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Oh what a nice quiet evening I have planned. It has been hectic and I was out of town for the week-end and each evening there has been something to do in preparation for the trip. Phone, hold on. Oh you want to go to the library? Sure I will take you. Half an hour is no big deal. Phone, hello-you need help with your English lesson? Sure I was going to the library anyway and we can work while the other looks around. Dinner, not for me, maybe later when I finish this wonderful, quiet evening I have planned.
Three weeks seems like a nice length of time for a family vacation. No children of course because three weeks would be too hard that way. So the single widowed female in her sixties is staying for three weeks. It is the mother in law. I like her, she is pleasant, yet quite a worrier, enjoys seeing the grandchildren again, cooks, cleans and makes cookies every day. I envy her this time even though I live so close to the children. She has the time to travel and the money to feel secure doing it. My day is coming soon.
If I had to sum her up in one word I think it would be beautiful. She just completed a seminar to help with her self-esteem, assertiveness and facing life. How can you look like that, act so sweetly that everyone loves you and you don't believe it for one minute? When she asks me for advice on the subject I have to ask her a question right back. "How can so many people be wrong?" She is stunned. Everyone that meets you thinks you are wonderful. How can they all be wrong about you and still you feel inadequate.
Time is passing quicker than ever. I used to listen to my father and mother say how the years flew by. I never got it. I got it now. Just not long age my children were underfoot and I wondered how they would ever be adults and self-sufficient. Now they are and have their own children and I wonder how they will ever do it. A friend asked me, just the other day, how long will I have to worry about them? I told her as long as you care you will worry. What other answer is there for her?
For two weeks now my life has been non-stop. Somehow I had the energy to do it. I know not where that energy came from. I had been so tired for two months that I could hardly function. You always hear about what stress can do to the body and mind and this is a perfect example. I am working harder and faster than ever and have more energy than I imagined possible. It is always said that if you want to get something done ask a busy person. Well it is true. The busy person will manage the task.
March again. Baseball is starting up, at least on the west coast. This year again the two boys are playing and that means four games a week and practice times. I went to the older boys game tonight and could not believe the size of the field. They all say it is regulation size this year. He is thirteen. Wow. Now here's a concept that puts everything into perspective for me. As he grows so does the playing area. So if the field is that big then I guess so is the child playing on it. It won't be long.
I just wanted to slap her. She is thirty-five, rude, selfish, self centered, and I think just plain unkind. The remark was not made to me but an older lady in the office and I wanted to defend her with all my might. I can't bear that. People struggling to keep a job and working harder than anyone else to do it and then to have to bear the brunt of unkindness. I don't know them that well yet, but when I do I will use my famous gift for putting things in their place. She needs a place bad.
As I slept last night I dreamed of many things. I rarely remember dreams but this one I did. Graphically and full of old passion I thought long dead. We were young again and in love still and lying in bed talking as we used to do. He whispered the old endearments we shared and held me as before. When I awoke I had mixed emotions for at first but soon decided I had a wonderful time being with him once again, feeling that way again, and I didn't want to push it away. That's what dreams are made of.
The money is burning a hole in his pocket. He forgets that I know him better than anyone else so when he says it doesn't matter if I decide not to do it, it is a lie. It sits in the house I have worked many years to keep and have lots of equity, should it be his to spend. All the plans I hear are good, detailed and well thought out. The one missing ingredient is the cash. It is my chance to quit working and make some money without a large investment. How could you pass that up?
I just said, "I wish she would find someone normal." Now how dumb is that. She's the farthest thing from normal a person could be so for me to think someone normal would know what to do with her is purely a joke. In that one statement I realized that my sister is just what she is and I need to accept that her life will always be a call like the one last night. He tried to hit her, she knocked him flat, he broke her computer, she left and got a room. Today all is well, of course.
