“I know that you were young and broken once, but now you’re grown, it’s time to get your shit together”.
Easy for you to say, with your life all figured out and the questions of your youth all answered. You were never in so deep we were. Your struggle was always with finding your place in the world, not with trying to figure out if you were worth it or whether you even belonged on it to begin with.
I am glad you found your peace, but don’t go trying to make me feel inadequate for not yet finding mine.
It’s not that your death has made me feel incomplete – I’d been feeling that way since long before, every moment we were not together – but it has really made me question why I still fight this fight. You believed in me, in us, made promises and mistakes that you felt miserable about, but no matter what, you always stuck around. Whenever I even thought about giving up I thought about how you hadn’t. I must have the courage to do this too then, right?
Your death has just left me wondering if maybe I overestimated my strength all these years.
A quick, soft touch. A short note. That fast, I was yours. I try not to let you catch me looking your way but it’s getting harder each day. She was right, I give my heart away too easily and then spend countless sobbing, drunken nights trying to get it back. But no, not this time, not with you, because I’m in such a hopeless place now that it doesn’t matter.
Keep it, hold it. Let it experience what I never will. Let it have a glimpse at a life and moments with you that I could only dream of.
It was one day, that was it, and from the start I knew you were using me. I knew you could never mean anything to me even if I made myself pretend you did. Yes, yes I’m sorry that I led you on but I’m also sorry that you went along with the lies.
See, the thing is that whether or not you acknowledge this, I have feelings too. I want to succeed and love and be someone wonderful, too. You could pretend I’m not if it puts me where you need me to be, but I’m out of here.
Betrayed is too strong a word, frustrated too weak. We knew from the start, each of us, how wrong and painful it was but we were in it together and it was our hurt to handle and our error to mend. I knew from the second I walked in the door, saw her sitting next to you, her eyes cold and glued to my face, that you had let her in into that twisted, grand world of ours
She will forever hate me for it, yes, for “corrupting” her sister, when it was you, darling, who was wicked all along.
This new city was supposed to come with a new me, a new life, a new way to get by day by day without giving in to all the things that once made me terrible. Instead, I laid there once again, different girl, different time, different place – kissing her forehead, tightening my grasp around her not wanting to let go. I knew that when I did I’d have to accept my weakness.
“I know you are lonely too. It’s OK, if it helps you not to feel so lonely, you know”.
And I know that doesn't make it any better.
I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had to get out of there. You always gave me hope and at the same time you always made me miserable. I loved you like I never knew I could love anyone – so definitely. No doubts, never, no, but suddenly I realized you were wasting my time and staying here, it’s a mistake. I never knew anyone who made me feel so foolish and alive all at the same time.
One kiss, one tight hug, numerous goodbyes. Eventually I learned to be on my own, to get by.
I wasn’t afraid, you know, not of you, not of this moment and never of this feeling. I was afraid of everything else– the responsibilities, the long hours, the eyes glued to us no matter where we were. I so badly wanted to tell you my story, I so badly want, still, to let you in, to matter to you, but I know that it’s hopeless. You’ve too many people in your life. What am I? What could I ever be? You know enough stories, you have enough hearts.
I’m putting my heart at risk here because I love you.
From here on out, everything changes. I change. First with half of one, then with one, then with two, and before you know it I’ll be a completely new person and I’ll be composed and articulate and calm and know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. I’m scared, only, of losing myself, of becoming a shell of who I was, all that stereotypical crap but really, yes yes I am afraid, so terribly afraid! Which is why I’ve put it off so long, which is why I’m now here, barely able to hold on.
I never said I wanted answers from you, just an ear to listen, just somebody to provide me with hope and courage, and give me a reason to keep on trying. Oh, what I would give to be able to learn from your experience and mistakes! What I would give to be able to start living freely, now, from here on out, regardless of what anybody thought or who was hurt.
You have given me that ear, that hope, that courage and I could never thank you enough. I want only to be able to survive this in one piece.
I’ve no answers for you, or for myself, even. I know I told you one thing but at the end of the day I just couldn’t picture myself there, with you, watching you with everyone and feeling so out of place, so separated from everything that makes me feel close and at peace with you.
Without that feeling, I am lost. I can sit here and fight these feelings and reassure you with words but nothing is ever that simple, and I realize that.
You have your life, your friends, and I’m ready to accept I don’t belong in it.