02/01 Direct Link
I have to put my mother in the hands of a third party caretaker for her health and peace of mind. I doubt she would see it that way. She is sound of mind, but she does allow her emotions to dictate how her meager funds are allotted. My siblings are part of the problem. I am indignant that they cannot conceive that I would like my mothers last days to be healthy as possible and have peace of mind. She doesn't need the drama of teens and newborns. Broaching the subject with my siblings will be a great struggle.
02/02 Direct Link
I don't have many friends, and I just lost one. It has been years since we spoke. I reintroduced myself into his life and announced my intentions. I was sure he would see my sincerity. That was not the case. He accused me of trying to initiate a romance when he was attached to someone who left him two years earlier. I know he is depressed, he needs to connect. It hurts that he feels this way about me. I don't want to hurt him so I won't. Let the injured bear nurse his wounds. This bird is gonna fly.
02/03 Direct Link
I want to know everything! Now! I realize how much I think I know causes me to comprehend how much more I don't , can't , or wont know. It haunts my nights, and interferes with my days. I'm told the grey matter we posses is the latest in creation, but its so fragile and subject to so many variables. Encased in this easily damaged flesh container, this is no way to experience the universe. Through these limited sensors called hands, we cant even perceive the entire spectrum of light with these gelatinous orbs. I wanna feel a supernova wash over me.
02/04 Direct Link
I am enjoying my life at this particular moment. My life is great , going to school to learn broadcasting , audio and video editing. Telling stories of importance to me. Which in turn I find more people are like-minded. Im single but not lonely. I can have fun till I meet "the one". But I'm not in a hurry. If some one wants this that is okay. Let's play. I am learning to take what life offers in stride. I am easy going, and laid back. I don't want drama or stress. I can do that by my self. Duh.
02/05 Direct Link
I want to fall in love. Not the way when I was a young man, or when I was in my thirties I want to fall in love a whole different way. I want to be so happy I feel like I'm spinning around on a Mountaintop, singing my ass off! I know it could still happen, it almost did, not too long ago. But I remember feeling that feeling that makes you high as a kite I want to know that feeling again before I leave this world I found happiness and peace Within Myself won't you join me?
02/06 Direct Link
Im trying to understand time dilation as it occurs in the human brain. How is it that time could be subject to our perception of it. When experiencing somethnig unpleasant, or extremely painful, short amounts of time can seem to last way longer than possible. When subject to bliss in most forms, time appears to pass with more alacrity. The balance in between, those moment to moments we forget almost immediately take time too. How much time are we really unaware of? We'll never get it back! How limited is our attention that we cannot perceive another universe here.
02/07 Direct Link
Before I lost my voice and couldn't sing anymore I got very depressed. I had that high, clear, tenor voice that made everyday people smile, and enchanted children, animals, even got birds to come to my trees and sing with me. Singing has been a part of my life since I could imitate Ray Charles, The Supremes, and Johnny Cash. The very first vinyl records I came across back in 1965. I had been a front man for a few bands here in Tampa, Fl. A dream come true for me. I can remember though. The magic feeling I felt.
02/08 Direct Link
I loves me a hot shower! I make sure to turn up the thermostat on the water heater just to make sure I can make it last a long time. I will sit on my lil' shower stool and just let the hot-as-I-can -stand- it water just cascade down my head, and back. Relishing the heat, seeping into my aching muscles and bones.The washing of my body is a slow and methodical process, as is the rinsing. Lingering long after the wash I stand to let the strong spray of still hot water bring me peace.
02/09 Direct Link
Okay, check this out. I have been listening to this Binaural tone music on You Tube. At first I was skeptical because it came from a spiritual paradigm. I am not spiritual at all, no superstitions, or universal energies, or gods. But my scientific mind wanted to experiment. Test the postulated theory, see if it pans out. So I tried out a few of them. Each one designed to effect different levels of conscientiousness. Skeptial as I was I found my self surprised by the effectiveness of how relaxed I felt, and how well I slept.Too old to learn?
