BY pearl

04/01 Direct Link
I have carelessly mislaid my heart
did I leave it with you? 
 I have accomplished tasks
except for a clutter of memorabilia 
 that I mean to turn into masks-
but I have mislaid my heart

I take pleasure in babies 
having the courage to come
but I’m glad I don’t have to look after them long
my time of mothering’s done!

my friend posts a poem about his grandfather’s knife
It’s a  purpose in life to hone 
that which we inherit
damn these end lines without merit
I’ll go back to the start
Where have I mislaid my heart? 

04/02 Direct Link
Presence, process and the edge 
Art Process Work methods of working with trauma

Relaxed refreshed and free
How often do you hear someone say this is how they feel? 
Yet, this how we could be.

That we do not live this way is the result of trauma 
But really our defences are just trying to protect us! 
We get anxious at the edge of the known. 
If we learn to love our edges 
 welcome them, include them with radical
 whole hearted acceptance of what is 
 they change! 
 Step into Loving presence and everything changes 
We are now 
Relaxed refreshed and free

04/03 Direct Link
I dip my ankles in the cool stream
I’m a young woman 
 with brown hair held in a net 
 with pearls at every crossing
I lift my dress a little 
enjoy the breeze
My attendants are discretely waiting 
Who am I ?
Are these my lands that I dare venture here?
Or am I so high
that men would fear to lay a hand on me?
Its clear I’m thoughtful
something weighs on me.
Is it affairs of state that have settled on my shoulders?
Am I pondering 
a choice I must soon make? 
From under their leaves 
primroses  are coming out...
04/04 Direct Link
Who are you, you horrible old hags? 
screeching around, dropping heavy, scratchy
old wet blankets on me! 
AND silky bolts of silver cloth AND wet sheets worn with washing 
I thought it was just black blankets you were dropping 
you old Cover Smother Mothers
but I see it’s all the bolts of cloth from all the clothes
I didn’t make...
Go make your tea! 
I’ll never entertain you!
I am adamant.
You are shrieking harridans 
a flock of almond wrecking parrots
who‘d strip a tree in minutes.

But You Blessed US!
Now we’re here to STAY
04/05 Direct Link
She casts aside the net of pearls
an infinitude
of wisdom sorrow joy

She bathes her feet 
in the bubbling spring
whose source is Lethe as she knows
She picks up the pebble from the danceroom floor
and lets the dark dissolve within
She becomes the Minotaur.

Now she sews 
 her brothers’ shirts from nettles, centuries of pain 
 of rage and shame
are seen as beauty, stitch by loving stitch 
those who do not know her 
 think she is a witch..

She’s freed the wounded male!
Listen to her sing! 
Pearls tumble from the heavens
and form a single string. 
04/06 Direct Link
My hidden question/ is about the plum stone/ I plant/ at the edge of the wild land-/ It is a question about my whole sentient life! / I will mix it up and err/ I will never be prey to age and numbness/ I will dance like a kid, scarves flying/ Never mind bogs, I have gum boots! / I was once jolted awake/ by an adder at my feet/ on the edge of the wild land/ last night/ as I put out the rubbish/ leaves drifting around the bin/ I wondered is there danger?/ The answer is YES!/ I will mix it up I will err/ I will stab through until there are diamonds/ I will fix the ozone/ you and I and the kids who love trees/ we will dance, scarves flying/ as the plum grows and blossoms/ Before I am taxied, even as I am taxied/ to lie under yews/ like a kid I will plumb/ all I know/ I will err I will mix it all up/ and know I have given, I will know I have won/ my whole sentient life/ a harvest of plums.
04/07 Direct Link
Brother one comes home 
with his wife and daughters 
when his father is dying.
He says to the youngest
who has tended the land
loved, laboured and cared for their parents
All this is mine. I do not care where you go.

