BY deekers

11/01 Direct Link
The house is empty again. It was full for days and days and all fun and games. Very nice. I will settle in and get back to my regular routine and this emptiness will pass. I go through this over and over again when the kids or grandkids come and go.

You miss them and have so much fun when they are here but the parting is always torture. And you never know when they will be back and for how long. As they get older it is harder and harder to part because they are out there making lives.
11/02 Direct Link
My son is doing great now. Today is one year drug free. I wanted to do something for him but he seemed happy to work on his computer and go pick up his girlfriend at work. I wanted to make it special and celebrate all this hard work and pain he has gone through. I am a mom and always want to make my children happy.
Do you know how impractical that is? Very. And the older they get the more absurd that idea becomes. And as I write this I am coming to grips with my limitations as a mother.
11/03 Direct Link
I finally called and broke the ice. I always believed I have a great relationship with my children. I really think I did but as they grow older, and I grow older it seems to get more and more complicated. I am amazed. I am shocked and I really don't get it at all. I think it is me and then I think it might be them and then I blame us both, or all. I just don't get it. It was suppose to be easier and softer, and more loving. It's not. It gets harder and harder each year.
11/04 Direct Link
I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I am sick of them. It is one problem after another. It is the economy, the council,the attitudes, all of it. I am a little down and it shows in what I am writing. I don't like it so much when I read others doing it but it is a very real feeling and very natural.
So I have to deal with the realities and not my fantasies. That might be the wrong word because I work so hard to keep myself up but underneath,it is always there pulling me.
11/05 Direct Link
My God you would think I was signing up for a life time of servatude when I told her I was switching to U-verse.
She told me in a rasied voice all the horrors she has been through with them. On and on she went. I finally said, "So what did you and the kids do today?"
Haaa, I thought she was never going to stop. Guess what? That was the wrong question. The day had not gone well. How could I have known?
I finally decided I was not going to find an area that would work today.
11/06 Direct Link
I need to call my pal and talk out all the crap that is bother me.
She is the only one who can take it all at once. I can do the same for her. I can't do it every day but I can about once a week.
I probably dump on her once a month or so. She can do it every day. She has tons of drama daily and I find I have to limit it. But she is the one that I can call and not feel guilty because I dump such a massive amount of negitivity. 
11/07 Direct Link
I love my little dog.
He is a throw away found in the neighborhood wondering and scared, hungry and lonely. It seemed he was treated poorly because he was so skidish and frightened.
He was by no means cute or did he even look like he might clean up nice.
Soooooooo what do you do? This little guy was not a head turner.  I thought about it and I held him overnight just to see if my heart would yield. I mean personality counts for so much. And you cannot judge a book by its cover. Can you?
11/08 Direct Link
I went through my closet today to sort out some summer clothes. I know it sounds late for such a chore but where I live, some days you can't tell what the season is.

I have made a decision to clean up my life. Get rid of so much stuff I don't use, don't need and don't care about.
I can't imagine why I hang on to so much. It's like everything has a memory or an occasion to attach to it. That's the hard part.

I will gather my strength and keep moving forward until I get it done.
11/09 Direct Link
I was shopping with my grandaughter at the local mall. I know she is not a kid anymore and she has matured since I last saw her. What I had a hard time with was our stop at Victoria's Secret. She knows the store and the deals and had a credit card....
AAAAHHHH, I just acted like "not shocked "and amazed at her knowledge of the inventory and those panties that I can't even imagine the purpose of. Nothing is covered really. What is the point? 

Then I thought of my mom and my bikini's.
11/10 Direct Link
Mike has lived here for 4 years. He is quiet, pays on time and never asks for anything. The perfect renter. I came up with this idea for extra income when I had cancer. I ran ads for weeks and everyone that came saw all the vitamins on the counter and me with my bald head, and they respectfully said "Thanks but no thanks"

I had such a hard time with that thinking, I needed the help so badly and no one wanted to come near me. I guess it takes all kinds and thankfully Mike was a special kind.
11/11 Direct Link
Christmas is coming and I am trying to plan ahead and make some of my purchases. All to take pressure off so I can enjoy the holidays, decorate and make cool food.

