BY deekers

08/01 Direct Link
This is not going to be my month I can tell. I am already several days behind and considering giving it up after months and months of writing. It must be the mood so I will wait on such a rash decision. In every year there are probably only a few times I get so down but down I am now. I cannot pull out of this. I cannot lie to me enough, keep busy enough, or ignore enough. I am just bone tired of it all. It is constant work, constantly doing the same chores over and over daily.
08/02 Direct Link
I've been reading this morning. My words from last month, others word and find us a rather dramatic bunch. Life is full of drama but not really. We are just slightly dramatic people or think that is what deserves to be written about. I find it humorous to go back and read what was so important in our minds that day and has now faded in the past. Sometimes once written, then gone. Maybe that is the whole idea. A place to dump it out and move on to the next show. There is always a next show isn't there?
08/03 Direct Link
I have spoken of this friend before and I will probably speak to the subject again over the months. She does everything at warp speed and is the busiest person I know. Unfortunately it gets her nowhere and fast. On to the next creation and the other one sits waiting for attention. Great ideas. I have to ask the question. How great is an idea that you create for others and yet they never get the opportunity to see it, use it, or even know of its existence. Does it lessen the creativity? I don't know the answer to that.
08/04 Direct Link
My one sister is on my mind a lot these days. She is the one who spent her life getting me in trouble with her lies and deceit. Now it is different. We are grown and that sort of thing is long gone. I still find at times I don' t like her. Maybe we don't always get past the terrors of our youth as we think we do. She is doing nothing with her life. I ask myself, who am I to judge? I am her sister, and I love her and that makes her fate my fate. Right?
08/05 Direct Link
If she fails I have to be there and take care of her failure. It is the old law and the law I was raised with. Family takes care of family. The other sister has needed a helping hand ever since our mother died over ten years ago. Mom always helped her so now we help her. I have given that a rest. I figure at her age it is never going to change so I only help with the essentials in life, like food money, heating expense and yeah some cigarettes as well. It is what it is. Taker.
08/06 Direct Link
So now I have this Saturday morning obligation to sign on to Yahoo and chat with her. There is never anything really going on. Just the usual bullshit. Yes that is the correct word because nearly everything out of her mouth is just that. She always has a new adventure and always has a broke story and always has a love problem. She has had the same stories with different men her entire life. I just stay here and watch, listen, and make rude comments occasionally. She is used to that and I am used to the bullshit. Our relationship.
08/07 Direct Link
You might ask why keep going on with something so fake, so superficial, so boring. I don't know. I cannot change who she is and finally gave that up so there is nothing left to do but accept, listen and make the remarks. Sometimes I still try to give good advice and truly be helpful but you see people like her don't want to be helped. They don't really want anything to change. They live life this and for them it is normal. So who am I to fix?. Fix the unfixable for someone who doesn't know it is broken?
08/08 Direct Link
As I watch his decline I am preparing for his departure from this world. It always brings up the question of what and if there is an after life. I have spent my life believing there is and as I age I am just not nearly as sure. I have faith and I want to believe . Maybe it is easy to believe and easy to have faith when it is so far away but as it approaches your turn, doubt. Maybe it is no longer ok to run on faith when it is your life on the line. DOUBT.
08/09 Direct Link
There is construction going on…. It is destroying my peace. It is in my home. It is not my idea nor does it benefit me. Everyone who passes through these doors just shake their heads in disbelief. "What is he doing?" my response… " Hell I don't know." This is how I cope; this is how I ignore all the commotion. I just stay disinterested. I was interested at first but with every wall that comes down I close off more of me. It is amazing what a small remodel can do to your soul,what happens to your life.
08/10 Direct Link
It's raining again. The rain moves something in me that is very deep. It is cleansing and filling in an odd sort of way. Even the storms remind me of how small I am in the big picture. I see nature in action and I am always amazed and always impressed. She is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I guess she can be the gentle breeze or the bitch on wheels at her whim. Whatever the case, overall she is doing a great job. Life goes on and most of us survive her rath. But not all do.
