link
this beach house is perfect
beds for eight, wooden floors, big rugs 
a log fire
a large gas cooker, plates, bowls and pots-
it's just across the road and a scramble 
through the dunes
to the wide grey expanse of beach 
driftwood,  gulls
that we loved so much
when Nana turned ninety 

that gathering 
in that other beach house
was a love story..she was already 
confused as who
was who 
and so was Dad
but they beamed
to have us close

I couldn't get
that place facing
the moody sea-
we have turned inland
now
that they have died


 
06/11 Direct Link

Here comes a big splash!
Oh no, run up to the ship 
under the tractor 
on the seesaw,
let's go up the lighthouse 
and down the slide, 
now onto the big boat, the real one, 
mind your head Daddy! I'm Driving! 
Can I have a swing? Let's go down the beach 
There's a house and I can carry 
this big log, now you carry it !please?
You are drawing in the sand! That's my shell! 
Here's a big big puddle!
Let's go home now, let's take this, all this..
Oh the blue slide, can we go on the blue slide? 
06/12 Direct Link
fishes are creatures
to wonder at
especially when you are two
and there are two
of you
to clamber on the seats
to gaze
at one fish, two fish
gold fish, blue fish
flitting in and out the reeds
and hiding in the wrecked galleon
that mysteriously shrank
and found itself
in an aquarium-
that is
after
you have drunk
your babychinos
with cinnamon
and put Minnie Mouse
and Peppa Pig to bed under
blue paper napkins
in the cafe
with the panoramic view
of wild seas
where your great grandparents
brought their grandsons,  your papas 
not so long ago. 






 
06/13 Direct Link
today
the last post
made me cry
as I knew it would

we got through
the hugs
the greetings
the love and kindness
our tributes
prayers,  songs
photos of 
turning points and happy moments
my grandchildren were angels
but then

your watch is over
a salute
the bugle
 
the poppies
and the rosemary
that I had cut
from my sister's garden
and laid in baskets
were placed upon your
caskets
as the weather grew colder

loyal kind and true
and attentive to your duty
your bodies left behind
with a legacy
that we must use 
now
in a different world 
06/14 Direct Link
we have come home with flowers
two extravagant 
arrangements
that lay
upon your rimu coffins
exploding
decorously
as you did
in your extravagant loving-
red and orange
apricot and cream roses
red carnations
your favourite
cream gladioli
rosemary and trailing ivy
cream, sweetly fragranced
freesias
all reminiscent
of your gardens
red apples for the abundant
life you gave us
silver eucalyptus and 
green New Zealand ferns
held by foliage of 
deep green and rust-
flowers that interpreted 
our every wish
in an artistic creation
that surpassed
anything we could hope for

tomorrow I will make
simple bouquets
for your friends 



06/15 Direct Link
so little is known of a life
crumbs left
after the knife
has sliced the bread
 
a smear on the spoon
to tell you 
he found the 
fresh lemon curd
 
an apple core maybe
and a napkin
folded, or tossed 
aside as his mother
would never allow 

the Monday pudding
boiled by Freida
in the old copper
in the house 
with the jacarandah tree

a taste for curry
acquired during
a long ago war
stories 
he has never told 

batteries 
for the hearing aid
water now,  and tea
instead of brandy 
 
the grandfather clock
his life's seconds numbering 

has stopped 
06/16 Direct Link
If I were 10 years younger
I wouldn't hestitate
to leave
my friends
familiar places
sunshine
family
a home studio
beaches
to follow that clear
line of professional advancement
that one 
that will take 10 years 
to master 
or would I?
 
In higher ranking universities 
they want that PhD 
your established research profile
before you even speak to a student
that Phd I don't have
because I worked 
frontline for so long
that research that 
was always presented at conferences
instead of being
published
in academic journals

10 years ago
I was emersed 
in practise

There was 
 no clear line
 


 
 
06/17 Direct Link
5hours  by road non stop to a city
3hours to the coast
$150 to fly to hub city at 6am Mon Fri
plus connections
add flying time
the real issue would be travel time
 sacrifice of family time
friendship time
creativity time
workshop time
working full time
great for salary 
great for super
great for passing on skills
maybe 
great for 
organising my thinking
and maybe not
maybe great for new networks
new skills,  research
a new phase in my career
maybe a new romance
and maybe not




 
06/18 Direct Link
It is easy 
to apply
I have the credentials 
the experience 
the expertise 
though not the research 
or record
of publications

It is easy to imagine
teaching
renting a house
in this mountain town
making new friends
flying out
to see my little ones
on either coast 
walking in the forests
gardening
and lighting fires

I know I would write
make the images
I long to make
but
would you still see 
my soul
or would you believe
I had sold out?

I am scared 
of the solitude 
that might ensue
if I leave all the possibilities
between us
behind
06/19 Direct Link
I got back to find
an official letter
saying I did not return
the plates
for the car
that I still drive!! 

It is registered
it is insured
why would I return the plates
or perhaps
it would be safer
to travel
incognito?

It's an old car
It goes very well
though no one
would want to steal it. 

 It's had a bump or two
some scratches
on the paintwork 
where the door
slammed against
a concrete wall
one winters night

but it's mine, I tell you
I will call up and haggle
I'm not handing in the plates! 

 
06/20 Direct Link

I look at 
the rubble
on the driveway

and empty 
rubbish bins
on the verge

why am I living on the edge
at this time in my life? 
 
