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A Black Swan appeared in my black gesso
at sunset last night
By the time I turned
to fetch the camera
it was mostly silver in the light,
the wet, but black
gesso gleaming in the almost night.
A Black Swan moment
is a paradigm shift
when something once thought
impossible announces it's presence.
I know the legend, the Black Swans are black because
when the sun veered off course
plunging towards earth
the swans flew up and directed it back, risking their lives and gaining black feathers
and firey red beaks for their gallantry.
There are families of black swans here-
anything is possible.
You ask what needs to be gathered up? Are there mouldy apples lying in some corner?/There are boxes to sort, paper to shred, my worms like paper.Could I do it faster?/Yes, however I also want to swim in the gentle green ocean, praising the salt! /and paint!/My February soul is planting a blood orange,/a lemon,a mandarin in recycled pots,/using compost made last winter./The basket before me is a wicker laundry basket.Everything has been folded and put away. It is simple here. I wear a tee shirt and sarong all day long.I want to join you.Making compost is dirty work, if satisfying. At this season I will line my laundry basket with fresh peppermint and bring oranges, watermelon and mangoes.
translucent bluebells call me to live, you to die- on midsummers day Daddy,lift me up I can't walk on the flowers they will be crushed the bluebells still call from the green edge of the wild- walking together Esme beloved you have always been near me always within me grey clouds and longing under the bed with my dolls come back,right now! yellow daffodils gold upon golden fields dancing my sisters are born green fields, white lillies a very long walk to school climbing and sliding Esme, beloved you have always been near me always within me Pohutukawa blaze crimson as they guard us crossing onto sand lunchtime on the beach I am looking for cats eyes infinite spirals- at last I am nine free to climb up the gum tree and dam up the creek I find holly trees in a sacred grove close by it is my secret Esme beloved you have always been near me always within me I cross the city now I love the old villas I am making art I study people the ultimate mystery at home in myself just seventeen now passion! adventure! the World! You are always near- Esme, beloved you have always been near me always within me I hear your name, it is also my name I bear your name Beloved
A dandelion is not a pine tree. A discarded milk carton is not a ruby ring. Clean sheets drying in the early morning smell different from the laundry that is yet to be washed.Magpies carol, sitting high in the pine tree. The woman picks dandelion leaves for tea and the little girl blows the thistledown seeds, out, out, over the lawn and the street. The woman picks up the carton and puts on her ring, warrior for the day.
When did I become aware I was in some strange way different from gravel and cucumbers and roses? When did I first feel discomfort, need attention, feel separation, wanting? Yes, my little body was heavy, breathing was strange and you did not always pick me up but your love enveloped me always, forever, as it still does, and so I am not separate, was never separate. Had you you lived we would have disagreed sometimes but underneath known, there is no separation.Even from cucumbers. Even from roses. Even from gravel.
the seventh layer is black after white, buttermilk from deep yellow, sienna making an earthy pink, white again, black, then today, the third layer of black, and into it comes my magic man. You are with me in spirit: can you bring yourself, body and soul into what is to come? I saw you with your first beard, intractable pain like a branding. Is it better inside or out? I recall Rosa saying she was my teacher and I saw her burn: I was too young to be suspected then. I saw this little one burn too, in a temple set alight, my student: I was too old to save her. Black Swans are teaching here.
Panther tiger lion Put them in the same enclosure and which one would win? The tiger is heaviest, most powerful, the panther leaps the highest though they all climb trees. They all run very fast.The lion though will call on the pride, lionesses waiting to move in on the kill. The lions plural would win. They are all ace top predators. They have all shown up in my dreams. Why then am I not defending my territory tooth and nail? Panther says I silently defend your tribe. Any evil and I wipe it out. In this circumstance, there is not evil merely foolishness, and lack of focus. Focus now or you will lose hour home base. Your ground. Tiger says I am the mighty power ghat lives in your creativity. Create a solution. Feed me by eliminating distractions right now. The owl sees what the tiger does not She strategises wheras I am an instinctual shaping power.Develop strategy. Lion says Call on us. We are the sisterhood you dream of. We are creatures in the will. Apride of lions sleep in Iris temple at the centre of the labyrinth.We will dream a new solution.
We were there snuggled in the laps of angels when Eva -Adam put on her bright new yellow raincoat and took her lunch bag with sandwiches and an apple and left for that very first day on earth. We thought she was very brave going there into matter that very first day! I scrambled off the angels lap and watched from a crack in the floorboards of heaven-
Of course we had all been together from the start When we awoke to the warmth of our mothers warm embrace Earth was just warmth then later we became beings of light playing on an Earth that shone onto the firmament and later still began to feel the wild emotions and gentle tears of a fluid world We existed as energetic beings and knew each other very well
You have a dilemna You have touched the beloved You have touched the deep Mystery Nothing prepared you for this And She has not finished with the preparation it is so impossible here are my needs come here work with me, wrestle for the truth of what is being born here you see me as I have never been seen I hear you as you have never been heard You like mornings alone, so be it I need to to swim and paint and write and asleep by eleven at night We could meet for coffee late morning,prepare a meal Work from two til ten, it's OK It's enough Enough privacy Enough intimacy enough, laughter Enough work Enough Mystery Enough service Enough Love Deep channels for abundance Deep work of Love She has not yet finished with us! Either of us!
