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My aunt once told me that having another beating heart in the room makes all the difference in the world. She was referring to having pets and I could not agree more. I feel terrible for it but since I've started school I have barley paid any attention to my dogs and cat but just having them there is comforting. My wife went on a trip and took the dogs with her recently and the house just felt cold and empty. Although I may not always spend as much time as I should with them I always appreciate their presence.
Lately I've been feeling increasingly guilty about my carbon footprint, the trash I create, and the animals I eat. The last eight months my wife and I have started recycling which alleviates the guilt a little. I do ride my bike to work and school most days but I do that mostly because I really don't want another car payment. I'm constantly reading about climate change and pollution and it upsets me greatly. I'm tired of not doing more to help. That's why i'm going to school for engineering. Five more years until I can really contribute to the solution.
There is no greater enemy of the human soul than that which we consume. I randomly had this thought while driving to work last week. I think it may be true. Everyone has heard the phrase "money is the root of all evil" which is actually paraphrasing the bible. This is the root of that truth. Evil can be inspired by more than just greed for wealth. The thoughtless consumption of other species, petroleum products, trees, land, water, and people is slowly anesthetizing all of us. This universal addiction is a gateway drug, a drug leading to crushing moral ambiguity.
The weather in Tampa the last week has been resurfacing a hundred memories from years past. Day after day of dreary, rainy days. I moved to Tampa four years ago from Ohio. Ohio, about seven months a year has days mostly like the ones we have experienced the last week except colder. My life back in Columbus was perfectly mirrored by the weather I was constantly surrounded with. Dark, cold, repetitive, dreary were most of my days. Over and over and over. Moving nine-hundred miles south to an unfamiliar city was the best decision I will likely ever make.
Its amazing how much your priorities change with age. Just 8 years ago all I wanted in the whole world was to become a bartender, make great money at, get laid as often as possible, and to have a decent place to live. 8 years later I am a Bar Manager and make great money and am so tired of it. I'm married but even if I wasn't, dating and bar hopping every day sounds exhausting. I have a great place to live but now I'm way more concerned with moving out of country than the quality of the home.
I am one of those people who gets super excited by the release of the new iphone every year. I already know exactly how it is going to look, what upgrades it will have, and how the new software will function. Nonetheless I am still excited to watch the CEO of apple talk on stage about his new product and confirm everything I already know. To make it worse, I know its going to be a lame release but one week from tomorrow I'm going to be at the mall at 8am super excited to get the latest model anyway.
We had our first writing assignment returned to us today for revision. Well, at least most of us did, myself included. I didn't follow the instructions. The instructions called for writing one paragraph. I wrote two paragraphs and had two other full paragraphs that were quotes. Not having taken a writing class in fourteen years I suppose I should get used to this. It was pretty disappointing though. My original paper may have been garbage but I really liked it. I don't want to switch subjects but consolidating my original idea into one paragraph is going to be very difficult.
I feel horrible for my math teacher. Bachner has the patients of a saint. There are several students in this class that have made it pretty clear that they are not capable of grasping some of the basic concepts we will be building on all semester. Nonetheless he continues on answering the same questions over and over every class. He answers the questions without sighing, wincing, or showing any other sign of frustration. He told me today he's already considering dropping five sections from the final and skipping over a subject; its week three of eight. I'd be horribly indignant.
It is amazing how much we change as we age. Fourteen years ago I had horrible anxiety. This anxiety prevented me from being able to perform well in school. I would skip class because I hated being around other people, and the possibility of not knowing an answer in class when questioned was mortifying. I had trouble studying because the anxiety of not being able to retain the information prevented me from even attempting it at all. Today I'm a bartender who entertains strangers all day and a student who loves learning. Still don't really care for most people though.
I've been working on taking care of myself better. I attempt different things from month to month. I'm on an off a pescetarian. I attempt to quit smoking about every other month. I develop good exercise habits and keep up with it a couple weeks at time. I off an on develop good drinking habits. Right before school started I managed to do it all at once. I was successfully a non-smoking light drinker who was exercising every day. It is amazing how quickly all my efforts failed and how little I care now that I am in school.
