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What will she do if all goes down wrong? Two little kids, in the middle of a divorce and her husband in jail for who knows what? Now no job, and probably because of the lax laws in that state she will pay hell getting her money since money is being taken from the payroll account. God is watching and I know he will take care of things in his own time and own way. You cannot knell before Allah everyday and then cheat and steal from his people. Then there are all the other sins of vanity and greed.
I am writing my words early in the day for a change. I am upset with myself for the condemming remarks I made yesterday. I started wondering who was I to judge so harshly the acts of someone else. I thought I had learned this lesson.. Anger, resentment, bitterness and pain. All those were there yesterday and I wrote them down. I‘m am not saying I don’t still have them in me but to put it down so blatenly makes me no better. Control over ourselves is what separates us and truly gives us the advantage in these unpleasant times.
I am gripped with fear. I wake up in the night and immediately start to worry. What if? What if? I hate the feeling and can do nothing to stop it. It has paralyzed my thinking and my decisions making. It comes like a thief in the night and steals my piece of mind and I seem helpless to control it. I need my mind free for making the right decisions based on anything but fear. Everyone tells me, “Don’t worry.” I have said it myself to others and meant it with the same intensity, but that was not me.
Jared is a special little man. We went to the school carnival and as usual he found me and escorted me to the games. He is nine and I ‘m sure would rather run with his friends. Each year it is now our tradition to do this. I was sure this year he would dump me for the boys his age, but he didn’t. He spent two tickets to have my nails done and with each winning prize he asked, “ Which one do you want?” Some girl is going to be very lucky to have this grandson of mine.
I dreamt of the pain of my youth last night. I awoke with feelings I haven’t felt for years and wondered, “Why now?” I was thinking of some of those old feelings yesterday and was reminded of all he did for me and to me. The thoughts running through my head yesterday were only the goods ones. Maybe dreams are the balancing system. Maybe I would start to miss him again if I had gone on with only the good thoughts. It is part of life’s mysteries and things turn out they way they should. I will always miss him.
I cannot imagine why I am so freaked out over all this. I am a solid reliable worker and should have no big fears. I think it’s the long drawn out deadly process that is so unnerving. If it’s over make it so. That’s what I think. I am not into misery and suffering at the hands of someone who loves money over people and has a reckless regard for his faithful workers. I have heard of this and seen it on television but now I have felt the sting myself. Ruthless is the only word that comes to mind.
If you read my words for this month, or maybe just this week you will be depressed. So I warn you now that a big bump is in my road and I am talking it up big time. I am not young nor am I dumb but better words come to mind. Hopelessly optimistic. It can be a bad thing. The world is for survivors and I am one of them even with this fault. I just hate it when I get shot down once again. I can’t give up because it is my life’s motto. I won’t change it.
Sure, of course, anytime, thank you. All words that run over our lips and out the mouth as we pretend from minute to minute that we are functioning normally. I once read that manners and class are what set us aside from the lesser blessed and the animal life. I can begin to see it now because without it at a time like this we would be killing each other and for no reason. But instead we are more polite than ever, more reserved that ever and there is a chill in the air we cannot warm. This is sad.
I have met such nice people in the past three years that it is going to be very difficult to lose this little family. I am an outsider that they have graciously included. I am honored and privileged to be accepted simply because I treated them fairly and the ones before me did not. I could never have been as rude and unkind as my predecessor. She was evil and bitter and it showed every time her mouth opened, acting like everyone was stupid and all this assumed by a non- college graduate of actual graduates. Just not American graduates.
One hundred words are never going to be enough to tell the disastrous state of affairs this company has come to. Led to the slater like sheep one week at a time, the whole while bleeding us dry. I have to take some responsibility here. I kept hoping against hope that we could survive and go back to the robust state we were in when I started. Well let’s face it, no one likes change and I don’t either. It will soon be over. I think I will take a much-needed vacation. I didn’t want to start over, yet again.
