REPORT A PROBLEM
Here we go into the new month. Still no job after the big lay off, now three weeks passed. I was sure I would get a job right away and I have to say I have not been energized, as I should be for the hunt. Maybe you need a time to mourn, even a bad thing of this nature. It was so long in coming and yet lurked there for months. I am chalking it up to that and now I have to hit the road and make my spot in the world all over again. One more time.
"Ding dong the bitch is dead, the wicked bitch, the wicked bitch is dead." Well she isn't really dead but she's out of my life and out of my house. The world just became a better place. Evil is no longer present in the nest. I told my grandson, "Even a dog doesn't crap where he lives." He didn't understand so I explained like this: Would you pee in the corner in your own room? No he says. So I said would you pee in the corner in your brother's room? And he grinned. Maybe. And there you have it.
I don't really have a thing to say on this day. All things are going smoothly for a rainy day in CA. I can say we need the rain and so do the firefighters. Everyone from my home state says, "You better move out of there. You're going to fall in the ocean." I kind of doubt that but a week end past I thought the whole state might burn. It wasn't close but the evidence was everywhere. Ashes on everything, living or not. It made no difference to the wind. No air to breathe. I better stop smoking again.
She waits for his embrace as if it is food for her soul. She can almost feel it as it was before. The warmth that rises from deep within, the rush to fill the void that is always there when he is not. She cannot find it anywhere until he wraps her in his arms. Then the release of the waiting is a warm flow through her body. It's not sexual in nature, that comes later. This is soul food that comes only with an embrace from him. Let it flow; let it flow from your head to your toes.
I am surrounded by work. None that pays, that one is gone. I have gone from manicured nails to broken, chipped and dish pan hands. This is all in a matter of three weeks. In two more weeks I could have it all back but that is now how it looks from here. What is only a short time proves to be the nature of us to adjust. First week: still mentally working. Second week: figuring out what to do. Third week: fully immersed in the home. Aren't we such a versatile animal? Chameleons with fear which change our color.
There are three of them and the mom. She is not even a good mom. She sleeps while they run and others look after them, assuming they will be cared for. Friday rolls around and her husband comes home with no paycheck. The truck needed repairs he says. They live with the parent and grandparents and live off the social security of the two. It is never enough to feed the whole crew. How can he do that to them? He is no man. I don't believe in the theory of working for nothing. I don't believer he does either.
She is in the hospital again. She is old but not that old. I guess her body is worn out even though she has not had a hard life. She had health problems when she was very young and it seems they take their toll once again on the other end. What a dear friend she's became over the years. These are the things in life people talk about being lucky to have. I have two. If I lose one will I have another left? No it doesn't work that way. The loss of her youth has been hard enough.
One e-mail from her and I think I am lucky to be bored on occasion. Her life is a living hell from day to day. Too many people in one house, one car, one table, one little spot on the map and battle is the key word. They battle for space, for words, for power, for money, and for peace. There is no peace there because they are not peaceful people. They fight for it but don't really want it. They wake up each day and start all over again. Family keeps them together and family tears them apart. Amen!
Today is not a day of great interest and I am having more of these all the time. A friend of mine suggested I take in foster children. I love children and trust them with my feelings unlike much of the adult world, but to have that responsibility again is not for me. It is easy to love something so sweet and open and trusting, but letting this go would be the difficulty. Love, release, love, release. I am too selfish for that. A work of art as they: I would want to create but would not want to return.
When the phone rang I didn't expect it to be from the past. A phone is in the present but it can take you way back with one ring. I used to love this guy, I thought. I must have been out of my mind desperate because he has not changed one bit and I could hardly bear to keep up my end of the conversation. What is it that says love when clearly all the signs point the other direction? Signs you can read clearly and understand. It must be that human condition, the one that keeps us seeking.
I haven't read any other members words for a few weeks. I always wonder what Kenfuck is up to because he seems to be growing each month. Riverdame is an interesting person and old soldier it seems, to be admired. I have read others but those two stand out at the moment. I find my own words often boring but usually don't mind because when that is the case life is rolling along without major drama. Two of my friends have stopped writing all together because they say they are too busy. I feel commitment and they could care less.
To me has fallen the job of training. Once again he brings them home, loves them, holds them and plays with them. When the work begins there is no one in sight. I have to laugh because it has been going on since he was small. A new kitten, sneezing, in need of immediate attention, with one bag of dry food. What about the cans? What about the litter box? What about keeping him indoors to get used to his new home? Don't worry mom it is just a cat. He doesn't realize I am caring for something he loves.
"Define play." That's what he said. I know HIS definition of play when it comes to us but that‘s not how I answered him. One of us has to keep our morals straight. He won't. I don't want to. I will anyway. I would love to define play for him. I would love to play the way he wants but it wouldn't be right. There are too many hearts involved. So I offered another kind of play. One not so thrilling or passionate, one suitable for where we should be with each other instead of where we have always been.
The letter from an old high school friend gave me the news. His wife says he's not the same ol guy we know. They have been married since high school and have had a great run at it. The loss of his appendages on one side, slowly and gradually is the mystery. He is losing the great attitude he always carries. They don't know what is wrong. I would send a card but that would depress more by giving in to the problem he doesn't understand. I'll call and cuss him out and call him a baby. He loves that.
Christmas is coming at an alarming rate, after such a long cold wait. I have no job, no money, and no talent. So what is a girl to do? The children must have gifts, the family too. What would you do? The game is on, we have to win. first place at stake, last year the other end. maybe it will rain for weeks Then the drama will have to wait. Fairy pictures all a mess. How can you fix this with hardly a guess? I will break the lines that have been set. Make the fairies lay where best. .