Saturday night I was sitting outside at work late at night about as exhausted as I have ever been. Eyes half open, nodding off occasionally and thinking to myself over and over "please just let me open my eyes and wake up in Bruges." Since school has begun I find myself frequently fantasizing about vacation. Before I began this new life of working and going to school full time I rarely fantasized about anything. Even my dreams were kind of boring and weird. Boy, not now, now I've become a very active daydreamer. Just six more months until New Zealand...
Thirty tiny years I will have lived soon. Years so big when I was young. Years so long when I was in my early twenties. Years so increasingly shorter and shorter as I approach middle age. With the years so small, it makes those big long term goals so much more tangible. Dreams I didn't have the confidence to even imagine just a decade ago now feel within arms reach. For my 40th I have but one wish, to look back at myself and say "at 30 I'd never have the confidence to dream as big as I am today"
Five years ago I had dozens of friends and without them I would have been terribly lonely and depressed. Four years ago I decided to leave all of them behind and move to Florida. At first I tried to recreate what I had lost and become a part of a new large group of friends. It was my primary goal. That same year I met my best friend who two years later became my wife. Today I have little use for most people. I have my wife and one distant close friend. I've never been more happy and less alone.
What horribly inappropriate jokes would he have made while having dinner with my wife and I for the first time? What look would he have on his face the first time he met his grandchild? What stories did he have left to tell? What stories did we have left to make together? What advice would he have given over the last couple years. Would that advice have changed the decisions I've made since his departure. Was my father's death premature or the best outcome given the direction he was headed? Is he gone or just silently watching? I miss him.
All of the coolest and most interesting people I have ever known have had great struggle in their lives. One of my favorite examples of this is a man named Nick Fotheringham. I met him when he was a 3rd year freshmen in high school. What no one knew about him including him is that he had severe dyslexia. Shortly after his father passed away he dropped out of school and never returned. He had a hard life for many years but never gave up. Today he runs a multi-million dollar gaming complex in Las Vegas. Never give up.
The iphone is officially a toy for grown ups. The phone is faster, it doesn't have a physical home button anymore and it has haptic feedback. Also, it's water resistant so when you can't put your phone down for two seconds to pee you don't have to be worried about the pee-water you just dropped it in destroying your new $700 toy. The primary difference isn't the new phone but the new software which includes balloons, fireworks, and laser beams you can send it texts now. If I'd actually shelled out $700 for this I would be pretty pissed.
I miss looking forward to going back to Columbus for the holidays. I haven't been in two years. The last time I was there was pretty disappointing. My mother and step father are getting weirder and becoming increasingly unrelatable. The city itself continues to lose or change the places I once loved. There are two people I look forward to seeing but going out until the wee hours and getting wasted has mostly lost its charm. It is just a choir now. A thing I do out of respect and kindness. 19 hours of driving, some banter, 19 hours back.
"You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." Quoting Star Wars but thinking about Ybor City. A bit of an exaggeration but that's pretty much how I feel about it now. When I first moved to Tampa I was fascinated by it and then I worked there. I spent 40 hours a week bartending there and another 10 hours a week browning out in it for a year. Excluding King Corona where I write this from now, I feel hung over and sick just from thinking about going out into this city this evening or any evening.
I am always working towards something. Once I achieve whatever goal it is that I have been building towards I think I feel a sense of a accomplishment for at most, maybe a day. Sometimes I don't take any time to appreciate what I've done at all and just move onto the next thing. For every task completed it feels like I just create three more boxes to be checked and that prevents me from appreciating the last check-mark. I can't decide if I continue like this it is going to leave me fulfilled or empty in the end.
I felt kind of bad for my classmates missing from math today. I am guessing they bombed the last test and decided to drop the class. If they still plan on attending the class they are pretty screwed as we have a test on what we learned today on Thursday. They will have zero chance of recovering after missing today's material. However, with the less mathematically inclined students absent today we flew through the material. Class was so much less boring. Hopefully from now on we can keep pace and will not have to skip over any more important material.