Brother two also comes home
He leaves his life and his ex wife 
whom he did not divorce. 
He makes love to his elder brothers wife! 
Surely a receipe for rage,
dispossession, strife
disgrace to the family name
The youngest sees but cannot speak
He does not want to be accused of lying.
Who is most to blame? 
04/08 Direct Link
Wind chimes and bird song 
sunlight moving in trees 
a rabbit enquires as to what may be edible
should it come closer
a dove is resting, very close, its head almost invisible
All is as it should be:
A friend posts a picture of Auswitz 
the day her father was taken there;
an enquiry finds the man who murdered his children 
and then himself, had had seven partners 
 each one, including the mother, reporting DV
 how did he get a gun? 
Two cyclones are stalking each other just off the coast 
like two superpowers 
each trying to gain territory;
soon high winds may batter our peace
soon our small objects of comfort
our tokens of friendship 
may be blasted out to sea. 
Better take the moment
and notice the dove
dappled in sunlight
at rest in my tree. 
04/09 Direct Link
It is no small thing to love
to be loyal 
to keep promises
to apologise when you cannot
to take joy in simple things
the flash of a blue jays wing-
Why do we tremble
In loves presence? 
Why not sink into the deep embrace 
that says we are known, welcomed, at one? 
In this moment 
and always because
that always is folded into 
one with all promises fluttering 
like little sighs. 
Why not exult in the laughter
as it echoes
into all the little crevices of wariness
of weariness 
with a shout
Yes to love
and loyalty, Yes
04/10 Direct Link
A little boy pulls a deep red rose 
between his teeth
and over his face
to tease me; he is just awake
his merry eyes shine in his father’s arms
Here I am
Here I am not! 
It is spring, the season
of deep red roses 
where you live 
in the mountains across the world. 
He asks me to whom I send pictures  
I say it is my friend 
 If anything should happen to me, my son
You must turn to her because she is my friend
Good idea, I say
sending  back a picture of my newest, autumnal rose
04/11 Direct Link
I’m letting warm water 
 steal up around me
fragrant with peppermint 
an everyday luxury 
to bathe and wash my hair
working or even walking to the sea. 
Yes my washing is outside drying
roses are coming out again
I must pay some bills 
do some dishes
wash the floor 
and do more to unpack
my past 
It is past time
to wash it, shake it away 
have everything fresh.
Why does my consciousness roam
so far from my home?
I embrace those so far away
holding them, letting them touch my awareness
gently after a night full of travels
04/12 Direct Link
when flesh burns it weeps
the blackened skin flakes 
and peels, everything is raw
there is nothing but excruciating pain 
young women
whose enemies lob burning missiles 
into homes
know their men have gone
desperately they hide their children
but they are butchered
with the old and frail and mad  
they are raped then murdered
their charred bodies left in heaps
between the stones

when war is invisible
leaving the body is not expected
though murder does occur
we endure though we are raw
the blackened skin peels and flakes-
why do we ignore this suffering
rage or rub in salt?
surely, it is not my fault? 
04/13 Direct Link
Why did you tell me/ you and an old friend who has just returned/ walked past my house but did not think to call/ to find if I was home?/ Were you hoping I would say/ I would have loved to see you/ or you should have just come by?/ Were you waiting for an invitation/ while telling me/ you are not, have never been/ and will not ever be my friend?/ Just as well you you did not call!/ Just as well you will not call-/ My home is my refuge/ I will never be at home to you.
04/14 Direct Link
I am not interested in a meeting of cucumber sandwich ladies offering trays of refreshment whilst being calmly solicitous, gentele and sweet! Pretty and blonde at 14 I did just this dressed to be an adjunct to parental hosts, helping people mingle while they weighed up just whom it might be most advantageous to meet. The role of a cucumber sandwich lady is to ensure encounters that are not fractious between people who fundamentally do not agree who perhaps do not like each other but must make the best of it for some transactional purpose. What is living in the heart is not revealed for this would be quite indiscreet. Oh its a useful role but that is all- never, never, will I lay my secrets at your feet!
04/15 Direct Link
How ridiculous to think I am not present
when I am not in the room with you.
Of course I am present!

Love does not alter when it alteration finds 
nor bends with the remover to remove.

I may not be aware of every detail 
of every hope and incident and ache
unless you choose to tell me
but I am present. I hold you always in my mind
and in my heart.
If you cannot receive this
I will keep my everyday self
sheltered from the bitter winds.
I will close the door.
Yet my spirit shines within. 

04/16 Direct Link
“I wouldn’t turn to you
I have other friends“
What do you think you have been doing 
for the last ten years?

I asked for presence in exhaustion.
Each of you offered this, but did not act
even with a five minute call, preferring five months silence. 
Love was conditional, it seems 
on behaving in particular ways and only once a month
which is perhaps, not love at all.
If nothing exists outside the circle
Ipso facto the circle itself does not exist
for its very being Is a spiritual breathing 
made of loving presence, deep feeling
an interweaving, a holding of each other’s dreams 
and becoming.
This cannot be confined
to a few hours
a month with some absences 
and those nurturing, intimate and festive weekends.
It pervades everything.