02/10 Direct Link
Just keep me comfortable till I die. I don't want to be cold! It hurts my bones, makes them ache something fierce. the cold goes right through me and ain't much too me. It makes me feel lonely. Dark. I enjoy the sun. The warmth on my skin can invigorate. But I can't get hot! I'm spoiled on AC since I moved to Florida. Got to have AC! Keep me in food. Tasty food, easy to cook, I don't have help at my beck and call. Hot and cold indoor plumbing. Make sure I got my meds! Need my meds!
02/11 Direct Link
I just cant stand riding with someone who has the worst taste in music, or worse, listens to talk radio about anything but politics. I mean they really think they are exposing me to something wonderful, and all I can do is not pull out my gun and shoot either myself or the offender. And they wont compromise either. You try to make a friendly suggestion about another station for "something different", only to be shut down by a firm "My car, my rules!" From this moment on your only goal is to never ride with this one ever again.
02/12 Direct Link
Would math exist without humans to use it? Do exhibits of art mean anything to anyone but us? The wonder of the quantum, the micro, our middle point, to the macro universal would inspire awe to a mayfly? A cat? Dog? Or just us? How is it anything humans would consider important is only contingent on how it pertains to us and our "cultivated purpose". Is our arrogance so blinding its intellect we cannot see we are the problem. Despite our many achievements, and lofty ideals, we are a superstitious, single minded creature that sells or kills it's own.
02/13 Direct Link
Oh my god! I'm doing better than I thought I was. Sometimes you can't always see where your at in life till you look from a high place. Get a lay of the environment you have to navigate to maintain your ensured success in what ever one may do. I understand after a high in life, it can take a turn in less that twenty-four hours. The trick is to see that its only for a moment. Trust that you'll find another brass ring to grab for. You'll be riding high again in no time. Do you believe that?
02/14 Direct Link
Im always exasperated when life, on the way up, tends to stall. You try to level off but then you just seem to go down, then you have to sacrifice something important just to stay up. I hate that part of life. But then again life is just an act of consumption. I don't question why the world is the way it is. But I do question why humanity is the way it is. For all the machinations we create, art, music,math. Are we worth it? Just cuz we're self-aware we get to be God? We're not worthy.
02/15 Direct Link
I'm watching a dog, watching a squirrel climbing up and down the telephone pole. Then scampering across the powerline to the other side of the yard. The dog watches intently, hoping to catch a moment when the squirrel is off-balance, and might fall. But the squirrel is oblivious to the dog, and even teases it by stopping in the middle of the line, right where the dog is, and takes a poop trying to hit the dog. I laugh hysterically. The dog is confused, doesn't know what to think. How much are we like that dog? Do you think?
02/16 Direct Link
Don't you hate it when your hook up from internet calls afterwards and wants to hook up again. You just wanted a one-night stand. Then you have to put them down, then you feel bad about it. But not really, because you didn't really want to have a relationship with anyone anyway. I watch too many of my friends go through this. If I was going to do something like that, I would put up a disclaimer out there in the beginning saying I'm looking for 'a one night stand'. Make them understand before you do anything you know?
02/17 Direct Link
I tell you what, I'm getting kind of tired of this 100 I forget it for a day or two before I know it I got 6 racked up. I have to do them all at once. I understand is this is supposed to help me and in a way I can see how it does.I don't know maybe I'm just hard-headed because of my age. They say the older a brain is the less plasticity it has. That's okay, I'll just rewrite some wet wear in my head and make new neural connections. 100 words.
02/18 Direct Link
I used to think that we were all individuals. That we are all worth more individually than we are collectively. Now Im taking a 180 on that particular view. I mean after all we're just a bunch of brains with the same software running inside, experiencing different experiences because we are all different brains trapped in different bodies. It's not hard to imagine what it would be like to suffer someone's else's fate. We have empathy neurons just for that. So when I hear someone say 'you have no idea who I am'. If you're like me, I do too.
02/19 Direct Link
It is my understanding that being in love is two people who share the same feelings about each other. That thing called love makes us crazy and unusual, do stupid things. Is it love when one person is, and the other one isn't. I found out my X, whom I thought we were in love together a lifetime ago, said it ment nothing. Until that moment I thought I had been in love. I thought I could die peacefully knowing love. But now I find otherwise, I'm older, it's harder to fall in love. Love comes slow, goes so fast.