At each stage /over aeons/ if time had been invented/we left behind / memories/as talismans/ of our experiences/and thus/ minerals/plants and animals came into being/not as they exist today/but in their essential form/ and high angels/Exususiae looked after them/
Earth was the great adventure we knew we had been made for this we had already been soaked on loving kindness but now we were going to be free creator beings responsible for loving in our own special way for the first time we had a special hollow in our hearts an interiority where we could ponder our creations before we made them real
Eva-Adam was the very first chosen cos she was robust and strong enough for this great adventure. What we saw shocked us! Earth shone in colours we had never seen! It's beauty was beyond anything we had known Instantly we longed to be there as Eva-Adam looked around and took her first steps in the garden
Our sister Lilith/ slipped through the cracks/and joined Eva-Adam!/ She simply couldn't wait! / She saw, especially Adam/ and loved him but he wouldn't wake/ and so she left the garden/disappointed/ and went on herlong exile among the stars/ We missed her very much./ Still Adam slept and Eva/ wanting his companionship/one day tickled him with/ a feather / he opened his eyes to her beauty/ and smiled/
At that moment Eva-Adam felt herself pull apart into two both of them looked up/ and saw they were sitting under a great/ tree laden with fruit of many kinds/ Dimly she/he remembered /this is the tree of knowledge/of good and evil/do not eat! /but at the same time as she looked up she saw her own face!/ And in this reflection the serpent said/do not be afraid/ you are Eva/and he is Adam/Take eat this fruit and you will know /yourself/and you will know him/you will know love/and together/ create anything you desire!/What could be better? /
So Eva forgot that she already had an apple in her school bag/she stretched out her hand and ate, and Adam now separate also ate. And I was watching, yes we were watching and we felt fear/ for the very first time fear entered heaven/ and the angels held us tenderly/and said something momentous has happened/there will be a great falling away/ in the future/ you will forget us/ you will forget one another/ when you descend you will not see us face to face / but only the external beauty of creation/ in this parting you will achieve greatness
What do you do for a living?/ Oh, I am a guardian of the sacred./ Come again?/ I am a guardian of the sacred./ Oh,/ Come again?/ I am a guardian of the sacred./ What does that mean?/ Is it about church or something?/ Maybe the great green Church, the huge gathering of who we are together, all beings../ who we could be if we held all life sacred,/ Divine/ who we can be when we co-operate with the possible/ that literally means Co-Operate/ do it together..operate, hands on/ You don't get to be told what to do you know/ not like Sunday school,/ or those sermons where your father fell asleep every week./ The great green Church?/ What do you have to believe to belong to that?/ Nothing...You already belong./ Oh that sounds a bit much! / I do not want to be shut into anything.../ Oh, no shutting in!/ It's about waking up happy / (most of the time)for what you can do today!/ It's letting out really, all that energy you kept locked up/ That's what I am about-/ What I've always done and want to do all my life/ work with the Divine, plan and make things happen,/ sleep on it and let it all shift,/ help people get connected up with the Divine,/ in themselves, in each other, with each other,/ even with parts of themselves,/ with animals and plants/ and rocks and spirits and dreams- especially dreams,/ make art, make music, dance/ and then make picnics under the trees/ and feast/ That's guarding the Sacred?/ Sure./ Then I want to guard the Sacred too./
And those of us who could bear to look saw a flaming sword and an angel baring the way our sister Eva-Adam could not return to us! Our sister Lilith could not return to us. Whatever was happening? Our angels held us and said/a great event has just occurred/you will take on earth not just as a patterning but as substance and the great ones are saying even now in that rolling of thunder/ that you will now be born in many generations. Yes you will have great powers to create, but you so as not to be entirely selfish, will be born of a family and be nurtured in a family and tribe and carry them in your very substance, and they will teach you to love
It's delicate/ pale jade green/ like the chrysalis / of a monarch butterfly/ The magnificence of the tiger orange black / of the monarch's birth/ is yet to come/ We are in the chrysalis stage/ of our creation/ hanging upside down/ allowing, waiting.. / Do not go back to her/ you almost died / extracating yourself/ I almost died in/ trying to free myself as well/ This creation will take everything we have/ for how long is unknown-/ butterflies do not live long/ The caterpillar/ was well fed/ let's sit for the birth/ Watch as it dries it's wings, takes flight/ and alights upon the tree/ with a thousand of its kind./
We have by now walked many long roads/many stony roads/made love under many a blossoming apple tree/birthed and carried babies/watched our young grow and play and love and leave us to establish families or die of illness or in accident or war. We've made music, danced and tilled the land, fertile and arid, terraced hillsides and flooding mud/bound the ox and buffalo/bred animals for milk and meat and watched the stars. We've planted wheat and oats and rice and corn/shorn sheep, caught fish/learned metalcraft, weaving and horsemanship /traded in spices and cloth and jewels/dug underground, built homes and cities/designed machines and been to space..We've been explorers, mothers, healers, artists, scholars, priests, slaves, soldiers and rulers in our turn. We've endured famine, flood and fire, persecution and forced migration. We've been foolish and wise, grown old and died. And now we're tired-Let us enter the holy mysteries of awe and grace, find new strength to love- Then, when all is Love we will be home.
