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Full moon time. I am an earth sign know little of whole astrological thing but I now wonder about earth and moon and their impact upon each other. I am always exhilarated to look up and see the full circle, the bright light from it, the reflection of it on water. It does something good to me. There is the other side of the coin. More violence, more crime, more people just going off the edge and more injuries. While I bask in the light of this moon it diminishes the thrill to think of negative impact it can have.
I spoke of the full moon and how it made me feel very recently. Well I have to change my story just a little. It's not about the moon and me; it is about people around me and the moon. My boss for instance, and I must find out what her sign is, turns into the worst possible person imaginable. We are going out of the full moon so I am stretching it to say that is the reason for her conduct. I guess to be blunt she is just a real bitch and has no right to any power.
Everyday this week I tell myself I am going out to the yard to pull weeds. By the time I am home and think of it the day has pulled to much from me. I hate that. I want all the energy I need to back up all the ideas I have. All the wants I have. There has never in my life been enough time in the day. I know so many people that talk of the pleasure of taking a whole day and lounging on the couch and watching movies all day. That would depress me beyond words.
What do we know of the spirits? My sister can spirit write as my mother could. They are both afraid of it yet they have the gift. I want to do it too so I can talk with my mother on the other side. I think I would ask too many questions if I could. I don't think this is mine to know. My friend just paid 45.00 to someone on the phone. I guess we all like to hear what we want to hear. She is dying to share the intimate details with me. I haven't answered her calls.
I want two things at once. I want to get up early and work outdoors and I want to lounge around on a Saturday morning and take my leisure unlike the weekdays. So once again taking my leisure is the ticket choice. It is now getting late in the morning and I have regrets as I do every time I make this choice. Oh but to live without regrets, even over the simplest of things. I've never been able to pay the price both ways. It is not in me. How can I do that? I need to change this.
I am so out of it lately, tired and worrying about things small and large. I haven't done this for years even though I used to live like this. It's anxiety over nothing or what if's. I can't put my finger on the reason for all this but I think it might be the job and the rest follows. I have worked my ass off for six months learning this job but think I will have to move on never the less. I don't look forward to starting another job but I look less forward to taking pills to chill.
I am leery and hurt a little over what I think they are trying to do. I know them and know money is the driving force. They have screwed me before and likely would again if the need was great enough. When you know someone really well you know what they can justify. With this person many, many things are justified in the name of ____________. I have seen the results and heard the actions taken. I don't say anything. I know it would do no good. Then again I feel weak because I should tell them its just bullshit.
The wind is blowing today briskly and it is cloudy and cool. To stand in this wind makes you feel free. It's one of those rare moments that take you with just a puff. It makes you want to run and run until you blend in with each gust. When your speed makes you as free as the wind. Then to try and gather the feeling and keep it for the days when there is no wind. The days when there is not a whimper of breeze. I guess those are the days you hear the poet say "we roe."
Should I shouldn't I, oh woe is me, I can't decide. Should I be rich or should I stay poor. Let me think. I will go for rich. I will stay nice, friendly, unjudgemental, fair and kind. Maybe I will be nicer than ever to those who I am close to. Maybe I will share. I will keep working for a time to become accustom to the newfound riches, and then I will quit and live happily ever after. And if I wake up and find this is not real, I will know how it feels to have had money
I was just sitting here thinking about taking off that old wallpaper and what tools I would need. I was trying to figure out how to scrape the wet stuff off when I thought of a putty knife, if I was careful. Then it hit me that I couldn't find it the last time I looked, then I remember that I just bought a new one. So where? This is like socks in the dryer to me. They are just gone. Eaten by the dryer monster as they have been for years. There is also a monster in the garage.
What a time to be alive. The tech. world is so, so awesome. Not to date myself but I have lived in one of the best era's possible. I was here for the revolution of rock n roll and that early wonderfully disgusting Elvis, mini-skirts, pot, flower power, war protest, Kennedy and Marilyn, to name a few. What a time to live. Now, while I still have a brain in my head the computer and technology age is upon us. As I write this I am burning a CD. How cool is that? I wouldn't miss it for the world.
It's seven o'clock and he finally arrives. We are all hungry and waiting but the kids are playing and only complain occasionally. I am holding my aggravation but it gets harder by the minute. I know he has worked hard and even tell the kids to just be patient. I think I may be telling myself this. He has to shower, shave and use the rest room. It takes time and we just have to wait. Then he gets on the phone and that is the end of my patience. Then he accuses us of being rude. Gotta love it.
Sometimes it seems to be cloudy for months. Everything dead, brown and never to return. It most always does and along with it the re-birth of life. It is a good time for staying in and working on projects you normally wouldn't have time for. Just like a rainy day and a warm house. I love that. Coming in from the cold and rain and feeling the warmth of home and lights and food. It's the simple things in life that matter and whoever said that knew their stuff. I think I will start a list of all the quotes.
I was wondering if each person has a bright spot in their life or a person or thing that never fails to lift the heart or put a smile on their face. I have a few actually and it made me think of those who really don't, or if they do they can't see it because of themselves. I feel bad for them and have to remind myself to have compassion for something I don't get. I remember when a love affair would go bad and I would think that nothing in the world could make me feel good again.
Thinking of old flames and love I have to think of how long love really got me down. I sometimes wonder if I have ever really loved the love of the great romantics. I think I have been in love once and thought I was about ten times. Funny how things look on the backside. I can honestly say I am so grateful I didn't get my wishes on many occasions. I begged God to grant me my plea. I had to have this person no matter what. I could surely not go on. Thank you God for saving me.