Spring is starting to show her beautiful face in my yard. I go more often now to see if there is any new growth to amaze me once again as it always does. Trees are starting to flower; the buttercups are green stems preparing for the sun to shoot them high in the air where they will make the loveliest first appearance on schedule. They are always the ones to lead the way in spring. For that they are to many the most cherished of all. The one to fill the promise, lead the way and show their faces first.
She has signed up for the course of eleven classes. All of which are suppose to make her feel more confident. My observation is this: When she is in the class and the time frame closely surrounding them she is very clear on what she needs to do. Within a few days she wavers. Then she becomes confused again and finally at a loss to control her problem. I don't know what to do for her. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I stand helpless to aid. Maybe time is her only helper.
I should no way have any guilt over the circumstances they have put themselves in but somehow I cannot help myself. If you don't work, you usually don't have money. If you can't see that how can someone explain it to you? If a whole family buys into it, it only creates more time in the pit wondering why it's not swinging your way, the way you had it all planned in your mind. The things of the mind can be a glorious idea but one of my father's old sayings tells you it doesn't put food on the table.
I pull the curtain open just a little. Part of me somehow thinking I have to sneak a peek at the new spring flowers. It is hard to grasp the beauty and wonder of how it can happen. Such a simple act as putting a bulb in the ground and the payback for it is like a miracle. The colors are the brightest and truest as they are the ones we constantly try and duplicate but I have really never seen the true purple of an Iris, the yellow of a daffodil or the green of new grown grass. Nature
The suspicious mind is a two edged sword. I was thinking about that today after listening to a radio host. They were talking about door-to-door salespeople and how they react to them. I almost always say no because it is magazines, wholesale meats, or a number of large ticket items. The radio hosts were split on the topic but I found it ironic that the men were actually the softer touch. The woman on the show was a definite no on anyone at the door. Maybe that explains the exception I made and have yet to get a magazine.
The term passive aggressive can match many people I have met in this life. It is commonly meant to describe someone who doesn't have the guts to handle life face to face so they pretend to be one thing and behind the scenes do as they damm well please. So that pretty much fits many a nasty little personality. I think more common terms could be, two-faced, back stabber, and phony. The one thing I love most about life in these states is the freedom to choose. We can choose not to have them in our life. That‘s my choice.
I have been on the new job for almost three months. This morning I walked in and had a new computer with a new flat panel monitor. I was really thrilled until I saw the faces of those who didn't get them. I know the reason I have it compared to the old system but the faces of those left out could not have know. I had to hold my feelings in check and felt obligated to explain why the new girl has this. It didn't really help much I am afraid. They still feel passed over. I feel bad.
There is an event that takes place with my granddaughter and I each time she comes to visit. We call it the "Bitching Lunch". It is the time we set aside for each other to discuss anything that is bugging us. Of course it for her I really did this for but I always come up with some small problem for her to advice. Then it is her turn and she can talk about her mom, step-day (new in her life) and all the things you won't tell anyone else. Of course it is all in the strictest of confidence.
I am going to a bounce house this Sunday and most likely for the final time. My grandson turns ten and he says he wants one of those bounce houses for his birthday party. I'm not sure he realizes it but this will be the last time for something like this. This is the year of the two digit birthday and with it will come a year of much growth and maturity. He will start giving up some things of the child but he will grow and by the next birthday a bounce house will be out of the question.
We picked her up at the airport and I was hiding as a surprise, she was thrilled. How nice to still be able to thrill someone with a simple act of caring enough to be there. She has missed her dad badly this time away. I asked her why it was worse for her and she puffed up and said, "Because he didn't call very much;" "Ohhh" I said. "Well why didn't you call and tell me and he would get in trouble." She was delighted at the idea and will tell on him the next time she feels neglected.
I have always thought I wanted to travel the world and see how everyone lives and see all the sites I have always read about or seen in the movies. That desire is now demising with age. I hate that. I want to stay fearless and I am not. So every once in awhile I do something totally off the wall to keep me off guard. It is getting harder to do that but I keep trying. I am thinking of a Red Eye trip to New York to meet a friend for lunch. That should do it for now.