The immortal Leonard Cohen/ came down from the mountain/ saying forgive me/ I have no talent for spiritual things../ Rabbi, beloved you let the light out, not in, through the smashed open /cracks in your heart/ as you sang, tunelessly of, a bed, a chair/ listening at night for my foot on the stair/they say you died but did you? the magic never died/ you and I who yearned for blameless intimacy are still unwilling to speak, even the first words of inquisitive delight, for fear of reprisals, though I took you down and let the river answer you had always been my lover, everything desperate still lives behind a joke, but I swear I will stand within the range of your perfume.. the love you gave up looking for has appeared/ smiling through the weary creases of morning/ while old couples dance to the end of time/and the violin still burns/ the tablets of law/have been upended, smashed, transcended your talent for the spirit/ evident/ for generations/
stars/ spiral like the milky way/ into my DNA they say I said/ this beautiful blue green planet/has stars dancing in its substance/Christ Jesus died and his blood was recived/a very special fluid / Sun -Son marrying earth with His last breath, bequeathing an homeopathic dose of desire for the recovery of Eden/I know there are roses in my blood, but who gathers them up and for what altar?Do the roses play at karaoke with the stars, singing in tune or not, anyway together?/ will something green within me? Have I got what it takes to say/a fully bloodied full bodied yes/to death and failure and not holding on/ to sacrifice and surrender to the surging holy rose red desire to be part of a new creation /on and in this cracked plastic strewn unjust place where concrete covets earth and it's hard to find solace? Is this my deep desire or would just dying be enough?
I am longing for the man who is longing for me./ It's simple/ You are longing for something I can do with you-/ and I long for that too/ It's a round about way of saying/ I love you/ and you love me too./ You enter the mystery/ and meet me deep in the labyrinth/ You say you have no desire/ I say you're a liar/ but I have no authority over your truthfulness/ or your lies,/you say you want to play and pour yourself into ways/ that this can be possible/ ensuring delay, ensuring, perhaps, I stay, within psychic reach, a full day away. I meet you in the sunshine/ where you can prove yourself to me/ while I watch the sunshine move/ between green leaves/ and sigh/it's the elusive moments between the known/ which satisfy/ and the quiet space that underlies....the meeting which... you see I can't name it that's intimacy.
You ask how my wounds open me to hidden grace.. It's been when I fall flat on my face and get up furious, what I do is not near enough and worry then despair creeps in, when I die before I finished what I had to do, when I fall from a roof to to be with my beloved, yes, knowing suicide is a sin but am overwhelmed with longing, when I am once again in grief at futile war or devastated by yet another loss in childbirth, when my husband's lost at sea or in the snow, when I die of soldiers raping me, when my leadership fails and catastrophe ensues, when I overreach my capacities and hope turns to dust, when the crops fail and my children are hungry, when I am beaten and drowned as a slave or a temple burns or a factory roof falls in, when ignorance wins the day again and I simply fail to see the obstacles ..yeah, it's all pretty much like some charging chariot just ran over me, breaking my legs and leaving me in the mud-that's when I have to surrender to the hidden grace, that's to say in every life and every place..
purpose it to bring into focus/ what you most likely already know/ about yourself/ so you develop confidence/ in your own experience and abilities /and use these to best purpose./ Also identifies areas which you might want to augment or deepen and transform/, (show you how later)/ Use archetypes to picture qualities we can all relate/which you can ground in personal stories/ thru questions and exercises./six complimentary pairs. too much middle too little /personal relationship and world stages
streaming happiness/ I look at the pink rosebud/enfolded in green/it is such pleasure/connecting, feeling at ease/ loved and beloved/finally I'm free/ to receive, without fearing/the tree will not fruit/the great winter Ash/is hung with red and gold fruit/Persephone's gift/ the fruit of my life/is an abundant, rich feast/enough for all guests
grandmother Eva we carry your pain and joy creating a new world we ate the apple from the womb of worlds we became individual you are our mother auntie sister cousin and friend also our child
Eva Ethel Esther Esme /my formothers' gracious names since Eve/could not be written/ in a book /smaller than a house.. /Ancestry.com took me back 1000 years/ to the high kings and queens of Ireland/ but a hundred other lines ran out/ suggesting much simpler lives/as farmers wives and townsfolk/in Celtic lands of Ireland and Brittany/ and in England, with that odd admixture of /a Teutonic lady or Spanish envoy/ Eva can be found only through the heart for our-story is far more than a thousand years/ only the sacred book of life/ can trace that tale/
The Tip Jar