Well I have the whole day today, and do ya think I feel like doing any of that? No and that would be hell no.  That is just crazy. And to confirm that I know what I am saying I will share the fact that I do this almost every year. You would think I would figure it out. Well not me. I perform under extreme pressure.
11/12 Direct Link
I often find that I am thinking of all the stupid people I know and  love, hate and could care less about. I think I have decided that it is not very healthy to do so.

I have tons of good things going on and some of those same people that have a remarkable side mixed in with thier stupid.

I wonder why I, we, end up being like that. I truly work so hard to stay happy and have a positive attitude and yet my mind wonders to the negitive on a regular basis.

Maybe it takes practice.
11/13 Direct Link
Day Off: Great. It boils down to what I can get done. Inside chores or outside chores. Always work waiting to be done. Shopping, family, friends and those constant chores.
Now these are just all the small jobs, not the big ones I can't afford to do. That would just boggle the mind and send me in a tail spin for the whole day.
So I set up what I think I can do, what I am willing to do and mix in a social something as icing on the cake.
I think it is the only way for me.
11/14 Direct Link
Opera is not for the faint of heart. I don't really like it either. I am finding out that I can handle light opera if the subject matter is tolerable.
For instance, I say Jane Eyre last month and just loved it. I was dreading the annual gift from my neighbor until I found out what it was. Then I was excited and hoped for something I could realate to since I love reading the classics.
I was not disappointed. It was so nice and well done for a small local theatre that I found myself leaving fully satisfied.
11/15 Direct Link
I am heading out shopping. Starting the fun but dreaded Christmas feascle. ( I doubt I spelled that right at all)
Anyway I am making myself go. It is raining and I am feeling lazy. I could stay in and piddle around here all day.

But here is the clincher for me. At the end of the day I would be upset with myself because I had wasted a day. That is how I think and it's wrong. A day of rest shoudn't be something I have to have guilt over.

But I have always been that way.

I hate it.
11/16 Direct Link
I wrote my son a letter today.

I was trying in my best possible way, to tell him where he is going wrong. I was looking for any catch phrase, single word, anything.
He has been clean for  over a year and I see him slipping in a direction that could be bad. He is a man. I am still his mother. I still figtht with every fiber to get through to him.
So talented, so smart, handsome, nice man. I read it again,and again then simply said:
"I believe in you." 

11/17 Direct Link
The Christmas games are gearing up. The shopping, the food, the decorating, cooking, cleaning. Wow-it sounds overwhelming and yet each year we do it all again. Someone said if you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results you may have a problem. I have to agree in part BUT with practice you can perfect this to an art form and have it all and still live to tell about it.
So that's where I think I am. Well not art but survivable. Start early, work late, wrap fast, cook with gusto. Then it is the big day.
11/18 Direct Link
Joshua, Joshua.
My nephew. I cannot get him to let go and grow up. My sister says it is me and I have to suppose she is right. I am trapped in this thought that loving someone gives you some responsibility for the person. I guess I am wrong. I have tried my way for years and have nothing to show for it. The take care of me way just doesn't seem right. I do take care of me but why can't I help those I love and not make it my sleepless nights. The pain I cannot shake. Why?
11/19 Direct Link
She has another skeem, a winner for sure. There will be four of us. All she needs from me is my good credit. Oh, that's all? Someone else has 10 grand and all you need is my credit?
Where is thier credit? Where is yours?