I have such mixed emotions. I want them to do well but fear the idea is bigger than they are. I have an opportunity to buy into this adventure but fear is what keeps me qualified as the average citizen, the conservative mass. I need more than someone's hope to float my boat. Refinance your home, lots of equity, everyone will do great. That may be but your own sister won't refinance and she is a full partner. How can you ask me to do something that one of the creators will not do? I fear you ask too much.
I‘ve been running the race all weekend with a thirteen year old. We have had tons of fun but I have to admit that I am getting tired. Busy, busy, busy. That's me. I go back to work most Monday's feeling grateful for a job and a place to work in one spot instead of all over the house, yard, town, mall, etc. The weather is turning nice and the winter for rest is near an end. I should have rested more on those cool evenings. Oh well rest is not something I am good at anyway. Baseball is starting.
I have cared deeply for him for almost twenty years. We discussed taking our relationship to another level many years ago and both decided it was not meant to be. Well let us say he asked me about it and I said I didn't think so. I really believe that he was as unsure as I was and would have said he didn't know. I never did find out what he thought. I can tell you this much, he is a wonderful friend and I believe it was meant to be as it is. Fate deals us her hand. Right?
I have my own definition of a good friend. I think of it once in awhile and then realize I don't have too many. They say in a lifetime you are lucky to have one good friend. But of course THEY SAY in an entity I have never met so how can I depend on that? I have a few good friends but time changes these things and we grow. I have a friend now that I had hoped would grow into a closer friend but instead she is becoming someone I probably won't keep. Too bad. Self got her.
My son gets mad at me about money between us. He knows how I am. I have struggled making ends meet my whole life and it has scarred me. I am not cheap, but I am aware and I like to keep my monies in order. That is another way of saying I am insecure when it's out of whack. He thinks I am over the edge. I have often wondered what he would feel like if the shoe were on the other foot. But of course he can never know because people like me don't owe you for long.
I recently got e-mail from someone who will be starting 100 Words in April. The note was encouraging and very nice. I was led to this site several months ago through a friend who only did it for two months. I am still here typing away and wondering why she left. I have a much busier lifestyle. I guess this is where the saying, "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it" shows it's face. She is always busy too but she is all over the place when it comes to commitment. I am grateful anyway.
There is another great loss. Not near me but yet close enough to grieve me. I have known him since his mother's womb. I only saw him once or twice a year but what a fine young man he was growing to be. He is no longer. He died on Sunday with a disease he had only a few months. There were times of hope and remission but he passed looking nothing like the recently turned eighteen years old he was. He was the only child of this couple. I find nothing I can say to comfort them right now.
Another month is running out. I try to look back at least once a month now that time is flying so fast. One week turns into another, over and over again. This has been a good month and the adjustment to the new job has finally sunk in with the knowledge flowing in the amounts I can handle. The first months were horrid. I thought I had turned into a rock in the brain department. Some things are just tougher to learn. A normal month with no major problems is what I call a good month and: baseball has started.
I heard the gate rattling and then a crash. The wind is blowing strong but the rain has gradually tapered off and run out of juice. It had been months since we had a storm like this and you find pleasure in nature taking action. Lightning, thunder, and strong winds is common for most of the country but in CA it is a rare and exciting occurrence. I went shopping in that storm and I did it on purpose. You can feel the storm rather than be an observer only, looking out the window with the rain never touching you.
I am thinking a making my April 100 Words a little different. I always spend your time and mine taking on the day to day. I guess that is alright but let's face it, we all have that going on. I think I will get a book on philosophy and each day read you a little something and we can all see what we think. I might get a book of poems and give you some of that. I could even start borrowing some famous quotes to interject in the writing. But then again I might just depress us all.
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