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BY pearl

11/01 Direct Link
This morning I cleaned my windows from the outside looking in. Before I cleaned windows from the outside looking in upstairs in my old house. Its a metaphor. I have so often looked from the inside out Now it is time to let others In
11/02 Direct Link
you are silent
silent
silent
not the silence of solitude
not the silence of contemplation
not the silence of content

no
this is the silence of panic
fear,  self abandonment
loss of hope in presence
and the dawning moments of love

this is a silence
that is not full of stars
but of hungry ghosts
knawing your soul
you retreat from life
and cannot reach me

this is a silence that 
triggers my fears sends me 
spiralling
into panic
momentarily I lose my centre

I find you again beyond the silence
11/03 Direct Link
I was greeted by a rose I thought I had lost
translucent red,  it's modest petals
cupped in the morning sun
to receive the early sunlight
 stamens a bright gold in its centre
freeing itself
from fresh grape vines
bearing clusters of heavy fruit

It's a message 
said both my sisters
Oh yes
It tells me
nothing counts but love


I thought I had lost the power to love
when the invitation to hate 
tried to choke me
and my disappointment
at being discounted,  dishonoured and betrayed
made me rage 
and lent me a physical strength I did not have
until I fell aching
onto a thin mattress
and did not sleep

destroying my garden 
was a desecration 
that could only be unconscious revenge and hatred
a carelessness
that tossed off all our years together