This is the year it happens. He promised his mother he would not go this far but of course he could never keep that promise and they both knew it. The laughter does not come as easy or natural. The chatter is calming to conversations and the interests in all things are becoming more defined. He wants more freedoms, time with friends instead of her or I as he used to want. It is an invisible line he has crossed when we weren't looking and even if you did look you would never have seen it. We all grow up.
I was just on the verge of falling asleep last night and I had a great idea for a first line and topic for my 100 Words. I have racked my brain all day trying to remember what it was. It was sooo good and I just loved it. It was about life, love, and the void some of us have and some don't. It was going to be profound and move the reader in one sentence to where I wanted them to go. This morning it is gone. I will go to bed early tonight and locate it again.
How can you rise above feelings so strong you want to slap somebody? Ignorance is my worst dislike and I can almost say hate because it pulls at a rage in me I can't understand. Ignorance of a child's safety, the worst type, even when you kindly warn someone of the danger in your own home and still it is just right over the top. She got in the shower and left a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old on their own with the back doors open. I could have beat her senseless. Well maybe it's the opposite.
I have been out of work for exactly three days and really don't like it. I cannot tell you how many years I have wanted to be home and work on all the projects of my fantasies but now it is here and I am at a loss. I am afraid to start to enjoy it because then I will fear having to leave it. Fear is a killer of joy. I have to move past this and take advantage of this short break in life. I have waited months to be laid off and now I act like this.
Well there is now a new member in our family. So soft, so cute you want to touch him all the time. Nothing compares to the new life. Nothing is ever the same again as well it shouldn't be. You cannot build anything unless you start with that first nail, the first seed, and the breath of life whether it is spring or the air itself or that first striking of the hammer. When you witness this you find it harder and harder to believe that this is not all planned with much more foresight than we could ever have.
Love always leaves a void in us. You can fill it in many different ways. It is versatile that way. I think you are supposed to keep it full of love but I have filled mine with many other things and it is no longer a void. Now it turns out to be a small longing that I have no urgency to fill and I didn't leave much space in the void anyway. I tried to run it to overfull but that didn't work. Maybe there should be a little space in there in case you ever change your mind.
My computer is nuts. I buy stuff, install stuff and it keeps eating it all and asking for more. I drop dial up because it wants speed. Then it moans because they say it takes several days to get to full speed. I get there only to be kicked off the World Wide Web, which of course no one can believe that. AOL sure, some other rinky-dink connection, of course, but not this. Well today I am planning its next meal, or maybe it will be it's last meal instead. How long to you think you should simmer large plastic?
She had not eaten in two days. She had cigarettes, new shampoo and conditioner, money to eat out last week but now she is too weak she says to walk to the pay phone. I am coming to detest this person with the high drama and the crap that flows non-stop from her mouth. Twenty-four and so full of lies and deceit and all for lack of maturity and integrity. This is not one of my own but it erks me to have my intelligence so insulted. Like she is the first to pull this off. She is pretty pathetic.
Did I mention I am out of a job? The one I have known for months they were stealing. Depleting the inventory so they could screw the bank just a little more. Pretending it would change so we would all hang on for a while longer. Well I played the game, knew I could not win, and didn't. So now it begins. Another place to make a buck, act like you care, then go home. In time I will care but that stage in between is what we all hate. "Good morning Mr. Jones" (you seem like a nice asswipe)
No details, no details, no details I say. I don't want all the details. I just want a straight answer without all the embellishments. Is that wrong? I have been listening to people talk all my life and maybe I am getting tired of all the details. Most conversations at a personal level are way ,way too many details.. I don't want the details. Please just answer me to the best of your ability. No miracles for one who cannot perform them, just not all the detail. I don't have the time anymore. I have my own details to hear.
The day has come. The change is in the air. The time of life for honey is slowly flowing from him. It happens to all, when there is a period of change and there will be many more. Now everything out of his mouth is too sharp, too funny, too much and no honey flows with it. This is not some unusual phenomenon but a natural process of a boy making the fist big step from child to man. It is not one of the prettier stages for them but a necessary one it seems. He won't be the first.
