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Another month to ponder the future. When you are young they fly by one after the other and you don't think about it the same way but now you hate to see each one go. They have always flown by but not like this. Things ,they are a speeding up! Now why the hell is that. The older you get should be the slower time goes by. Do you get so accustom to time buzzing past you? I don't get it. So my answer is to not procrastinate. If time wants to fly I want to be flying with it.
We were out swimming one day in that creek mom would not allow us to use. We had an older friend, and she didn't drive, but she had an older friend. We were like nine and twelve I think. Me dragging along screaming " I'm going to tell mom." My sister saying " Shut up", embarrassed I was being a drag on her in front of her friends. We swam in the hot August sun for a good hour and then the current picked up speed. I was in trouble with swift water. She saved me and I told anyway.
There is a sense of closure at the end of a book. I wonder if that is not why we read, some of us adamantly and others casually? Reading fills in for life at times, other times it is simply a way to relax from the day, a time of closure and thoughts not your own. It can be escape from your worries as well but by and large it is the adult time out from the burdens we carry. As I close the book and think about the entirety of what I have read it puts me at peace.
I don't know what I would do without my sisters in this world. Parents long gone and the feeling that you don't belong to anyone anymore is a sinking of the heart that is indescribable. When you are a full grown adult you might not think this could happen to you. You need and love your parents but don't fully realize the connection that gives you courage, self-confidence and that knowledge that no matter what you do you are loved. When this is gone you have a hole in you beyond anything you have ever known. I still have sisters.
It's your birthday; it's your birthday. Now he is officially a teenager. He has waited impatiently for twelve years not having a clue that the real battle now begins. The battles for independence, his own will (right or wrong) and freedom, glorious freedom. Let the games begin. His mother is feeling a loss as he fills with pride that he if no longer a pre-teen. This process is not very interesting when you are the one responsible on a fist hand basis, but I think seeing it from a distance will be better. When it's you, you lose your perspective.
I'm hot. I am so hot I can hardly stand it yet I keep working as if there is someone standing over me making me do these chores. A taskmaster from days gone by is what I work by. Things must be completed. Things must be a certain way in order to keep order. Things must be dusted, shined, and placed back where they belong. Things should not be neglected, as it feels disrespectful to the giver or the thing itself. Things have a need for care and it is my job to give that care. I am the taskmaster.
Here is a full day available to me and I am at a loss as how to use it. This never happens to me. My plate is always filled to overflowing. I want to do so many things while I am buried in my life. Now this day presents itself to me and I am at a loss. That won't last for long because I will decide on a project, then it will all change and I won't even be able to finish what I started. Maybe I need some more control over my life. But this is my life.
The wind blew steady and gentle across the plains. It didn’t seem to notice what was horribly wrong as it blew along its way. Skipping up and down, not noticing a thing out of place. The ditch just lay there as it always did but the ditch knew there was a horror within. He rode with the wind, felt complete freedom all around him and dreamed of nothing else. It would be his last feeling in this world. The innocent ditch was there and the innocent boy just wanted to go over it. The wind blew on-the boy is still.
How many actual pigpens have you seen? If you haven’t seen one what would it take for your imagination to give you a mental picture? I think very little. Within the wall of my house lives such a place. In this place is, what I lovingly call the “Pig From Hell”, my son. This is no small child by any stretch of your imagination. The dishes alone in that room tell a tale of savage disregard. Crystal with milk scum and crumbs stuck in it, bottles, cartons, and every imaginable fast food container available to man. I love him so.
Running in the wind as a child or falling in love the first time, seem so long ago, but once in a while you can recapture those feelings for just long enough to make you sigh. Thinking of those times doesn’t do and it will escape you if you really try and chase it, but just be sitting there and have a brisk wind kick up and boom- there it is. It seems to comes from an outside source more often than inside. A physical trigger that you have no control over. I love it when it comes to me.
You hear how loving the abused child is to the abusive parent. Even in later years the child you would normally consider to have had less advantages in life because of a parent turn out more devoted than the child of a parent who tried. Is it jealousy it stirs in me? I can’t think it is and yet in me swells resentment, for a better word, because it took so much out of me to do the job. Now I look at people who gave much less and the child cannot do enough to please them. It’s not fair.
I haven’t been this depressed since I was very young. I haven’t felt this kind of injustice for so long I can’t remember it. I believe in fair play and today I was dealt a hand of unfairness. I am not doing well with it. I guess I should have known better than to do as I was asked but under the circumstances it seemed so harmless. No one was hurt by it I thought, but indirectly someone must have been. When that person is yelling at you it is hard to decide who the victim is. You or them.
She weighs too much, sits too much, smokes too much, and spends too much. Depression creeps in and finds the most fertile of soils. Like a breeding ground for infection the situation is perfect. If things don’t change soon it will be a much longer and slower recovery than ever she suspected. She seems almost innocent to all the signs. She says I AM GOING TO do this or I AM GOING TO do that, and the I am going to approach is one more element and probably the most crucial to the infection. Now it becomes a fatal infection.
She is so young to have to deal with all this. Fly here for two days with her father, and then back for school and secretly moaning to her grandma that she hates it. The counsel she gets is not much good because what can be said. Your parents were stupid and now you have to pay?? No one wanted you in the beginning and now they fight over you, and you have to pay. Your life is split in two; your friends, your family, your heart and you have to pay. Make sure your children don’t have to pay.
I looked through the paper at lunch today and felt that old feeling come again. Depression, lack of confidence, what if, and what if not? These are all emotions I want nothing to do with. Jack-of-all-trades and master of none comes to mind when it comes to skills. How can you know so much and not fit into one of the many slots out there. Maybe I should just go door to door with a resume and see what happens. I could pick my area and the size of the company and I could make the judgment call. Sounds right.