so much lost
but this one red rose
says nothing counts but love
 
11/04 Direct Link
The taste of betrayal is a fierce sore throat why? Is it from not shouting out to the world what a lying, self serving, despicable creature you are? What man would take a ten dollar padlock from a side gate, compromising security and knowing I am going to sleep alone in the empty house? The same man who himself at 5.30 one morning, surprised a would be sexual predator on the stairs.Same house. He had carefully cut out the entire kitchen window, not visible from the street. And I slept there unknowing. My throat may be less sore tomorrow.
11/05 Direct Link
Have I been fair? /A little voice says no, incompetent/ Not dishonest/self absorbed,/not himself/ In crisis/But still as irritating as hell/ Why would I want anything to do with that /level of incompetence? Am I still out to rescue men? /It's time I wrote on the Mysteries of Medusa/Whose wrath turned men to stone/ Whose power taken into the heart redeemed/Gives Athena all her power to rule/over war and peace/ Within her realm
11/06 Direct Link
I have written for six hours/ that was a good thing to do/I feel more centred/at home in myself / I want to finish up November/ What a month/ not much writing on the day/out of sheer fury and exhaustion/ and not too much help/ Well, I am slimmer, fitter, grateful for competence/buying what I need without hestitation/ able to enjoy shifting energy/a bit scared still of being totally, irrevocably in charge of everything/ less likely to accommodate fools/ less likely to walk around obstacles/ more likely to push through them,/ or simply take a different path/.100
11/07 Direct Link
I am working backward/ into the time a month ago/ when I was reeling with shock/ when all my quietness was shattered/ when all my content was taken away/ by a layer of betrayal/ that I had not expected/ I found the shadow place/ that took me beyond my identity/ as someone who manages quite well-/ I did not manage this,/ I raged!/ Rage took me beyond/ beyond/ beside myself/ beyond my known identity/ into a place/ where my only anchor was the earth herself/ where I could stare down hatred/ where only Love held me/ where only Love counts/ 100
11/08 Direct Link
this will never be done by me alone/ I never expected to do this alone/ I am fighting dust/ and a stale, resentful hatred that pervades this place/ I am fighting my grief/ as I set to/ to clean and sweep/ and replant and trim/ and dig and begin/ to paint and and and/ at night I am exhausted/ and and and/ I can never do this alone/ SO I will not/ whatever it takes there will be a sound house/ there will be a clean, fresh house/ whatever the effort there will be beauty to welcome new owners/ I will sweep whatever grief I had/ right out the door/ I will welcome grace and happiness/
11/09 Direct Link
clover,/ in clover/ I found four,/ four leaved clovers/ here the day I decided to stay/ here in the lucky, lucky country/ it was just one plant I am sure/ a freak that I stumbled upon/ but it said to me here/ you are here/ in the lucky/ yes, the lucky, lucky country/ the clover is not native to here/ the migrants they brought it from home/ from England and Ireland/ places for them/ which could no longer be called lucky/ no longer their lucky, lucky country/ my ancestors too/ came from these places/ greener the pastures than here/ where the shamrock meant more than a pasture/ and wearing the green so much more/ but they came/these white ones/ as free settlers/ they came starving/ and in chains/ when they were fed and finally freed/ it was agreed, we have found/ the lucky lucky country/ I am here 'cos I followed a calling/ my ancestors have followed me too/ and I found four/ four leaved clovers/ the day I decided to stay/ in this lucky, lucky land
11/10 Direct Link
Tomorrow is 11|11/ the day / to remember/ with horror and with thanks/ our for bearers who went to war/ whether or not they chose to/ whether or not they were brave/ whether or not they rose to the occasion/ as many undoubtedly did/ whether or not they found mate-ship/ as many undoubtedly did/ whether or not they forever/ bore secret hells within them/ as many undoubtedly did/ We remember the ones who ran farms/ and knitted the socks and watched/ as the wounded returned/ to the strains of Waltzing Matilda/ And the band played Waltzing Matilda/ We salute you/ for many your watch is now over-/ We salute you, we remember with grief and pride/ those who returned/ never forgetting the many who died/ Increasingly now we will honour you/ and those from the other side/
11/11 Direct Link
I have baked parsnips with sage/ this garden is a consolation/ herbs gifted to me/ by the last gardener.../ lavender cut in the early morning/ and gifted to the gardener/ who is giving me buffalo grass trailers/ in the hope that I can repair my lawn/ destroyed by those who are not gardeners/ and who do not wish to be/ who let loose a large dog/ who anyway hate this garden/ because I made it.../ I will eat my parsnips/ cold with olive oil, lemon/ and fresh spinach/ suited to this climate/ I wonder if I will taste the figs?/ 100
11/12 Direct Link
I am angry/ very, very angry/ I have betrayed myself/ by staying/ by giving/ too much for too long/ for ignoring/ the fuzziness around my will/ the sign I was no longer/ living with keen-edged passion/ or rather, all of that went into work/ work that was so exhausting/ I did not know my limits/ work that so took up my creativity and passion/ that contemplation/ came a poor second and/ you came in/ a weary eighth/ I gave/ as a good companion should/ but I did not love/ with keen-edged passion/ your lazy betrayal/ merely followed/ my own 100
11/13 Direct Link
I am up very early/ while it is cool/ there is still mist on the lake/ birds are calling../ I have an old knife/ I am digging the weeds/ out of the brick paving/ weeds/ that should not have been allowed to grow/ baking red brick/ green weeds, six sorts-/ it's amazing how they find/ a place to secure their roots/ in sand/ between red bricks/ holding on, thrusting up/ in merciless sun/ still they thrive/ and I/ am pouring boiling water/ on their tenacious life/ I have the audacity/ to terminate their initiative because I am human/ and I can/ 100
11/14 Direct Link
I will/ NOT NOT NOT/ support a man/ NEVER EVER NO/ NO NO NO!/ I just care for salty truth-/ I will not offer/ to make life easy/ help you up / help you along/ I do not care/ about your shining potential/ NO NO NO!/ So do not ask me/ to give you money/ lend a hand-/ move in or stay with me/ The answer may offend-/ NO NO, NO NO NO/ Do not tell me "if you loved me.."/ "it's only just for a little while"/ The simple answer to all/ you guys/ is NEVER EVER/ NO NO NO!
11/15 Direct Link
Don't text me at 2am!/ what are you trying to do?/ I am awake at five, asleep by ten/ I am working like I am obsessed/ Actually I'm quite distressed/ I can't attend to you!/ You've done it again/ Sorry babe I was late in tonight/ at 2am? yes, that is late-/ are you a gambling man?/ Perhaps you do not want to talk-/ so be it then!/ You are worried yes, I know/ Don't think it doesn't show/ You do not have to chat for hours/ Just say/ hello, how was the day?/ I hope tomorrow/ is a better one./ 100
11/16 Direct Link
I go down for a swim in the pearly evening
breathing the love around me
splashing,  coolness flowing over my skin
 watching a little girl balance
on a high limestone wall
and jump!  Into the sand
the wind the wind!  she exults