He just left and now he is back. Something is wrong on the job. Something is very wrong on the job. The boss yells at him and he does not do yelling well. He was already stressed because someone else put him in this situation and doing his job was out of his control. He had back up already lined up and was ready to finish the task one way or the other but then the boss called and started. He simply told him after listening to the guy blow off, "I shit my pants and have to go home."
Work, work, work. I have none. I always wanted to be home when I couldn't and now that I am I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to sit here and lose my confidence as each day goes by and my mode switches to house and home. We can never really have it all can we? "Be careful what you ask for." Time spent in the abyss is not really relaxing. The peace we all seek is not here as I planned. Peace seems to come to me with more balance. Work is a natural part.
Fairy boxes, moon boxes, feathers, beads, and papers of all shades. These are the ingredients I am to work with. They must be pretty, they must be cute, they must each one be different. I will have to dig down to the place within that hides these creations and turn them into a piece of art. Art to sell but filled with more art. Inside each will be the secrets. The moon of your birth and the natural complements of each. I will pray for that inner area to reveal itself to me and make this a project of love.
My sister and I were talking and she has already made a will and asked if I had mine handled. I don't and at first thought didn't really see why she did. Then as our visit continued I realized we are not the same people and the conversations are somehow different. Even the topics, the way we used the vocabulary, the silences that have never been there before. I looked at us anew and saw what is and not what was. It was not disturbing to face this reality. I thought I had, but now I know that isn't true.
E.T. sits above me. He holds a flower in his four fingers. I have a lizard, a dead Gardenia, a plastic butterfly and a purple alien, all on my computer. I've seen people like this and wonder why all the junk in their work space. It seems that each one came to the place they hold as a natural process and no deliberate means. So what does this all mean? I don't have a clue. Someone made a comment and I took it all down. Then I put it all back with a better attitude. "Who cares what you think?"
I have to find my creative side she says. Well I have never thought I had a very big one so that may be more of a task that you might think. How far will I have to dig for this power I seldom use? I need stimulation. I need to find where to get that stimulation. "I know you will do an excellent job." Boy that is either a lot of hype or she knows something I don't know. I will go to the children. They have an endless resource of creativity. Maybe they will share some with me.
I burn the candles to move things in my spirit that lie dormant. One for peace, one for energy, one for tranquility, and endless others. I add oils on occasion to change the scent. I was wondering if in doing this I have changed the whole purpose of the burn. Have I mixed the emotions and undone the very thing I started out to do? I burn for tranquility, then add peppermint for the smell. It is a contradiction of healing power and perhaps a reflection of the very emotions I am trying to separate. I can't leave anything alone.
Gypsies, the tormented people. They have history all the way back to biblical times. They were persecuted with the Jews and died with each other. They have a reputation for being nomadic people, mystic people, and thieves. I have always feared them because as I child I was told they steal children. Well I couldn't have that for a life. Once I hoped they would so I could travel everywhere and never have to bathe, steal whatever I wanted and not listen to mom and dad. I am a gypsy for Halloween or I would never have found the truth.
In the heat of the battle it never occurred to me I would have any guilt. Now it is calm and already I feel sorry for my behavior. When I loose it I am automatically wrong. I am older, supposedly wiser and more experienced, but hell, wrong is wrong and that twit is wrong. The guilt is for my conduct not the fact that she is twenty-four and lies, steals and cheats for the simplest things in life. If I were a liar and thief I would at least make it worthwhile as I showed my ass to the world.
Happy Halloween!!!!! This is not commonly a Christian holiday we know but still there is the fun of the idea. All Saints Day to many and a time of tribute to the dead. It could be conceived as evil in some unbending views. This year it was a haunted house of massive proportions. Hours and hours of work and planning and dollars just thrown in the air all for the night of haunting. It was a huge success and we scared the young and old alike. Blood, monsters, horoscopes and more. All in fun for the night of the dead.
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