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God i wish i could take back all of the times I told you i loved you, I wish that i didnt have to live in the same town as you because it kills me every single time that I see you. When I see you its like all of the progress I have made of getting over what you and what you did to me all goes away and I am all the way at the beginning. It sucks to feel the way I feel everyday, I never know if ill be okay when i wake up. Its scary.
You are like the devil, you smile at my face knowing that I am broken because of you, knowing that you have killed my beautiful soul with your sinful words and actions. You are someone i wish i have never met, but even though i did, i am grateful in a way because now i know what its like to feel so much pain all at once, all the time that i am now numb to anything less than what you put me through. You made me numb,wreckless, heartless. You made me emotional yet emotionless at the same time.
As he got on top of me, begging for me to love him as i kept repeating no, i could feel myself sinking into someone so little, i don't think i have ever felt so weak, powerless, ever. As he finished his sin he dug his fingers inside of me to make sure there was no evidence left over, at that moment i felt completely worthless and disgusted at myself. I know after that i could never look at myself again. When he was done cleaning the mess he now created, he reassured me of how worthless i really was.
"Sara are you okay?" "Its going to be okay" "Your life cant be this bad" "You have no reason to be upset all the time""You're okay, stop crying" These are the things I get told every day, when people see me not smiling, im automatically the annoying sad girl that everyone hates, but in all honesty, i cant help it. If i had the choice i wouldnt be this way, i would be my old self, always cheerful and smiling. But that part of me got ripped out of me, stolen by the boy who had all of me.
You dont know what its like to constantly feel worthless because someone destroyed everything that was beautiful about you. "Sara i miss the old you" " This isnt the sara i know" YOURE RIGHT BECAUSE THE GIRL YOU USED TO KNOW DIDNT GO THROUGH THREE YEARS OF ABUSE, WASNT TOLD THAT SHES NOTHING EVERYDAY, WASNT SUFFERING THROUGH THIS WONDERFUL THING CALLED DEPRESSION! SO EXCUSE ME IF IM NOT THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE, BUT UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH DONT TELL ME THAT ITS ALL OKAY! IT NEVER IS.
To be told that youre nothing is like that person personally erasing all the beautiful you once had in your soul. To be called ugly and worthless is that person looking straight at a masterpiece just upset that they didnt create it themselves, they cant see it themselves because theyre blind from theyre own shallowness. Ive never felt so insulted, so paralyzed from feelings. Im just so exhausted from trying to make myself feel better. Why cant i just be okay already? I miss me, the old me, my old smile that was real and pure. if only i could.
IM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE! I wish i could go back in time and erase every waking moment i had with you. Delete the time i lost my virginity to you because once i did i was literally everything you wanted me to be because i thought i was in love with you. I thought i wanted you for my life and nothing more and you took an advantage of that every chance you got because you knew i would never argue. Arguing with you is like arguing with myself, ill never win, because it was only your way. no.
Im just a sucker for pain, take my hand through the fire. Devoted to destruction, im slowly dying but the devil is trying to rush me. Im just a sucker for pain. I torture you, take my hand through the flames, Im a slave for your pain i wanna chain you up, i wanna tie you down, im just a sucker for a pain. Alienated by society, walk slow through the fire. see im a fool for pain, thats why my hearts cold, full of sorrow. Got me begging for more pain, Thats why my hearts cold, full of sorrow.
Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me, bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me just to pour that mf down the drain like me? Are you high enough without the mary jane like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? Pointing fingers cause youll never take the blame like me? Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me, Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me? Are you in pain like me, are you strange like me? Do people tell you not to waste your pretty face like me?
I left my girl back home I don't love her no more And she'll never fucking know that These fucking eyes that I'm staring at Let me see that ass Look at all this cash Bring your love baby I could bring my shame Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain I got my heart right here I got my scars right here Bring the cups baby I could bring the drink Bring your body baby I could bring you fame And that's my motherfucking words too Just let me motherfucking love you tell me you love me
I got you I got a hold of you Said you want to see How we roll Well take a seat And we'll just Break it, drop it, drink it spill it Baby, touch your body, body You gotta taste it, feel it, rub it on me baby Don't you worry, you gotta keep up 'Cause I been gone,I been gone, Girl Why don't you fuck what you heard, baby 'Cause I been on, on, on, on You can see for yourself, little lady Girl, I lit a little something Something something, for you There's enough to pass around
we stay home tonight? Try something new tonight? This drink got me feelin' right I'm 'bout to lose my mind U, Me, & Hennessy, look what you did to me Fuckin' so crazy, you twirlin' and spinnin' me My head keep on spinnin', my legs keep on shakin' But my head keep on spinnin' I'm out of my mind lets keep on sippin' Let's make some babies, and make it official I feel you inside, no better feelin' I throw it back, and you catch my driftin' You shiftin' inside, you got me screamin'Smooth like that henny, this what happens when '
Theres something in this liquor, It feels so good to be completely numb to all the depression that i feel. To drink for me is to be able to break free from how awful i feel and is to be emotionless and careless and just have fun. Not caring what people think about me is what ive always done because i dont care but for people to ever think i was weak, that bothers me because im the furthest thing from it. Atleast i would like to think i am most of the time. Because i got away at once.
Im so over giving my all to people. i literally invest my time in everyone but myself because i have this huge heart where once i care for you and love you, i do whatever it takes to make you happy, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Like im just so annoyed, because not only are you destroying the friendship, youre disrespecting my effort that i do put in, that you are being ungrateful with everything i have ever done for you which is SO MUCH! And then you let some girl that youve been friends with for two months talk about me!
