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Here comes the scariest month of the year. Looking forward to the holiday, friends, family and food. But scary non the less. What to get everyone? So we make the lists, trade them off with each other and hope for the best. No gifts are duplicated because we go to great extremes to check with each other almost daily. Then there are always the little extras that end up being almost as much as the gifts. No time of the year does money flow so freely. It feels like there is no tomorrow and if there is, then so what.
"There will be extensive testing." Damm that is tough. I hate tests and never did well in school on a test let alone years later. I have to tell myself it doesn't matter if I look dumb as a rock on paper. They need to test logic, morals, and common sense. I could do that. So off I go to look like a dork with an examiner that is probably only twelve, or at least looks like it. I have decided the way you can test age. You think all the tellers at the bank or no more than sixteen.
He stopped itching so much. Now he sleeps all night and no more trips out for his business. Someone said to me, "When are you going to put him down?" The answer was "Never" That is not my job. I would no more take his life than I would expect someone to take mine. I'm not sure when I developed this theory but they have drugs for animals, just like people. So it ain't gonna happen. I think it came about as he got the health problems. Lots of work to keep him feeling good but he will not suffer.
Once a year we have this party. It sounds boring but it really isn't. We call it the "Good Friends Annual Tea." So you think good friends should have more than one event a year and I have to agree, but we don't. That's the whole point of this. We are all busy and really don't stay in touch during the year, so once a year we do this tea and cookie exchange. Are cookies are made for the holiday and we all get to catch up on the years events. These really are good old friends, as they say.
He has been out of school a whole week. I never talk with him anymore. He is getting too old to need me as he did when he was young. It is part of the price for my aging and his growing up. But this week was like old times. He talked his head off. Girls, college, parents, brother, death. He wanted to discuss it all. Oh, and his Christmas list. It was funny when his mom and I were talking and both were excited to tell each other of the time we spent with him. Being sick has advantages.
As Christmas approaches I always start thinking of all I have to be grateful for. I think it sounds corny to say it but it happens every year like clockwork. I don't drudge it up myself; it just sits there waiting for my attention. I am not the dramatic type, nor the emotional type and I don't even think I am sensitive young thing I used to be. I have lived. I have learned. I don't' have time for the unnecessary drama I used to live by. Now I am counselor to some, friend to others. Time changes all things.
To market, to market. All the regular markets are on strike. So you buy meat in one place, bread in another, produce in yet another. I am starting to like it more and more. It was always this way in years past. In many places it is still this way today. I find I am caring more about the food I purchase and the quality I provide at my table. It is a good wholesome feeling I have never experienced. I will have to thank those strikers for opening my eyes to the real way to shop. No more markets.
So you wanna be a movie star. So you wanna be a hero. You wanna walk on the moon. Buy a poster that says all the right things to make your spirits soar. Lift yourself up to any place you want to be. Fall in love, have the career, and send the children off to daycare. It is the way. It is how you get ahead. What was it we were getting ahead of? What was it we were going to do originally? When did you miss the turn in the road? The path that led to the true destination.
Denial: no, not, can't, won't, shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, not me, no way, why, how come, you should have, I would have, but no one did. How many ways can you not take responsibility? Millions more most likely. I like to think I do but often see later that I didn't. Then it's should have, wish I would have and didn't. I'm better than I used to be and not as good as I could be. When we will ever learn? As an adult will it be complete? I would like to be one of the few before life is over.
Finally she has some money. It has been four long months of frustration and misery to pull this loan together. She had fairly decent credit when she started but by the time it was over, scores had fallen drastically. When you cannot pay your bills it happens very quickly. Years of hard work gone in no time at all. So now the test is on. She will have to find work, rent out a room and start her life. This is no easy task after months at home, depressed, broke, and lonely. I will pray she has success in all.