She had been gone for more than a year now. I still have all the crap in the garage that was once her life. I keep meaning to get rid of it, have a garage sale or donate it to a needy family but it just doesn't happen. It is time to move on and let it all go. It was her tragedy and not mine. It was her life she took, not mine. It was her decision and not mine. So why do I feel responsibility in this thing. I had none. I just cleaned up what she left.
There is a village in Switzerland that leaves you breathless as you stand on the hill. The beauty, smells, the thatched roofs, the rustic quality of a homes and shops. Beauty as you have never seen before. There is a windmill in the scene, slowly turning in the gentle breeze, and a ship at sea on the horizon. It is early morning and the gentle stillness quiets even the deepest feelings. The walkways are all cobblestone and rough but no one seems to mind. I would like to go there instead of just imagining I was. Maybe this is better.
Another month is flying by and it makes you stop to ponder where the hell time is taking you and why so fast. What's the big hurry? I try and squeeze in every bit of living I can in a day and still there is not enough time. When I had some time I didn't use it wisely doing all the things I had wished I were home to do. Funny how getting what you think you want is usually only a game you were playing with yourself. And you believed it didn't you? I did. Maybe the next time.
Noticing your own life is not always easy to do. I noticed that I protect myself very closely from emotions. I don't want anything to make me cry, make me feel sad or depressed. Depressed is the key here. I have depressed my feelings for years and wonder if I should try and change that or if I am better off as I am. I wonder if opening the proverbial can will make me happier. I think I am happy now and why mess with success. Others tell me it is not real, the way I live. It's my reality.
June the twentieth, the year two thousand and four. Happy Father's Day. I awoke thinking of my father and all he taught me in my life. I wish he were here to show my gratitude. He was here for eighty-three years and was very healthy so for that I am blessed and so was he. I am greedy though. I wanted him to be here always. I miss him still and he has been gone for twelve years. They say the bond between parent and child is the strongest you were ever have. I believe it. Here's to you dad.
Just when company is coming the car breaks down. I don't know what it is, but whatever that secret source is, it is damm nasty, has a sick sense of humor and has no sense of fair play what so ever. So now what? Bust ass to try and throw it together before the games begin. Before you loan it to your company and they get stuck in the piece of crap. You tell me. There is probably no way to win this one……………. Except just lie and say something like, "That has been such a good car for me."
She is here for the summer and running wild. Tore out the screen on the front window because she forgot her key and thought it was a good idea at the time. Had some kids after them in a dirt ball fight. She has calmed down since that day with the arrival of her father in the evening. He didn't take it too well. I think he was upset more than anything because she didn't think for one second about what she was doing. Not one alternative other than destruction. I'm thinking she will think the next time. She knows.
I worry myself sick over my oldest sister. I never really did in years past but in years past I now realize there was always someone to take care of her and now there isn't. She is making the worst possible money mistakes thinkable. She has not worked in over a year and seems to think she will just get a job when all the savings is gone. I guess that's what she is thinking. I don't really think she's thinking at all. She doesn't like to face anything based in heavy reality. I am more than afraid for her.
We haven't talked for months and I finally reach her. I cannot believe my good fortune when she answers. How sad it is. She is at the hospital saying her final farewell to her father. In six weeks he has completely fallen to cancer. Timing wise I could not have done a greater injustice. I have been where she is and now wonder if this is the way it was suppose to be. For me to reach her at this critical point. She cried and thanked me so much for calling. Just as if I had known. My heart broke.
At the risk of being a complete fool I will confess to wondering for over a year how the technique of paragraphs, bold, italics, etc were put into the 100 Words. I even ask in one of my blurbs for help. But no, you just let me go on. Now I no longer have to worry what you think because no one reads these anyway. I can let even more go.
It's not that great a loss but I read others all the time and no one stepped up to the plate and said read the directions lady.
There are only three more days in the count down. Five years at his age and mine are big. I know from my "mirror that knows no lie" that my face is gradually falling off. I mean it. I look, I see, it sucks. Youth is wasted on the young has some meaning but really it was a great time. Now I am in the autumn of my life and feel overall the same as always. I can take less shit than before and could care less than before. Other than that it is the mirror that reminds me daily.
I feel like I just discovered Noah's freaking ark. Getting new information from an old place. There is the slight twinge of what I missed and how, but overall I am on to the thrill of the new discovery. I once had a mean and vicious cactus in my yard. I had it there for years. I hated it. It was loved by the ex. I weeded, got stuck, bleed and cussed. And one day after all that time it occurred to me that I could choose to keep it or not.
I killed it so bad, and smiled.
Another month nearly gone and the weather is increasingly warmer with the evening breeze. I am making myself take the time to sit out in the evening at dusk so I can savor and remember this time when summer hits hard. I die in the heat and have strength for nothing. No I don't think I am some delicate little flower but when you think about it maybe I am. We both wilt in the summer sun and spring back when the weather cools. I may just try and bottle some of this month for June, if that is possible.
I wonder what she is thinking. For years she has heard all about me and I am sure some bad and some good. She is thirteen now and has grown up with me in the background always. At first I told myself that she has little or no curiosity about me but I doubt that is possible. I am the mother of her sister and brother, but not her mother. If I were her I know I would have questions and lots of them. She will never know how close she came to not having a dad and she shouldn't.
Can you believe she is there taking crap from him on a daily basis? And she says he gets drunk and calls her names and doesn't remember the next day what he said. I went nuts. How can she live like that and why the hell would you want to? She swears she is not afraid to be alone but she is. My other sister and I have always thought so, because she stays with these crumby guys she finds. I think she should start shopping somewhere else or just don't even bother. How many times does it take you?
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