There's no need to stress
don't sweat the small stuff
Slowly it will all be done-
a quiet heart is everything.
11/17 Direct Link
ships in the night/ we were ships in the night/ you and I/ just ships in the night/ sa-aad-ly/ just ships in the night/ I saw the colours of your sail/ I saw the colours of your Soul/ my heart leaped, to see your colours/ sailing/ toward me/ I was happy for a day/ but the winds/ oh yes, the winds/ were blowing/ quite another way/ ships in the night/ just ships in the night/ you and I / we were just ships in the night/ we felt each other passing/ in the night/ but in the clear light of morning/ you had sailed/ clear away/ ships in the night darling/ we were ships in the night/ just ships in the night/ sa-aad-ly/ maybe, and just maybe, gladly/ we were ships in the night/ ships in the night
11/18 Direct Link
I volunteered
to speak to a man on Manus island
just for comfort,  someone cares... 
It's a crime
what is happening-
Imprisoning asylum seekers
detaining them in a Pacific hell
for six years
and then abandoning them
to envy and casual violence because
the Australian government has closed the camp but not made 
safe shelters anywhere
No water, no food in camp,  little beyond
no medicines for cardiac conditions
kidney conditions
psychiatric conditions
Papua New Guinea is a poor
emerging nation
not equipped,  inadequate hospitals,  no mental health services
it's dangerous,  inhumane, merciless
I volunteered
but the chaos
is so great
they have not yet got back to me
Even Medicine Sans Frontieres 
has not been able to reach these men
11/19 Direct Link
today's the day my baby died/ today's the day/ I woke and screamed/ a piercing scream that woke the house/ and brought six children crowding in/ today's the day I howl again/ and hold you in my arms/ I never knew the tears would last/ my whole life through/ the police came, they were kind/ it can't be a good start to the day/ to see us ripped apart by/ sudden death/ a little sniffle../ bring him in if he is not better/ in the morning, the nurses said/ he is birth weight now/ but by morning you were dead/ today's the day I howl again/ I never knew/ that grief would last/ my whole life through/
11/20 Direct Link
I have a very precise list 
 of all the things you promised
and failed to do
I have receipts
a very precise list 
of what it has cost
to employ a carpenter
to buy paint
what it will cost to recarpet and clean
Very precise lists

I have sent you a spreadsheet eight pages long
I cannot take you to court
it would cost too much
and you could just move interstate
or retire,  oh I have no income! 
I have always been clear
always honest
and you always kept your word until now

I can only hope
your need to be honest
outweighs your fear
that your new wife will be angry if you keep your word
and pay what is owed


I know that if you are not honest you may ultimately suicide
but that is up to you
your choice
just as it is my choice 
to give you the spreadsheet
and leave you to decide
how you want to live

I will post this today
and pay my own bills
sort my own affairs
and go once again to tend what
has been left undone
what I want done. 



 
11/21 Direct Link
under devestation,
exhaustion-
under rage
which is an activation of the will to heal
I encountered
an invitation
to hatred

it's very scary
and very real
  
how quick the condemnation
thoughts of revenge
retribution
sowing doubt
getting even
telling the world
escalating... 

no no no 
do not go there!
No thankyou!
I will not do the work of evil
 
as Jason
seized the bulls' horns
and ploughed
the fields of war
unearthing
an army of warriors
sown from his own fears

so I will quietly 
continue
to plough my own field
whatever the cost

 this field shall be made ready

for love,  seeds that will 
lie in the deep earth
to awaken in another season
this
whatever the cost...
11/22 Direct Link
Hatred
lives in the will

It arises when 
lives are under threat
gifts ignored
creations
trampled on

and
when we are bound in love
to those who suffer these affronts
land stolen
rights denied
violence perpetrated
children
raped,  murdered,  stolen
or dying of diseases
easily cured-

Hatred
leads to acts of war
aggression, revenge
Only those
who perceive
who can receive 
hatred
implaccably
and not react
have any chance
as peacemakers 
11/23 Direct Link
 I wrote a poem
I know I did
called
Can we bring our hatred home? 


I looked for it for a full hour from five am til six 
before heading up the freeway
to collect
trailings
of buffalo grass
to repair the lawn
destroyed by the dog
I did not know you had. 

It was an act of hatred to destroy
this garden
no water,  broken irrigation,  no mulch
No thank you to my offer to prune
no maintenance on balcony,  fountain, paths

Not merely casual breezy 
 fecklessness
but active,  if unconscious, hatred

My mind could not,  at first believe it
My heart felt betrayal, devestation
loss,  deep sadness
My will however
is steady,  implacable
and constant


The garden is blooming
I am watering and 
 rethreading the lawn

It's all coming back to life


 
11/24 Direct Link
I ache
with the effort of
a months
shocking cleanup
of the home 
we once shared
and which,  you claim
you left tidy

I ache
with the sadness 
of your lies

nevertheless
though I will be poorer
for your broken promises
I have encountered
the invitation 
to hatred
and decided
to walk clear through it
admiring the sky
grateful
that I have brought the garden back
to beauty
confident
this house will sing with beauty once again
11/25 Direct Link
I was
greeted this morning
by a translucent
open red rose
 
a rambling rose
I thought I had lost
in the abandoned
rampant growth of grapes
trailing geranium and hardenbergia.... 