I will hear hurt or rage or sorrow just as much as joy 
I may be criticised but I will not be pathologied. 
Don’t shoot the messenger!
I have been a catalyst for deepening.
We haven’t found our way 
because an exploration of who we could be 
is, it seems, not wanted by us all. 





04/17 Direct Link
the bowl of ashes
is quite small
i have written all my memories of you
your anguish, uncertainty and fear 
your anxiety and resentment 
your thoughtfulness  
your kindness
your discernment
your hope, your joy
your striving, your resentment 
your resignation 
your love of beauty 
and a refinement 
that is different from mine.

All of it, each memory 
of your glorious beauty  
 now fading and more delicate 
that in time  will become transcendent 
all of this I have seen and loved 
I have burned my memories to ashes
They drifted in the light breeze
I return 
the  lovely grey bowl you gave me
04/18 Direct Link
I thought I was meeting in a circle of friends who set aside time every month to share the dreams, the puzzles , the heartaches and the joys of our lives to give each other deep witnessing, comfort, insight, support and afternoon tea!. It seems I was mistaken. I did not sign up for a therapy group or a book club. I held each of you in the deep places of my heart. I hold clients there too but they pay me it is not reciprocal. I hold family there too, and sometimes that is reciprocal in terms of insight and sometimes it is not, but the love is there, and even if it were not or is not, I am faithful.
04/19 Direct Link
I feel co opted into what you call a "conscious ending!" If you do not want to be part of this group, resign! It may be that you want to end with so much still unprocessed because then you will not have to face up to the fact that you have not offered your full presence, but have used the group for personal support while keeping a professional distance. That might explain why I have sometimes felt distanced by you and been irritated by otherwise helpful insights! I could have addressed this but it wasn't quite conscious. You have never held me eyes, full of tears. Your hugs do not stream with warmth. You have thrown 10 years of my offered friendship in my face "I would not turn to you."
04/20 Direct Link
First shock
then dismay and anger 
then more anger, shame at the failure 
of my belief
then the tides of grief-
Betrayal is not a simple thing.
I will not paper it over with grace
generosity or niceness any more-
Nor let hatred through my door. 

I breathe, I stand in the heart of Love surrendered.
Now, as I face the consequences 
of your fear, my fear
I want to judge
You said, you did, you didn’t, how could you?
but you did.
I stand in the heart of Love and I surrender 
No position, no possession here
Just love.
04/21 Direct Link
the dozens of Monarch butterflies 
gathering on a bush
supping the last nectar 
from a pink bottlebrush.