08/11 Direct Link
There have probably been ten jobs. None of which quite work out for him. It is never his fault you see. It is always some unfairness that brings it to an end and for some reason there is always an altercation involved. I don't buy it. I did when he as seventeen and eighteen. Now he is twenty-three and let's face it, he is the problem. There are victims in life and there are survivors in life. He has chosen to be a victim. If you want to be a victim I guess it's okay, but you cannot expect sympathy.
08/12 Direct Link
What a big beautiful home. What wonderful things you have in your home. Building a pool in the back yard? Is that a new Mercedes you're driving? What happened to the new Jag? Wow what a wonderful life you have. How many drinks have you had today? Is that another new girlfriend? Where is your family? You don't see them anymore? Why? They don't understand you? That is really too bad. What happened to all your old friends? They don't understand you either? That's really too bad. All of this in life and none of them?

Wow what a life.
08/13 Direct Link
Work, home, chores, work, home, rest……………..It is the same thing over and over. On the way to work this morning I heard a man talking about what you will have at the end of your life if all you seek is money and power. He said there is no honor in riches. I sort of agreed with him but then I got to thinking about it. Love is what it's supposed to be about. With money and power you are in a better position to find your love and then you can afford it when you get there. That right??????
08/14 Direct Link
I try each day to keep my cool and fight the good fight but I see as time passes there is only so much you can do. You can never really win an argument, especially one that relates to an opinion, moral value or just the way someone else might think. So as it goes I just try to keep it shut. People don't really want to know what you are thinking, at least that has been my experience. So to save my soul from fire I just find a solution that I can live with. The other? Oh well.
08/15 Direct Link
It was the usual casual question when that moment of pause comes to the day and you can take a moment to give the courtesy of the question. "How was our day?" When the answer comes back in such an unexpected way you are stopped in your tracks. "Terrible. I don't want to talk about it." Wow, that's the totally unexpected answer. Not at all what you anticipated. So now you wait the respectful wait until it is time to talk, if that time ever comes. You wonder and worry that the one you care for is suffering in silence.
08/16 Direct Link
If you ask anyone if the word speechless is ever applied to me you would find that the answer is never. Lately I am loosing that quality. It doesn't really mean I am speechless but it is the change in me. I don't care for the coveted reactions anymore, the phone response of shock or amazement. It may be that one should count their blessings as the calming of the mouth. It has a sharp tongue, in there and many a time it has spoken out of turn and said the most ridiculous things. I for one don't miss it.
08/17 Direct Link
It was the usual casual question when that moment of pause comes to the day and you can take a moment to give the courtesy of the question. "How was our day?" When the answer comes back in such an unexpected way you are stopped in your tracks. "Terrible. I don't want to talk about it." Wow, that's the totally unexpected answer. Not at all what you anticipated. So now you wait the respectful wait until it is time to talk, if that time ever comes. You wonder and worry that the one you care for is suffering in silence.
08/18 Direct Link
She is here again. It is like a breath of fresh air in one way and in another it is loaded with her problems. So young and so much to worry about. She thinks. She has not reached the age of understanding and even more importantly, accepting who she is. She is good, she is kind, and she is honest yet she always looks for fault in herself and the constant question of "Do you think it is me?" No I don't most of the time. Self-examination is great, a must, but not like this. It takes away from her beauty.
08/19 Direct Link
I'm blowing it for the first time in over a year.. I am going to have to fill in my 100 words with blah, blah, blah. I just have not had the time to be faithful to my project. I only missed one other month since I began and that was an error on the way I had done the entries. Anyway I cannot imagine how I will catch up. I may just have to let myself down. The biggest reason I worry is because if you do it once it becomes easier to do again.
Like starting an affair.
08/20 Direct Link
I let him put the wall up in the dining area and I am fairly comfortable with it. I am not comfortable with all the remarks I have to hear from friends and family. Like "Why?" and "He's never going to move is he?" Well maybe, maybe not. I don't think it is a big deal. He wants more space for his room and the only time that dining area is used is for large family events and I can just pull that table out of the garage and set them up in the family room. Outrageous decisions do well.
08/21 Direct Link
I was completely honest with her and it is something I seldom do where she is concerned. She is one of those people that are very creative and dramatic and very passionate. They think they are truth seekers and they are but not about themselves. She made one small comment and then changed the subject as if she were distracted by a more important problem at hand. She handled it even worse than I expected. I thought there might be some discussion about the reason she did that to me and why. I think we will never have that discussion.