It was simply there
among the fresh green grape vines
wet with the sprinkling of water
I gave it before even 
noticing it's presence
it's red petals
drinking in the morning sunlight
its
golden centre
open to the light
11/26 Direct Link
Ash Queen

 an older solitary woman
mad,  unkempt,  sitting on a cart without a donkey
going nowhere
sitting in ashes

no one wants to worship you
or even see you
you are reviled
feared,  despised
hated
by those who accidentally find you 
at their table

you walk in stiffly 
and place a white gardinia-
who knows where you got it-
in my lap
I breathe it's night scent
and put it in my fading hair

it is the suffragettes'
white flower of death
to all convention

this is my moment of freedom
 
I will walk where the petals fall
move through busy streets
and picnic at the beach
doing what is necessary
smiling,  laughing,  crying
knowing
the stillness at the heart of life

I will create knowing 
all that is created passes

I will love knowing
all love disapoints
until we are pierced
and stand within
each other 
with pure compassion


 
11/27 Direct Link
I am deeply grieving
I can feel the tears in my chest and moving through my lymph,  moving through my whole body
I am not yet free
not yet still. 

I am grieving broken friendship
broken faith
love betrayed for primal security

home,  comfort and beauty desecrated
rage and hatred set loose 
like banshees I do not wish to chase

I trusted you would keep your word
but you have not-
 
your fear
has cost much more than money
your lies may cost your life
and I will not cross the road to help
 
my fear has brought me this grief
and cost me time and money

I should have sliced through the knot
with a more radical honesty 
when I knew you 
would never go deeper

Who witnesses this but my guides? 
Who comforts me but She?

Her face today is that of the ash goddess.
11/28 Direct Link
there she goes/ the wild one/ she can't be pinned down/ no man's wife/ no man's woman/ no one to cook for/ or look for, at the end of the day/ I can rise or sleep/ can write or leap/ into the crashing waves/ no-one will know/ if I don't come back/ at least for several days/ I don't want to belong/ don't know any song/ don't believe anything/ but somewhere I know/ how to murmmer and bring/ breath, yes/ a sigh, and new breath/ I'll allow the wave/ that is only a ripple/ to take me/ over the next curve/
11/29 Direct Link
dear John you say you haven't eaten in four days/ only biscuits in your fridge/ you've been pacing up and down the street/ a millionaire, but no money in your pocket/ not even enough to eat/ you have no health insurance, so you say/ you have no travel insurance either/ there's no insurance for your project/ for theft or for delay/ you tell me you are thirty years in this business/ well, you don't say!/ you only need to borrow/ a small amount to finish/ but you can't-/ even though your credit is good, you say/ you can't wait to come home to me/ can't see it, anyway!/ you won't go to your Embassy / you did not go to Brussels/ you did not go to see your bank/ you did not loose your computer/ you didn't want me to track/ the fact/ you had not left your location/ Selangor or Darwin or anywhere / con-men/ and scam artists hangout/ no, you do not own a place in Camp Mountain/ pleasant as that may be/ you did not build dams, canals and bridges/ though you may have studied/ to be an engineer/ that much is getting clear/ no, I will not wipe the tears/ from your face and from your heart/ because they weren't there actually/ even at the start-/ you gave sensitive feedback/ maybe you've known loss/ but you're not the man you say you are/ and I will not bear the cost/ you should have been a novelist/ you are so very good at spin/ that contract wasn't real though/ I knew that even then/ but I didn't really like to think/ you were sucking me right in/ I'm not too impressed by money/ so that one didn't wash/ suicide threats don't impress me either/ they're just a lot of tosh/ I won't be paying an hotel bill/ for an address you will not share/ I won't be meeting you or giving you a loan/ you'd need to hunger for the truth my friend/ before I'd really care-/ you opened me up to loving/ you opened me up to song/ you liked my photos and my company/ but all in all/ it's been four months too long/ why don't you get a life/ become an honest man?/ then someone will meet your longing/ for walking on a sunset beach/ at long last, hand in hand/
11/30 Direct Link
That's a fine nanny goat: sturdy, clear eyes, in calf. She will be a good addition to our herd Yes, certainly a good exchange for our daughter She has just turned ten, pretty enough a few more moons and she will bear you sons Oh, she'll do as she is told, fetch the water, sweep the compound- You know she's a good girl I'll miss her quiet eyes- But, yes, this is a fine nanny goat It's a fair exchange. Meanwhile her mother weeps This one, no not Sani! My youngest, the bright the merry, the clever one She is only shy around the men! She can calculate the cost of the trades She knows my songs and the names of herbs and stars because I taught her She learned to read the papers by herself when she thought I didn't see It's dangerous for a girl to read but, but some must- .. in the hellish cities,they must because it was women with their strange speech, who came to talk about how to use the well and to boil the water at first.... Maybe my Sani could be one of those women and not go to that smelly old man I will never see her, oh I will never see her We have enough goats anyway.