02/20 Direct Link
I'm trying to build my own house. Someone donated me two acres of property out in the boonies, west of Gainesville. It's a really nice spot I built a structure on to a single wide trailer I'm collecting glass table tops for windows. I don't have many years left so I want to try and have a place of my own where no one can kick me out and I can grow old and die in peace. I have no one to take care of me, so I have to do this myself. Nothing lonlier, an old man by himself.
02/21 Direct Link
Today in class I was asked for a fact. I stated Evolution was a fact. My statement with was met with skepticism. Is todays educational system still bowing down to superstitious dogma? The facts of debate are there for the learning. One has only to look it up and read. I am not trying to convince the hard core belivers or the scam artist bilking money out of sheeple. Its the ones on the fence, or those who are unsure that I am atempting to reach, so that they will no longer be sheeple easily led by false miss-information.
02/22 Direct Link
Would it be easier to be totally selfish, narssisistic, without empathy? A nothing is important unless it happens to me attitude. One might think not, but it would be such an advantage not having to concern oneself with the problems of others devoting resources to oneself. Of course one might offend others by behaving this way but if you don't care about the way they feel it's no big deal. Of course I realize too many people behaving this way would be anarchy, bad for the species. More war, injustice, more human suffering. Well, it was just a passing thought.
02/23 Direct Link
I Only have a few years left on this planet. I want them to be filled with happiness and joy, peace and love. Im trying network, establish friendships, maybe find special companionship. Thess things would be great assets for me. I dont think I would devastated if I did not gain these human perks. I have become comfortable with my solitude. My dog provides companionship. My social skills are advanced enough I can talk to pretty much anyone. When trust and love are gone, so am I. I dont wanna be near anyone who cant or wont try to connect.
02/24 Direct Link
I am finding that I dont belive that consciouness is a separate entity that interacts and controls the brain. What does it mean to be outside of this reality, but have infuence over it. Are we talking about a soul? WTF is a soul. If its beyond time space and matter(whatever that means) how can it interact or have an effect on our reality? Even though we are made up of atoms and molecules we are the patterns that emerge from these particles interacting. Same wetware, just minor variations on the quantum level. Consciouness is the final physical manifestation.
02/25 Direct Link
I feel like Im standing on a precipice, high up and there is no bottom in sight. It is an intense feeling, like your really alive. Its not fear. Fear tells you to run. I wanna fly. Yes its scarry, but it can be exhilerating. I want to see the world from high above. Breathe air unfamiliar. Take advantage of opportunities that before were beyond my reach. Is this not what all seek if only for a moment? In a world full of people there are only some who want to fly. Isnt that crazy! What can we be thinking?
02/26 Direct Link
My mothers body betrays her. Her mind is sharp as it ever was. She requires constant care. Even though there are four of us siblings none of us can care for her correctly. My three silblings have kids and grandkids of thier own. I could care for her well, but she cant accept im gay, or an antitheist. So every month when she gets a benefit check from my father being in the AirForce, it goes to paying other peoples bills. She gets left out and has no food at the end of the month. I feel sad and helpless.
02/27 Direct Link
I remember the innocence of my youth and how unconcerned I was with how my future would unfold. I had no idea of the pitfalls and traps laid by other humans who feed of the vulnerable, the weak, the gullible. I get it that children should have their time of wonder. But when it was time to transition smoothly into manhood, there was no one there with the awareness to understand what i was, where, or what was important to my futures' path. Someone not subject to the Id or Superego. I could have done so much more while here.
02/28 Direct Link
Pulling himself from the unrelenting cold of the icy river, he managed to find a dry patch of ground to collapse, an rest for a moment. Looking back at the white expanse of the river, a strong pain racked his heart over the senseless loss of his horse. His eyes watered. Drowned trying to get him across. That horse he called Jet was with him for six years. If only he could feel anything other than the freezing air blowing on his wet clothes he would have sobbed for the loss of Jet. Self preservation insinuated into his awareness. Survive.