We are so cruel to each other
There is so much rape and murder, 
hatred, exploitation, indifference and distain
it is a miracle we are here at all.
We need a gathering of Monarchs
I don’t mean ever-faithful Queen Elizabeth
sitting alone 
In black, at her husband’s funeral.
No, it is time for renewal. 
It is we who are Monarchs 
It is we who have Sovereignty 
and must gather with others.
These may be the autumn days 
of our life on earth. 
04/22 Direct Link
My young friend born in a civil war 
gives me a list of the peoples
 the nations, the religions, he will never trust.
I say I grew up in a country 
which has layers of grief 
conflict and despair 
from successive colonisations
soaked into the soil  
but is also a quiet and productive place.
My childhood in the green suburbs 
was peaceful and fertile 
providing us with home grown vegetables 
 play space, flowers and fruit
and an education that surveyed the world. 
I welcome people,  I trust 
unless my trust is betrayed. 
Such is the privilege of a dearly bought peace.
04/23 Direct Link
The Sun, Venus, Mercury and Uranus
have all moved across my Descendant
and are meeting up in Taurus 
within one degree of 
where Jupiter was at my birth
surely heralding 
a breakthrough?
The moon today is still in focused Virgo.
It ought to be possible to get things done
but my heart is heavy? Why? 
This ought to be a moment, of triumph
of love, dramatic change
but I feel like slamming the door.
I have forgotten the butter once again! 
Soon the moon will be full
In Scorpio,  Buddha’s birthday so they say
I will await that better day. 
04/24 Direct Link
your Mac will sleep/tiresome/ your internet is in a blackspot/very tiresome/ unless there is power? one I cannot plug into/ your phone is out of data/not again/ I cannot watch political commentary from America/so? or sort out just why the Queensland government has closed the border/ again/ when one person here caught Covid./ AAHHH very very tiresome!SAD! We will do some Facetime.../ They are growing so fast/ I am missing all the little moments/ growing taller more inward and thoughtful/ more aware of adult thinking/ the little one I have not yet even held!/
04/25 Direct Link
There are five lilac bushes 
outside the cottage 
quite close to a road that is not busy
My children live in a larger house
across the road 
I like the house immediately 
it has a large kitchen
with a window looking out onto a back garden
framing trees in the distance
It seems my friend has died 
without me being told
imagine how much energy she will have now, I say
without being ill
Lying by the sink there is a posey 
 of translucent five petalled, blue flowers 
 I put it in a glass of water
I turn to my love
let it be simple I say
We shall be happy here
04/26 Direct Link
ka pouri te ngakau/ ko tuku ngakau ate tonuki ki te hohatu/ my heart is broken/ my heart is like a stone/ ka pouri te ngakau/ mamae kahu ngakau/ my heart is broken/ my heart longs for home/ te makariri/ makariri ahau/ its cold/ its cold today/ kua tinihanga koe ki a matou/ ka pouri te ngakau/ mame kahu ngakau/ you betray us/ my heart is broken/ my heart longs for home/ arohanui e hoa wahine/ love to you my friend/ arohanui/ love to you/ te aroha, te whakapono, te rangimarie/ love, skilfullness, peace/ toku ngakau ko tu ngakau/ your heart is in my heart/ i roto toku ngaku tonu/ always in our heart/ e nohoma/ my heart is at rest/ te rangimarie/ tatou tatou e/ peace/ to us all/
04/27 Direct Link
get up! there is a chorus/ louder, louder! of frogs/ and crickets/ the sun is setting behind the palm trees, and/ not yet visible/ the full moon is rising/ I know it is. Walk a little/ look now!/ through the old tangled branches/ it's as large as a china dinner plate/ held close in mystery/ asserting a just so presence./ I see her clear the trees, light the clouds/ shine with steadfast brilliance/ my neighbour passes with her fishing rod and pail/ yes, beautiful!/ I send some moments caught as photos/ and now I see her through my granddaughter's window/
04/28 Direct Link
The English language/ is of the senses not the heart/ perhaps that's what keeps us far apart/ When you say your friendship is conditional/ you are not speaking from an open heart/ It is in this that you betray us/ and I cannot answer except with tears/ how should I know/ what closes up your heart?/ keeps us apart-/ anger, hatred,/ indifference, judgement, fears.../ I just know that there are tears/ flowing through my heart./ ////////////////////////////////// I bear your pain just the same/ toku ngatau ko tou ngakau/ your heart is in my heart/ arohanui e hoa wahine, arohanui/ i roto toku ngakau tonu/ love to you, love surrounding you my friend/ your heart is flowing through my heart.
04/29 Direct Link
I like this group/ even if I have to wake at 3am and wreck the day/ its good to be with friends/ who know tran-spersonal planets(beings really)/ help us recapitulate / our human evolution!/ Good to be with those/ who are part of the solution/ part of the quiet revolution./ How incredible the leap/ what love and courage each one brings/ in the face of terror/ as we decide to incarnate/ hoping the body that we get, will be OK/ good enough to be transfigured/ by work and love for all we meet./ We come hoping we may recognise each other/ in passersby, in children, friends and lovers/ Maybe even open up this time to ALL beings../ Maybe open up our hearing, seeing/ Sometimes I am weeping/ My heart is heavy like a stone/ I cannot do so much alone/ I am longing for our home/ Then I recall my home is here/ My task is to dissolve the fear/ to see beauty everywhere/ to open up my hearing tasting singing being/ to bring light to every meeting/ even the simplest morning greeting/ Be part of the solution/ part of the quiet revolution/ I send my warmth across the world/ only the Aussies are not sleeping!/ Thank you for your teaching/ and your companionship today/ Nothing else to say, but I see you being/ part of the solution/ part of the quiet revolution./
04/30 Direct Link
Your heart flows through my heart, unalterably part of the same river of souls. This river is broad and strong but warm and gentle as it bears us along. You may chose to eddy out of sight but you are still part of the broad river of our belonging and as I sing you are singing because my heart flows through yours. The Waimakariri tumbles from icy mountains across plains to the sea where it is broad and braided. In summer it is possible to walk ankle deep in places, through icy cold water onto sun warmed grey stones. This water is pure but always cold. Human beings need to cup this water in their hands to warm it before drinking or boil it for tea. The river song has a lighter, cooler note and a thrumming bass.It also flows through my heart joining the river of souls.