Why do I have to defend my relationship with my grandchildren to my sister? She just can't imagine that I might actually change some plans to spend time with one that I see very seldom. Her first reaction is: "Well that's not your problem is it?" No it is not my problem. It is my pleasure. This is not her deal. She loves her grandkids as she did her own, from a distance. I am involved with the grandkids as I was with my own and she could never understand that either. Selfish is the word I am looking for.
She is the mad scientist in her own little lab. She creates and creates, but who knows. She sits and waits for the world to change. She does nothing to change her own space. And she cries for the loss of she knows not what. Ideas fly from her mouth and none are bad. But none apply to her. One more chance to make all right After this one it ends her blight. She has to move her mind and body Her strength is ebbing and her ego with it. I have tried to help her many times But no.
My days pass by like summers breeze. One following another until there seems no difference from each other Feeling carefree and knowing it is a lie seems to suit me now I know not why Take a walk, get outside do yourself a favor and play awhile. See a movie, take a ride go somewhere Just don't hide Time is passing as we sit and wait You cannot live and vegetate Grab a child and feel the fire That burns within and drives you wild It's all inside just get it out Make a move and make it right.... Bye
The house is so cold. I cannot get the heater to work and I feel inadequate. It is all in the thermostat, that much I know. How hard can it be? I think I like the old style better with it's simple temperature control. Not digital, not so sensitive, not so complicated. Fancy is not always better and improvements on everything has it's advantages but this is not one of them. If it is cold just turn it on and if it is not sensitive enough to know when to go off, so be it. I will turn it off.
I have to pay my own health insurance now. They don't have me in the system and yet they show the payment. It is in order now but took two days of hell to get. Magically with in a few more days comes a brand new insurance card that should have been here a month ago. I must be getting old and crotchety because this stuff bugs. I remember when my dad used to get furious at clothes hangers. I would step in and straighten them out and try and soothe him. Now someone needs to step in for me.
Music is one of the keys of life. It can relay a range of emotions that little else can do. I forget to listen. Then I do and realize what it stirs in me. Emotions put away without really thinking. Put there just to sideline them for a time but then you don't being them back out. Before you know it that is where they live. Not available to you without effort. Now the questions becomes: Why did you leave them there for so long? Was life better then or now? And finally what will you do with this information?
Today was my father's birthday. Today is the day Kennedy was shot. The two can never be separated again. I remember my father saying that it was a birthday he would never forget. I was still in school but you never forget where you were that day and exactly what you were doing. I was in a doctor's office having stitches, right between my eyes. I remember most the reaction of the people in that room. One let out a scream, one instantly wept. I didn't know what to do. I just felt like the wind was knocked out of me.
It is the time when you are just dozing off. It is the time for listening to the spirits of those you want to hear. She said if you're just listening they are trying to speak to you all the time. You have to listen. My mother could spirit write, but she didn't like it. They say if you pray first you have God's protection. My sister can write too but she doesn't like it either. When I ask why it is always answered the same. You cannot control who wants to come through. All are pushing to be heard.
She has changed in the two months we have not seen her. It's the age somewhat but the attitude is a lot different. Oh occasionally the moods, or bratty but not like now. I would like to chalk it up to age but it is more. Her new life, new step-father, new school, these are a lot to swallow at one time and when you are only twelve. She thinks she is so big and knowledgeable but we all know better. Most of us have felt the same way, but this is more. Beyond. Too many changes for that child.
Packing the CD's, washed the dog, forgot the car, hoping for no rain and taking off. The holiday should be fun away from home. Less work, more leisure, new surroundings. Colder, more in the atmosphere of the season. It is always too warm in So. Cal for the holiday season. It's the only time of year I wish I was somewhere else. Things are just not natural when Christmas and Thanksgiving are 75-80. I have done it here for years but never felt it was really right. So this year I leave the warmth to seek the cold. Life's opposites.
I don't have a hundred words in me today. I am whipped. I had energy to spare yesterday and hardly knew where it came from but took full advantage. Now the price. Doesn't seem right. More to do and time is approaching the crunch zone. Not too many people this year so it will be less stressful. I need that new job, I need money, and I can hardly lift my own butt up today. (It's not that big either) This is rather depressing. I just combined my holiday woe with my lack of a job. How can you not?
He is smart. He is good looking. He is a very sorry soul. This man is so many things but one of them is drugs. He is in his thirties now and it is no better. His child rarely sees him anymore. He used to bring the boy with him once in awhile, but no more. The grandparents won't allow it. I look at him and wonder why. Why would you waste so many gifts in a world of drugs when no one there appreciates them, or cares? He would be lucky to have one good friend. And he does.
I have been given very explicit instruction on the new dismissal time. He is a very particular child in this area. He does not like to wait and the time spent waiting to him is an eternity. Fifteen minutes was described as two hours. Three minutes was told in his story as "half an hour at least". I remember time being that long for me when I was a child. The time spent waiting in the car while mom stopped in to see a friend. It was an eternity. Looking back I don't think he is that far off.
A job interview. That sucks. It is one of the most vulnerable situations. I advise others to buck up and who cares what they think and you'll get it if you are meant to. All that I say to others. When it is me, on the other hand. No way can I follow my own advise. I was nervous, not so sure of myself as usual, and suddenly couldn't remember how to get there. When stressed, I completely forget my direction. I remember the night my mother died. I never got so lost coming home from somewhere in my life.
ET phone home…. The cry of the alien creature is still heard. We all related on one level or another to the connection that was broken and the need to reconnect for the little guy. The experience of all new surrounding and the fear that stems from that. Many say they want to go somewhere where no one knows them and they know no one. I don't believe them. The "normal" person cannot easily do that. We strive for connection, and thrive on its place in our life. But to do it and say you're happy ,,,,,I don't believe it.
The Tip Jar