Read the ads, make the grocery list, cut the coupons, and write it all down. Take your shower, dress, and go… Walk in the store, head for your regular starting place and reach in that purse for the list. As usual the list is not there. It is exactly where you left it again. Start anyway and swear to yourself you can remember all of it because you wrote it down didn’t you? Head out, cart rolling strong, determined to fill the invisible list. About three isles away from beginning, in comes the stinking truth, you have no clue,again.
The tension is building weekly. I have tried to mention what I can see and feel beginning. It is becoming clearer to me but I think not for them. I walk by each night and sometimes I hear the voices, unlike they were before. They are louder and I can feel a tension there just by passing. It must be me, how could anyone walk past a house and say they feel tension. I question myself because I have so many feelings and I am hoping that does not blind me. I will continue to pray daily for that house.
Today is the big day and would be a much bigger day if we were all here. Eighty-one years old is impossible to believe when the last time you saw her she was sixty-nine, active, full of life and ready for more. That was twelve years ago. She went in for the surgery that would extend her life and the quality for her old age. She never came back to us. So today we celebrate anyway, in a manner in which she would most appreciate, her favorite meal and then malts with her grandchildren. “Here’s to our mom.” Happy Birthday.
Spring fever has hit late this year, although I’ve had it all summer long. This one is a little different. I am starting to think I want a move. A big move and life changing move. Living in the same area for thirty some years has definite advantages but it feels like I need an act of bravery from myself. Do something I have always wanted to do. Leave the state and live like most of the rest of the world instead of the one-year, virtually one season all the time. I want to feel more while I still can.
My friend sent me a letter she wants to give her daughter after her death. She wanted me to see if she said it all and said it right. I felt honored but wondered how can you say it all and to your child when they are mourning the end of their beginning. I read it and re-read it and in the end could only add one thing to it. She didn’t say thank you. You need to say that to your children when they give back the care and love you gave them. Hers has come back ten fold.
I was seventeen and fell in love for the first time. We dated, I planned, life was wonderful and I was as dumb as a rock. I planned the fantasy of our life to come. Of course he was nineteen and I knew he was mature and honest so trusting him with my heart was easy. When he took my virginity he was shocked, when I became pregnant I was shocked, when he married someone else I died. It seems he was dating two of us at the same time and she got pregnant first. What a beautiful baby girl.
It’s my Birthday. The last day of summer, and the new moon is approaching. I love the gaiety of the celebration with the family coming together. One has been absent for three years but he was there this time and for the good of the whole another wasn’t. He stayed away so his brother, who has wronged me, could go and hopefully begin to mend the tear that has plagued us for over three years. It was the finest gift I have ever received and I am proud to know such a man, as the one my son has become.
Moaning is not a very good quality in anyone and I detest it most in myself. Nothing was ever fixed by gripping. But I am a grouch these days. The whole thing is a chess game and the pawns are sick of playing. We should all just jump off the board at once and then the game is over and over when we say so, not after the company has been pilfered and raped by its master. Disgusting it is. Love for money, power and the finest is a curse at the least and I have run out of sympathy.
When she moved in I knew she wasn’t all she portrayed herself to be and as time went by I became painfully accurate. Slobitis is one fault but because she sleeps her life away it minimizes her messing up my areas too much. Then there was the jail thing with the stolen car. When asked about it and the other things her best friend told me, which I’d rather not know, she told me it was none of my business. I agree. Her screw ups are not my business and not my problem and I have a room for rent.
He is a fine young man, family man, and morale man. Things are really hard for him now and he doesn’t know which way to go. He must find a new job for this one is all but gone. The guts have been taken out and now the shell begins to crumble. There is one child here and one on the way, well educated but not in this country so for now it is wasted on crappy jobs. He will make his moves slowly and as accurately as possible and he will win in the end. He deserves to win.
Well this just sucks. Day in and day out nothing to do. It is unbearable. We have to move on. The future is unsure and no progress is being made, it only gets worse every day that passes. When you are working your tail off you always think, or wish you didn’t have so much to do but give yourself a desk and nothing to do and you will soon find out that that is one wish you better stop making. When that wish is granted you are sorry you ever asked. Work does sucks, but no work sucks worse.
I worry about him. He is not that old and yet he gives himself no challenges, no work, no exercise, and sits at the computer for hours accomplishing nothing. He can’t last like this while smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and he will leave a wife and child. I think it is unconscionable to keep going like that with so much at stake. I don’t think he feels needed. I don’t know why I think that ,but day to day with no purpose seems hopeless somehow. I no longer have any influence with him so I will pray
I have a friend, a long time friend, which is the best kind. She is relentless in her efforts no matter what the project. If you can spark her interest you better look out because she is unstoppable. Her latest project, and the best to this point, is going to be a whopping success. I have every confidence in her and I hope nothing stands in her way for success. She has earned it the hard way and it is long overdue. I know of only one obstacle she has to overcome and it is near and dear to her.
I’m not sick of the 100 Words but I think with all that is happening in my life I am emotionally tapped out right now. I will just ready everyone else’s, the other humans on this planet who have endless drama, action, and emotions to provide us with lessons, entertainment and life experiences. I don’t know what else to do but quitting is not an option for me. I missed one month because of an error on my part. I had written faithfully everyday and one day just did not send. I can’t tell you how disappointed it made me.
I paid an old debt, fixed my car, and paid a huge utility bill all at once. I will be out of work very soon but it was my birthday month and I felt the need to spruce up the slate of my life. I liked the way it felt even though in the back of my mind the insecure person was trembling slightly. Forget the little voice on this one. I am not even going to think like that. I have resources and I have brains and I have family and friends. This ain’t no step for a stepper.
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