"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless, mama, daddy, Mitchell, Mema, Mema in Canada and all our friends. Jared is grateful for: Having fun with Mema while my mom and dad are gone. For sleeping in her bed and for the fun things we do. For playing with me and taking me places and picking me up at school." Then he said "Ok Mema, what are you grateful for?" Dear reader, you know my answer.
It happened today. I didn't want to go and I didn't want to drive that far and I swore I would not. Never the less I accepted the job. I have moaned about it for three months now so you would think any job would make me happy. I am more excited than I expected to be. I am not cut out for staying home with less money than I need. I have cleaned everything I own and now that I have only the weekend before the job starts. I have thought of another 100 things I should have done.
When fate hands you something good you feel the need to take it. Well I did just that. Took what fate handed me and was making the best of it, then the call. The job I really wanted. Now it is available and they want me. But I took the one fate handed me first. So which one is truly my fate? I hate it when I get choices like this. What is this? One is more money but no benefits. The other offers a bonus but they are all women. I work better with men. I like them better.
I had a second interview for that job I really waned. The one with the way better benefits. The one with all women. The one closer to home. So why now do I hesitate to jump on it. I think because there is a part of me that still wants the challenge, even though God knows my whole life has been a challenge. I never thought I was that type but I must be. I look forward to all things in the new job except the job itself. That probably is not good enough. They swear you don't get bored.
Ok lets do the pro and con thing. Job I think I want. Pro: More money, closer to home, better hours, better benefits, bonus each year, very structured. Con: All women. OK second choice. Pro: Nice people, free lunch, all men, challenging. Con: Too far, no overtime paid, free lunch is not American, unstructured, unorganized. So there it all is and I have to make a choice. Now the Virgo that I am wants really bad to take on the challenge and organize the second choice. The logical side of me says I have been there, done that. Oh boy!
There is much to do and I cannot bring myself to get after it. I lack my usual spirit. To judge oneself is hard to do objectively. I try to judge fairly and usually end getting the best information about myself from a friend who sees all and not the sections as I do. I write this because as I am thinking I need to shape up I know exactly what my friend will tell me. "Well my gosh, you just started a new job, Christmas is here, you have guests coming." I guess I don't need to call her.
There are two people I love very much that probably won't be here next Christmas. I have gone to great means, without being obvious, to make sure they have an excellent last go round. My brother said to me that he hopes when he is older people will help his wife as much as she has helped others. I fear she has helped the wrong people. I do not doubt she will be rewarded but I am just unsure as to where and when. What goes around does come around in one time or another. It doesn't matter which really.
I start, I quit, I promise, I back out. Confusing to tell, often confusing to live. We are all in this together and rolling along with life is easy. Fighting life is much more difficult. Fighting sounds strong but it is the way it feels as you reach out to each new day and hope it is a good one, decide it will be good and then somehow you cannot pull it off. I often blame it on outside influences, but it has to come back to me. The control is in my hands and some days it just slips.
Cleaning up the Christmas mess. Down with the lights and glitter of all the fan fare coming to a close for another year. With the passing years it seems harder and harder to pull it all together. Some can complete the entire task in one or two days. I can do it in one or two months. I envy the person that can do that. I think and think and cannot seem to figure it out. My son leaves the house one afternoon and comes home in the evening with almost all of it finished. How does he do that?
The stockings are hung. The stockings are hung. And that is the least of it. The house is cleaned. The gifts are wrapped. The extra people you always think of are actually included at this stage. The tree is doing it's thing beautifully and the lights on the house are responding to the timer. All is well and all is ready. This year is extra special for this family. The sisters have not had Christmas together since we lost our mother. That was 12 years ago. This will make mother proud. She will join us, of course. I invited her.
She is with us again and the house is full of activity. It is a joy when there is activity all over the place. Noise, phone, friends, sleepovers, the works. I miss her when she is not here even though the peace and quiet falls on this home so softly. Then like a tornado she hits again. I love it, the best of both worlds. She used to live with us and now she visits. I miss her, yet I love the peace. As I write this I realize that having her here is worth the loss of the quiet.
