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I need February to finish my analysis of the room. We are over to my side of the room now. There is an older, smoker, medium build, cussing old broad there. I like her. She is a very hard worker but it takes much out of her to keep up. I feel bad and wish I could do something to help. I will if I can learn all that I need to learn. She is a straight up gal. Then the petite little blonde in the corner. Single mom, quiet, a little on the rough looking side but still cute.
This one I think is okay. She has a pal and is not overly friendly but some are slow to warm. Now the one I know the best. She is a single mom, still getting over a very bad divorce, with an X already remarried. Killed her and she is angry a lot of the time. I keep hoping she'll get on with it. Maybe in time I ‘m thinking. She has a good heart underneath the anger she is carrying. She will be ok. We have one last lady to discuss. She is sixties, divorced after thirty years. Sad.
Just today she told me her story. It happened four years ago and you can tell she is still hurting. I felt bad. They retired and moved out of state. The whole bit. Then bam, he wants out. She is a fine spirited lady and I like her and think she is the most all around whole person in the bunch even with the pain she carries. Now there is only me left. I am struggling; still, to learn the new job. I work like a dog for less money than ever. Now what to you get from that? Dumb.
"Excuse you." He comes and goes with no regard to anything except his own whims. He is a free spirit that so many of us admire. This is all well and good but what of the spirits he tramples as he maintains his own. He seems to be able to make himself most affectionate and at the same level most annoying. The word free is lost on me when he can hardly function without the aid of others. How free is that? Free to constantly need the aid of others to maintain freedom? I think there is an oxymoron here.
I am sending off for the ten-dollar rebate on the game I purchased. I have until April. I need: to copy the receipt, send the original eighteen inch rebate form, copy the UPC code, and then mail them all in to someplace called Young America. I don't know about anyone else but I think all the above is a good deterrent for that ten bucks. I'll do it because they get under my skin and the challenge they make me go through ticks me off. I wonder how many won't and how much they save in the great rebate game?
I am going back to all the 100 Words I have written to see how many times the word " I " begins or is abused throughout the piece. I don't necessarily like to write about I but it seems to pop up more than I like. I think I should be writing more about the life altering things, the beauty, the losses, the triumphs, and pain. I guess it just isn't true. I have friends, family, funny things, challenging things to put down, but we'll see if that is being done or not. I need to check this out.
It is the weekend to be ill. I have been under tremendous stress for six weeks and I am long overdue for this body to demand a break, anyway it can get it. It is the way it always seems to get rest because I won't let it happen any other way. The more problems there are the harder I go and the more I find to do. It is the ultimate escape for me. I should drink, or smoke pot, or spend money, but oh no, not me. I don't blame this body. The hell with me. Break time.
"Why do you have more pictures of the boys than you do me?" That is a good question coming from this twelve-year-old child to her grandmother. Why indeed. Because we never met until you were five. Because your dad and mom were never married. Because your mom changed her mind about child support and dad started seeing you because he had to pay or he never probably would have. Instead the answers come out for the child. "We lived so far away when you were little and I missed seeing you so much. That's why I take so many now."
I am heading out the door in a few to meet a guy that my sister met on the Internet. He is the right age range for her but geographically undesirable. You know that one. I wasn't going to do it for weeks on end and then the icebreaker came my way. As big as CA is, it too is a small world. It turns out that we have three mutual friends and they are all meeting us there.. No go figure out how my sister 200 mile from me meets a guy I practically know right down the street.
He was nice, polite; spoke of music and religion, his past relationships, his job minimally. He seems to have old school manners which were refreshing. The whole idea of friendship only was in a brief time changed to seeing what happens. I know many say they do not want to get involved but I really mean it and have been as honest as humanly possible. He is not listening as he said he would. I can tell he will want more and hope for more. Honesty is supposed to be appreciated. Maybe it is but it is not truly respected.
There are three. They range in age from two to nine. They don't live with her and haven't for some time. Their father is raising them with a new wife. I watch the interaction of the three with the mom they see so seldom, I wonder what is in their little minds. One asked, "How long is my mom going to live here? I like this house." My heart sank just a little. She doesn't live here. She is friend of my sons and I thought it would be nice to let her enjoy her children here for one day.
It is three am and the house is not quiet. I get up, go down the hall and hear a television on, to loud for the hour. I turn if off, turn off the light, and hear him snoring loudly on his bed fully clothed. He is just a kid, and not a very serious one at that. Twenty three and not there yet. He is not mine. He rents a room but acts like he owns the whole house. The age I am sure. Arrogant, cocky, full of self and not sure at all. Growing into manhood is hard.
It is a long time myth that we still honor today. At least some of us do. Friday the thirteenth. The day was good as they have all been before. It is not the 13th that causes the problems in our monthly moon cycles. It is of course those full moons that throw us. It has always amazed me, even when you are unaware of the full moon phase, the invariably I will either step out in the evening or hear it mentioned days later and say" Oh so that's why the day was so weird and stupid." Always is…..
These are some of the biggest plans I have ever heard. She has a great mind. Will she pull it off or not? It does seem like a good idea and in theory could work, but the competition is great. If she can get any help on this she just might do it. Lord knows she has worked for this. So the 27th will be the big test to see if the product is a hit or miss. The product is very nice and the packaging is outstanding. I would buy it for that alone. I hope others do to.
