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Dear Randy, I hope you are well... I hope you are happy. I honestly want the best for you. We had our time together, which was cut short. Yes, it was my fault. I do accept that. I was scared. Being young I couldn't grasp how fragile two people could break apart, so easily. It's been years, and I think of you to this day. I think of what we had, and what we could have been. I smile when I think back, only sad that your presence in my life is no longer here. I will always love you.
I once was pumping a FULL tank of gas. Suddenly, I got the diarrhea feeling... I had just eaten McDonald's (large everything) On top of that I was sick. I started to get nervous. I tried clenching as hard as I could, but the force was upon itself. It came out like a volcanic eruption. It came so quickly, I was still pumping gas, with others next to me! I couldn't just leave. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I managed to keep a straight face the whole time while crapping myself. Yes, this is a true story.
This is my third entry. (obviously) I started school August 22nd. Finally, I know! I can honestly say I am motivated to try. I just hope I stay motivated. I am already drenched in homework. This is the second week of school? This five-day weekend helps. Stay positive "Coin Toss." I am different than my classmates. I don't want to say it here because that will only give me away. Or, I should say my lifestyle is different than theirs... let's just say I have a lot of responsibility to deal with. I can do this! I hope so...
Ha, today I just witnessed a person pulling out of my neighbor's driveway hitting my other neighbor's mailbox. He then continued to pull forward and reversed back yet again into the poor mailbox! He did all of this while I was waiting for him to move so I could pull into my driveway. When I was finally able to, he had the decency to get out of his truck to straighten the mailbox. He then checked to see if I witnessed. I did old man. I saw EVERYTHING! I am shamed to say I have been in his position before.
Is there a real you? I know you are what you see, but is there really a core essence about ourselves that makes us, well us? Is it our experiences throughout our lives? What separates us from one another? Who are you, really as a person do you even know? On the other hand, maybe you use your experiences from your life to define who you are as a person. I think it's the way one is brought up in life. We are always changing, bettering ourselves. Making decisions that influence who we are as a person. Who are YOU?
Why? Why are things happening to me all at once? They are all good things, for the better. Will I be able to handle it all? I mean I went from literally being a couch potato, to suddenly school full time, plus belly dancing on the weekends to make extra cash. I feel like I won't even have time to comprehend how much I'm actually doing... Does that fairly make sense? lol. This doesn't even include the major responsibility I have. Suck it up "coin toss" You can do it... Lol I'm fucking talking to myself... I should be studying.
Right now, I am underneath a blanket, trying to be quiet, because I don't want to wake the little one. I just gave myself away. Now everybody will know who I am. Oh well...Typing 100 words for my English class. Out of all the four classes I have, I feel like English is going to be the easiest, because our teacher makes it fun. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. (I mean that) I enjoy doing these 100 words a day. Almost like it will reveal something about myself as time goes by. So long entry 7. Done?
(First day of school thoughts) 1st day of school, 1st day of Leia's daycare. It's all happening so fast. Will I make it? Time will tell. I am wearing jeans of course, and a Star Wars T-shirt. It's comfy. Did I mention I am sick? So is Leia. Perfect way to start the school year. Writing because I have time. Sitting in my car on top of the garage, trying to get all my coughs out. Sniff, sniff. I only hope I stay motivated. This isn't high school. I think a guy just witnessed, me farting... Nerves. Lol bye.
I'm going to tell you about my cats. lol... Well I have 4. Three of them are siblings; Mitzie, Spencer, and Theodore. Mitzie is the little sister. Shes the Hemingway. Spencer is one of the brothers. (my personal fave) Call him big boy. Theordore on the other hand is the most lovable, long hair. I call him pretty boy. Can you believe someone left them in a box as kittens in the rain? I had to bottle feed them. I wasn't going to keep them but you know... Oh yeah then they'res Sachie... Shes a bitch. Think darkness. lol wtf.