I have thrown away
what I do not need-
what can be born 
through me?  
through us? 

there are
lunatics in charge
of several powerful nations
and gunmen
aiming to bring them down-
we understand
why America has to be first
but must we be second-
in the race to 
destroy
the earth and one another?

we are all standing in the rubble
of civilisation
what courage will it take 
to rebuild? 

 


 
 
06/21 Direct Link
gather 
what 

have
and make
an offering
 
now 
in this 
last hour
of the waning year

this year begun
in shock
grief
rage
and resignation
 
and your calm, deep
witnessing-
has fullfilled
itself
in the sacred finale
of my parents' deaths

their extravagant love
bound them for a lifetime-
daily life shaped by
duties
they chose themselves 
 
I love
but have not yet chosen 
or been chosen 
I tend the fire
right here
at the crossroads

I am
beginning to understand
the readiness 
is all
 
and that readiness
differs
in its substance
and it's fragrance
from hour to hour. 



 
06/22 Direct Link
I haven't yet come
back to that place
of grounded contentment
that comes when
I have made something
done something
written something
that just says
this is true
C'est ca! 
 
I feel unravelled
as if six kittens
had pulled apart 
this lovely shawl of teal ribbon
and left a scrambled heap-
still lovely, but useless
especially now it's getting colder..

I long for the comfort
of conversation
your log fire
and the flash of joy
that comes
from knowing, acknowledging
I am on track.
 
Instead I feel
as if the timelines 
are all tangled
and I'll never get them back. 
 
06/23 Direct Link
Haumea 
fire Mother

I know you
as I stand in the green fire 
flaming through the heart-
through greener fields
than cool Athena 
is accustomed to-

Yes, yes flame from the core
of Earth's rebirth
Yes, yes flame through me
Earth is not only
under the dust or fertile soil
it is the sphere 
we live within-

Let every bird call 
and insects' shifting presence 
be the subtle movement of
my nervous system
expanded 
as it is sometimes 
wise to be.

You are my flaming core:
the old medicine woman's
cloak lifts freely
and then
folds quietly down 
around me. 





 
06/24 Direct Link

blessing of pain
the breech birth
that delivers
against the odds
a live child
cause for celebration!

curse of pain 
when the child dies
mother, grandmother 
father and midwife grieve
and we wonder if it's worth
going through all 
that again, again

midwives grieve too
and they wonder
could I have done
something 
differently?
they are sometimes
blamed 
and accept blame
for what was never to be

and when we see
our child die
or our student burned 
in some persecution
while we are left
to mourn
we never cease to hear their cries
we cannot even name
the pain
06/25 Direct Link
He will need to be extraordinary
that's what you said
speaking of the man
I am calling in

yes he must honour
my commitment to work-
either be in it with me
or hold quiet space around me
 
I fear
some war or circumstance
will rip my love
and children from me

I am born in the wrong body
my loved ones do not recognise me
I came too soon

open me to life
so that my body is
a temple for the gods to dance in

I ask to heal the timelines
so that I can be fully here
06/26 Direct Link
I didn't know the sand would 
turn copper coloured 
and the sea still have a turquoise edge 
that wind surfers would still
be out
in freezing wind
as grey and crimson 
pale gold and lilac lit
the sky
I didn't know
and I didn't need to know
this was today's discovery 

I did not know
the crescent moon
would rise outside my door
I didn't need to know
this was tonight's discovery

I don't know what
is really going on
deep within
as I restructure 
everything
perhaps I don't need to know
I will find out
or perhaps
I won't. 
 
06/27 Direct Link
Hera, Hades, Kali and Hygeia 
Now what the devil
is Kali doing in the Greek underworld?
 
She says She is primordial
there long before the Aryan
race settled either India or Greece,
known by different names, 
She carries the Fire
of truth
which instantly
destroys
entanglement, projection, lies.
 
Only truth survives
the burial ground.
Only truth burns invisibly 
so that the gods may see.
It's been said:
Only truth will set us free. 

No earthly romance can survive
only love survives- 
No power games, malice, greed
survive though they may rebound
if we do not choose
to Love
Right Now. 
06/28 Direct Link
11 july

it's quiet tonight

in here
the red candle
holds a flickering light
and thankfully has no scent
we have eaten but not yet put on the heating
not yet begun to listen to music or to speak

can we
in this
continuing
moment
walk
the path of truth
embracing truth
without fear?

you are
a courageous man
receiving, clearing, grounding
beyond the known self
trusting the knowing
of the dark heart

I allow
a green fire
which
may yet burn up
everything I possess
more or less
letting the black appear
beyond the blue
so that I am held
entirely




06/29 Direct Link
This course introduces you
to someone
you are likely to know,
perhaps quite well really..

You,  yourself. 
 
This is
a new way to see
someone
already very familiar. 

You probably
live
in a house of Self
constructed by your parents
and perhaps an aunt or uncle, or two
and a couple of teachers.
You
added rooms yourself over the years
certainly,
and maybe planted a favourite tree.

It's all very familiar,
but what if there were treasures here
or an unpainted corner
should turn out to be the sunniest place
and the pleasantest 
to have breakfast on a winter's day? 

 
06/30 Direct Link
My House of Self? 

Oh yes,  a rotten railing on the verandah
needs to be replaced
I know that
and the paintwork
in the hall
is scratched 
from so much
coming and going. 

I like the
music room and the kitchen 
where so many conversations
have taken place
and yes, I know its time
I fixed
the sink
that overflows.. 

Of course! maintenance 
is always needed-

What we are interested in
however
is giving you
time in the garden to play
so that you
come to your House again
like a child
who is discovering
a wonderland
of open
possibility.