I try to find something good in everything. I sometimes forget to do that. When I remind myself it makes life easier. I do see the good in him but the bad I see, and so early on, tells me the good I see is not enough. If the good in you cannot be seen overwhelmingly in the beginning, why in the world would you go another step further? My sister says I think he is sorry and feels bad. I say, so what? I don't even know him and he has lied to me and about me. Or decived?
The world is full of weird people. Maybe we all are to a certain extent. Maybe one person's weird is another persons normal. I met this guy. Nice guy, very upfront, told me all nice things. I met him for coffee even though I had not been feeling well. Well to keep this short and to the point, he called the next night, and the following day three times and I still wasn't feeling up to a movie. So now comes Monday and he tells my sister I have too much baggage can he come and see her. That's weird.
The calls come every night. I cannot always answer. Energy needs to be conserved. It is a constant drain, always taking and only giving if you make it. Years go by and the drain continues. Hours of life gone on hopeless wanting, what if's, and smoke. The smoke is the screen that hides all that is real. You live in the smoke and it becomes part of you. There is no longer a way to reality. To see the reality now would mean it was all a waste of time. All the hours spent on nothing. That is not acceptable.
When the time comes for us it is not always unexpected. This weekend I spent a morning sitting with a dieing animal. He has been here fourteen years. That's an old dog. It may sound silly to even have these thoughts but as his time neared he crawled a few inches at a time toward a small shrine my friend has in his home. I watched him for four hours making his was to that spot. Had I know that was where he wanted to be I would've helped him get there faster. But then maybe I wasn't supposed to.
There is too much traffic in my home. My son has a friend that in the mind of anyone and everyone is a loser. We all know it but we all help him. It is like an older brother thing I think. I accept this and never complain. Recently his friend is bringing a friend with him. Now I walk into my home and there are two losers, one to many. My son is a grown man but a talk we will have. Helping a friend is one thing, filling the house is not how I want to live. Scared.
We have a visitor who talks like the people in Fargo. Remember that comedy. Very dry and the kind you have to be in the mood for, really in the mood for. Well we have it right here in our home. She is the other grandmother form Canada. We are Mema from Canada and just plain Mema. So with the two of us together it makes for interesting games with the kids. They love to see us both jump at the mention of our mutual name. She is the nice one and they don't'listen so I go to protect her.
I'm out of words for the month and the month is not over. The job is going better if anyone happened to hear me moaning so much before now. I moaned a lot. I think several times and for that I apologize but it was real at the time and it is real looking back. I still don't think I will like it. There is no challenge involved once you learn it. I don't have it all but I am getting close. Then I wonder what I will do? Fear made me take it and fear may keep me there.
He's on the steroids now. His quality of life is better but he is slow to go, and only alert at times. People kindly say, "He's got a few good years in him." Not so and I know it better than anyone because I care for him. He goes with more gusto when people are around to stimulate. When they are gone he is just like me. We settle in to our routine and that is not always accomplishing. I guess it is true of us all. We have one face for others and one that is just our own.
She called with that suffering voice I know so well. I had put off going to see her because my car was messing up and I didn't trust it for the two hundred miles. But it got worse for her again. The pain excruciating and she could do little for herself. The other sister will only go if there is something in it for her, and this time it was straight giving because we are family and she needed help. I borrowed a car and left right away. I did the shopping, cleaned and cooked. She called to say thanks.
I have talked and talked to her. She now thinks that having a baby will save the relationship. She is a wonderful woman and yet so full of fear that it binds her in ways I am pressed to explain. She's afraid at thirty, that she is getting too old to have children. She's afraid that if she doesn't keep this guy she will never find another. She is smart, beautiful, kind and sweet. That is sad to see and I can see so much of my youth in her that it hurts to see her make the same mistakes.
The roommate is making me crazy. He is a young kid of twenty-three who believes he is a man and yet there is that tapping at the door with the millions of little questions that proves that indeed he is not. Rushing here and there and getting so upset that he cannot accomplish what he wants, can't find what he needs, and generally gets very upset. How do you tell him to get a grip, slow down, figure it out? You know when I was young I always heard that "Youth is wasted on the young." Now I get it.
So he buys a new truck. He wants me to stop getting ready for work to help him look on the Internet for pricing. I do it, we get an average, and then he overpays anyway. He takes a friend with him who knows little about cars but will take a look. The friend advises him to take it to a mechanic because it has a lot of miles on it and it is too hard to tell the condition. So he buys it against good advise. Drives it home, parks it, and then can't get it to start. Irony.
The mother in law is here for three weeks. She has nothing to do all day as they work but is happy to have a meal ready when they arrive home. Nice. The catch is how it comes about. She asked what they would like. Ok, and what would you like with it? Ok and what veggie would you like with that? Ok and what kind of bread would you like with that? Ok and what can I make for dessert? Ok and will the boys be her? Ok and what time would you all be here to eat? Ok
I loved her in spite of the hell she put me through. I cared for her, gave her a home when her own children wouldn't. I bought a home so she would have her own room, took her anywhere she needed to go. My entire family made her welcome and one of us and even treated her with more respect than required because we felt bad for her. She is dead now, but now long before she passed she moved to her grandson's home, took all her things and never looked back. I have to love beyond what she did.
Just call me Bank Of America. Also you can call me the head bookkeeper. You can also call me stupid if you feel like it for the hell I go through keeping it all figured out. I have always been able to handle my money. Most of that ability comes from being divorced with three children, and add in a father that was tight with the family money and here sits the result, figuring out how much someone owes me. I keep the list and mark it off with each payment. Then you get the sporadic twenty's involved. Big Mess.
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