I must say, the first twenty entries of this assignment were a breeze. My thoughts flowed right from my brain to my fingers, and out onto the world wide web. At least today I'm having a pretty hard time coming up with interesting subject matter. As such, I am just going to take up these one-hundred words by describing my struggle to write one-hundred words. Let's see, twenty-six characters to go... Up to seventy-nine now. Oh, getting close now. I wonder if I can stretch out these last two sentence to one-hundred. Boom, nailed it!
I am a bit worried about my brother-in-law, David. Hurricane Mathew is approaching where he lives in Lake Worth, Florida. He unfortunately lacks the means to go anywhere on his own. He lives with his father, Ron, who works at a hospital. Ron decided to go stay at the hospital over night and left my poor brother-in-law by himself at their house. This house is about three steps up from a mobile home and is 30 years old. My Wife, his father, and brother all do not seem to be worried about it. What the hell?!
I think I've been offending some of my class mates with my stench. I have good hygiene. I always wear clean clothes, shower, and brush my teeth every day. The problem is my favorite place to work on my studies; King Corona. King Corona is a cigar bar and lounge in Ybor. It's very close to school. It's always quiet, and they have very comfortable, uncrowded chairs and tables for me to work at. It has a very distinct and inescapable scent. My backpack will probably reek forever. I kind of like it. Unfortunately most people don't feel that way.
I rarely, if ever post my own words on social media. When this election began I reposted a lot of articles in favor of Bernie Sanders and against Donald Trump. Since the primaries have ended I've not posted much. It's not that I'm indifferent. I definitely favor Hilary over the The Donald. I just assume most of the people on my friends list already have their minds made up and anything I have to say will just piss people off. However, if somehow Donald Trump manages to become our president, I'm going to have write some very angry, harsh words.
Elon Musk Just recently laid out his formal plan for colonizing Mars over the next couple decades. I completely idolize this man. I think he is unrealistically overoptimistic, but that is how he has managed to accomplish so much by forty-five years old. I just can't decide whether I agree with his assertion that the only hope for humanity is to become a multi-planetary species. Over a long enough time line that is obviously true, but I'm not so sure about whether that applies to the next two-hundred years. I still have hope for our current home.
I know I'm thinking way too far ahead lately but I can not shake this preoccupation with planning out my degree program, and what I'd like to do with it. I wish I could sent down with a competent guidance counselor who could understand exactly what I want to achieve, and then lay out every class from now until five years from now. I'm pretty sure I want to double major in Geology and Civil Engineering, but I'm just not certain those programs will lead me into the kind of career I want. I hope I decide on something soon.
I feel so horrible for my poor wife. This semester is her last semester before graduating from USF with a bachelors degree in Psychology. Until very recently she was certain she knew what she wanted to do. She had planned on entering a PHD program for neuropsychology. It turns out that may be an unrealistic goal. A bachelors in psychology is unfortunately a fairly useless degree on it's own; that is if she wants any kind of decent income anyway. Now she can choose between maybe obtaining a masters which she is not passionate about, or obtaining another Bachalors degree.
This week is going to really kick my butt. I have to complete an hour's worth of Spanish homework. I am fairly behind in reading and grammar assignments in English Class. To top it all off, I have about five hours worth of math homework due in forty-eight hours. Oh yeah, and if I can somehow manage to find the time, I really need to pick up a shift or two at work. I know I am going to spend way too much money on my birthday, which is only three days away now. Oh boy, what a week.
Well another Hurricane is on it's way. I was extremely excited about the previous one a month or so ago, but now I have changed my tune. After only getting brushed by, by the last storm I think I have had my fill. I would definitely prefer not to have to lose power again, or lose any more days in math class if school closes. Not to mention how gloomy, and dark it'll likely be for several days. I am fascinated by tropical weather but this storm is quite strong and I do not want to see any massive damage.
My birthday has finally arrived. I do not generally make a big fuss about these days, but it is my thirtieth, so I decided to go all out. It started Saturday night. A friend of mine named Jason and his girlfriend Jamie joined my wife and I to go bar hopping in St. Pete. The following day we all went to Siesta Key where we enjoyed the beach briefly before going Jet skiing. After we were all tired out and sunburned we ended the day by dinning at Ulele. I am still worn out but it was a wonderful birthday.
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