Last night, my daughter woke up projectile vomiting all over herself. It was random, and I don't know why it happened. We sleep in the same bed,so I immediately woke up. I of course had to give her a bath. I had to change the sheets,and repeatedly spray air freshener. At least, she felt better afterward. She fell asleep instantly. My poor girl of mine. There is a first for everything... I wouldn't change a thing. It's part of what motherhood is right? Dealing with chunky throw up, and tantrums, with a cuddling baby in the end. #motherhood
I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not focus on what people thought of me, and instead to focus on school. Back then I hated myself. It's funny how hard I actually tried to look/act to get peoples approval. I didn't start school until 7:35. I walked to school because it was so close. However I woke up at 5:00! Woke up that early to shower and cake makeup on my face. Half the time I didn't go for stupid reasons, like having a pimple. I would literally miss school... Sad, Sad.
I never really sat down and actually appreciate what all my father has done for me. Him not even my biological father, was there when I was born. He is here to answer every question I have. He takes out time to sit with me for hours working on a Philosophy paper. Who does that? He never had to, but he does, and I appreciate that. I wouldn't be in college if it wasn't for him. I am proud to say he is my father. He is the true definition of one. I couldn't imagine life without him. Love you!
Baby girl of mine thinks I'm abandoning her at daycare. She literally held to the car door yesterday because she didn't want to go. I don't want to send her there. It's a good place. don't get me wrong, but this little girl of mine was never away from me for more than 8 hours, and all of a sudden she is away, everyday for 4 days straight. I hate leaving her there, in a cold room with other strangers. All she wants to do is stay home with me and cuddle. My baby girl of mine, I love you...
Me and my brother have different fathers. His just passed away recently do to cancer. Before he died me and my mother visited him. He was sad. I mean he found out he was going to die within weeks... I remember perfectly him looking me in the eye, he said "I'm not ready to die". I didn't know what to say to that... It's a scary feeling knowing you're going to die, but he was actually living that feeling. He couldn't stop crying. If he smiled about something he would immediately start crying after. Just like that he is gone...
A flutter to you. As time goes on you put up with all my baggage. Regardless of how frustrated you get you always seem to keep me warm. I pressure you at times, yet you still deal with me even when kicked. I'm sorry. I just feel cramped at times. You will know when I need to break free. It might hurt, and I'm sorry for that. Once I break free it will change your life. As my flowers begin to blossom, I will learn to appreciate all what you have done, because soon I will call this body "mommy"
My first real boyfriend in high school had me mesmerized. I thought that's what "love" was. He was so controlling towards me. Made me delete guys off my Facebook. lol. I was so naive. He cheated on me. I found out because it was with his ex. lmao. She called me during school to tell me to never call again. I balled my eyes out. I laugh about it now. But that was my fist real heart break. I took him back so many times. He was a trouble maker. Maybe it's a good thing he's in jail. lmao. Loser.
Let me talk to you about coffee. Now I don't know who "you" are, however I am going to babble about how much I like McDonald's coffee. There ice coffee is heaven to my mouth, once tasted. It has to be right though. I get the Vanilla ice coffee. Large. Lol. Right now it's $2.78... I know right. that's expensive, but compared to Starbucks (which to me tastes like card bored) McDonald's ice coffee is way cheaper, and better. It even used to be $1.49 for one. I hope they change it back, because I get coffee daily...
Sunday morning and I have so much to do today before school. Laundry, endless laundry... My father is coming over to help me with math...I haven't even gone grocery shopping. What is Leia going to eat for lunches? I hate doing thing's last minute. I always lay out my clothes for tomorrow. I haven't done that. What should I wear? What should Leia wear? They'res always something that needs to be done. Whether it's dishes or sitting down to drink some water. I need coffee. Preferably iced, but today I think I want hot. I know this is random.
There is a girl in my math class who to me is so annoying... The very first day of school her phone was charging. I was by the wall so it had to charge next to me. While charging her little iPhone kept going off. Ding! Ding! Ding! She had the audacity to ask me to get up out of my seat to go grab it for her. Making it look like the phone was mine and not hers. Like of course i'm not going to get up during class to get your precious little phone. Lol random but whatever.
I'm sitting on the couch thinking of things to write about. Well, today my daughter grabbed onto my leg while I dropped her off at daycare. She's still having a hard time adjusting. She cry's the moment she wakes up and the moment I pick her up... I feel bad, but my goodness. How much can a child cry? Lol. I try to ease her sadness, by putting her attention to something different. It's my fault she is this way lol, I mean she was always on my hip. Only a few more days for these entries. Am I done?