08/22 Direct Link
My old dog Petey is having a pretty hard time these days. He cannot take his walks for more than a few minutes and then we must return. He thinks he can still play ball and returns with only one round complete. He is fifteen and that is pretty good for an old mutt they say. They want to do blood tests, more medicine, remove a small tumor. No way. He gets enough medicine to be comfortable. "Why don't you put him down?" Well shit, don't tell me when it is time to play GOD. He is not suffering yet.
08/23 Direct Link
Loving someone can be a tiring job. She is a lovely person but she has picked me to dump all her emotional baggage on. It was fine at first but and she heals it is still all about her. She last her mother several years ago and I love her and want to be there for her but she has forgotten one of the big rules. Even in the roll of mother there is another person to be concerned about. The listener doesn't always have enough left to give and you cannot assume they do. They have bad days too.
08/24 Direct Link
My granddaughter is here again for three days. Since she moved away we have become much closer than when I had to deal with her everyday discipline and care. I much prefer the roll of grandmother than haggy nag. Now we are developing the relationship we should have four years ago. Thank God she is young enough and strong enough that this could change. She made the change because she doesn't have the everyday pressure. Now she can come to me and complain about her parents, as it should be. I can listen and give advice, as it should be.
08/25 Direct Link
I am discovering the meaning of getting older. My grandson and his mother have gone off to Las Vegas to a soccer tournament. Well being the one who now worries too much it is unfathomable to me that he should play in that heat. It is like a hundred and ten and dry as a bone. The desert will suck the moisture out of your body in minutes. It is not a myth it's a fact. My daughter's reasoning is that they have beautiful fields there and have this every year. That is the fact I am given for comfort.
08/26 Direct Link
I walk in the mornings now. I used to always walk in the evenings when Petey could go with me. If I walk at night now he cries too much. He thinks he can do it. If I go in the mornings he thinks I am off to work already. In the morning the air is fresher, I am more observant and fresh myself. It is a much better way to start the day. I love to see the neighborhood sleeping as I walk by. Newspapers still on the lawn or driveway untouched and unhurried. People unrushed and still unfettered.
08/27 Direct Link
I was thinking the other day of financial matters. Decisions I make now will effect my retirement and the quality of that retirement. It is a mixed bag. If I pull out money now I can afford to some things in my home that I have always wanted to do. Nothing extravagant, just the regular amenities that most of us live with. Carpet that is not stained beyond repair, a couch that doesn't need to be covered with a sheet because it is so old, and maybe a few dollars in the bank so I don't worry quite so much.
08/28 Direct Link
Now the dilemma comes in how to make larger house payments as I make my life more comfortable. I will make a little more money in the next ten years but probably not a substantial jump. Just automatic raises and a bonus here and there is the most I expect. I'm not after the big bucks and never was. Add in the fact that it is a little late in life to decide that, and you have my situation as I see it, and if you ask you can get as many opinions and the number of people you ask.
08/29 Direct Link
Many times I think of the reason for the 100Words as the originator created it. I wonder if it is meant to be the dumping ground that it often turns out to be or was it a place for the creative mind to release it's images? I think the later. Not a place designed for self-reflection and attitudes. More a place for the novice writer to have at their disposal for creative writing and where the mind can be free to express itself. Instead it is like a diary and an opinion place, which I for one use as such.
08/30 Direct Link
I wish I could take an opinion poll of strangers when it comes to a major decision. Family, friends, associates, they all have their own agenda's and they can't help it that it interferes with the information they give. It's my father I need to talk to at times like this. He had a level head, a good business head and an exceptional way of seeing through the muck of the details. I have that last knack but not when it comes to me. I see nothing but muck. Heavy and thick and impossible to find my way out of.
08/31 Direct Link
In the garage is, to some, a most morbid situation. I have the cremated remains of a mother, father, daughter and even the cat. To most it is awful and disgusting and disrespectful. To me it's boxes that need to be gotten rid of. I often wish, or think I should feel differently but it's not my mother, father or sister. So to me it is nothing. Now what to do? Ship them to Belgium where they will go to the family or if the family cared so much why didn't they send for them or stay in contact? Strange.