People don't end up like this for no reason. They don't spend thier whole life trying one big deal after another and all of them failing. It takes a special breed no doubt but it not me. It is not how I deal with life. There may be a get rich quick plan for them.
11/20 Direct Link
Every Saturday for years they come to my door. I talk, and I listen but nothing changes. I think that is what they want but I am missing their point when I worship regulary in my own church.
So I wonder if persistent vistis have actually worked in the past?
I have a major belief difference that cannot change nor do I have a desire to change it.
I give them the credit of their convictions. I even enjoy our talks. We read the same bible and come out with a whole different story. Can anyone have THE only way?
11/21 Direct Link
The crystal balls hang from the ceiling and the sun catches
the light and sprays it all over the room.
I reach up and spin one of them and the spray goes everywhere again.
This only happens in the winter so it is the angle of the sun this time of year.
When I walk in from work that is the first thing I see and everyday I give it a spin and feel the pleasure of the light rays all over the room. I am a simple person with simple pleasures.Aren't I lucky?
It takes so little.
11/22 Direct Link
I lost most of last month on here because I blew it towards the end.
I don't want that to happen again. Going to the movie tonight with a friend and a little shopping. Sounds boring to some, pleasant to others. I am mixed on it. The movie will be good , the shopping might be boring. We are such selfish b---tards. I am not interested because it is not for me. Now that is rude. But I can still enjoy, just not near as much if it were to be mine.
See how we run. Self is number one.
11/23 Direct Link
Today was my father's birthday. I celebrate it alone for he has been gone for a long time. I celebrate the birth and one of my sisters always calls on the day of his death. Go figure.  Both are important dates but for me the beginning is better than the end.

I do the same for mom. Gone but her birthday remembered. Her death was sudden and tragic. She left so many loving people behind her. Heart,surgery, gone. Just like that. Not one dr realized it was her heart causing the problem. None til it was too late.
11/24 Direct Link
She just lies all the time. You can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.I have never met anyone like that. It is everything and that is no exaggeration at all.

She will talk about her family, her friends, a random person on
the street. Always negative , and never good or positive.
I  have tried to talk to her and tell her: "We talk to each other , dont' you think we know what you say?" She always comes back with, " Well I probably meant this or that"  No responsibility. None.
She believes she is the smartest.
11/25 Direct Link

A few months back I took a trip to see a very good friend and celebrate her grandaughters coming of age. A slightly unususal celebration but unique and very interesting.  The whole family is coming from all over the state and a couple of us from other states.

I have the ticket, time off, special apparel, can't wail. I arrive and start helping on all the details left for our fun together. We work into the night two or three times. The excitment rising each day.
Finally as the day nears, we find out that only 10 will show.

11/26 Direct Link
I wanted to say more about my friend and her tragic party. If I could only explain the enormous amout of work and money that went into this. The planning, decorations, renting the barn,finding the huge lot, renting the chairs,buying the food. Several thousand dollars for this epic event. I have never felt so bad for someone when out of 150 or more people only the ten showed.

The childs own grandmother, her aunt, her father,none came. All said they would, all made the plans, all confirmed and didn't even bother to call with thier regrets.
11/27 Direct Link
I ready to head to the garage. Pull down all those boxes, check out all the leftovers from last Christmas and decide what I will do for this one.
I have years of decorations, paper,ribbons, and ornaments. Each year I weed out the ugly, broken and used up ones. I give a few another run or two. I have refused to buy anymore for a few years. I find myself to have become somewhat riduclous with the amout of crap I have.
I think about those who have nothing and I'm sad but then glad it is not me.
11/28 Direct Link

Had a visiting minister this week. He wasn't too bad but I kind of judge these things as to what sticks with me. I was asked later on about the subject matter he spoke on and was at a total loss.

It was not bad at all but it just didn't get me. Ya know?
Sometimes I wonder what it will take to touch me. Then there are those sundays that it is all I can do not to cry through the whole service. I have to wonder, is it me or the sermon? Is it the words or emotions.

11/29 Direct Link

He is going away again. I hope to find a new life. One without the demon drug that has tried to kill him, with his help of course.
It has taken a long time to even get close to putting my head around the addiction part of this. Trying to understand why you can't just say no. But in my heart I know it isn't that easy or we could all do it. Eleven months in a program and now I am not sure. I pray, I hope and he leaves. He said it is the only way to win.

11/30 Direct Link
There are five Fridays next month, so I will plan well and hit the tip jar on 100 Words. It will be Christmas soon and the site deserves it for the long and constant work to keep it up and running. I for one appreciate it.
My heart always goes to the children this time of year. The haves and the have nots. I do make sure I dont just send off a few bucks and think I am covered.
I want to know a child or family will actually receive what I have put my heart and dollars in.