In my Philosophy class there is a kid who sits next to me who happens to be in High school. He is a Sophomore in High school! He is only 15 and he is taking college courses. I was amazed at that. I asked him about it and he said that in order for one to do so they have to get good grades, and that it takes hard work and motivation. It's an opportunity. He will end up graduating with a college degree at the age of 18! Most High school students graduate High school at that age. Amazing.
For some people it's so easy for them to know exactly what they want to do in life. I on the other hand struggle. I have an idea of what I want to do, however do I want to do it forever? I would like to become a midwife who delivers babies. I want to do this because to me it would be a rewarding job, and not only that it also pays well, so I would be able to support myself and my family. I honestly don't know if I can handle the schooling to become one... Hmm...
Overall my experience at Hcc is well... It's good overall I can say lol. However it does have some flaws. For one the advising department has good people who actually take their time to actually help you, and then they also have slacking people who only care about how long you are their. In the financial Aid department there is one particular lady who lights up a room. Her name is Gracie, she answers every question you might have. She is beyond sweet, and a true definition of what great customer service stands for. My experience at HCC is great.
I will be belly dancing most of October basically every weekend. That's great for me because the money is awesome. However it will keep me quite busy. I will barely have time to relax, which for me is something necessary. If I am going to be dancing more often I will need to get more costumes. I have many, but I need more lol. I just need more of a variety. I am honestly just trying to finish as many entries before class starts because I won't have time when I get home. I will have to complete an essay.
Death is something know one should ever fear. It's something we will never understand until we are already dead. So why does it bother us? Well at least me... I fear it. To me it's a scary thing to think about. Just think you will be dead FOREVER. That doesn't bother you? Maybe one might think that when we exist we are not dead, and that when we don't exist we are already dead. Does that make sense? So why fear something we don't even understand? Instead of fearing death, one should simply live this short life we do have.
Three more entries I need to complete. This being one of them. I know on the last one our teacher will give us atopic to write about, so that should be easy. Goddness what do I write about? So much on my mind. I am writing on one of the school computers, where they have the Starbucks. By the way dark roast coffee makes you sick. Lol at least it makes me sick... Big mistake. However I had made far worse mistakes in life. I'm almost done with this entry. I need one more sentence... Getting close... Almost... And done!
When I am older and financially stable, and comfortable with my life I think I want to move to Germany for a few. Most of my family lives there, so it would be easy for me to. I understand and speak most of the language so it shouldn't be hard. I just find that country beautiful. The people are kind, a little judgmental, but that's anywhere lol. I would even eat so much healthier there as to living in America... Even Germanys McDonalds taste different, because they don't put so much crap in there food that shouldn't be there. Germany...
Holy crap I have so much to do, with so little time... I have multiple entry's to complete, this being one of them. I need words to write. what the hell. I am babbling. Bla, bla, bla. On the up side I am bellydancing this weekend so that will be $240 plus tips. Yay!! This entry sucks lol. I have a major headache. The house is a mess. I just want to be a cat for a day. I would be able to sleep, and eat. Anyways this entry is almost done. I'm just trying to use more words. Lol.
Today on my way to school, stopped at a red light, was a truck carrying a muscle car. The muscle car was advertising Home Depot. It had the Confederate flag, the N word, and the Nazi flag printed on it. On the back of the truck was a big sign saying "Home Depot", the "N word and "Depot"... How can someone wake up and put a smile on their face and be racist? I have never seen anything so DISGUSTING. The sad thing is, is that it's out there, ignorant racists assholes are out here in this world, today. Sad.
Over the weekend I got a car! My very first car. I've waited so long for this exact moment to come. Most people get cars at 16. I waited, I didn't even get my license until I was 18! It's an awesome feeling when you finally get something you've been waiting for. Even though this is my last entry for this month. I think it would be fun to continue my entries. I know I will look back one day wondering what exactly went through my head. This is a good place to leave those thoughts. farewell September 2016. 100.
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