He looks at her like she is a fragile little flower that is slowly dying, something so beautiful yet so weak. He touches her as if it was a little too hard and he might break her. He talked to her as if every little thing he would say would be to foul for her innocent ears. But she was never this fragile nor graceful, he made her this way that way she would never leave his side, he tricked her by making her afraid and fragile that way she would always be too scared to walk away from him.
I was a piece of art, an one of kind, something that no one could ever recreate because of my graceful features with caring heart. Everyone saw me this way except for him, he looked at me like a weak piece of trash, something was so beautiful yet so worthless. He took me, wrapped me up in his spell and created someone totally different than ive ever been. He turned me into someone i hated, who i never wanted to be. Someone who made me look like a bad person. He made me the person that i used to resent.
He made me into the person that drank every night, that went to parties and didnt care what happened because when he was done with me he made sure i felt as worthless as he thought i was, which was apparently alot. I became the person that has a cold heart, dark soul and loves dark colors. I am now the person who that doesnt care about others feelings, and if i hurt them. I became him, the person he was with me, is now who i am with everyone, even people who i have always loved and cherished them.
So im going to rewind real quick. My parents got divorced when i was 5 then from 7-10 my mom was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend which was who we lived with, my mom then got into drinking alot and did it to the point where me and my brother had to take care of eachother most nights. Then my brother told us about him being gay, his first boy toy was abusive, and my first boyfriend was abusive and raped me. So my life really isn't all as well with the understanding that there is worse.
Now you might be telling yourself that im very open with the bad in my life and that is true because its the best way to move on with it, to process it. Ive learned from multiple sessions of therapy that keeping it in is the worst thing you could do, which is what i used to do which is why i would drink, smoke weed, go to parties without caring about what happened and thats also why i used to cut myself. So yes i talk about it as if it is a normal thing, that way i recover.
"Dont judge a book by its cover", this quote means more to me than it should because of the fact that now my mom is happily married with a wealthy man and that i have a nice house and nice things that i am this privileged rich white girl that has never been through anything and gets whatever she wants and doesnt have to work for anything. When in reality my past is fucked up on so many levels, i work 40 hours a week and pay for the things i want and go to school full time, no sleep.
I'm so tired, i don't think i remember the last time i got a decent night of rest. I work all the time or have class and homework, i'm just so tired of moving. Its like i am constantly moving and there's no time for me to just stand still and relax for a second. Being me is exhausting and i say this because on top of school and work which i do both full time, i take care of my grandpa with Alzheimer and i put my friends before me because they're all i got and they deserve it.
Can i please go back to being the bubbly, smiley girl that i was before he came into my life? I lost one of my best friends because she says im not the same, but who is after what we have been through and i say we because she was also raped but by her step dad, not ex boyfriend. But she still wants to be in the phase of not caring when i want to get out and get somewhere and not let the rape define me, even though some days it totally takes a hold of me completely.
So another day has passed and yet i feel no better nor okay. Im just trying to get through the day, every day i get up its just me pushing through the day. Im so tired right now, i dont ever have time for freedom. its annoying. the only way i get through the days are because of my best friends; Emily, Anna and Valeria. I just wish my life wasnt the way it is. I get so annoyed when people try to talk to me as if they know what it takes to be okay after what happened, DONT.
So my papa (grandpa) has alzhiemers and its getting really bad. He will do good for a week or so and then its like for the next week or two all the good turns into bad and it gets really tough for anybody thats around him. He really is getting to the point where he doesnt know who i am, he doesnt even say my name, just sweetie or darling. He gets mad easier and he yells at my mom and mimi and anyone else who tries to help him when he doesnt want to be helped. He fights people.
There is this person named Emily, she is my best friend, well one of them. and i basically live with her from thursday-monday or tuesday. We are basically becoming the same person because we are together all the time. We do the same things at the same time without planning too. We think the same, we think the same with boys and how we are with them. She is crazy and sometimes annoying but i still love her and wouldnt want to trade her for anybody else because shes always there for me and i cant imagine anyone else.
How can you possibly feel any bit of hostility from me when youre the one who did what you did to me? You and your girlfriend are pathetic and childish for what yall did at sonic, getting me and my friends kicked out because yall feel uncomfortable when youre the one who raped and abused me? Dont you think that i felt uncomfortable, but im still trying to just live my life because im trying to move on and grow up and not let you control my life anymore. But since you want to be like that then i suggest you dont come to olive garden because i can get you kicked out by my managers, and ill be right there when it happens.
Im so tired of you thinking you can control my life, im so tired of feeling like people only want me because im body because thats what you used me for. Even though you swear up and down you loved me, but i know you didnt because you dont what you did to me to people you love, you dont know what love is, neither do i. But i know something of it because of you. I push people away and i hold back from people that actually like me because you made me believe otherwise that it was impossible.
So im really tired like sleep wise, it took me a while to wake up this morning because i barely got sleep last night with all the homework and crying i was doing. My eyes were swollen when i woke up i was in so much pain and i cant move my head in any direction. I just know that today isnt going to be a good day at all. I just want more sleep but i cant because i cant even lay down except on my back and its uncomfortable for me and i cant sleep like that. ugh
So is this what life wanted to be like for me? pain... Pain... PAin... PAIn... and PAIN! Its like as soon as i start really caring for someone other than myself they do something to upset me, or i all of sudden get uninterested. And im so tired of just not being able to love or be with some for a long period of time because i get uninterested for no reason or they realize how broken i am and dont want me anymore. Guys look at me like im a toy, sex toy, not a person that they can love and be with for real.
Well im sorry if my little entries were so depressing but its what goes through my mind every day, all the time. I wish my life was better, but its not. Im stuck with this life for now but i do hope to change it one day and learn to love myself and learn to be happy with myself without anyone helping me. I hope that one day i will know where im going and that i will grow from this and only become stronger and learn from it. Instead of hating myself and him for who i am today.
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