Do you have those days when you feel like a complete shit? Well today was mine. I quit a job I have had only a week for a much better job. I really, really like the people there but I need to do this. They offered me more money to stay, a bonus to match what I will get at the new company and a solid future. I couldn't ask for more. Your gut doesn't lie and if ever I go against it I am always sorry. So I guess it will be a day to remember and nothing more.
The crazy one came for Christmas. When she was tired of washing dishes she locked the cabinets. Now who does that? She ran the vacuum and yelled at everyone that came through the door." Wipe your damm feet!" Everyone laughed and obeyed because that is who she is and it is done with such humor only she could pull it off. She bitched and ordered and generally took the controls. Her boyfriend stayed in the garage where he is most happy. It is a rare person that can get away with this. She is loved by all who meet her.
He smokes it all the time again. He gave up the euphoria for a while and seemed to be doing fine. Now it is back. The odd smell drifts through the house in the long winter nights. He doesn't hang in the garage as he did in nicer weather. The times for feelings that are not real are coming to an end. He has a child approaching high school and surely it will have to go then. The child is still ignorant at this point in time but that won't last long. He will know when the time is right.
Merry Christmas to us all! Friends drop in with wine and gifts we talk for hours and catch up on our lives. It is just about that time of day when you are ready to relax and think to yourself, "Good an early night." Wrong. My very first thought was selfish. Inconvenient I felt and a little nervy just to pop in unannounced. Then as we talked it came to me. This is what it is all about. Count this blessing for what it is. There are those who care enough to bring you cheer and celebrate the blessed day.
Merry Christmas my dear friend. I see you lying there helpless and ill beyond recognition. It is hard to believe that person is you my dearest friend. The face is pale with eyes sunken deep and gray. I try to prepare for the loss of you that I know in imminent and cannot find a way. Maybe you will make it this time as I pray but the body is losing the long hard battle it has fought for so long. I see myself in you and I see my future as well. No one gets out of this alive.
Boxes crushed and broken, papers wadded and shredded, ribbon hanging precariously from coffee tables and chairs. Tissue of every color flying through the air, children squealing and dancing around without a single care. Christmas tree still shining bright and clear, ornaments still hanging some are hardly making it with all this Christmas cheer. The oven has worked almost as hard as I, cranking out turkey, ham and a few little pies. I call this mess a happiness true. When we all come together and add to the stew. I ran out of words to finish this up. Now there's 100.
Amazed again by this young man. He can have such class and all the time I am so unaware of it in our daily lives. He burps so loud you don't think that sound could come from anyone's body. But I did say class didn't I? Obviously not in all things but in the matters that are most important to the human race. He calls me by my first name a least half of the time, which is generally considered to be disrespectful. I can't believe how lazy he can be nor can I believe what he accomplishes at others.
I don't know if you are suppose to confess this but I am so far behind on my words I may not make it this month. I had one month that I completed, made a mistake with an entry and never got it listed so I don't want to do that again. The holidays were the best ever. All three sisters together for the first time since our mother died twelve years ago. We had a great time and I am no doubt blessed beyond belief. I imagine my mother enjoyed it as well from where she watches us always.
Up the stairs. Down the stairs. Up again and down again. How many is that? How many will it take? They say you must get the heart rate up. Up to what? Who is they? I have always wondered that. There are a lot of "they's" out there. Which one has a real clue and when will it change again? Once it was good to rest and recuperate and now it is get up and go to feel better faster. I don't know what is right. Everything in moderation. The body is the temple. That works for me, for now.
Happy New Year everyone here. I am making no promises I can't keep nor am I making any I can keep. I work hard all year to do the best I can and at times am a slave driver. So I will continue as I have and pray I can pull it off one more year. I have lost a job, a friend, and other misc. items. I have gained more knowledge, more friends, and gotten closer to my family. Many people think my ideals are small and easy to fill but I think they are the ones most important.
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